Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'

Deja Vu all over again

2011-04-30T12:30:00.003-04:00

My last post was right when my relapse started.......one night when I could no longer take the arguments, the profanity, the disrespect that are my parents' relationship. I drank one night.......then told myself it would only be once........that I did not need to tell anyone.........just this once........that's what every alcoholic tells themself to justify their decision........because it would only be JUST THIS ONCE!!!

Fast forward to the end of April - drinking almost every day this last week. Lying to my dear Babushka's face about it, even though she already knew. Amazing how alcoholics think.....when we are not strong on our recovery we are bound to our secrets to the bitter end.....it is a sad way to live.

Last night was my bottom. For the first time in my years on this earth I understood why someone would willingly end their life. That feeling of hopelessness - pissing away everything you have ever wanted just to satisfy that urge to drink something you do not even want to drink but do anyway, because it is the easier, softer way. Wife would be better off; kids would be better off; everyone would be better off if you were just not around anymore to hurt them. The ultimate in alcoholic selfishness.

The cold rain of this Saturday morning is appropriate indeed. Babushka sits no more that 2 feet from me - typing away to find a release for all of her anger and disappointment in me. All the happy times chronicled in this blog a distant memory. In its' place the deafening silence, utter and complete lack of trust and all of the internal grunge that bubbles to the surface.

How does one get back the life we once had - the trust; the joy; that carefree feeling that comes with unconditional love? Sadly we do not..........We can get back some of that, even much of that but once it is lost once it never completely returns. There is forever the little doubt in the back of their mind. There is always that tiny bit of apprehension and guarding of her heart to protect from being hurt again. It is what it is and will be what it will be. I as an alcoholic have made this bed and the consequences that result are mine to accept.

"We were powerless over alcohol, and our life had become unmanageable" - Guilty as charged. Today is the first day back up that steep hill that I thought I would never have to truly scale again. Humility and Humiliation - Hope yet Demoralization. These have taken the place of the happiness, joyousness and freedom that sobriety and recovery had blessed me with.

This is a journey back in time - I am once again who I once was many years ago: isolated, dishonest; fearful; angry and ultimately alone. Of those, today I work on the isolation - discussions with other alcoholics and obtaining a sponsor that I will speak with daily, not once every other week. Monday will be the call to schedule an intake assessment. From there only God knows what is in store. That is no longer my concern.

In all likelihood I will end this blog and begin a new one - one that I can journal in daily. One that will help in regaining my path in recovery. A new path; a different path. The path chronicled in this blog is gone - sacrificed to a bottle of Windsor and weak spirit. I miss the life chronicled in this blog - it represents the happiest times in my life. It represents the man I became; the man I always wanted to be. The man I no longer am...........

I got Busy Livin' ........... but ultimately got Busy Dyin' I will mourn my loss of this life and always look back upon it with fondness and pride.

"Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"

I did love - beyond my wildest imagination
I then lost it to selfishness, complacency and resentment

Now I start over again.......................................................................

The Holiday Season....

2010-12-26T16:11:00.003-05:00

....is finally over (hooray for a humbug like me), although it has been an odd holiday season indeed.

Spent with my parents, rather than my Babushka and our brood. Although we were able to skype it was just not the same. I admit I do not miss the pressure of a tree or the decorations or the chaos, but being back with just my parents makes me realize I do miss all of what Babushka and her family have brought to my life. THEY DRIVE ME FUCKING NUTS!!!

I am soooo glad they live 3,000 miles away. I love them but we get along so much better over the phone.

I get to leave sometime this week - then I can at least get back and focus on the confusion I seem to feel around Babushka.

FUCK THEY ARE HOVERING AGAIN - GAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Sometimes you are the bug.....

2010-12-20T23:03:00.003-05:00

That is how life feels right now. I am in the lone star state, tending to my mother who just started her cancer treatments. I am with my parents, whose dysfunction is on display every day I am here.

I left behind a wife with a fractured kneecap, whose sister is now being diagnosed with cancer. A wife I miss dearly but am afraid she would be better off with someone who can be there for her.

I left behind a blended family that was just beginning to gel, but is now becoming distant again.

I had a sexual life I thought could get no better, yet now it seems so long ago that it was healthy.

I am tired and I am lonely......life seems to be less about livin' and more about not dyin' a day at a time. I am sad about where life seems today and it feels so far from where it once was.

I may be simply whining, but I miss where I was just a few months ago and fear what 2011 is planning to bring.

Twice as nice........

2010-12-02T19:52:00.002-05:00

Not really,

I never thought that life would get this difficult.

I do not regret a single moment, but there have been times in the last 2 months that I just do not understand what God has in mind for me:

2 child surgeries
2 automotive investments
1 mother with Cancer
1 father who cannot face the truth
1 wife with a fractured kneecap
1 ex-wife who is just an ex-wife
3 teenage kids who do not realize the world does not revolve around them

I am simply tired.......of living for today at least :-)

I love all of you who help me get through one day at a time

Forgive me father far it has been 4 months since my last confession...

2010-09-03T21:12:00.002-04:00

Kahuna has not felt much like blogging.....simply due to the fact I do not know what to blog about. Babushka and I are doing very well. The three teens are keeping us on our toes (to say the least).

From a sexual standpoint we are enjoying ourselves. Babushka has started to enjoy taking the lead, as in taking on a mistress role. This has been a big step for her, being in control. In her previous relationships, her needs and desires were certainly secondary. Before now she was submissive and not because she wanted to be.

It was a big step for her to try to be in charge. I am so proud of my Babushka that she could overcome her fears and allow me to be her slut once in a while.....happily it occurs with much more regularity now.

As she sits and laughs at me for something random we were joking about with our middle son, I am so grateful that she is in my life. I love my Babushka so much.

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
Four years tomorrow and going strong!!!!

Mid-Blog Crisis

2010-05-18T11:30:00.004-04:00

Seems that is where I sit today. In looking at my last few entries it seems to me that I am trying way too hard to "sexualize" my entries. Not that there is anything wrong with writing about these activities but it does seem to narrow the scope and content of the blog and what it represents, although I do not believe I can even answer that right now. Given that, my thoughts will likely ramble.

Point in case - I am struggling with being out of school. All the while I was there I was looking forward to the day it would end, which was April. I miss the weekly discipline of going to class and interacting with my classmates. As much as I was looking forward to being done now I am left with "now what". My beautiful Babushka is going back to school (which I am so happy about) bit it is weird not having class..........Now what do I do other than watch over the kids (like that is not a job)

Another Year Older and Deeper In.......

2010-05-11T21:23:00.003-04:00

Kahuna turned another page in the chapter of life yesterday. It does amaze me the 44 is so much better than 34 was and a damn sight better than 24.

Babushka was her always wonderful self: Surprise birthday lunch at the office; Surprise birthday song at Bootcamp; Surprise buster bar ice cream cake with family; Surprise lingerie on (her) and hot anal sex as a bit of frosting on the cake!! This was in fact the 4th straight evening of phenomenal sex, which included a little light bondage and blindfolding one evening and many orgasms for us both.

It does amaze me how my life has changed in my 40's. The end of my 30's found me at a crossroads in my life and the starting of this blog. Confused about my sexuality and spirituality and battling my addictions to porn and alcohol - making progress but never able to fully overcome.

Today my life is so much more than it was - most days joyful, some days painful and every day engaged in the world around. Each day is a new opportunity to succeed (or fail) independent from the day before. And each day is spent with my lovely Babushka, whom was the answer to the midnight dreams that accompanied my previous life. She is still the apple of my eye whom I adore more each day. All this and a wife who 'asks' to suck my cock when she is restless, as making me cum helps her fall asleep.

All I know is my 40's Rock!!!

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'

Deja Vu all over again

2010-04-25T15:16:00.003-04:00

For the second time I will be walking down a commencement aisle - Kahuna is done with school!!! This is an exciting time for both Babushka and I - for the first time since we have been together I will not have to spend three nights and most weekends doing homework.

Babushka's choice of how to congratulate the accomplishment: A blowjob for me from her girlfriend Gigi in the back seat while Babushka drives, continually looking in the rear view mirror and letting us know we need to be louder. My folks will be coming to town next month for the commencement ceremony. Babushka is apparently planning a party. To say I am a lucky man is indeed an understatement.

It is nice to have my nights and weekends back, but it again makes me wonder what will this blog become. Is is a couples relationship blog, a sex blog or a current events blog. Guess it will be what it will be as I get busy livin'.

When is their's ours?

2010-03-01T21:16:00.004-05:00

So I mentioned my Babushka has a girlfriend - Gigi. They have a great time together, both best friends and lovers. They have a connection that special, and one that I have occasionally found myself inadequate. No reason mind you, my Babushka is always reminding me that I am 'happily ever after'. Through one of these times of insecurity, Babushka agreed to include me in fun.

A couple weeks ago my Babushka surprised me with a much needed night away. Between work and school I have been stressed. A whirlpool room, where she ran me a bath and told me to relax, closing the door. 10 minutes later she opened the door, and there she stood with her Gigi - One in a new camisole and the other in garter and hose. The next 24 hours were rockin'.

This is not the first time the three of us have been together, but I do not see this as a true menage. I am invited on occasions to join their fun. But as enjoyable as that is (and it always is) I do have a sense that I do not rightly belong.

This was supposed to be hers, not ours
This was supposed to be theirs, not ours

To each their own

2010-02-13T17:51:00.008-05:00

I was reading Vixen and PC's blog BEV as they journey along the discussion of cuckolding. Although it has not been something that necessarily 'floats my boat', I have been thinking about the similarities and differences between cuckolding and what Babushka and I share; her girlfriend.

Babushka and her girlfriend (and I) have experienced an extremely interesting 2009. I encouraged Babushka to pursue her 'interest' in women. Not coincidentally, her BFF Gigi started to flirt above and beyond the typical girlfriends flirt. I encouraged her to see where this would lead.

It eventually led to a weekend trip with another non-BFF gal. I wrote them a lovely, sexual story for them to share. Babushka and Gigi had their first Girl/Girl time together, covering the others mouth when orgasm approached as to not wake up the very homophobic non-BFF in the queen bed next to them.

As for me, I experienced something that weekend I had never truly felt before - jealousy. I was well read on the pitfalls of many a man encouraging his wife to explore an experience only to act like an ass as soon as it happened. I was determined that would not be me, and although I was not an ass per se, I did feel a sense of insecurity I was absolutely sure beforehand I would not.

That was last summer, and many a twist and turn has occurred since then, which will evolve on these pages.

Get Busy Livin' - and Happy Valentines Day!!

H1N1 HNT......

2010-02-04T20:45:00.003-05:00

........is something nobody really wants to see.

I have a butt-load of homework this week for class, so of course I come here to avoid it at least for a few more minutes. The snow continues to fall as I continue to procrastinate.

So last night I come home early from night school because my lovely Babushka is still sick. She wants to lay her head on my chest and cry. We go to bed, watch a little news while she lays against me. She starts to play with my cock, rubbing it and touching it lightly. She feels it grow and slowly slides down to give me head......

Should I stop her? I mean she has been sick for three days and still feels horrible. She knows what I am thinking. "It will help me feel better" she tells me.

So am I selfish or selfless that I let her continue?

Lucky - That's what I am :-)

Four months and counting

2010-02-02T16:03:00.002-05:00

Since I last posted.....Between the new family, the holidays, work, school and life - whew!!

H1N1 has run rampant in the house, with 2 trips to the ER in 10 days (first myself and then Babushka last night). I was a skeptic but put me in the converted category - it is brutal!!

Taking care of my Babushka today gives me a little time to reflect. Being married 6 months now has been absolutely wonderful and also eye-opening. No matter how much two people love each other life, and relationships are hard work. How rewarding it is though, when two people work through a challenging item with respect and dignity for each other - even in the midst of a disagreement.

I look forward to being regular again once school is finally over in 82 days (but who is counting). There is lots to talk about, including a girlfriend for my lovely Babushka!

Gotta run - hope 2010 is well and Get Busy Livin!!

My, how things have changed :-(

2009-10-01T13:38:00.003-04:00

I remember thinking "Once Babushka and I are in the same house we will finally be able to participate in HNT every week". Yeah-Right!!

We now are not only in the same house but are man and wife raising 3 kids and 2 dogs while working and going to school. Days into months mush together and now with fall here the calendar fills with school, sports, debate, holidays and the like.

I remember now what being married is like......although let me clarify that being I am happily married rather than what my last marriage was. I love my Babushka in a way that I never dreamed possible and am loved in turn by her the same. But real life is work - much different than 'staying over at each others house every other night'.

Which gets to our blog....one of the guilty pleasures that has been pushed to the back of the line. I read a few here and there - not sure about my lovely bride. We certainly do not participate as we thought we would. My office now blocks nearly every blog now so midday blog-surfing over lunch is a tyhing of the past. I miss our blogging, our joint TMI's and our HNT's.

Temporarily gone but not forgotten

We are busy livin' and for that I am greatful!!

TMI Tuesday #206

2009-09-29T09:20:00.001-04:00

1. Have you used put anything edible on (or in) your partner's body and then eaten it?
No I have not but have wondered what it would be like to slide a peeled banana into Babushka and.....

2. Have you ever had an AIDS test due to reasonable suspicion or hyperactive imagination?
Regrettibly Yes, after disclosing an affair to my ex-wife.

3. Have you ever fantasized about someone else other than your partner while you were engaged in sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
Actually Babushka and I fantasized about her girlfriend together last night during sex, oral sex and masturbation!!

4. Have you ever engaged in sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation while in a moving car? A car being driven by someone not engaged in the sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
No, Yes and Yes.

5. Have you ever had sex so many times or for so long that one or both people involved runs dry?
Gladly yes - Babushka and I will get to the point where we are both sore but extatic

Bonus (as in optional): Name 5 things an unplanned (or planned) visitor would find in your bedroom?
1. Lubricant
2. Vibrators
3. Blindfold
4. Butt Plug
5. Laundry :-)

TMI Tuesday #201

2009-08-25T09:19:00.002-04:00

1. Do you have "your" side of the bed? Which side?
Babushka and I each have our 'side' but that is misleading. Babushka will not go to sleep until she is spooned next to me on my side. I always joke that I truly only have the last 18 inches of the bed but when it is a nekkid Babushka on the other side who can complain?

2. How old is your pillow and what condition is it in?
We just bought new allergent-free pillows about 6 months ago so we are in good shape.

3. What is your favorite position to sleep in?
I usually will go from back to stomach then finally on my left side with Babushka pressed tight against my butt

4. How often do you change your sheets?
Not as often as we should probably - every month or so I guess.

5. What helps you fall asleep when insomnia strikes?
Blowjob (Babushka can stop laughing now) - Two ibuprofen or a sudafed work as well.

6. Does sex make you sleepy or energized?
Both - Depends on the time of day

7. What is the minimum amount of sleep that you need to be functional the next day.
I function best on about six to seven hours of sleep. Eight hours makes me sleepy throughout the day

Bonus (as in optional):Describe your most vivid dream.
This is a bad question for me - I seem to always forget my dreams when I wake up. The one I remember is about a week after Babushka and I were married - I was mad that some guy was sitting in my computer chair preventing me from drafting my fantasy football team so I smacked him. Unfortunately I smacked my Babushka right in the nose :-(. Our firs week of marriage was me stepping on babushka's foot and breaking her tow in two places followed by the smack to the nose.

I am sure lucky she really loves me.

What is the best part of a Saturday??

2009-08-22T12:39:00.002-04:00

Getting home at 10:00am from a great recovery meeting to your wife wanting to have sex.........................then after she has 3 straight orally-induced orgasms you lay a sheet over her so she can rest and doze off.

It feels so rewarding!!!!!!!

I love my wife, my lovely Babushka

TMI Tuesday #200 (Happy Anniversary!!)

2009-08-18T09:47:00.000-04:00

1. What is the longest you have been in a monogamous sexual relationship? [For the purpose of this question monogamous is defined as no sexual partners that your significant other does (did) not know about.]
Based on the description above that would be my lovely Babushka

2. If your current relationship would fail, do you have a back-up for physical or emotional comfort?
Back-up what? If this is another woman to take my Babushka's place than no I do not. I do have our kids and friends who would be able to fill much of the comfort role. i am blessed in that way.

3. Can you be "just friends" with someone when there is an unrequited sexual attraction?
Babushka and I were "work" friends for a period of time where we both were aware of feelings toward one another. We kept those feelings 'unrequited', as I was married at that time and neither of us wanted anything like a hookup or affair. Once I was separated I did not wait very long to ask her out on a date and the rest is beautiful history.

4. In a assumed monogamous sexual relationship have you ever cheated, been cheated upon or been a knowing third party to the infidelity? [For the purpose of this question monogamous is defined as no sexual partners that a significant other does (did) not know about.]
I had two affairs while I was married to my former wife and she eventually found out about both. The first one was immediately after our wedding and the other was at about the 9 year mark of our 17 yrs. Both women I had these affairs with were married as well and to my knowledge their husbands' never knew. Tough to read this - certainly nothing to be proud of.

5. Historically, what has caused the most arguments in your relationships?
Historically it would be sex and money. Babushka and I tend to not have really arguments about “things” – instead we discussions around how a decisions or action by one of us makes the other feel or what old wounds it triggers in us.

Bonus (as in optional):What do you want from a partner in a long term relationship?
What I already have in Babushka.

TMI #198 - Relationships

2009-08-04T09:04:00.003-04:00

1. Family is Dysfunctional but necessary.

2. Friends are Occasional but necessary.

3. Exes are good at being a big pain in the ass (OK - that is just my personal rant).

4. Strangers are friends we have not met yet (OK - this response even makes me ill but it was all I could think of).

5. Relationships work best when respect is mutual.

Bonus: Tell us about your first love:
Pretty Standard Fare:
1st Girlfriend - both 14 years old - 2 years long - My 1st kisses and 1st "touches"
Seems pretty tame by today's standards but it still warms my heart when I think of it..........just like my Babushka!!

TMI Tuesday #197 - Nonsexual Edition

2009-07-28T11:00:00.002-04:00

1. The three words that best describe you are Supportive, Polite, and Funny.

2. The three words that best describe your life are Joyful, Fulfilling, and Overdue.

3. Your three guilty pleasures are Pistachios, Ice Cream, and Kisses from my wife.

4. The three places you would like to visit before you die are Greece, Key West, and Maine.

5. The three things you would like to do before you die are Travel to Greece with Babushka on my 50th Birthday, Watch my 3 kids graduate, and Celebrate my 20th Anniversary with my Babushka.

Happy TMI Tuesday Everyone!!!!!!!!

The Bet - Part 1

2009-07-23T19:41:00.003-04:00

"Pull your cock out" were the first words out of her mouth

As I looked out the windows of the Saab 9-7 I was suddenly struck by the number of other commuters that surrounded us. The clear view I had of their grooming habits and musical preferences, along with the cool breeze, reminded me that our windows and sun roof were open.

"I'm waiting!"

She was unmoved as I explained to her that I was in the middle of driving our SUV down a busy freeway. She was equally unimpressed as I reminded her that driving is not my greatest skill-set, even at my most attentive.

"Stop stalling - I won the bet and I get 24 hours of you doing anything I tell you to do. That time started as soon as you got in the car. Now pull that beautiful cock out!!"

Her smile was ever-present and as intoxicating as the day I first saw her. Time and marriage have not changed my admiration of her beauty not my desire to please her. My mind drifted to the many wonderful memories of our life together, including the little bets we like to make with one another. While we quickly forget what the bet was on we always remember the resulting payoff.

In this instance, the payoff was my beautiful wife allowing her mind to run wild and letting her libido be free of restraint. Right now that libido was demanding the release of my cock from its comfy confines.

As one hand guided the Saab down the road, my other hand unzipped my tan cargo shorts and pulled my hardening cock out for all to see - anyone above our sunroof anyway.

"And your balls, pull them out too.......That's a very good boy"

She leaned over in the seat and slid my cock in her warm mouth, licking the underside of the helmet and gently rubbing my balls. She has always know my weaknesses and today she was going straight to them.

My eyes closed in pleasure until I realized I was still driving. As I tried my best to regain my composure she took the length of my cock until I felt my head touch the back of her throat. Looking out the side window I saw a man smiling and looking in as he drove by. I realized that I was now driving 15 miles under the speed limit and swerving like a frat boy after homecoming.

As she lifted her head slowly off my crotch, my glistening wet cock was at full attention. With her lips hovering over it, she drooled over the head and smiled as her spit dripped down each side.

"Stroke your cock....Now!"

My hand immediately dropped into my lap; my fingers encircling my hardness. As I moved up and down I felt her fingers again gently touch the underside of my scrotum and testes.

"Faster dear, stroke it faster"

As I heeded her words, I felt the beginnings of my balls tightening, a sure sign of things to come.

"Good - I feel you getting closer. Keep stroking and let me see you swell"

Her grin resembled a Cheshire Cat as the pre-cum began to ooze and my breathing became short and shallow. She then bent back over, removed my hand and ran her tongue along the slit, tasting me.

"Mmmmm - That tastes wonderful. That will do for now"

And with that statement she placed me back inside my shorts and sat back in her seat, relaxed and proud of herself.

I, on the other hand, focused back on the road in front of me and worked to regain my composure. With my horniness now in the forefront of my mind, I glanced over to her and saw what I can only describe as contentment. A confident woman; happy with where she was today and excited about the future.

The next 23 hours and 37 minutes were going to be very interesting indeed!

"...to be continued..."

Newleywed HNT (In Spirit)

2009-06-25T08:20:00.004-04:00

I had planned on having a post-wedding HNT for today, but alas our "honeymoon" phase took care of that.

As I arrived home from school at 10:15pm last night, Babushka was laying in bed. I ask how her night is going and she says "nice but I have been waiting for you to uncover me". I pull back the comforter to find my lovely wife on her tummy, pillows underneath her pelvis and ass pointed high in the air.

Needless to say I did not take the time to grab the camera. Instead I will go back to the last set of photos - this one is my favorite. It provides a complete picture of why I get so horny when she dries her hair.

Happy HNT everyone

TMI Tuesday #192

2009-06-23T07:45:00.002-04:00

OUR FIRST MARRIED TMI:

1. Would you stay in a loveless relationship for the amazing sex?
KAHUNA: I cannot say that I would, now that I have experienced amazing love and sex

2. If you could only have one, which would you choose: love that lasts forever or great, body numbing sex?
KAHUNA: Love (See what happens when you ask a newlywed)

3. Looking back at your past loves, which one should you have married/taken back and who should you have tossed earlier than you did?
KAHUNA: None that I should have married. One that I definitely should not have (PB)

4. if you had one last fuck in you where, how and who would you “give it” to?
KAHUNA: With Babushka

5. Which is more important sex, money, love and happiness? (and no, you can’t pick’em all)
KAHUNA: Happiness (created by Love) - see what I did there :-)

IT'S OFFICIAL!!!!!

2009-06-21T22:02:00.006-04:00

The Watch doesn't lie.....
Babushka was Beautiful - She held my hand gently and lovingly....

As our love blossoms together....

TODAY IS THE DAY.........

2009-06-20T07:35:00.003-04:00

Who would have thought 2 1/2 years ago when this blog started

KAHUNA AND BABUSHKA ARE GETTIN' MARRIED TODAY!!!

Talk about gettin' busy livin'!?!?!

Hopefully after all the festivities we can actually get busy as well :-)

I love my Babushka and look forward to spending the rest of our lives together.

TMI #190 and HNT and 6/20

2009-06-09T08:55:00.003-04:00

First off I would like to thank all of you who welcomed us back to the HNT team. I cannot guarantee we will participate every single week but will do our best to be more 'regular'. I did mean to thank each of you personally but have been busy planning a wedding...........................FOR BABUSHKA AND I.

Yes - we will be getting married on June 20th. A simple ceremony with my family in from TX and her family from the WAY northern tundra as well as VA. We are thrilled and looking forward to our life together.

No honeymoon planned but will likely take a belated one later in the year - Hey Vixen, would you recommend H-II :-)

Now on to the task at hand....TMI

Have you ever...

1. had sex with someone ten years older or younger than you?
Babushka is 9 1/2 years younger

2. drawn from a nude model or been a nude model?
I must say the world is a better place that I can answer No - although I did model men's "lingerie" when I was young (and thin)

3. had sex at a company Christmas party?
Not a big fan of this tradition

4. had a blind date?
Yes - I did in my single days in Maui but none were particularly memorable

5. slept with a teacher?
Not that I know of and never one of mine

Bonus (as in optional): had sex with someone within an hour of meeting them?
Wanna meet in an hour and find out :-)

Thanks everyone and have a great TMI Tuesday!!!!

HNT - Return from the Dead

2009-06-04T07:43:00.004-04:00

It seems like a lifetime ago that Babushka and I were participating on a regular basis. Life has just seemed to have been too crazy lately, but we do miss everyone.

Below is one of my favorite morning sites - Babushka drying her hair. It almost makes me look forward to going to work :-)

Have a great HNT Thursday!!

TMI Tuesday #189 - Dating edition

2009-06-02T09:16:00.002-04:00

1. What was the last movie you saw on a date?

KAHUNA - Babushka and I tend to watch movies as 'at home' dates - Theaters tend to be with kids. The last I recall is Vicky Christine Barcelona (and it was dreadful)

2. What was the last meal you had on a date?

KAHUNA - That would be Sunday Brunch at the St. Paul Hotel last weekend

3. When was the last time you made out in the car on a date? More?

KAHUNA - Babushka and I 'make out' per se in the car quite a bit. She did mastturbate for me in the car last weekend as well (It was a great weekend!)

4. Using a dating websites do you think you are more likely to find a "hook up" or a relationship?

KAHUNA - Neither

5. Do you have any special "first" date rituals? Flowers, certain restaurant, ect.

KAHUNA - On dates, Babushka expects (and I demand) that I will always open the car door for her. That is how we differentiate a date vs. everyday together.

BONUS QUESTION: Do you believe in sex on the first date? Can a relationship bloom if you have sex on the first date?

KAHUNA -Our 'official' first date was six weeks after I was separated. Truth be told we ended up having sex for the first time somewhere within that six week period. The relationship has bloomed beautifully since then.

Happy TMI Everyone!!

Date Weekend

2009-06-01T22:54:00.003-04:00

Babushka and I were able to get away for the weekend. We traveled all of 20 miles from the suburbs to the big cities but it was as if we were 1000 miles away:

No work
No school
No kids
No dogs
No exes

And no excuses to not experience a few new things, such as:

Phantom of the Opera
5-Star Hotel
5-Star Restaurant
Top-Rated Gentleman's Club
Kama Sutra Body Souffle
Non-toxic Butt Plug

It was a wonderfully intimate and romantic yet naughty time together. I have to admit what I will remember most favorably is the look on Babushka's face as she received her first lap dance..........an expression of joy with her grin a mile wide and one word - WOW!

We are both blessed to have found one another and love each other

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
Pretty good weekend if I do say so myself

May..........."May you what?"

2009-05-20T12:18:00.007-04:00

It feels like forever since blogging was a significant part of my life. It is one of the many things that has changed in the last few months, since Babushka and I became one family. Between the chaos of three teenagers, school and a computer hard-drive failure, there has been little time to blog and no time to participate in TMI/HNT. I still swing by and read when I can , trying to keep up with the adventures of D, V, VK, B and G to name a few. These are ladies I truly admire and try my best to read even if I cannot comment.

I have been a bit overwhelmed with work and life lately. I was reflecting with Babushka about this and how I was in a way missing the 'good ol' days'. Going from daily dating to a true life together is so much different...so much more work. It can be scary to open up completely all of who you are with someone else. When other insecurities about jobs and kids and ex-wives come into play a mind can play tricks on oneself. One (like me) can become concerned that the challenges of life life will make the most beautiful woman you have ever met finally wake up and question if this is really what she wants out of life.

One of the best things about our relationship is that during these times of internal strife I can talk to Babushka about them and she does not judge me or immediately jump to a conclusion that I am unhappy with her. Like any man in love, I want my Babushka to have only good, no bad....only joy, no sorrow...only peace, no strife. I can pressure my self into thinking that I have failed if I do not deliver all of these things.

Then I get an email from her that simply reminds me............

Why I fell in love with her
Why I am still madly in love with her
Why I anticipate every kiss from her
Why her every smile lifts my heart
Why I look forward to marrying her (once I get the courage to ask)
Why I am at ease knowing I will die by her side (many, many years from now)

Sometimes when 'life' gets busy, we can lose sight of our blessings. As I close my office door and wipe the tears from my face, I am once again reminded how the joy she has given me is much greater than any I have ever felt or likely deserved.

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
I Love You Babushka :-)

April is the cruellest month - T.S. Eliot

2009-04-23T10:14:00.003-04:00

I have no idea what that means but it has been a month of intensity, which in turn has led to no blogging. Babushka and I are settling into our new life with the three kids and puppy from hell (I love him but he is just in that "chew everything to shreds" stage).

There have been many challenges over the last month as we become a family unit. Living in the same home full time is different then "staying at each others' house all the time". For those who know - you cannot describe it until you do it. Babushka and I have had a couple times where we have been less than thrilled with each other for one reason or another (like my being appalled over the fact that middle son had eaten ALL the hot dog buns - Call the cops!). We have done a great job (IMHO) of treating each other with respect and consideration given all the stresses going on.

What I am aware of is the fact that my life is busy, much busier than perhaps my lovely Babushka had been ready for. With 50+ hours of work, MBA class and homework, teenagers to shuttle to and from events, recovery meetings to attend, meeting with my sponsor and the people I sponsor in recovery - it can lead to less time for my beautiful babushka than I would wish.

I had to call her today and let her know how much I appreciate her for who she is and what she means to me. We have a beautiful house with fun neighbors and a life I always dreamed of.

Without Babushka none of this would be of value - I love you sweetie.

What exactly do I "control"?

2009-03-23T15:30:00.002-04:00

Life keeps reminding me that the answer to that is usually "not as much as you think" and then when I understand that the more detailed answer is "even less than that".

Working from home today as I had a bit of a headache. Long week/weekend with ups and downs but many reminders of my powerlessness over others behaviors and reactions. Hell, I seem to be powerlessness over my own behaviors and reactions too often.

I have really tried to keep this a place where I don't participate in the too often seen on other blogs "My ex-wife is a bitch" rant. All situations have differing viewpoints and one is never the gospel truth over the other. I am just tired of always getting new correspondence from her atty to mine about things she could have simply asked me about or are just not reasonable. The latest being a dispute over $340 from last September (School supplies) that she now implies means that I am late in my support payments and she is going to claim both kids on her taxes, even though the decree says we split them and I have already filed my taxes. Saying this will gain her $3,000 on her filing and invalidate mine, she has said we can avoid the whole thing if I just pay her $3,000 - What The Fuck!

She gets 50% of my net income plus all of her income and I have paid her early every month
She gets 40% of any annual bonus I were ever to get while she keeps 100% of hers
She kept the house (that could not be sold) and EVERY SINGLE ITEM in the house that is mortgaged in my name alone
I pay 1/2 the association fee and external maintenance on a house I do not live at
She kept the newer car that had the loan in my name alone
I pay 1/2 of all activity fees and 2/3 of all medical bills
I paid 70% of my income during the 2+ years we were separated so that all the home bills were paid while I lived in a basement with no windows.

I have always paid on time (before time) and still paid for haircuts and clothes for the kids because she tells them to ask me to. I look at some of the ex-husbands on some of the blogs I read like Shibari or deadbeat fathers like Babushka had to deal with. I am not looking for a medal just a realization for PB that I am doing my part with our kids and with her.

I have admitted 100 times over that I was not the greatest husband and apologized over and over. I have accepted my part but left because of an inability to forgive me - I get that and can live with that.

But when is it enough - when is it that PB will finally be able to move on and no longer feel the need to make sure "I don't get away with hurting her"

I do not control that, but I fear that day will never come. I do not like what this does to the kids or to Babushka, but I cannot drop to her level - they need a role model and so do I.

Glad I have role models that walk through tough times with dignity and grace.

I love you Babushka!! Thanks for being such a wonderful role model

Life Continues Without Us...

2009-03-17T16:08:00.004-04:00

Babushka and I are in our new house going on two weeks now and finally are fully-internet-functional. While there are many wonderful updates to write about I was touched by two recent posts I read today by a couple of bloggers we follow who I wanted to catch up on.

Dana posted Sunday about a secret of hers that must have elicited some unflattering comments. This prompted our favorite Biscuit to express her support and disclose her own past struggles. The correspondence and support have continued in a manner that shows the absolute best in people. It caused me to reflect on the happiness I now have within me and who I am today, as this was not the way it always was.

This blog started as I was beginning the walk away from the years of shame I lived. Dana's secret spoke to me at a number of personal levels - not just the inner pain we feel but the insanity around how others 'interpret' what we do or why we do it - the intensity of shame. The absolute frustration when those who are supposed to love you JUST DON"T GET IT!

I used alcohol and pornography to escape my shame, yet every time I did either my shame just grew. The immediate short-term relief of self came at a cost - breaking the bounds of my own morality. A loss of morality that led me to break commandments and then struggle to justify those decisions and finally go back to the medicating activity that caused me so much emotional harm, just to help me forget that my justifications did not stand up to the light.

I am blessed today with a life that has something that I once did not have - Hope. Hope that I could be loved by others and worthy of love by myself. I was told many years ago in therapy that until I had hope that I would continue to struggle, and I did.

I am neither promoting and decisions for others or pretending to know what the 'right answer' is for them. I simply read those posts and it brought back to me (in the middle of my office) the agony I used to live with every day.

Anyone who has lived with this knows that anyone will do nearly anything to stop feeling that loneliness. Those who have never felt it will never understand.

Moving but not getting anywhere

2009-03-10T08:59:00.002-04:00

That is how it feels - at least regarding the internet. After 3 appointments with the cable company we finally had to move on to plan B - Dish Network and DSL.

Hopefully by Thursday Babushka and I will be back and rearing to go - We are enjoying the house!!!

Just a Letter

2009-02-25T02:41:00.003-05:00

This is a blog of gratitude. The only time I panic is when I think too much. Yesterday, when work was slow, and many were out, I started to think. . .

What if we are wrong?

What if this doesn't work?

What if we are kidding ourselves that we can succeed?

What if I am subconsciously doing this to myself, wanting to sabotage the best thing that has ever happened to me?

Being there the last hour and 1/2 basically by myself, no calls coming in at all, really made me hyper-focus. The end of the work day came. I cried all the way to get BuddyLuv. We loaded the truck with most of the remaining boxes. He was so excited, I didn't share with him my fears. I just let him talk.

On top of that, I panic when I get to the new home and realize I don't have the slightest idea how to get from where I am to the basement where you are. . .

Then. . .

I see you. And, although I do not forget those thoughts, they pass. As I have said before, everything is just a little bit easier when you are around.

It was 1:40 a.m. when I awoke. I had another nightmare. But, the funny thing is, once I was able to wake myself up, I smiled. Why?

What if we are wrong? So what? If we are wrong, and I have faith that we are not, we will have spent the most beautiful moments together. I have no doubt that, if we are wrong, the moment will have been worth being wrong in the end.

What if this doesn't work? So what? Again, if we are, I would never give up the "right" because in the end we are "wrong".

What if we are kidding ourselves that we can succeed? So what? I refuse to allow fears of what if to run my life anymore than they have to!

What if I am subconsciously doing this to myself, wanting to sabotage the best thing that has ever happened to me? I will not do this. Instead, I will take a leap of faith and enjoy the happiness of the best thing that has ever happened to me!

Thank you, Kahuna. Thank you for being you and thank you for everything.

Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'?
I choose life.

114 Hours

2009-02-20T19:04:00.000-05:00

114 Hours Until we have our home!

TMI #174 - Kahuna

2009-02-17T08:39:00.003-05:00

1. What is your favorite charity? Do you you give your time or just money to that charity?
I am not a real fan of giving to charity - perhaps it is my overly skeptical nature. Every year our company has a United Way pledge drive and my boss is never happy that I am the one leader who will not participate. I prefer to give my time and financial resources to individuals whom are in need.

2. Describe your bed. What side do you sleep on?
Right now I sleep on my futon in the basement I rent but in 4 weeks I will be sleeping in the right side of a bed with my wonderful Babushka

3. How important is a partners kissing ability?
Babushka is such a wonderful kisser that I take it for granted, but the ability for a person to convey affection in their kiss is very important to me.

4. Have you ever "taken advantage" of a person under the influence of alcohol? Have you ever been "taken advantage" of while under the influence of alcohol?
Back in my single days in Maui, I would need to answer affirmative to both sides of the question. Sadly alcohol had much too much influence on all behaviors in my life early on.

5. Ever tried to replay the famous scene from From Here to Eternity? How was it?
Not intentionally, but reflecting back on #4 there was a time or two where a trip to the beach occurred.

Bonus (as in optional): What kind of birth control do you use?
The big V for me.

Happy VDay

2009-02-13T22:04:00.001-05:00

Hugs and Kisses

Loving Wishes

to All!

Happy Valentine's Day

~Babushka

TMI #173 - Kahuna

2009-02-10T07:59:00.002-05:00

1. What do you think is the un-sexiest part of the body?
I cannot really think of one for a woman (Babushka) - perhaps the inside of the nose?

2. Toilet paper: over, under, or what the hell are you talking about?
Under....but it does amaze me that people actually care

3. Have you ever called in sick to stay in bed with a sexual partner?
Not that I can recall, although Babushka and I did just talk about this yesterday morning, but we are just too darn dependable.

4. Did your parents have a "birds & bees" talk with you? Id so, at what age?
Not really - I think my dad hoped his 3-year supplies of Playboy and Gallery magazines would do the job.

5. What is one thing a someone could do to you to rock your world?
Babushka already knows, but anal stimulation right before I cum makes me explode (not literally but you know what I mean).

Bonus (as in optional):What does sex mean to you?
It sounds sappy, but sex to me is intimately sharing my physical and spiritual self with the woman I love.

2009-02-09T09:56:00.004-05:00

So much to say - so little time :-)

Life is just moving at full speed! babushka sold her house (a great relief) and we need to get her moved by the end of the month. Babushka and I have an accepted purchase offer to buy a home!!

A little over two weeks ago we were stressed over being able to find a place to rent - we turned it over to our higher power (OK - my higher power / her God) and 17 days later we are buying a beautiful home. There is a 3-week period where all of us will be in my 'basement' which will be interesting - we will be a close family!!!! BuddyLuv will be changing schools sooner than we had initially planned but he seems genuinely excited about it.

We went looking at all the stuff for a new house (blinds, appliances, etc.) which was just so much fun. Then we went and looked at engagement rings, which turned into less fun. This is a delicate issue for us that I think both Babushka and I try to have humor with one another about, but there are underlying fears and expectations. I am proud of us that we do not try to ignore it when it comes up. It is an area of growth that both of us can continue to explore our feelings/viewpoints about and what has occurred in our pasts to develop the different ways we look at marriage and what things are important to one another. I am confident that together we can overcome.

You know - We have been so neglectful of our blog the last few months. I was thinking today I do miss the regular participation in TMI, HNT and other things. I was reading a few of the 'naughty meme's' that circulated this weekend and realize I also miss the sexual side of our blog as well. I am reminded of the saying 'those who talk about sex aren't having it' and perhaps the reverse is true. Through all the stuff going on, we have been active - this weekend overly active!!! We ran the gamut of oral, anal, vaginal - the only thing we did not get to include were our toys, as they are packed for the move (much to my dismay). It just amazes me how wonderful sexuality can be when it is in its proper place - not the most important but a close 2nd or 3rd!!

Look forward to life getting little more calm by late spring, but I would not trade it for anyone else's life.

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
'Just living the dream - Nick Bakay'

6 weeks

2009-02-07T09:20:00.002-05:00

6 weeks from today, we will be spending our first full day in our new home! Our home!

If it looks too good to be true..........

2009-01-31T22:40:00.003-05:00

So Babushka's home finally sold!!!!

This is exciting for so many reasons, not the least of which is that is signals another milestone in our lives becoming one. It also means we need to get serious about deciding where we are going to live.

The stress of uncertainty was being felt by both of us. The end result of this was that last week we just turned it over to our higher power to take care of - just have faith.

the perfect situation had seemed to fall into place just a couple days later, with us putting an offer in on a property that was perfect for us. Financing got approved and the offer was full price - this was really going to happen.....

To spare the long details, we felt that the listing agent was not telling the whole story and sure enough. The property title is held by one of those wonderful "we'll help you work with your lender" companies. Needless to say that this is no longer the sure transaction we thought......and all of this is out of our control.

It is frustrating when we do things the right way and situations outside our control have such influence. But such is life.

If this does not work out it simply means it was never supposed to. Yet that does not make it any less disappointing.

But I have the life I used to only dream of with the woman I love. It doesn't get any better than that!!!!!

Sleep, Faith, Peace

2009-01-30T07:15:00.002-05:00

I got some deep sleep, have faith that we need to say out of the way and it will all work out. It is because of that, that I have peace.

TMI Tuesday #171 - Movie Edition

2009-01-27T15:59:00.002-05:00

1. What was the last movie you saw in a theater?
KAHUNA - I am so bad at remembering stuff but I know it was with Babushka (sorry sweetie)

2. What is your favorite movie theater snack?
KAHUNA - Fresh Popcorn with extra butter and salt (including the middle!)

3. Have you ever snuck in 'outside' food into a theater?
KAHUNA - Nothing major, just a little candy here and there

4. Have you ever made out in a theater?
KAHUNA - With my Babushka, although I am nit sure it would constitute "Making Out"

5. What is the 'farthest' you have gone in a theater?

KAHUNA - Not far enough, although I am sure it is on the "Bucket List" for Babushka and I to pursue.

Bonus (as in optional): What is one of your favorite movie sex scene?
KAHUNA - The movie "Jade" - Although I am not a huge fan of David Caruso I still remember his forceful backdoor scene with Linda Fiorintino to this day

Sick and tired of being,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

2009-01-26T17:45:00.002-05:00

.............sick and tired.

Came home from statistics class feeling sick - I thought it was just the class itself but it ended up that I have gotten the 'crud' and it will it go away. Being the man (big ass baby) that I am (every man is) of course I won't do what Babushka asks of me, which is to just go to the doctor. I would rather make everyone else's life miserable - what is it with guys. The whole world should end because we are sick (and by the way it should).

God probably created Adam and said to himself "If I just leave him nothing will get done and he will keep bugging me!" Like I want to spend 2,000 years listening to this guy whine cause he doesn't feel good and therefore can't move 2 feet to get the remote". Just another example of why God made sure the really tough stuff were the responsibility of women :-)

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
"Babushka............I am thirsty and don't feel good" (insert whiny tone here)

Fear of Regret

2009-01-24T18:11:00.003-05:00

It is amazing what a strong motivator the fear of regret is for me.

Ya know those advertisers who use the "fire" rush or you will miss it method. I am their dream target audience. The fear of regret seems strong in me then most. I have always lived in fear of not getting a second chance. I have written about this before in other posts. I am getting better at being patient and accepting that the majority of things in life are out of my hands. But, that fear sometimes comes back.

We found a house a while back. Actually, it is more than a house. It is the kind of house that was used as reason to dislike the people who lived in it. After all, why did they need that big of a house. To show off? That was a vulgar display of wealth to me. Now, not that the house we found was THAT big. . . I think it was 3500sqf. But, you could fit two of my home inside this home. I fell in love with it. It was in a fancy neighborhood. I could see myself walking a fancy breed of dog down it's streets. For as much as I try to NOT have bad thoughts towards PB, it did cross my mind that this house is nicer and bigger than hers. For as much as she wanted to break Kahuna, this would be a visual that she did not.

This house was also about 25% over the max we wanted to spend on rent. It also had so many rooms, we would need to buy furniture for. And, I highly doubt, with all the woodwork, that we would even be allowed to have a dog.

Thank goodness, as quickly as those vein thoughts came on, they left. It is just a house. As nice as it is, it is just a house. When it comes down to it, I don't need or want a home like that. I want us, together, with as little debt as possible. We do not want to be house whores. We do not want to miss out on other things in life because we are maxed out on the place to live.

So, where does the fear of regret come into this. Kahuna was right. . . I was AFRAID that if we did not jump at this one, and make it work financially, we would not find a place with 4 bedrooms in the neighborhood we wanted to be in. I was afraid if we did not jump at it, we would end up living in the basement with him for a LONG time. I was afraid that it would cause a lot of extra stress as it would mean we would have to provide transportation to BuddyLuv, both to and from school. And, how were we going to do that if we both work day jobs?

But, patience. Today, we went to look at a home. It is funny, because things always seem to line up when they are meant to line up.

Kahuna rents right now. Kahuna's landlord (Landlord Husband) is going to be the landlord for a property of a friend whose job takes him out of the state indefinitely. The home? A 4 bedroom, 3 bath, pet allowing, paint allowing home in the right school district, 6 minutes away from the kids. The catch? 1) they are flexible, but would prefer not to move until the school year is over. 2) they are asking almost as much in rent as the BIG house.

#1 concern is already in motion towards resolution. Landlord Wife loves us. She reiterated that she would love to have us here until that place becomes available, if we decide to go for it. She thinks we are nice people, and enjoys interacting with us. In fact, she said she understands we would not want to. But, she would be happy to keep us on for the next two years (the amt of time they plan to continue to rent).

#2 concern is already in motion towards resolution. Landlord Husband has already shown the home owner comps. Without hesitation, homeowner has agreed to lowering the initial asking price to just 250 over our idea rent payment. The lowered rental asking is now just 100 away from the max we want to pay.

Landlord Husband said we would be the dream tenants for that home. And, if we go in offering only 50 more than our ideal rent payment, knowing that we are looking for a longer term lease, he can show that this is better in the long run for the home owner, because 1 month of it not being rented is over $150/mo loss for that year.

The home is perfect. But, there are other perfect homes out there. I would be very happy if this one works out. But, I am ok if it does not.

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'!
This is living and loving it!

Remember when, the dream

2009-01-24T18:09:00.002-05:00

Remember when Pumpkin scared us by telling us she had a bad dream and she had a good dream. We were scared that I was part of the bad dream. Come to find out. . .

I had 1000 umbrellas. Someone broke in and broke my umbrellas. She and I teamed up to investigate who did it.

:-) I love her.

TMI #170

2009-01-20T10:06:00.003-05:00

1. Have you ever dated/married purely for money?
KAHUNA - Should have held out for cash the first time.

2. What is your type?
KAHUNA - Brunette with a beautiful smile, voluptuous body, kind and gentle heart........or I could just say Babushka and move along.

3. What is the best sex game you have ever played?
KAHUNA - Babushka and I will need to play a sex game some time.

4. Have you ever given or received an orgasm from a person whose last name you did not know?
KAHUNA - That would have to be way back in my Haight-Ashbury days (OK I am not quite that old). Actually I was never the type of 'player' where I would not have known the person's full name. There was once where I picked up a lead singer of a band and she took me to her place, but she was so boring and lousy in bed I left before having an orgasm.

5. Have you ever masturbated in front of a sexual partner?
KAHUNA - I loved Dana's answer to this (Does the partner have to be awake?) Yes I have and would love to see my partner cum while I watch.....Babushka?!??!

Bonus (as in optional):At what age do you think men and women reach their sexual peak? Do you think you have hit yours yet?
KAHUNA - Depends on a person's definition of 'peak' - spoken like a guy who may be past his, huh :-)
Physically it seems pretty well documented that for guys it is 18-25 and gals 30-37 or in those general age brackets. Emotionally it is much different though and depends on a frame of mind and how you feel toward your partner(s), not an age.

2009-01-19T21:46:00.002-05:00

Here I was struggling with what to blog about, given I don't blog much lately and it always seems to be dull 'life' updates. Then I went and read Dana's Birds, Bees and Purity blog and got all opinionated and such (uh oh). Dana attended her churches healthy sexuality conference with her son. Brought back memories of taking Dude to this with his mom and the unrealistic expectations that goes along with it. What a waste of energy - all so a bunch of "Faithful to God one day a week every other month and all major holidays" parents can give themselves a false sense of security as they stick their head in the sand. These are the same folks that end up being appalled at all the other kids' behavior and proudly proclaiming their children don't behave like that.

Dana provide the 'Purity Pledge' that churches have kids sign - goes hand and hand with their abstinence only approach. I have to say I find the 'Purity Promise' list infuriating. How many of the parents having their kids sign this ridiculous document by these rules? "Mr. Smith - you think this list is so important to little Joey, how about you and the missus model that lifestyle for him - American Idol, Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy are not considered God honoring shows." Guess what - even when you do not want your kids to see something (like the SAW movies) they see them at their friends house anyway.

I prefer to speak to my kids openly and honestly about what they hear and see, whether it be Family Guy, South Park or other "objectionable" material. Amazingly enough, my 11-year old daughter was able to decide/determine on her own that these are not appropriate for her and we discuss it. She is not an adult and I do not treat her as such but I do not pretend she is in 1st grade either.

Same with my 15 year old son. We talk about sex and drugs - even when he acts all embarrassed and grossed out with his dad. I discuss with him my challenges and mistakes I made at his age. Granted, many times it is not a discussion, more of me talking and him grimacing, but I do know some of it does sink in.

I hope it is this way with Babushka's 13 year old son, although I respect her view and would never take an approach with BuddyLuv that she was not comfortable with.

Being a teen today is tough with all the dangerous behaviors being glorified. I prefer to discuss these dangers in real terms in hopes that it helps him when faced with these tough choices. They still may make a bad choice, but at least he is not burdened with some unrealistic expectations placed on him by hypocritical adults whose words have been "you can't watch this or do this but leave the room so you don't see us doing it" which reinforces to all of these kids that it must be something fun and we should try and do it but never tell our parents about.

GET BUSY LIVIN' OR GET BUSY DYIN'
SOMETIMES A LITTLE CONTROVERSY IS JUST WHAT THE DR. ORDERED :-)

TMI Tuesday #169 - Back to TMI Basics

2009-01-13T12:44:00.000-05:00

1. On a scale of 1-10, how satisfied are you with your sex life?
KAHUNA – I would definitely say 10 (or 9.5 if you subscribe to the notion that there is always room to grow)

2. If someone shoves you up against a wall while kissing you, your reaction is?
KAHUNA – To kiss Babushka back and the twist her around so that her back is up against the wall!!

3. What is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done or said to you?
KAHUNA – When Babushka told me I did not have to be perfect because I was perfect for her as I am.

4. Where is the most unusual place you have ever had sex?
KAHUNA – Everyone looks at unusual differently. When I was married and had my affair, I had sex in a car and in a park, but that is pretty common for an affair. With my beautiful Babushka it would have to be when she seduced me onto the floor of the basement bathroom in the middle of the night while the kids were sleeping.

5. How do you liked to be kissed?
KAHUNA – Long kisses with very soft lips

Bonus (as in optional):Most embarrassing sexual moment?
KAHUNA – Babushka and I are never embarrassed by anything that happens when we are being sexual. With that said, I get embarrassed when equipment decides at the most inopportune time that now is the time to not be fully cooperative.

Reflecting Back while Looking Forward

2009-01-08T22:55:00.003-05:00

I was checking out Shibari's new site and read her very poignant reflection of her 2008. This made me slow down enough to realize that a solid inventory (4th step for those who are friends of Bill W) of the past year would not be a bad idea.

In reflecting back I must admit there have been some wonderful events that have transpired during the year that was:

Babushka and I:
The 'honeymoon' that was 2007 was replaced with a much more substantial yet satisfying 2008. In 2008 we faced true challenges toward one another - not fights but situations where one of us was emotionally challenged with the other yet we were able to talk them through our feelings and frustrations with respect of the other.

Babushka and I (and the rest of the brood)
2008 saw our families begin the process of integrating into a single unit, specifically Dude and Punkin. This process was one I was concerned with yet went as well as I could have possibly imagined. Punkin and BuddyLuv have become friends very quickly and enjoy each others' company on the weekends we are all together. Even Dude, in all of his 15-year old self absorbed glory, has been polite and accomodating during this time.

The long-awaited divorce:
After two long years there was a conclusion (sort of) with the divorce from PB. August saw the trial date arrive and a settlement finally become reality. Granted, this did not come without significant expense (emotional and financial). But after 24 months my desire to be done with this enabled me to make the tough decisions needed to bring this to resolution. As a result I have a house in my name that I do not live in with two mortgages solely in my name; a car I do not drive with an auto loan solely in my name; a house full of furniture, electronics and the like acquired over 15 years that was divided 100% for her and 0% for me. Even with all that - it has been well worth the cost given what I have been given in return (see two previous paragraphs).

I have more 2008 to review and expectations for 2009 to blog about but it is late now and Florida has wrapped up the BCS game. Dude and I can now go to bed.

Until tomorrow - take care and be blessed!!

Remember When - Not Smothering Meant Missing Each Other

2009-01-04T08:37:00.003-05:00

This past week, I offered to purposely NOT come down to Kahuna's this weekend. Every weekend since our first full night together, BuddyLuv and I have been down here at least one night. To show that I respect Kahuna's relationships with Dude and Pumpkin, I said we would stay away and give them some alone time. I know it is a thin line, being involved and being too involved, when it comes to situations like ours. I don't want to cross that line if I can help it at all!

Friday evening, before 7pm, BuddyLuv was already asking when we would see Kahuna, Dude, and Pumpkin again. Pumpkin was asking when they would see us again. By 7pm we had plans to meet at 10:30am the next morning.

I guess I shouldn't worry quite so much!

Remember when - Christmas Eve

2009-01-04T08:32:00.003-05:00

Christmas Eve 2008. We were all together for the first time. I volunteered to wrap Dude's Christmas present for PB. I went downstairs. I brought it back up, completed with a bow and everything. He walked out of the bathroom. I asked if it looked ok. He took it, said it was beast, and gave me a hug. He hugged me! At 15, he hugged me!

That was a gift I never want to forget.

2008 2009

2009-01-01T10:19:00.003-05:00

With as many challenges as 2008 brought, it brought even more blessings and gifts. Thank you for an amazing year. I am excited to see what is in store for us in 2009.

Another Christmas Come and Gone

2008-12-28T20:25:00.002-05:00

I must admit that I have never been a big fan of the 'holiday season', but this year I must say it was a truly enjoyable experience.

Christmas Eve was the inaugural 'Fab Five' evening with Babushka and I, along with the three amigos (Dude, BuddyLuv and Punkin). Over the last month or so, Babushka and BuddyLuv have been spending the weekends with the kids and I when they are with me. This is not easy, fitting 5 people into a 2 bedroom basement when Babushka and I do not share a room!! That said, I was nervous about how our first integrated holiday would go. It was a splendid day indeed! Presents were exchanged, games were played and cookies were baked. All this without the stress that I have felt on previous holidays (granted being with PB generally causes stress).

Christmas Day was just as nice, spent with Babushka's extended family. More cookies, more games and a successful dinner for 13 pulled off by yours truly (with Babushka of course). Our menu consisted of 4 Flank Steaks, Roasted Red Potatoes, Baby Greens Salad with homemade Balsamic Vinegarette and Dinner Rolls (ok - not baked by us). Another round of presents and games led to much joy and laughter. Again, all this yet no unrealistic expectations by those in attendance and little arguing amongst family members. Quite a treat.

Oh yeah - How could I forget Babushka seducing me (blanket in hand) into the bathroom of the basement for a little midnight rendezvous or the absolutely intense blowjob another evening just to ensure me a restful night :-)

Get Busy Livin or Get Busy Dyin
Mele Kelikimaka and Haouli Makahikihou

TMI Tuesday #166 - Merry Christmas!

2008-12-23T09:05:00.002-05:00

1) What present do you hope ends up under you tree?
KAHUNA – Funny, Babushka and I were discussing this. She has had a hard time finding me anything for Christmas that is within our budget that someone else did not get me. It may sound corny, but Babushka in my life is a gift every day (although I look always look forward to unwrapping her).

2) What present are you most psyched about giving (PLEASE be vague or ignore this question if the recipient reads your blog)?
KAHUNA – This is the first year I truly (really truly) enjoyed Christmas shopping, as I found a couple of small things for Babushka that will touch her heart (and her funny bone). One was opened with the kids this weekend - A 2009 Audrey Hepburn calender.

3) DO you prefer to give or receive?
KAHUNA – As Babushka can attest to from last night, I prefer to give! I love the feeling of her muscles tensing up when she reaches her climactic release. It is a wonderful feeling to bring enjoyment to her…….plus I love how her skin gets ultra sensitive post-climax, allowing me to tease her with just the simplest touch.

4) What is your favorite part of a sexual partner's body?
KAHUNA – I love all of her body but we both know I am a butt man, especially her butt.

5) What is your favorite part your body - the one you hope a sexual partner will find or pay the most attention to?
KAHUNA – Shocking I know but I love when Babushka pays attention to my butt as well followed closely by my neck, feet and cock (in no particular order).

Bonus (as in optional): [Idea blatantly stolen from Os and hist HNT wishes.] What Christmas wishes would you grant to whom?
KAHUNA – I would grant Biscuit the teaching support that her son is not getting right now.

A weekend of beauty

2008-12-21T11:20:00.002-05:00

It is the weekend before Christmas. I love Christmas. And, I love where I am at. And, I love my life.

Sometimes I worry about all the ups and downs I have. When I get "out of sorts" I cry a lot. sometimes for no reason. Sometimes there is a reason.

But, that is not today. Today I am the happy me with the smiling heart, surrounded by my loving new family. My new son, Dude, has interacted with us, all of us, for the last 24 hours. My new daughter, Pumpkin, cuddled with me as the boys were being brothers. My son, BuddyLuv, has bonded with everyone.

I know it will not always be like this. But, these are the times that assure me, we are doing the right thing. This is a positive for everyone involved.

One day at a time. One moment at a time. Letting go of the regret lets you do this. Letting go of the regret lets you not have to regret missing this day and this moment.

Since I am not very good at posting often, to everyone out there reading this, and even those who are not:

Merry Christmas
May this be a time of blessings for you.
Even if you don't believe is Christmas,
I wish for you peace.

Crying

2008-12-18T07:59:00.002-05:00

I don't know why I cry so much. I could go on and on about what makes me cry. But, sometimes, it helps. And, I grow. And, I understand.

Its' been a week since my last confession......

2008-12-14T08:00:00.003-05:00

It seems like life gets so crazy that the blog feels neglected. As we (I) prioritize our life with kids, work, school, extended family, holidays and the like the other simpler joys get left behind.

As with blogging, that is one of my hesitations regarding the 'M' word and all the fanfare of the event. Just like a brand new blog, all focus goes toward the 'blessed' day itself and life is consumed with that day.

The huge celebration with friends you rarely see anymore and family you do not like - everyone is on their best behavior and all smiles, waiting until the next week to talk 'trash' about this ugly centerpiece or that persons dress. My cynicism shows - my feelings toward Christmas are similar. The point of the day is Christ (Kahuna says knowing he is the antithesis of religious) , not who bought you what, why did you spend more on them than on me and all the stress with making sure food meant for 50 people (not the 10 you actually have) is done at relatively the same time as well as the inevitable arguing about dishes.

I love my Babushka and would rather spend my energy preparing for a lifetime with her, not an afternoon meant to impress everyone else. Obviously as all can see from my rant above, I have growth that needs to continue. I would never wish to deny my love of something so important to her.

I am simply afraid afraid. I do not want an artificial, superficial, arbitrary day to represent the 'celebration' of our life together.

I want our life as we live it together every singly day - the highs, lows and in betweens - to be that celebration.

GET BUSY LIVIN' OR GET BUSY DYIN'
Which one am I doing today?

Kahuna's Challenge

2008-12-06T10:46:00.004-05:00

A while back, Kahuna and I had a difficult discussion about marriage. It was difficult because we hold the same values, but see them differently. At the end of our discussion, Kahuna challenged me to explore my thoughts further. Go deeper into their meanings. Since then, I have kept a book by my bed to jot notes in. I have categorized those notes into three sections:

What marriage and a wedding mean
Details I see when I dream of our wedding
Experiences I don't want to miss and fear regretting if I do

This will probably be modified along the way. But, this is what I have come up with so far:

What marriage and a wedding mean

Celebration of us
Blessing of union
Recognition of union by God, family, others
Commitment to God and us

Details I see when I dream of our wedding

Kahuna, Babushka, Dude, BuddyLuv, Pumpkin
Dresses
Suits
Colorful flowers, not big, just pretty
Special to do for nieces
No bridesmaids/groomsmen
Religious person for blessing
No meal
Ice cream bar/buffet?
Deserts
Immediate family, 2nd family, friends not huge, those that matter)
My mom and I being able to do girl things together
home made jewelry
home made invitations
Mansion, backyard, boat, non traditional
not for sake of impressions, but for enjoyment and celebration
Lots of candles

Experiences I don't want to miss and fear regretting if I do

Dress shopping
making invites
planning
flowers
ladies day instead of bachelorette party
Our first dance
celebrating us
working together w those we love
bonding
seeing you in your suit
being blessed
writing vows
making favors

These are the things that I think of when I think of our wedding day.

The holidays of blessing are upon us....

2008-11-29T14:00:00.004-05:00

I have never been a fan of the holidays. During my marriage the holidays were just a reminder that:

a). Families add unnecessary stress on each other during these times
b). Whatever I did or spent was not enough to make up for the past.

Last year, Dude and I spent Thanksgiving by having a South Park/Reno 911 marathon. This year, Babushka, Buddy Luv and I drove 3 1/2 hours north into the wilderness of the north country. Although vastly different in nature both represent the two best Thanksgiving days I can remember.

For me, the time with Babushka's family was very much what a holiday celebration should be - focused on being together, not how the menu measures up to last year or attempting to impress family members. It makes me look forward to Christmas Eve with Dude and Punkin as well as Christmas Day with Babushka, BuddyLuv and her entire family. Looking forward to Christmas is something new for me.

On another note, life has just continued to be crazy busy for both Babushka and I but it has been rewarding. We are beginning to integrate and blend our kids. Success has been mixed but Babushka an I are doing a great job in communication our differences with each other. I am very proud of us. e try to keep connected with blog land but it gets bumped on the priority list. We read when we can, may not comment as much as we wish but you are always in our thoughts:

Shibari - Our Thoughts and Prayers continue to be with you dearest - things happen for a reason that we may not understand until much later
AR - Not happy with your Stars continuing to beat our Wild
Biscuit - Respect your decision to take a break from HNT but will miss the artistic and beautifully sensual presentations
Cate - Reminding us all that others see the beauty in us that we do not always see
Dana - Read your 11/23 Sunday Secret and could not think of what to say to dispel your 'Big' thought. Cate did a much better job than I could have.

We are all blessed in who we are and who we have ...>>Sometimes we just lose site of that

GET BUSY LIVIN' OR GET BUSY DYIN'

Houston, we have a problem (or two, three, four... )

2008-11-18T14:30:00.004-05:00

First - No TMI Today (Too frazzled at work to participate)

Second - Life is just soooo busy right now. Between work being insane, school being insane, kids being insane and exwife being insane, there seems to be no balance right now. As a recovering alcoholic, balance is important. The positive part of where I am in my life is that at least I recognize that and acknowledge that, rather than try to hide it or pretend I can overcome all. Knowing my limitations helps during the craziness. God will not give me more than I can handle........unless he has my sense of humor :-)

Third - No Date Night yet this month for Babushka and I. I am not sure that a date night every week or even every other week will always be doable but we should NEVER go a month without at least one quality date night. We are targeting Nov. 28th but if something comes up that day that is not expected (See Problem #2) that leaves little time before December. Quality, non-sex alone time is so important for any couple but it seems especially critical for us. We just do better in all areas of life if we are connected.

Fourth - I HATE E.D. SOME DAYS! Last Night was one of those nights. Of all of the benefits I derive from my ADD and AD meds, this is one I could do without. Now I have never been one to separate sex as intercourse vs oral vs. whatever. For me, sexual intimacy with Babushka is all about sharing our nekkidness and and orgasms. We both enjoy making the other cum more than our own orgasms (well, at least as much). That said, last night we had a stressfull, emotion filled evening and both of us were wiped out, so I did not take 1/2 of one of those blue miracle pills. Of course as soon as we are in bed we begin to wake up and Babushka gets particularly horny and explicit in telling me what we will be doing (my cock= her ass). Semi-erect just doesn't cut it during times like these.

I am blessed tha Babushka is so understanding. We had a wonderfully sexual evening and she did enjoy an outstandingly strong orgasm. She makes sure that I have no reason to feel guilty or ffrustrated or inadequate, which is wonderful. That said, there are times I syre miss the days of youth when the cock was rock hard immediiately at the appropriate time - and sometimes teh inappropriate times :-)

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
All said - Life is wonderful and I am blessed...my cup overfloweth

Updates on Stuff

2008-11-16T08:48:00.003-05:00

Well, because there is so much going on, I have sectioned off everything just in case there are only certain things our readers are looking for updates on:

House
No showing, yet, on the house. But, thats ok. We have been good at keeping it up. We drove by one option. The pictures did not do it justice. . . The colors on the pictures were nice. The house itself, not so much. It was a BRIGHT yellow. I have spoken to both Pumpkin and BuddyLuv about the move. See below Pumpkin and BuddyLuv sections for more details on that update.

PB
I debated about starting with her to get her out of the way, or ending with her to not allow her to look like a priority. I just want to get her update out of the way. Last Friday, we were kind enough to give PB a heads up that, since she was planning to be at Pumpkin's bball game, I would be attending, also. We thought this was the right thing to do so that she could choose not to be there if it was an issue. After all, this was our weekend with the kids. Well, she did not only NOT choose to stay away, she chose to invite her entire family. It was like the divorce trial all over again! even with them there, things went really well! I guess they were in close proximity to us at one point. But, I didn't let it get to me. I was partially glad to be in the same building as her. I was starting to worry that she was like some super model or something since I still had not a clue about what she looked like. I finally saw a glimpse of her as she walked out the door. Oh. She just looked like a lonely, bitter, angry, hard older woman. Of course, when I was talking to friends later, I added a few more colorful terms. But, that was the basic gist of it. No interaction. Afterwards, I felt a bit childish for not having faced them all head on, introducing myself. But, then again, that was probably the purpose for bringing God and County, right?

New Truck
With Dude driving, we have been debating about purchasing another vehicle. Kahuna was driving an older model Honda with over 160K miles on it. We knew that should go to Dude next year when he gets his license. The debate was, do we take on a car payment now? Or, do we wait until next year? We decided that it was financially smarter to NOT wait and NOT put another 15K+ miles on the Honda. After the first bball game Saturday and before the second, we test drove and bought a Saab 9-7x, beautiful burgandy SUV. Kahuna had to call PB to ask for the name of the car insurance person. Ohhhh. . . Talk about a 20 questions bitch. . .

Pumpkin 1
Saturday after her game, I had to leave and meet friends to work on Christmas presents. We are all into beading. So, we are making jewelry for family. Pumpkin must have missed me because she waked many times if I was coming back. Which, I did. Sunday morning, she was coughing in bed. I went in and got her a drink, then moved her to the couch and tucked her in nice and warm to watch TV and wake up. She liked this, calling me a Mama Bear and saying I take care of her like a Mama Bear takes care of her cubs. :-) Of course I do. Thats how I am. At breakfast, a Mama Bear comment was repeated. (in my heart of hearts, I hoped that time that this name would stick. I understand, she has a mom. But, if my kids are not going to call me mom, any term of endearment would be welcomed with open arms)

Pumpkin 2
Pumpkin and I got to spend our first quality alone time last weekend on Sunday. It is funny. Sometimes I think my heart cannot smile any wider. . . Then, it does! Pumpkin remembered that we had not yet gone to Build-a-Bear for my bday. So, off we went (in the new truck). When we first got to the mall, Pumpkin and I sat and shared some cheese curds. As we did, we talked. I told her that I hope she knows I am another adult she can turn to if she needs someone to talk to. And, asked how things were going with the two households.
**She shared with me that there are times when she would really like to see Kahuna more.
**But, because those times are "PB's" times, she isn't allowed to leave.
**She is only allowed to see Kahuna on the scheduled days.
**She said that her mom is too busy for her.
I asked how she felt about all the changes that were going on, and the plans for next summer. She smiled. She had a lot of positive things to say.
**She's excited BuddyLuv may be on the same bus as her.
**She's excited BuddyLuv will in the same school as her.
**She's excited that BuddyLuv will kind of know what it's like to have a lil'sis and big'bro.
**She's excited that maybe she'll be allowed to come over more often when we are closer.
**She's excited that I will get to know kind of what it is like to have a daughter.
We finished up, went to Build-a-Bear and had a great time. We named the bear Mama Bear. :-) When we got back, she proudly showed Kahuna the bear, declaring that it is a Mama Bear like me and Kahuna is the Daddy Bear.

Dude
I know Dude doesn't NOT like me. I can see that. But, he is still not all that comfortable around me. I feel like he is avoiding eye contact. Time is what I can offer him. Hopefully, over time, he will come around. I recognize that I do not control that. And, to that, I will not worry about it. As long as he doesn't hate me, I can love with that. Now, Build-a-Bears, that is one thing he hates. He actually went so far as to state before we left that Pumpkin gets more stuffed animals just because they "piss" him off. I have a hard time with him speaking like this. I know he is just "speaking his mind" and "being himself". But, I see his behavior as disrespectful. Hopefully we will be able to meet in the middle on this. Dude drove us to his house that night in the Honda. Kahuna was in the front. Pumpkin and I were in the back. We held each other's hand for dear life, said a prayer and covered our mouths with the other hand to surpress the expressions of sheer terror. It was scary that, even with his permit, he did not follow posted speeds, swerved a lot, took corners without breaking and almost ran a red arrow. OMG, I felt sick afterwards!

BuddyLuv
BuddyLuv is still doing really good when it comes to the move. He really wants to move about a month before school gets out. He believes that new kids are the cool kids. If he moves right before school ends, he will be the cool kid for part of this year. Plus, because he still plans to go away most of the summer, he will be the cool kid for at least part of next school year, too. He made the B honor roll, I believe. This is the first time he has done so well. He wouldn't have, had one teacher adjust their grade. He had not had rights to his gaming system for quite some time. There was a time when he had missing assignments and some poor test scores. We are struggling with him because, we see what good grades he got without putting in extra effort and reviewing things and what great grades he would get if he did the extra effort. He sees that he can work even less, and purposely NOT excel so he doesn't have to deal with the excitment and still get by with passing grades. We finally let him have the system back yesterday for one day because Kahuna had school all day and I worked all day. . . His attitude was crap by the end of the day. How do you make someone care?

Kahuna
On Monday night, Kahuna found out he may have to go to NC for work, leaving the next day. He did not want to go, so was not going to pack. Luckily he did because at 10 am Tuesday, I got the call to deliver him to the airport so that ne could leave at 1:30. I walked in the door to grad him and head out. He was on his Blackberry and headset, making important calls. We went downstairs, he NEEDED to amek me cum orally. Off I came and off we went. He was supposed to be gone until Friday. But, luckily, he came home Thursday.

Princess
This past week was a rough but blessed week for myfamily. Thursday my 9 year old niece had surgery to replace a piece of bone in her leg where a tumor was growing with that of a jar-grown bone. Though I have a hard time taking things my sister says at face value, if she is telling the truth, this will probably have to happen at various times over her life. I took Thursday off to be with my niece and gram. My niece is home now.

Gram 1
To follow this story, you need to know that I still have two grams. Gram is "regular gram. She is the one I grew up very close to and have always known well. I also have a gram-not-from-az-anymore. Most of my life, she lived out of state. I have never been close to her. She moved here, where she grew up. Anways, Gram was taken by ambulance last Saturday when they thought she was having a heart attack. She was sent home. Wednesday, she was again taken by ambulance. This time because of problems breathing. She was admitted. She is now off all of her meds, ALL of them and it was a lot. They are debating about sendig her home or to a transitional housing for a week.

Gram 2
As I was getting directions to the hospital, my mom called to tell me that they were taking gram-not-from-az-anymore to the hospital for a blood clot. Because it is disolving, she is home, now.

Closing
Well, there is more, of course, by my 13 year old is acting like a 2 year old. So, I have to go.

Not quite done yet. - TMI

2008-11-11T07:43:00.003-05:00

1. Ever been skinny dipping?
BABUSHKA - Nope. I guess I could take it or leave it.
KAHUNA - I would love to with Babushka

2. How often do you kiss or make out without it simply being a foreplay activity?
BABUSHKA - A lot! Let's see, we kiss when one of us
1) walks in the door (rarely getting beyond the tile of the entry way).
2) is cooking
3) sits next to the other
4) is doing dishes
5) has lips available
6) walks out the door
7) is just outside the door ("Outside Kiss")
8) is having a rough day
9) is having a good day
We kiss a lot!
KAHUNA - See above!!

3. On a scale of 1-10, how content are you with your life? (1 is lowest, 10 is highest) Do you think 'content' and 'happy' the same thing?
BABUSHKA - I think I am a 8 for content and 9 for happy. Content is being ok with things as they are, and being ok with them never changing. Happy is acceptance of circumstances with a positive feeling.
KAHUNA - I could not have said it better. What is important from my standpoint is that pre-Babushka I was never more than a 5 in either category

4. What do you do to relieve stress?
KAHUNA - Let's see..............Have sex with Babushka, masturbate..........are there any other cures? :-) Also, I like to exercise but have not done so in a few months :-(

5. What was the special trait in your first lover that made you decide that they were "the one?"
KAHUNA - I never decided anyone was "the one" until my first time with Babushka. My experiences until then had been confusing and always 'missing something'. I could never explain what was missing. I cannot say I really can now, other than say 'it' is not missing when I am with Babushka.

Bonus: How old were you when you first had sex? (positive experiences here...)
KAHUNA - I was 18 but it was not positive so I will leave it at that....

Wow!

2008-11-04T08:12:00.000-05:00

Wow!

And the next morning

2008-11-03T07:53:00.002-05:00

It is the next morning.

And, we are still together.

And, we are still blessed.

I love you, Kahuna.

Thank you for the raw tears that lead to our growth.

Trust, Faith and Honesty

2008-11-02T18:37:00.005-05:00

Today was difficult. I think it was the fact that I was not prepared for such a difficult day that made it almost overwhelming.

I woke to what I thought was going to be a beautiful. You can tell from the last post. Then, BAM! Within an hour of waking, I was struggling with my son's attitude about school, homework and respecting his elders in general.

Next, we go to church, another fight just to get there. . .

Then a fight to sit up right and sing. . .

Then thoughts of dread of what was later to come that afternoon: a baby shower. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for my friend who is having the baby. She is very excited. I am so happy for her. But, it reminds me that we have chosen to accept that we will never have a baby. that was a dream, for all the years that I was single: have a baby, with someone who wants to have a baby with me, and do things "the right way". Share in all the joy surrounding a pregnancy and baby. Be there and participate in the child's every stage. . . not work 2+ jobs and miss the important milestones.

Then concern that it would be better if I were not there, as I am not good at being fake, which I would have to be in order to not have a negative effect on the party. Then wonder if it were to be better for all if I were not there.

Then it is all saints day, so we are remembering those who have gone before us. . .

Then thoughts turned to all of our discussions about weddings and marriage. And, I got angry. I got so angry, I had to leave church.

Funny, it hadn't been that long since I last talked to Kahuna. But, he knew. Somehow, he knew.

It wasn't long before he was at my door and we were in the bedroom. . . talking, crying, facing fears and being raw. It was the first time I was really mad at him. I was mad that he could not see just how important marriage and a ceremony meant to me. We had talked about it before, a couple of times. I sometimes struggle with NOT having made that commitment before God and family before living together. But, I had never been mad. I had never been angry. Dealing with everything else today brought out the anger. I was mad. I was mad that, from what I saw, PB had been such a demanding fucking bitch when they got married, he was scarred, not interested in the joy that can be a ceremony day. I was mad at myself for caring about the blessing and ceremony so much. Mad at myself for not accepting Kahuna's loving commitment under his terms. Mad that I felt like I was pushing, when I did not want to. Mad that I was not being patient and letting us both get to the same point naturally. And, I was afraid. I was afraid that there never would be a meet in the middle place for us. Afraid that Kahuna would decide that I am too demanding, too pushy, too something. Too wrong for him.

And, we cried.

And I told him.

And we cried.

And then we talked.

And then, as fast and overwhelming as it was, the healing began.

Kahuna helped me to see how, when something matter to me this much, it is my responsibility to sit him and and tell him EXACTLY how and feel and why I feel how I feel. Otherwise, we cannot find peace.

Kahuna also challenged me to think about and put into words what aspects of marriage/ceremony are important to me and why. It is important for us to both honestly look at this if we are going to meet in the happy middle that we both can find peace in.

We need to trust, have faith and act with honesty to have peace and transparent love.

MmMmMmMmMmMm

2008-11-02T08:25:00.004-05:00

My body shakes

It is powerful

So powerful, I practically sit up

Tremors from my head

Down to my toes

As quickly as I was up

I lay back down

We are the world

There is nothing beyond us

No worries

No Stress

No thoughts

No cares

Tracing

Tracing the muscles in my legs

Up over my hips

Along my waiste

My sides

Around my breasts

Up to my neck

Down my stomache

Back to my legs

And around, again

Your fingers putting me in a trance

The touch so light

So caring

So gentle

Amazing

Intimate

Amazingly intimate

Just an update

2008-10-29T21:48:00.003-05:00

So far so great!

The house has been on the Market since Saturday. No calls yet. Patience, I know. . .

I am trying to weed through things and sell off some things. I know we don't want to go hog wild and drown in the debt of new things for the new house. But, it is also so exciting to start anew. I want everything to be us. . . not everything that WAS us.

Over the last few days, I have emailed my sister with details of things headed out the door. I guess I was not thinking (consciously) that she would guess I am moving. But, she asked point blank if I was planning to sell my house. I went to Kahuna to talk through how I wanted to handle that call. My options were to 1) lie. 2) tell her the truth. 3) avoid the question. Before, option 3 would have been preferred. I couldn't live with option 1. So, option 3 was the option for me.

I told her that, yes, I am planning to and am actually in the process of selling the house. I also asked for her silence as BuddyLuv and I had a plan as to how we would like to tell everyone. Her response was more questions. Those I did not send lies or ignore. I simply said that I love her.

Well, I was going to write more. But, Kahuna just walked in from school and I want to cuddle!

What would you (not) do for $10,000

2008-10-24T14:33:00.003-04:00

Some days I am so busy around the office that I end up reading stories such as this.

Marriage Contest has one hitch: No sex

There are a few quotes within the article that helped me lighten up an otherwise stressed day at the office:

- "In our society it's going to be hard to find" a couple that hasn't had premarital sex [a couple who has not had premarital sex]. … But the standard is the standard." I suspect it would be easier to find a couple not having post-marital sex :-).......but her standard is her standard and she is sticking to it, by Golly!

- Yet in a recent interview, Faust seemed inclined to relax the rules, saying couples engaging in sex can still qualify but they must acknowledge, “The right choice is probably not to have had done it.” She will, however, draw the line at couples living together. “If the couple is living together, definitely not, because they are set up for the kill.” OK, so her standard was dropped dramatically in the very next sentence but only as long as they have sex in their car or their parents house!!

Hypocrisy is so prevalent "in our society", although apparently not as prevalent as premarital sex. How about we focus on discussions with our teens and young adults about respecting and honoring the person you are making love with. Or perhaps the importance of effective communication regarding sexual needs and expectations during a marriage before they get married.

But no - as long as you are a virgin when you are married then you are have succeeded! - unwanted sex, forced sex, withholding sex as part of your marriage are fine because THANK GOD you are married.

You know, Babushka and I could use $10,000 if we acknowledge it would have been better if we waited.........................not waited with each other but waited with the unfulfilling sexual partners we had before each other! Plus - We only participated in oral sex with each other this morning before work so perhaps we still qualify as virgins (at least for today) :-)

GET BUSY LIVIN' OR GET BUSY DYIN'
It appears many are getting busy indeed

TMI Tuesday #157

2008-10-21T09:35:00.001-04:00

Have you ever felt guilty or ashamed after a sexual experience?
KAHUNA – No, not anymore.

Did you ever own a fake ID?
KAHUNA – I did and it amazes me that it ever worked at all!

How often do you tell white lies? Is it with or without thinking?
KAHUNA – I do my very best to not tell white lies and if it does occur I look to admit it and make amends for it. I am certainly not perfect at this, but as a foundation of recovery this is a greater concern for me than it likely is for most.

On a scale of 1-10, how well do you receive constructive criticism?
KAHUNA – Typically I am very good at taking constructive criticism (9) but it can depend on how I am feeling emotionally and who is delivering the criticism.

Have you ever shaved your pubic hair?
KAHUNA – Yes and I still do. My lovely Babushka shaves me sometimes as well

Bonus: What percentage of women do you think are capable of handling being in a "friends with benefits" relationship? How about men?
KAHUNA – ALERT…..SEXIST ANSWER ON ITS WAY…..
Women – 90%
Hetero Men – 1%
Non-Hetero Men – 5% :-)

Babushka's Catching Up :-)

2008-10-19T20:57:00.007-04:00

We'll actually tomorrow is my Babushka's Birthday but we celebrated this weekend.

On Friday, we had a lovely dinner at at TGIF's and then went to see The Dutchess. This was a great date movie, although Babushka did comment on how women of the time were certainly mistreated generally. For me, I simply cannot fathom no electricity. We then went back to my place for presents, dessert and sleep. Although Babushka was not showered with riches, I do believe she truly appreciated her gifts:

Hand-drawn Birthday Card from Pumpkin
University Sweatshirt from the school I am attaining my MBA from
New Cell-Phone
Part 2 of my erotic story written for her (Part 1 was given to her last Christmas)

We awoke early, maybe 5:00am or so, and enjoyed some absolutely phenomenal lovemaking/fucking. After a couple orgasms for the birthday girl and one for me, we rooled back into each others arms and fell back asleep for three more hours. That was an incredible experience I had never enjoyed before - morning sex followed by cuddling sleep.

Saturday was a lovely day (of course it was - look how it started). I took Babushka to a park on the Mississippi River where we strolled on the hiking path, hand in hand, and enjoyed the beautiful turning of the foliage. It was quiet, serene and one of the most spiritual days we have had in quite a while. We took the camera but the fact I forgot to charge the batteries I was only able to snap a few photos. It was such a beautiful day!!!!

Today we cleaned Babushka's house, as we are preparing for the Realtor to come over tomorrow. As Babushka has posted earlier, we are looking to facilitate an eventual short sale with the mortgage company. It is a difficult and stressful process, especially for my Babushka. I so wish I could take the burden for her - I will do everything I can to love and support her.

Some days do not feel necessarily joyous and free but if we slow down we can find something within each day to bring us joy and freedom from our worries.

GET BUSY LIVIN' OR GUT BUSY DYIN'
Babushka is my "something"

Harder, Harder, Harder

2008-10-15T06:52:00.002-04:00

We have told all three children. Dude was basically silent, beyond asking if Kahuna would be living in the city Dude lives in. Pumpkin was silent. BuddyLuv. . . not so much. The intial response was a simple multiple "No" followed by goofey behavior. He did like the fact he would still have his own room and was even promised a TV in his room. The next morning, Kahuna, in his loving and wonderful ways, mentioned that he was looking forward to the possability to spending time with BuddyLuv on a daily basis. Now that they know, it is harder to be patient and thankful for today, rather than focus on dreams of the future. I just want to be with Kahuna. I just want BuddyLuv to be with Kahuna.

I am scared of the treatment I will probably receive from the mortgage company. However, there are necessary evils that must occur to help support your request for a short sale. I don't deal well with mean people. I take it very personally and often allow it to upset me. It will be hard. But, I must find the strength to get through this part.

Last night, Kahuna had conferences and the children. That meant We could not see him. Those days are becoming harder and harder. Yes, I am pmsing, I am sure. But, I was on the phone with Kahuna and shed a few tears as I shared with him how much my body hurt from doing some physical labor around the home and just wanted to cuddle up into him and go to sleep.

My birthday is coming up!I will be 33 (I think. . . 75 to 08. . . yep, 33)! For my birthday, I am so excited! I get 4 days with Kahuna! Friday night! All day Saturday (except I have to work. But, it is a short 4 hour shift. I could not pass because it is the league I normally wait on. It would be irresponsible of me NOT to be there when I can make decent money. Besides, they know it is my bday! They said they would spread the word to be extra nice to me with tips)! All day Sunday (Kahuna, before I forget, BuddyLuv has to acolyte on Sunday, will you go to church with us)! And Monday night! Hey, and technically, Tuesday, too, in the morning! YEAH!

Kahuna. . .

I know your desires to give me the world. I have them, too. I don't need the world. I need you. I know you mentioned last night that you were having a hard night accepting the details of the divorce again because of the impact on us and our finances. I have those times, too. Not because I want your money. But rather, because of the stress it causes you.

It is ok, sweetie. You made the right choices because they were the choices you made. It has all happened in this way for a reason. I accept it and am thankful. No matter the outcome, we now have the opportunity to accept it and opportity to be free to move on. That moving on means we are one step closer to our dreams. I see nothing but good in that.

I miss you!

I desire you!

I adore you!

I love you!

Get busy livin or get busy dyin. . .
This is us living.

PS I bet you thought this was going to be about sex!

TMI Tuesday #156 - Foresight

2008-10-14T07:40:00.000-04:00

What do you do that sends a clear signal to your partner that you're interested in an intimate evening?
KAHUNA – Babushka and I have a running jock right now where we will call the other on the phone and ask if we can have sex, followed by a plea that we need to have sex tonight. It is very cute

How important is foreplay to an exciting evening?
KAHUNA – I read a book a long time ago called “sex begins in the kitchen”. I believe foreplay is an all-day event. I am always cuddling and kissing and caressing Babushka. By the time we get to an opportunity to have sex we are both already worked up.

What is the first thing you do during foreplay or what is the first thing you like done to you?
KAHUNA – Answer #2 aside, I am big on kissing and rubbing the whole body – giving and receiving

Are you a one and done kind of partner (20 minutes or so) or do you like intimacy sessions longer than 60 minutes?
KAHUNA – Both are great and serve their purpose, although I typically take a longer time to cum than most so we tend to lean toward the longer sessions.

BONUS: If you are interested in sex with a same-sex partner, what would be the first thing you'd like to touch on that other person, and why? (For those already in same sex relationships...what was the first thing you touched, or if you were interested in a relationship with the opposite sex, what would be the first thing you touched?)
KAHUNA – I wish I had a reply here but cannot lie. I see nothing wrong with two men having sex together it is just not an interest to me.

Where to start

2008-10-12T09:03:00.009-04:00

Well, where do we start?

Housing. . . The announcement:
WE ARE MOVING! I am so beyond excited! I am so beyond scared! A while back, I shared with Kahuna that I have dreamed for a while that BuddyLuv and I will be in the same city as he and his family by the beginning of the next school year. I feel it is important that this happen in the summer, not mid year. I also feel it is important that this happen THIS summer because he would have one more year in middle school to adjust before he start high school. Then he would go to HS with the same kids from start to finish.

Housing. . . The history:
For the entire time Kahuna and I have been together, I struggled back and forth. I was torn. I KNEW from day one this would happen. I prayed this would happen. But, I was also scared that this would happen. I felt that, because I have, in my opinion, been a less than good mother for most of BuddyLuv's life, I owed it to him to NEVER make him switch school districts. This was reinforced by my parent's, who held, and probably still hold, the opinion that I would be "selfish" to move BuddyLuv to a brand new school district just so that I can be with Kahuna.

Housing. . . The realities:
I have been able to talk through this with a few close friends. 1) Although this may be a rough transition for BuddyLuv, this may not be a rough transition for him. 2) He would not be the first child who is moved during middle school. 3) He may want to stay in the same school district with his friends. But, he wants someone he can think of and call DAD even more.

Housing. . . The fears:
The fears that run through my mind are:
1) The children will have a rough adjustment
2) The children will, worse yet, never adjust
3) We will end up as one of those tragic families you hear about where wonderful, non-violent children become violent and rebellious (any of the children)
4) This will damage Kahuna's relationships with his children
5) Living in sin, and God's/families' opinion and not being able to have my nieces' over, overnight, because of this choice

Housing. . . The market:
As I am sure I mentioned before, I was preyed upon when I bought my house. Preyed upon by a contractor/attorney/realtor who were all working together to dump a flipped home. It ended up being overpriced when purchased and overpriced when refinanced to keep it. Well, in today's market, that means a home value 20+% LESS than it is currently marketed at. OUCH! Our options are/were to:
1) Stay as is, living in two separate homes in two separate cities
2) Selling my home, trying to get the bank to accept a short sale
3) Keeping the home and renting it out
4) Foreclosure

I have openly entertained Option 1. It is my last choice. Option 4 is my second to last choice. We would be able to all be together. But, my credit would be ruined and that is all that I have had for all of these years. I have taken pride in the fact that I keep decent credit through the messes I have been in. I am still torn between Option 2 and Option 3.

Option 2
Negative
1) Hit to my credit, effecting it for a few years
2) The market may turn around before 2011 when the balloon payment is due
3) It will probably take a while to sell and I would not be able to rent it out while waiting for it to sell
Positive
1) This house would then be in my past
2) We would not have to deal with the risks of rentals
3) We could take our lumps and move on

Option 3
Negative
1) It is risky renting
2) I would still be responsible for the home and repairs
3) I would be financially responsible for the home if I do not have a renter
4) It would be expensive to make the necessary repairs to make the home rentable
5) Our rental choice would be more limited to budget for 3
My credit could potentially still be hurt
Positive
1) The market could turn around, renting may allow for us to break even in the end
2) My credit could potentially stay good
3) I could find good renters like the one currently in my basement and all would be fine

Wow! As I am listing these out, I have started to realize just how much risk there could be with Option 3. Yes, I could spent the 10K now to fix the place up. But, the reality is, the home would probably not regain 40K in value in 3 years. Therefore, we would need to do a short sale/foreclosure 3 years from now anyway. Plus, we would be out the money put into it just to make it rentable, plus, that means I risk my credit being affected for 3-7 years after 2011! Plus, who knows if banks will be as open to short sales then like many are being forced to be now. If I do and can do a short sale now, the credit hit would be over by the time the balloon payment is due.

Housing. . . The dream:
I know this probably sounds negative. There is a lot to think about, and a lot running through my mind. But, in the end, at the end of the day, the only thing that truly matters is that we will all be together. It will all work out. We just need to take that leap of faith.

Get busy livin' or get busy dyin':
I have my eyes wide open and I am ready to jump!

2008-10-11T16:25:00.002-04:00

It is not very often that I am at a loss of what to do on a Saturday afternoon

Dude is at debate and I am unsure when he will return.
Punkin is not feeling well so she does not want to go anywhere.
Babushka is working her 2nd job - too much work for not enough money
BuddyLuv is alone and likely on his third hour of COD4
My school homework is on my work computer

I am not doing anything of any real value, while Babushka continues to work every day with no days off. I do not feel right about this. If babushka is doing work I should be either working or schooling. It may not be "my fault" but it still seems that somehow I am letting her down by not doing either.

I was gonna post something fun and naughty, but I realize that Babushka is my inspiration for fun and naughtiness in my life. Instead I am gonna read my new book.

I was reading the blog of AR earlier today and she mentioned that she had not seen her BF since July. It made me realize I never want to go that long without my Babushka. Days apart are bad enough.

Lots going on in our lives right now, but days like this are a great reminder that I want Babushka and BuddyLuv in my life.....................full time

TMI #155 - Virtues Edition

2008-10-07T12:27:00.001-04:00

OK Dana/Boo – I am going to answer these questions but do not appreciate the need to go to my dictionary for all these virtuous words to understand what they mean 

1. Prudence: When do you feel it is most important to exercise prudence? When is it acceptable to throw practicality out the window?
• KAHUNA – Sound judgment is a good practice in all situations, although some might say leaving a comfortable (if unhappy) existence for the unknown was not prudent.

2. Justice: Is a sense of justice really a virtue, or is only a tool that allows us to pass judgment on others without feeling guilty? What do you feel is the greatest injustice facing the world today?
• KAHUNA – Justice in my opinion is not a virtue, as it is almost solely based on the subjective interpretation of the person(s) seeking it. What I feel is the greatest injustice facing the world today may be entirely just and reasonable in the eyes of others. We all have a soapbox from which we like to espouse our wisdom from.

3. Temperance: All things in moderation. Should we allow ourselves a few excesses? How well do you restrain yourself when faced with your deepest desires?
• KAHUNA – Being someone who is in recovery from both alcohol and pornography addictions, I likely view this differently than some. Moderation is something that does not come naturally to me so I always need to question my own motives and self-restraint is not always easy. For me the desire to be honest and willingness to be as transparent as possible allows for moderation that was not always there.

For alcohol, I have no interest in drinking again so I am able to easily say moderation is not an option. Sobriety is a daily reprieve that I choose – if I ever drink again it will addictive not moderate.

For Porn it is much more complex. Babushka and I enjoy porn and being with her has eliminated the shame I felt in my marriage about it. There are times when this can be a moderate, enjoyable behavior for me yet other times it can be an addictive behavior to escape my feelings. That said, I meet with my SAA sponsor regularly and we discuss where I am at emotionally and what I am or am not viewing/reading as well as sharing myself with Babushka

4. Courage/Fortitude: How well do you confront fear and uncertainty, or intimidation? Does facing the little things make you as brave as facing the big things?
• KAHUNA – I do a better job of this that previous, although there is always room to improve. Babushka and I have faced a number of fears together and I am confident we will continue to do so.

5. Faith: Is it important to have faith? How steadfast are you in your core beliefs? Do your core beliefs equate to faith in something?
• KAHUNA – I consider myself spiritual in a recovery sense but not very religious. I tried to become much more religious when I was married but it never ended up connecting with me. My core beliefs equate to faith in my recovery, faith in those I love and ultimately faith in myself.

6. Hope: Does having hope for the future help you deal with the present? How good are you at finding the good in the bad? What is the thing you hope for most?
• KAHUNA – I have more hope for my future today than I have ever had previously (I am writing a college paper on this topic). I do a fairly good job in finding the good in people and situations (politicians excluded). I hope for little these days; If I want to attain something I will work for it rather than hope it happens.

7. Love/Charity: How easy is it for you to give selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness? How easy is it for you to receive selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness?
• KAHUNA – When I am in a strong mode and sound in my recovery, I exhibit great amounts of selfless and unconditional love. When I am in a less accepting and not as grateful for the blessing in my life and more focused on what I do not have (typically financial) I am instead selfish and conditional in my reactions. I receive love and kindness much better than I used to and always enjoy when Babushka unconditionally loves me– like Sunday Night / Monday morning when a great bout of anal sex put me to sleep and a great blowjob woke me up. Give, Give, Give!!!!!!

TMI Follow-up and Long Overdue HNT

2008-10-01T16:15:00.008-04:00

A brief conversation I had while driving Wednesday morning made me think of the Tuesday question of sexy vs. erotic:

Babushka: I have good news and bad news
Kahuna: Give me the bad news first
Babushka: I am starting to get the cold that my BuddyLuv has
Kahuna: I am sorry to hear that
Babushka: The good news is I would still love to see you tonight after your class, although I understand if you would rather not risk catching this cold
Kahuna: I appreciate your concern and understand that I get to your house so late after class. You need your rest and don't want to wake you up
Babushka: Sweetie, I need to suck your cock tonight
Kahuna: (snickers)
Babushka: No - I NEED to suck your cock tonight

Now I do not know whether to term this sexy or erotic, but I do know it greatly improved my drive into the office.

Regarding HNT - Recent changes to our firewall has made it impossible for me to access the site of the HNT founder. That and over scheduling has made me neglect the posting of this HNT of Babushka that I took a few months back as we celebrated the end of my never-ending divorce...............I do love looking at her

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
My chances of getting a cold just increased dramatically :-)

TMI #154

2008-09-30T08:06:00.000-04:00

What do you feel is the difference between sexy and erotic?
KAHUNA – Sexy is something that can be inferred onto anyone “That gal looks sexy in those jeans” while Erotic is something personal (for me it is with Babushka)

Do you believe there is one right person (i.e. soul mate) for you out there in the world, or that there can be many different potential mates that you could live blissfully with?
KAHUNA – I spent nearly twenty years thinking there was no such thing but wishing there could be. For almost two years now, I have been with that one right person

Do you need to hear "I love you" or similar words on a regular basis from your partner?
KAHUNA – Multiple times every day

What feeling do you have the most difficulty expressing?
KAHUNA – fear, frustration and disappointment

What is worse - physical, mental or cyber cheating?
KAHUNA – They are all a reflection of something not working in your relationship. Focusing on fixing that relationship is more important than ‘which cheating is worse’.

Bonus (as in optional): The Kinsey scale attempts to describe a person's sexual history or episodes of their sexual activity at a given time. It uses a scale from 0, meaning exclusively heterosexual, to 6, meaning exclusively homosexual. Where are you - TODAY - on the scale?
KAHUNA - Too complicated for me to figure out

Benefits of a Small Town Blog

2008-09-26T20:30:00.003-04:00

So many things have been going on with Babushka and myself that we have been neglectful of our blog reading and writing lately. I also have this wonderful HNT of Babushka that I need to post but I can no longer access the big Oz website so I have not posted.

One result of not posting regularly and not posting HNT is that our blog is not heavily read (always amazing how a pic of a beautiful woman increases readership!). We are not unlike most in that we like people to visit, read and comment. But this desire to be 'blog-pular' is not without its' perils.

Two blogs that we read regularly and enjoyed have gone by the wayside due to improper popularity. Most of us blog somewhat "incognito" which allows us to safely post some things we would not want family or friends to necessarily read.

Being exposed online is every much as violating as being physically exposed, sometimes moreso. As a previous TMI confirmed, most people would rather run around wuth their junk hanging out than have their minds and thoughts exposed to the world. The first experience with bing outed on a blog was with Girl with a One-Track Mind a few years back. Although she has since made the best of itthe initial exposure was extremely painful.

I miss those who have to leave due to the lack of courtesy, integrity and honesty of others whose desire to tell the world what they know overrides common decency. There are times when being less popular is a good thing.

Regarding Babushka and I - we will update everyine in more detail (or try to do our best). Between work, kids and school we have little time and typically have to choose betwen blogin' or sexin'.........................Yep - Sexin' usually wins :-)

Get Busy Livin' of Get Busy Dyin'

TMI #152

2008-09-16T08:51:00.001-04:00

1). Ever been stalked an ex? Stalked an ex? Or stalked 'a you'd like to be'?
KAHUNA – You might say I stalked Babushka, though I would say I was simply concerned she had an adequate supply of paper and pens.

2). How often do you reach orgasm during sex? Has then historically been true?
KAHUNA – Suppose this is geared more to the gals, as guys typically finish. Babushka and I both enjoy bringing the other to orgasm immensely so this is never a real issue.

3). Teeth when used during oral stimulation, good or bad?
KAHUNA - Good when used sparingly, bad when used as a weapon

4). How many times is the most you have ever had sex in a 24 hour period? How many different sexual partners have you had in a 24 hour period?
KAHUNA - I guess it would depend on the definition of sex, but probably 3 times. Only one partner in a 24 hour period (I am dull)

5). Would you rather run naked through a crowded place or have someone email your deepest secret too all your friends?
KAHUNA - To be honest, I would be fine with either, as long as there was a guarantee that I would not be arrested for either one

Bonus: Have you ever kissed your partner on the lips after oral sex without brushing teeth, nor washing/gargling/rinsing out mouth? Turn on or off?
KAHUNA - Certainly, we love the taste of ourselves one each others lips (both pairs for her)

TMI #151

2008-09-09T09:52:00.001-04:00

1). Describe the perfect date for YOURSELF... what you would enjoy most.
KAHUNA – Any evening out with Babushka.

2). Do you lean more toward being submissive or dominant?
KAHUNA – I would say I still lean toward submissive, in regards to always apologizing for things I do not need to be sorry for. I am working on getting more assertive and confident in my personal life.

3). What do you usually wear to bed?
KAHUNA – I excitedly wear nothing but a smile and erection if alone with Babushka. Otherwise I wear Underwear/Sweats if with the kids.

4). Have you ever seen a counselor?
KAHUNA – A number of them over the years – both individual and marital.

5). Lights on or off?
KAHUNA – I prefer the lights on. I love seeing Babushka’s face and body

Bonus (as in optional): Bonus: Have you or a partner ever faked an orgasm?
KAHUNA – Ironically, I tried once with Babushka – it was an abject failure. Men just should not try to fake it.

The Long and Winding Road....

2008-09-06T20:18:00.004-04:00

......That leads to your door.......

I was listening to The Fab Four earlier this week while doing homework and comes to mind today as I am again working on said homework. That said, the in-between time for Babushka and I has been a curvy and confusing path indeed:

Great Sex
Closeness and Intimacy
Heartfelt but Difficult Discussion
More Great Sex
More Intimacy and Closeness
Greater Disagreement and Misunderstanding
More Heartfelt but Difficult Discussion

That's alot of activity for about a 36 hour timeframe but it is the reality of Babushka and I right now. There is much raw emotion within both of us, which can manifest itself in many ways - Fear, Passion, Gratitude, Resentment, Humor and Joy, Worries and Sorrow.

We both have alot of "stuff" on our plates right now, more than either of us would like. Yet we both are missing things that we would like added to our plate. Perhaps it is not that we have too much "stuff" we are juggling, just that we wish to be juggling different "stuff".

What I do know is that I am proud of us both and grateful to be here right now. You always hear that 'relationships take work'. I always hated hearing that when my Ex said that to me - it was her way trying to get me to accept my unhappiness as normal. My response was always "I am not afraid of the hard work, but both people have to be working toward the same thing". We never were.

Babushka and I are working toward the same vision: A life together; a life with one another; a life of sharing, laughing and loving; a life of challenge, disappointment and misunderstanding; a life of forgiveness and a life of serenity.

It is work- but it is work that is well worth the effort.

We are working toward the same thing......toward each other!

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
Kahuna is damn proud to be celebrating 2 years of sobriety

TMI #150

2008-09-02T10:29:00.001-04:00

1). When was the last time someone hit on you? What went down?
KAHUNA – That would be yesterday when I was helping Babushka and her family shovel and wheelbarrow a big ol’ pile of dirt from the driveway to the back yard. She whispered in my ear “Please come back tonight, I need to f*ck you”

2). If you were single and could be with any one person, who would it be (thinking singer/actor or someone famous here, but whatever)?
KAHUNA – Either Jennifer Love-Hewitt or Jewel De’ Nyle

3). Have you ever had done anything sexual in your office or your place of employment?
KAHUNA – No but this is too funny, as Babushka was describing to me her fantasy of me taking her in the *ss from behind bent over my desk in my office

4). Do you apologize when you make a mistake? How do you react when someone calls you out?
KAHUNA – This is an area where recovery has truly made a big difference in my life. I am very comfortable now making amends immediately after an action I do not feel reflects positively on whom I am as a person. I do need to work on being to quick to say “sorry” to Babushka for things that do not warrant an apology.

5). Top or bottom?
KAHUNA – I enjoy both, depending on the mood of the evening. Last night I was a Top who was very much enjoying Babushka’s bottom

Bonus (as in optional): Bonus: How old were you when you first had a willing sexual experience?
KAHUNA – My first experience of touching a naked female was taking a bubble bath with my first girlfriend when we were 15 or 16. Pretty innocent but I do recall thinking how nice she felt

Life's Not Easier Just Cause Your Sober

2008-09-01T19:07:00.003-04:00

The weeks have just gotten lost in my seeming perpetual battle with the divorce, although it is now official - I now have an "Ex-Wife"!

As nice as it is to say that, this fact ushers in a new era for all of us - A new era that will take some time to adjust to. My kids, Dude and Pumpkin, have further to go than BuddyLuv. Both will have periods where they are less receptive to the 'inclusion' of Babushka and BuddyLuv than other periods.

This weekend was one of those where Dude was not very receptive. This obviously bothered Babushka. I in turn am torn between being protective of both of them. It leaves me conflicted. From what I have read and from friends I have spoken to this is a natural occurrence that is to be expected. This does not make me feel any better, knowing how much it hurts my dear Babushka.

Between my preoccupations with exes and kids, I feel like I have been less than 100% available to Babushka as she has dealt with a number of medical events that have impacted her family. Although this is not something to beat myself up emotionally about, I do not enjoy the thought of not always being her night in shining armor.

It feels like Babushka and I are starting to encounter the inevitable 'growing pains' of our relationship. It also feels (at least to me) that we are doing as good of a job as we can of navigating these complex waters.

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
I love my life, my Babushka and myself.......life is good (if not easy)

Things just aren't that bad

2008-08-29T09:16:00.003-04:00

Last night, Kahuna and I finally got to spend some time together. This, that and the other thing have kept us apart far too much this week. I feel like I keep jinxing us by thinking or saying that things cannot get worse and are going to get better.

Sunday we found out my niece, Peanut (11), lost a friend to meningitis. There was now panic that it was the "bad one" and my sister's family may have to be treated because the kids had just played together recently, plus my mom and BuddyLuv were at my sisters house on Saturday. Which, by extension, means we ALL may need to be treated. It was not the "bad one" and if the hospital would have taken her seriously the first time she was brought in, she would not have passed. Instead, they had to take her in a second time at which point she was air-vacced to another hospital where she passed.

Monday I had to take BuddyLuv to the Dr because he has pneumonia and is not getting any better. His cough was so bad, they thought he had whooping cough. He does not.

Monday I was told by a man at work that I cause him to feel a little something something and that I shouldn't dress as nice as I do because I don't want to get raped. Yep, thats what he said. . . Just a week ago, I had mentioned to co workers when we were out for dinner that he made me uncomfortable. Come to find out, he has made others uncomfortable. He just never crossed that line with them.

Kahuna was here for me, exactly how I needed him to be.

Tuesday I had to deal with the aftermath of Monday's incident. I faced him with supervisor/director present and told him what line he had crossed and how his "compliment" affected me.

Tuesday my niece, Princess, was tested for cancer. Though they do not know what the growth is on her bone, it is not cancer.

Tuesday BuddyLuv, Kahuna and I had to go to orientation. It is funny how they "ask" for a donation to cover things like the planners that are handed out and such. Then the teacher remarks that she will be following up with parents who forget to send in the donation. Huh? Then again, this is the same teacher who advised the kids to put their locker combination inside their lockers in case they forget the combination. BuddyLuv has the same dang English teacher he had last year. The same teacher we STRUGGLED with all year long. The same teacher I had to contact the principal about!

Kahuna and I just disconnected. It was terrible and it was icky. I was sure something was "different" with or bothering Kahuna. I could feel it in my gut. I was wrong, at that moment. I guess you could say it was more a feeling of what was to come.

Wednesday Kahuna was already irritated because of having to fight with PB about September bills. Then we exchanged emails not of our character, showing our disconnect. He had to meet PB at the cable company to have his name taken off it. That night, we were the most disconnected we have ever been. It hurt.

Thursday Kahuna and I do not start the day off if a good place, make things worse by being too direct, deal with PB and more crap that she has pulled. . .

Then, Thursday night, Kahuna goes to work out, goes to an AA meeting and comes over. The instant he walks in the door, things are better. . . for both of us. . . I hold him, he holds me. I kiss him, he kisses me. BuddyLuv shouts out that he can hear us kissing. We talked about things a little bit.

I wish I could remember the exact verbiage we used. But, basically, we agreed that:

Things are just not right when we are not together.
And, things just aren't that bad when we are.

This morning, I feel like I have my Kahuna back. And, I hope he feels like he has his Babushka back.

Get Busy Livin or Get Busy Dyin. . .
This is it, this is life, and we are living!

The power of truth and honesty

2008-08-23T21:20:00.003-04:00

It has been a beautiful week again.

It has been a week filled with the continued saga that is Kahuna's seemingly never ending divorce. She found a way to stop her PB foot to try and extort more $$ by demanding more that is in no way connected to the divorce precedings and threatening to NOT sign the already agreed upon documents unless she get it.

It has been a week filled will challenges and memories surrounding out sobriety in the form of haunting dreams and my momentary guilt that I was not there to hold him through the dreams. That guilt soon turned into pride. He was ok. Kahuna had a rough night, but knew I was there even if I was not.

It has been a week filled with health concerns in the form of BuddyLuv being 4 hours away and having pnemonia. My princess niece (9) (not to be confused with PB) broke her leg which has lead to the finding of a "growth" on her bone that must be tested this coming week.

It has been filled with sex! Wonderful, body rocking sex! Toys! Intimace! Fucking! Love making!

It has been filled with beautiful, special, quiet, intimate moments. Moments when we danced to no music at all in the kitchen. Moments where we had difficult scary, raw, emotional discussions, exposing dreams and fears, being vulnerable and growing even closer than we have ever been. Moments that made me remember that we are not "waiting" for us to begin. We are here and now.

Get busy livin or get busy dyin?
We are living the life we are given, not waiting for the life that may or may not ever be!

TMI #148

2008-08-19T09:54:00.000-04:00

Are you truly politically correct? Be honest.

Kahuna – In my professional life I would say that I probably play the political game most of the time. In my personal life am politically incorrect at all costs and dislike intently the nonsense of ‘not offending anyone” and that everything is discriminatory toward everyone. People need to lighten up (or shut up).

Specifically around the election season I get my greatest sense of enjoyment on arguing the opposite opinion of anyone who is (in this case) a big advocate of either Obama or McCain. They are both politicians which by necessity to survive in that line of work makes them ethically challenged, morally deficient and conveniently ignorant. Babushka and I quibble about this, specifically her hatred of one Mr. G. W. Bush (I on the other hand love Bush, even when it is shaved clean!!). I have just never understood the personal hatred so many people seem to have toward him – he is a verbally challenged politician which for me provides great laughter at his inability to coherently put a sentence together but he is no more evil or dishonest than any other Democrat or Republican in this country.

PLEASE REMEMBER –NONE OF THESE PEOPLE GIVES ONE CRAP ABOUT YOU OR YOUR PLIGHT OR YOUR FAMILY OR YOUR SUTUATION……..SO WHY ARE YOU SO WORRIED ABOUT SUPPORTING ONE AND HATING THE OTHER? – THEY ARE ALL THE SAME PERSON. TO USE A SPORTS ANALOGY = ONE SIDE OF THE AISLE ARE THE VIKINGS AND THE OTHER SIDE OF THE AISLE ARE THE PACKERS (YANKEES / RED SOX FOR YOU EAST COASTERS). MOST PEOPLE SIMPLY IGNORE THE REALITY OF POLITICS AND BLINDLY CHEER FOR THEIR FAVORITE DONKEY OR ELEPHANT UNIFORM NO MATTER WHO IS WEARING IT

Will you ever streak in public during rush hour?

Kahuna – I cannot imagine doing this, as I would prefer to save the public at large the horror.

Would you ever do something sexual in public (more than 20 people around)?

Kahuna – I could see Babushka and I doing something fun and naughty in public, as long as there were no chance of being arrested.

Do you ever not have good table manners?

Kahuna – Sure, when I am around family I am more than willing to burp or fart at the table.

Do you ever fantasize about a public sexual act? Describe.

Kahuna – I will admit that I do not really fantasize about ‘sexual acts’ per se since I have been with Babushka (as opposed to the constant fantasizing that occurred during my marriage). I think that has much to do with the fact that Babushka and I actually have a sex life (unlike my marriage). We are pretty much open about fantasies so if I did want to ‘have at it in the middle of the mall’ I would just tell her rather than dream about it.

Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever gone through a true sexual fantasy? Describe.

Kahuna – Although this is not really risqué, I admit a fantasy of mine 3 years ago was a daydream involving a hot fuck session with Babushka culminating with her cumming on my face........MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!

It is Over.....

2008-08-08T19:43:00.003-04:00

....but I do not feel much like celebrating today. It is a strange place to be today, not the feeling I thought I would have when this started 20 months ago.

Yesterday I was accepting of the end result with the judge.............Today I am less accepting and again feeling that I have been made the fool

Yesterday I was anticipating an ability to finally adopt a better lifestyle...........Today I realize my lifestyle will continue to be in a basement with a 10-year old dented car for a much longer time

Yesterday I was dreaming of the endless possibilities for Babushka and I..................Today there is seemingly a reality that both Babushka and I are seeing which is perhaps not endless after all

Funny how often this sort of thing happens...........you wait an eternity for something and once it finally arrives it is not what you expected.

Life is like that

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
A shout out to the person responsible for the quote above - apparently he was too busy living rather than driving. I wish him a speedy recovery.

Its over

2008-08-08T08:47:00.001-04:00

The divorce is over.

Weekend that Was

2008-08-03T21:48:00.003-04:00

It was indeed a lovely weekend spent with my favorite people: Babushka, Pumpkin (aka Peaches), BuddyLuv and Dude.

All five of us went to the horse racing track on Friday night and had a wonderful time. Neither Babushka or I are gamblers but it is a blast watching the kids get so excited when the have $2 riding on their favorite horse.

Saturday afternoon four of us went to play miniature golf(Dude is 15 and much too busy with friends to spend two days with us). Once again it was a blast - the park we went to is beautiful, with ponds and wildlife. We then came home, made dessert and played games together. This morning we had a lovely breakfast and after Babushka and BuddyLuv went home Pumpkin and I had a very special heart-to-heart talk.

The weekend was a wonderful illustration of what life should be like more often for all of us - memorable times spent with the ones we love.

Together Again

2008-07-30T21:36:00.002-04:00

TMI - 7/29/08

1) What is your language pet peeve. (example 'hot water heater', why would you heat hot water)
KAHUNA – I strongly dislike when people speak of themselves in the third person.
BABUSHKA - Phrases like, "I am just saying" or "And, so, what happened is" that are used in every other sentence. Drives me crazy!

2) What is your favorite word? Both dirty and clean?
KAHUNA – As this is a tribute to George Carlin, the word ‘ballsniffer’ comes to mind from one of his routines. Depending on context it could be both dirty and clean.
BABUSHKA - Clean = Adore or Missy Dirty = Dirty, or little, or slut, or dirty little slut

3) What is the one word you cannot spell?
KAHUNA – Receive (spellcheck always correct it for me but I always spell it ‘recie….)
BABUSHKA - Just. I always spell it jsut.

4) What is the one word you always pronounce wrong?
KAHUNA – Cub (Inside joke for my lovely Babushka)
BABUSHKA - I cannot think of one that always do wrong. Not that I speak properly. Just no one points out what I say thats wrong.

5) If you could erase one popular catchphrase from the english language, what would it be?
KAHUNA – “Cold enough for you?” – Yes it is so shut up
BABUSHKA -

Bonus (as in optional): The late, and very hot Michael Hutchence (INXS) once sang, "Words are weapons, sharper than knives" . What is the most hurtful thing you have ever said to anyone? Was it deliberate or accidental? What was the most hurtful thing ever said to you? Do you think it was deliberate or accidental?
KAHUNA – Most hurtful thing I have said to someone - “I am leaving” – Yes it was deliberate. Most hurtful thing said to me – “Wine” Context: Ex and I were in marriage counseling and therapist asked the ex a hypothetical question of “If you had to choose between Kahuna or your wine which would you choose?” Funny thing is that I was the alcoholic (not her) and having alcohol always around was not helpful to trying to stay sober.
BABUSHKA - The most hurtful thing I think I have ever said to anyone was probably I hate you to my mother. Though she is judgmental, she never gave up on me. The most hurtful thing I have ever had said to me was probably by my mother who recently told me that my age (19) was no excuse for my not being a good mother from the start. Because, I was "not that young". It was deliberate.

TMI - 7/29/08

2008-07-29T06:46:00.000-04:00

What is your language pet peeve. (example 'hot water heater', why would you heat hot water)
KAHUNA – I strongly dislike when people speak of themselves in the third person.

What is your favorite word? Both dirty and clean?
KAHUNA – As this is a tribute to George Carlin, the word ‘ballsniffer’ comes to mind from one of his routines. Depending on context it could be both dirty and clean.

What is the one word you cannot spell?
KAHUNA – Receive (spellcheck always correct it for me but I always spell it ‘recie….)

What is the one word you always pronounce wrong?
KAHUNA – Cub (Inside joke for my lovely Babushka)

If you could erase one popular catchphrase from the english language, what would it be?
KAHUNA – “Cold enough for you?” – Yes it is so shut up

Bonus (as in optional): The late, and very hot Michael Hutchence (INXS) once sang, "Words are weapons, sharper than knives" . What is the most hurtful thing you have ever said to anyone? Was it deliberate or accidental? What was the most hurtful thing ever said to you? Do you think it was deliberate or accidental?
KAHUNA – Most hurtful thing I have said to someone - “I am leaving” – Yes it was deliberate.

Most hurtful thing said to me – “Wine” Context: Ex and I were in marriage counseling and therapist asked the ex a hypothetical question of “If you had to choose between Kahuna or your wine which would you choose?” Funny thing is that I was the alcoholic (not her) and having alcohol always around was not helpful to trying to stay sober.

Cute Test

2008-07-27T09:04:00.002-04:00

So, I took a test just for fun. It was one of those silly tests asking "Are you. . ." It was naughty or nice. Here is what I scored:

You're Pretty Tame

Most people think you're as good as gold. We know better. Sure, you're generally a by-the-book, law-abiding model citizen, but every once in a while you like to break a rule or three. Skinny dipping? Done it. Had a drink too many now and then? Guilty as charged. But chances are that's pretty much the worst of it. We all have a few skeletons in our closet, but when it comes right down to it, you're a nice person. You wouldn't dream of making a serious play for your best friend's squeeze, and you always pay your traffic fines — speeding and parking tickets. It's a good balance. If everyone was like you, the world would be a happier place, so keep it up!

Too funny!

Stuff

2008-07-26T10:16:00.003-04:00

I am glad to report there is very little to write about today. Thought, I will probably end up writing a long time about nothing.

We had a garage sale this week. Lucky me. We have it at my home, because it is closest to the cities. All the crap decended on my house over a month ago, but rain canceled the original dates.

I am pretty sure that I made more than I actually received. But, my sister seems to think it is ok to borrow whatever she feels justified in taking without my approval. It is garage sale stuff. It is not worth arguing about.

Kind of like my bag of change. At my niece's softball tournement, I had my bag of change from my tips. I keep it in the car. It was pretty close to full. I had it out so I could buy each of my 4 nieces a treat, had to chance the foster baby's diaper and forgot I put the bag in the diaper bag when doing so. We are only talking like $30 worth of change. But, when I called my sister and asked her about it, she said that the girls must have found and took it. Nice.

I love my sister because she is my sister. I tolerate my sister because she will take away my nieces if I do not. But, I do not trust her any farther than I can throw her (and she is heavier than I am, so that is not very far). At least all the crap is gine. We donated everything that did not sell.

Oh, I am down to 175! There, I said it. Yes, I am thick. But, 175 sounds fat. Looking at the pics out there, I don't look like what I believe 175 looks like. I would like to be 160. That means only 15 more lbs to go. I like my curves. I just want to be a healthier curvy lady.

Talk about weight, my mom is very unhealthy overweight. She was diagnosed as borderline diabetic and has totally changed her life around. She is almost total vegetarian and has lost 18lbs in 6 weeks. She is looking so much better and healthier. I am so happy for her.

Kahuna is doing so good. I am so proud of him! He has been walking through these last couple of days better than I could have prayed for. It is totally understandable if he had rough days. But, thankfully, he has a good network of people supporting him.

PB has continued to attempt to dig her nails into Kahuna. I will try to explain this without totally confusing things: Wednesday Kahuna got a call from his atty. PB's atty called Kahuna's atty. PB really wants to keep the house. She is willing to make the payments on it. In return for her making payments on a home that is over mortgaged, it is only fair, they reason, that she get 100% of his 401K, which is no small amount of money. I am so proud of Kahuna for not allowing his desire to "get this over with" overpower his sense of logic.

1) She would not qualify for the house on her own, so it would stay in his name.
2) She is making $10/hr. $10x40hrsx4wks = 1600/month before taxes. The mortgage is not quite twice that.
3) 1 + 2 = his still paying the mortgage in the end to save his credit.

12 days left!

Well, my home looks as if a tornado went through it. When my sister and her 4+ kids come, everything falls to pieces. So, I had better go clean. Hope all is well for all.

~Babushka

Sans TMI Tuesday....

2008-07-22T12:52:00.004-04:00

....as in I am not feeling the vibe to participate today, even though the topic is near and dear to my heart (flatulence).

I find myself in a strange place right now with the divorce trial just over 2 weeks from now. I find my mood and outlook changing by the minute. Upbeat one moment and depressed the next. It is a very wearing time and not all that serene. I am in pain, knowing that either way the trial ends will be hurtful to Dude and Peaches.

It is a perfect playground for my addictive behaviors to make themselves known. They come up without me realizing what is happening. That was the case last week when I masturbated to porn one night - something I said I would hold off from until after the trial. Most days this is not a big issue, as Babushka and I enjoy this activity together and share with one another. But right now it is a dangerous place for me to go.

But where does the line end? Today I ended up reading a business story in the NY Times about the founder of Kink.com. Although it was a business focus story, was I there prepping for my upcoming MBA classes? Nope I was not, although I do admit the financial and operational evolution of these online sites over the last decade was a very interesting read.

The sexual nature initially peaked my interest, not the business nature of the column. In either instance, not the best article to read at the office. Again, what this tells me is that I am in a vulnerable place right now - one that means I need to stay connected and be transparent.

So I pull out my daily meditation for men, find the page for July 22nd and this is the first sentence: "Pain is a part of Life."

The entire text is a bit long (plus I am too lazy to type it all)but the reflection at the bottom of the page says it all: "My pain will teach me something I need to know and it will have an end. I will pay attention to its' lessons."

So that is what I shall do - pay attention. Pay attention to my feelings and to my state of mind. Pay attention to my risks and my successes. Pay attention to all of the people in my life that I am truly grateful for.

And take it all as it comes - a day at a time

How we are doing

2008-07-19T08:20:00.003-04:00

Well, it has been a while since we have written about us again. It is funny how helpful it is, but it seems to be the last thing we do.

DIVORCE
As of today, there are 19 days left until Kahuna's divorce trial. There is nothing new going on with regards to this. Yet, there seems to be so much going on with regards to this:

**It is hard to write(and makes me sick to my stomach), but the honest truth I have to be reminded of. . . It may not be over. There is always the chance that the judge will say they have too much on their plate and cannot devote the necessary attention to this divorce and hold things off again. The superstitious part of me didn't want to write or say that because I don't want to make it come true. But, it is the truth. At least, this time, it will not be PB's stomping of her foot, pouting or general unwillingness to participate that holds things back. We have so many people praying for us, who have been there from the beginning. I have not had the heart to tell them that this is a possibility. Probably because I feel deep in my heart that we have been through enough. Our God, our Higher Power, would not put us through more of this. It is our turn as peace without this fear hanging over our heads.

**We had storms last week. Kahuna's old house was damaged. The next day, PB was cut a check, there on the spot, made out to PB and the mortgage company ONLY! Come to find out, PB had gotten a new insurance policy IN HER NAME ONLY. Funny how she can do that with the mortgage being in Kahuna's name, only. The insurance company doesn't get involved with matters like this. The mortgage company doesn't care whos name the insurance is in, as long as there is sufficient insurance. Good timing, though, to show how financially incompetent she is and what a travesty it would be to make Kahuna fully responsible for the financial troubles THEY were in. Who accepts a check out right before you even get bids or estimates?

**Kahuna's old neighbors and used-to-be friends were at his old house one day visiting with PB. Kahuna had reached out to the man at one point, hoping to maintain some sort of friendship with no response received. It was uncomfortable and painful for my Kahuna. This is a friendship he had not allowed himself to mourn.

**Kahuna has his good days and his bad days. Sometimes we are fearful of what could happen. If he gets some vindictive, man hating, divorced judge who's ex was an alcoholic or sex addict, she may take her rage out on him. Than again, as I write this, I realize we have never mentioned the possibility that Karma will give Kahuna a judge who was once "taken to the cleaners" by an ex wife like PB. Prayer and acceptance, that is all we can do.

WORK
I did not get the job at the other county. But, that's ok. It would have been a huge jump in responsibilities and I totally understand their needing someone who required less initial training. I have not given up. I will keep my eyes open and something else may come along. I ran into a few frustrating times this week. Again, a conversation about something I was really excited to do (because they want to better utilize my speaking skills and my ability to be comfortable in front of crowds) turned into someones responsibility. I have my review next week. I will bring it up then. They have not even told me, yet, that I don't get to be the one to do the thing I was excited about. With as many times as promises have been broken in the year I have been there, I am starting to fear that the promotion promised to me at my 6 mo review to be given at my year will be just another carrot dangled but never reached.

Kahuna's job has finally quited down just a bit. The current large conversions of portfolios are complete. Now he just deals with people's general unwillingness to admit they need to follow the rules and procedures, just like everyone else.

HOME
On the positive side, BuddyLuv is home! I am so happy to have him home again! He will probably only be here for a week. It is best for him to go back with my parent's to the far north because there is a tutor up there working with him and he is making leaps and bounds! He is so beautiful!

Peaches likes me! Last weekend I got to spend some time with her and Kahuna. We ate dinner, watched TV, talked, played Clue and she was even excited to try the desert I made. This is a big deal because she is not one to try something new. And, part of the desert is something she normally does not really go for. There is a special family desert in my family. It is simple, but has a deep meaning behind it I will not get into now. We made mostly baked chocolate chip bars, still gooey, put them on a plate while still warm, put icecream and chocolate sauce on top of them. Peaches decorated the chocolate on my plate as if I were eating as a fancy restaurant.

Dude chose not to spend time with us. Rather, he spent the evening downstairs, away from me. I know, I am not supposed to take it personally. He is a teenager. Almost 15. He is testing to see what he can get away with. when Kahuna picked him up in my car, I was at Kahuna's with Peaches, Dude advised Kahuna that Kahuna should have "checked with" him before making plans for me to be over. This led to him texting Kahuna when he wanted something from upstairs. The whole Dude thing led to a difficult discussion between Kahuna and I. We talked it out. It also led to a discussion between Dude and Kahuna. Dude asked not to be surprised by my appearances. Kahuna asked that Dude share his concerns, but also understand that he does not have a say in changing Kahuna's plans. If they communicate, it will work out fine.

SCHOOL
I am proud to announce that Kahuna has signed up for the necessary classes for him to obtain his doctorate. If all goes as planned, this will allow Kahuna the opportunity to teach his trade in two years. He also thinks this will allow for me to go to school while removing the financial argument against returning to school. If he is teaching, I go for free! I am looking forward to that day!

BYE
Well, I have been writing for some time now. I need to go and spend time with BuddyLuv before I head off to work. Kahuna, for all the ups and downs we have, there is no one I would rather go through these things with. There is no one I would be more proud to have at my side. There is no one that I have more faith in than you. I adore you and miss you and cannot wait till tomorrow when you, BuddyLuv and I can spend time together!

TMI

2008-07-15T20:02:00.002-04:00

1. What were you known as in HS (Jock, Princess, Geek)
BABUSHKA - I was the invisible dork that tried so hard to fit in, but no one really saw.

2. What were you really?
BABUSHKA - Thats what I was.

3. If you could go back and tell your 16 year old self one thing, what would it be?
BABUSHKA - Nothing. I wouldn't want to change a thing. If I did tell myself something, it would alter the future, even if I did not mean it to.

4. If you could erase one moment from your school days what would it be?
BABUSHKA - If I could erase one moment from my school days that WOULD NOT alter my future, I would erase the moment I was told how these two boys were going to rape me.

5. Who did you not date (or more) that you wish you did?
BABUSHKA - Again, if it WOULD NOT alter my future, I wished I would have dated my one true crush I had from 7-12th grade!

Bonus (as in optional): If you went to prom, describe your outfit.
BABUSHKA - Nope, didn't go. . .

Forgiveness

2008-07-14T23:00:00.010-04:00

"Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves."

I had a very interesting discussion with my Babushka tonight. She bravely disclosed to me something that occurred a few weeks back that she was ashamed of - something she was reluctant to tell me. Even though she was concerned of how I would react she told told me anyway, having faith in us.

It reminded me of all the times in my previous relationship where I was never forgiven for my mistakes. I still remember vividly that feeling inside - never being able to disclose an error in judgment, knowing it would just be added to the list of past transgressions - stored away until some future date when it would be needed to remind me just how 'less then' and 'unworthy' I truly was. Forgiveness was a concept; a theory - nothing tangible to actually be experienced.

I left that way of life two years ago next month - I have no interest in keeping a ledger of choices we later look back on think "uugh, why did I do that!" Because as humans that is what we do sometimes. That is why God asks us to forgive as he has forgiven us. I see these two quotes and it reminds me that for many on this earth the "concept" of forgiveness is so much easier for them than the act of actually forgiving someone.

"The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves."

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

I could not agree more. I love my Babushka as I love myself

TMI

2008-07-08T07:58:00.003-04:00

1. LUST: Besides your current Significant Other who do you lust for or have you lusted for?
BABUSHKA - Wow, these are good questions! Who do I lust for? Hmmmm. . . I have convinced myself that I lusted for every partner I have had in the past
KAHUNA – As a guy, I suppose I have lusted for nearly every woman I have found attractive, at least at a basic level of thought.

2. GLUTTONY: What food brings out your inner glutton?
BABUSHKA - Ice cream (choc w/ pb w/ pb cups w/choc sauce), Pannycakes/Waffles, Pizza with rich, thick sauce
KAHUNA – Ice Cream, Pistachios, Swedish Fish.

3. GREED: What are you greedy for?
BABUSHKA - Peace of mind. Shoes. Purses. Jewelry sets to switch up daily!
KAHUNA – Serenity, Peace and Material Possessions.

4. SLOTH: What is your plan for an ideal day of sloth?
BABUSHKA - Pre-prepaired foods ready to go, headed to the falls just to sit, talk, rest and relax. Oh, or never getting dressed, watching movies all day long!
KAHUNA – Laying around Nekkid with Babushka.

5. WRATH: Describe a time that you let out a can of whoop ass on someone.
BABUSHKA - Funny! Uhm, The first thing that comes to mind was when I intervened and spoke to the man my sister had an affair with. I never raised my voice. Because the three of us worked together, I took him into a conference room and told him I knew what had happened, as did everyone else we worked with. He would not hurt my family or my nieces (3 under 5). He would not talk to my sister about non-work items again until she decided if she was going to stay married. He would not call her, or email her, or anything. Yes, I know, looking back, this was not my place. But, I did what I thought I had to in order to protect my nieces.
KAHUNA – I cannot say that I can describe a time like this. My most angry moments have revolved around my (almost) Ex-Wife. Although these have been loud and can include much profanity, I do not view these with a sense of pride that “letting out a can of whoop ass” would suggest.

6. ENVY: Who or what do you envy? Why?
BABUSHKA - I envy people who make enough money to not worry about if they will make it this day, week or month. I cannot afford to replace the terrible windows in my home. Yet, if I don't, it sounds like I will not be able to afford to keep the house heated this winter.
KAHUNA – I would initially agree with Babushka but it has been my experience in observing others over time that there is no such thing as “making enough money not to worry”. In general it seems that people spend just above their means no matter how much that is, and therefore have financial worries whether they make $2,000 a month or $20,000 a month.

7. PRIDE: Have you ever had to swallow your pride? What are you proud of?
BABUSHKA - Yes, Kahuna has been very helpful. At first it was incomprehensible that he would WANT to help me. For no reason other than to be helpful. I am proud of my Kahuna. I am proud of me. I am proud of what I have accomplished. I am proud of my child, and Kahuna's children. I am proud to be with him. I am proud of myself professionally and personally.
KAHUNA – See Babushka’s answer.

Door

2008-07-06T12:45:00.002-04:00

Door you, Kahuna. Thank you for the most wonderful 4 days! You are an amazing treasure!