....as in I am not feeling the vibe to participate today, even though the topic is near and dear to my heart (flatulence).
I find myself in a strange place right now with the divorce trial just over 2 weeks from now. I find my mood and outlook changing by the minute. Upbeat one moment and depressed the next. It is a very wearing time and not all that serene. I am in pain, knowing that either way the trial ends will be hurtful to Dude and Peaches.
It is a perfect playground for my addictive behaviors to make themselves known. They come up without me realizing what is happening. That was the case last week when I masturbated to porn one night - something I said I would hold off from until after the trial. Most days this is not a big issue, as Babushka and I enjoy this activity together and share with one another. But right now it is a dangerous place for me to go.
But where does the line end? Today I ended up reading a business story in the NY Times about the founder of Kink.com. Although it was a business focus story, was I there prepping for my upcoming MBA classes? Nope I was not, although I do admit the financial and operational evolution of these online sites over the last decade was a very interesting read.
The sexual nature initially peaked my interest, not the business nature of the column. In either instance, not the best article to read at the office. Again, what this tells me is that I am in a vulnerable place right now - one that means I need to stay connected and be transparent.
So I pull out my daily meditation for men, find the page for July 22nd and this is the first sentence: "Pain is a part of Life."
The entire text is a bit long (plus I am too lazy to type it all)but the reflection at the bottom of the page says it all: "My pain will teach me something I need to know and it will have an end. I will pay attention to its' lessons."
So that is what I shall do - pay attention. Pay attention to my feelings and to my state of mind. Pay attention to my risks and my successes. Pay attention to all of the people in my life that I am truly grateful for.
And take it all as it comes - a day at a time