Please! Someone tell me this is not how 2008 is going to be!?!

Polly Anna is gone. She is long gone!

Today, I am supposed to be at work. Today, I am supposed to be making another presentation on a great idea I had. Instead, I am home without a voice. Luckily, there is no fever. But, there is a virus inside me. What I would not give for it to be Kahuna instead. :-(

This is not the only reason why I believe 2008 is going to be a trying year. On top of being sick, I am scared, frustrated and upset.

Kahuna has now stayed over 2, maybe 3 night. BuddyLuv LOVES it, saying that he sleeps much better with another person in the house! He is even so wonderful as to insist on sleeping on the couch so as to not confuse BuddyLuv! (Of course, late at night, when I will not release his cock from my hands or mouth, we end up spending some time in my room, way after BuddyLuv is asleep) This is a positive move forward. But, it was also last year.

On Sunday, Kahuna and I talked about New Years Eve. We had just discussed seeing Juno, then picking up BuddyLuv and spending the evening here at our house. Kahuna is cooking dinner and I am relaxing because I am starting to admit that I am sick, thought it has been actually a few weeks since I started sucking on cough drops. Kahuna gets a call. No biggie. I am happy that he is comfortable talking to whomever even with me around.

Without going into the long, unimportant details, Kahuna semi-commits to an alternate NYE plan. I did not find this out under ideal circumstances. However, Kahuna and I talk through our feelings and even come up with an alternate plan that seems perfect for everyone involved: Bowling! Kahuna, Dude, BuddyLuv and I go bowling! Low interaction potential, distractions if necessary. I am already "for sure" going to meet Dude in 20 days at Kahuna's graduation. This way, he has met me before he has to sit alone with me! Whats the worst that can happen? We came up with the worst case scenario and. . . It wasn't too bad. . . Perfect Polly Anna plan!

Polly Anna is gone. She is long gone!

NYE comes about. There was a small miscommunication carried over from the evening before. Totally understandable. But, relevant to my feelings today. We talked through the miscommunication. Still wanting to move on from the issues, we continue down the path of the bowling idea.

Kahuna talks to Dude (playing with a friend), who pokes for information. Because Kahuna wanted to discuss in person, all he would give him is that the plan included bowling. Because Dude would much rather play with a friend than spend NYE with his father, now it is looking like there is a chance of 3 of us bowling. . .

Than I get a call that made me loose a heart beat and my blood pressure skyrocket.

Dude isn't coming. Kahuna isn't coming. Kahuna fears he has totally misread Dude for a long time. And, we just made a big mistake in trying to arrange a meeting.

Dude, in person, insisted Kahuna tell him the plan for the evening in front of Dude'sFriend and FriendMother while Dude'sFriend, FriendMother and Dude are out eating. Dude says no, he is not comfortable with it and doesn't want to go (and probably mentions does not want to meet me).

Dude proceeds to invite Dude'sFiend and FriendMother to bowling. (NOTE: FriendMother is also friend if Dude'sMother) Kahuna says no.

Because they had just ordered food for Dude (and Kahuna had to go), that he would be back when they are done eating and then they would discuss this further.

Kahuna calls to confirm they are still there. Nope, they are on their way to the bowling alley. WHAT? Kahuna explains that the bowling alley is booked solid, and that the place they were going bowling at was somewhere else. Dude says then they will go to a different alley. Kahuna says no.

Kahuna ends up at (single) FriendMother's house with Dude, Dude'sFriend and FriendMother being totally ignored the whole evening. Friend was supposed to leave for FriendFather's place at 8. Nope, wanted to stay till later so Dude and Kahuna could stay.

Now, I have mentioned it before to Kahuna. Although FriendMother has somewhat of a boyfriend, I wonder if there was an ulterior motive in the boys' minds. Friends, single parents, NYE. I love my Kahuna and I know he loves me. I also know I have nothing to worry about between us. But, BuddyLuv one had dreams of my dating a single father of a friend of his. . . It is possible. . .

Anyways, so BuddyLuv and I bowled for 3 hours. We had a good time. Though, there were moments I could have easily cried, knowing this was all a bad omen. And, knowing that Kahuna was not having a good night. And, knowing that Kahuna was missing me as much as I was missing him.

BuddyLuv never knew how sad I was. We got home and layed on the couch watching episodes of The Unit, his favorite show. At 12, he kissed me on the cheek and told me this was the best New Year Eve ever.

Yesterday, the first, I got worse. Kahuna and Dude were watching football. BuddyLuv and I watched more movies. I drifted in and out of sleep till I finally gave in and let Kahuna take me to the Dr. Kahuna has to drop Dude off to take me. Strike 2 against me, I am sure. And, we haven't even met, yet.

At the Dr, I am given two prescriptions. I go to fill them and the girl behind the counter comes out to say she is sorry, but the insurance card I gave her is expired. She shrugs her shoulders and says sorry, there is nothing more she can do. We can pay full price and they deal with the insurance later. I, with little voice, show her old cards new cards. She just says sorry. OH SO FREAKING HELPFUL! CUTSIE LITTLE WITCH! She doesn't think to make a call to confirm insurance is closed, just says it is a holiday, they are closed.

The man behind the counter says I need to start taking the meds. He and Kahuna start coming up with options. Finally, they call the insurance. Low and behold, they are open! They confirm my insurance is fine. They just do not load 2008 benefits into their systems until 7-10 business days AFTER the start of the year. Nice, so if I had something worse, and had to take more and more expensive meds, I could have been out 100s of dollars waiting for them to get their act together.

I finally get my meds, plus two coupons from the nice man behind the counter for my next two pharmacy needs and we are off. Once home, I am already starting to feel better within an hour of taking the meds first dose. Kahuna tucks me in, taking care of me and getting some soup ready for me. I ask if things are ok. He knows what I mean. He said they are what they are, and it will all work out in the end. That we can talk about it when I am better. This is hard for me to hear because I am a worry wart, but I am in no shape, or voice, to argue. Kahuna says he loves me and adore me, and that will never change.

BuddyLuv wants chocolate ice cream, so Kahuna goes to the store to get that and Nyquil for me.

I called in sick today. Actually, I emailed in. I am a few days under my 6 month mark and I had to call in.

I have not been able to get to the gym because of my cold.

In two weeks, Kahuna has a pretrial for the divorce. At the beginning, we were told most all divorces are done then. Now, because of how lovely the ex is, we are told that it probably will NOT settle then.

I do not know where I stand with Dude.

We have not even began to deal with Pumpkin (f.k.a. Peaches, wrong "P" word).

Someone, please tell me this is not how 2008 is going to be!?!

Not sure what the title should be

Hello, all!

I hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday season, however you celebrate. My Christmas was the best Christmas I have ever had in my entire life! No exaggeration!

But, today is not a holiday and so today I will deal with life. There is a topic that I want to write about. Yet, I don't know the angle from which to cover this topic. I don't even know what I want to say about this topic. Maybe because I have this nagging feeling that I have to work something out within and it is too complex to do so without doing a free writing session to realize how I feel! Anyone totally confused, yet?

As most of you know, Kahuna is still going through his divorce. It is surprising what little a deal this is. . . I know he is trying, I know they are proceeding, slowly but surely. . . I could write forever about being the girlfriend of a divorcing man. But, I acknowledge all of that, and accept that we are who we are and what we are and am right with my God about that.

The divorce is not the issue at hand. The ex. . . I could go on about her and her stunts. But, that is not even the issue at hand. But, what about the kids.

I have BuddyLuv, a 12 year old I have been raising since day one as a single parent. He has Dude, a 14 year old boy and Pumpkin, a 10 year old girl.

Years back, I met Dude and Pumpkin. This was far before Kahuna and I had any incling that we would become this beautiful thing we are today. The three kids were brought in for the take your child to work day. I have seen this years school pictures of them. They are such beautiful children!

Dude's response to the separation of his parents was very supportive, almost to the point of sounding like, "Why did it take you so long". I remember walking with Kahuna one day over lunch and his telling me that Pumpkin saw a picture of a wedding dress in the window of an alterations shop. She commented that if he ever got married again, she would help the bride pick out the wedding dress and maybe the person he married could help her (Pumpkin) pick out her wedding dress. Because of their ages, and the relationship (or lack there of) they saw, they have never really held onto the hope that Kahuna and ex will ever gert back together again. That does not mean it is not hard on them. Pumpkin, especially. . . She just wants to be normal and feels that she and her family are not normal because the mom and dad do not live together. And, at 10, she is sure she is the only one who is like that.

A while back, Kahuna started to prepare them for the entrance of a lady friend by making and receiving short, happy, light phone calls. Dude has suspected for quite some time that there is someone else (though not as far back as we actually go). Dude used to joke that Kahuna should join a dating service. Dude was also mortified that a lady flirted with Kahuna at the grocery store.

Kahuna had a talk with Dude to confirm my existence in his life. Dude seemed to take it alright, but did not ask any questions about me, which had me a little concerned. But, he is 14. He needed time to take it all in. Kahuna did tell Dude that Pumpkin did not know about me, and was concerned that she was not ready. Dude understood.

I was relieved to hear about Dude teasing Kahuna about having a girlfriend. To me, it showed that he was warming up to the idea.

A few weeks back, BuddyLuv's school district was going to state for football. Kahuna was very pleased that BuddyLuv wanted to go see the game with Kahuna. He said he would take BuddyLuv. But, then Dude was going to be at Kahuna's, so we decided it would be best to wait till next year. We talked to BuddyLuv, who is aware of the basics of the situation, and was understanding beyond his years. Kahuna talked to Dude and said that he had made this commitment to BuddyLuv and asked him if he would want to go with so that Dude can meet BuddyLuv and Kahuna can stand by his commitment. Dude's response was that sure, he would be ok with doing that if it were ok with me! Turned out that Dude went to his cousins for something, Kahuna went with us to the game. But, I took Dude's response to the invitation as another positive sign.

Fast forward to Christmas. Christmas was beautiful and wonderful. But, it made me think about Dude and Pumpkin and how I wish I could share the joy of the season with them, as well. I think it is the mother instinct in me that knows they have not really seen a healthy relationship before. And, our Christmas was so full of healthy, fun happiness. . . I just wished they could have been a part of it.

BuddyLuv and I made Kahuna a fleece tie blanket. It was SUPER BIG! Kahuna really wanted one. But, turned out that Pumpkin made one too. As soon as I heard that, I was concerned that she would be upset that he got two of those. . . Turned out that she was a bit saddened by the fact that she was not the only one to give him one of these blankets. But, that quickly changed when they both asked where it came from. Followed by Kahuna's response, "A friend", followed by, "A speciallllllll fffrrriiieeennnddd??????", followed by, "yes, a special fffrrriiieeennnddd", followed by "oooooooohhhhhhhhh". Again, I take the oohs as a good sign that they are getting used to the idea that someone is there.

For Christmas, Santa brought BuddyLuv 3 snowboarding lessons. Kahuna said that maybe we could schedule BuddyLuv's lessons at the same time as Pumpkin's lessons, starting this Saturday (today). To make sure we are on the same page, I asked him about that later. This would mean that BuddyLuv and I would meet Dude and Pumpkin. Was he sure he was ready for that? We talked about it. Are there legal concerns? Can the ex use it against him in court if he were to introduce me to them before the divorce is final (even if it has been over a year)? Does she need to approve my meeting them before the divorce is finalized? Are the kids ready? There are so may questions and things to take onto consideration.

Now comes the hard part.
Why does it matter to me?
Is it simply because I am selfish and know that I may not have to give up seeing Kahuna every other weekend once we meet?
Or, is it because I know in my heart that I will someday be a part of their lives, and do not want to miss out on anything while waiting to meet them?
Why do I want so badly to meet them?
Why do I bring it up, or jump at the chance to meet them?
Why do I not let things be and happen when they happen?
I trust Kahuna with all of my heart!
So, why cannot I trust that he will introduce me to his children when he is ready?
Is there something I am not facing here?
Am I not asking the right questions to find peace with this?

Whatever the reason, I wrote this to think. I have not found any answers. So, it is not my time to understand. I give this to my God, my Higher Power, to worry about. I trust my Kahuna. I trust my God. Patience is not one of my greatest virtues. But, I will try to work on that.

My Turn

Are you done with your shopping yet?
Kahuna – Not yet but I am getting a little closer each day.
Babushka - Very close. . . But, not quite yet!

2. What is your favorite sexual position?
Kahuna – It really depends on the mood. Missionary for prolonged, tender lovemaking with much kissing and touching – Babushka bent over the couch if we are swept up in the desire to fuck right then.
Babushka - Any position in which I can see Kahuna (even if I am watching in the mirror!

3. On a scale of 1-10, how open are you to trying new sexual things?Kahuna – If 10 is the most open, then 10
Babushka - 10!

4. What present are you hoping to get this year?
Kahuna – I already have all I want
Babushka - Funny, that is my response, too! My mom email out asking for ideas. . . The only thing I could come up with was laundry soap and deodrant!

5. With your current partner (or your last partner) how often was the sex better than just good?
Kahuna – Not to be sappy or unrealistic but in over a year with Babushka sex has always been better than ‘just good’.
Babushka - Oh, my Kahuna!

Bonus (as in optional): Can a relationship that you are part of survive on sex alone? Could it survive a prolonged period of abstinence?
Kahuna – Funny – Babushka and I were just talking about this last weekend (while snuggling afterward). The reason sex is so great with Babushka is that there is more to it than just that – we respect, honor and care for one another as well as desire one another physically.
I hope I never have to find out if it could survive a long period of abstinence. My hope is that we will always be connected sexually in some manner, not necessarily intercourse.
Babushka - I could write books on how a relationship I am part of cannot survive on sex alone. . . And also how a relationship I am part of cannot survive with long periods of abstinance, either. I crave the human touch. I thrive on that connection. The more I connect, the more I learn about myself.

I adore you, my Kahuna! I miss your kisses tonight!

TMI 114

1. Are you done with your shopping yet?
Kahuna – Not yet but I am getting a little closer each day.

2. What is your favorite sexual position?
Kahuna – It really depends on the mood. Missionary for prolonged, tender lovemaking with much kissing and touching – Babushka bent over the couch if we are swept up in the desire to fuck right then.

3. On a scale of 1-10, how open are you to trying new sexual things?
Kahuna – If 10 is the most open, then 10

4. What present are you hoping to get this year?
Kahuna – I already have all I want

5. With your current partner (or your last partner) how often was the sex better than just good?
Kahuna – Not to be sappy or unrealistic but in over a year with Babushka sex has always been better than ‘just good’.

Bonus (as in optional): Can a relationship that you are part of survive on sex alone? Could it survive a prolonged period of abstinence?
Kahuna – Funny – Babushka and I were just talking about this last weekend (while snuggling afterward). The reason sex is so great with Babushka is that there is more to it than just that – we respect, honor and care for one another as well as desire one another physically.

I hope I never have to find out if it could survive a long period of abstinence. My hope is that we will always be connected sexually in some manner, not necessarily intercourse.

It's Been WAAAAAY Too Long

The last couple of months have been full of work, school, kids, divorce and of course Babushka. What has been lost is the old sense of blogging - more than TMI and HNT anyway. I have missed my time here.

As the new year approaches I am awed and amazed at what has transpired in the last year for me.

• A full year of fulfilling and joyous sobriety (I have been 'dry' a year before but never lived a truly sober life)
• The completion (as of Tuesday) of my 20-year quest for a College Degree (B.S. in Business)
• A long awaited but never believed would happen promotion (Director has a nice ring)
• And of course, a year of amazement with my Babushka

One triggering event for my reflection is the return to livin' of The Good Wife. One could say that she was responsible for taking my blog virginity. I have always kept her link on the blog, hoping that one day I would click the link and she would be back. I happened to check again late last week and there was in fact a new post - a month's worth!

I am glad she is back, still seducing Rick and hoping she overcomes her loss. The Good Wife made me realize that a passionate, loving long-term relationship was possible. Her words helped to support my internal resolve that there was more to life than what I had been experiencing up to then. All things happen for a reason. The Good Wife's presence in mine at a time of despair and confusion was not by chance.

Which of course leads me to my Babushka. I now have in my life what I had only read about and dreamed of late at night. I am blessed indeed!!!

Get Busy Livin or Get Busy Dyin'
I am living the good life

TMI #112

We have been gone from Blogland a month now. Too much damn work!!!!!

Here's to the start of getting back on a 'blog-roll'

1. If your partner buys you a sexy little "something" is it a present for you or for your partner?
BABUSHKA - C) Both of us! Whether it is on or in Kahuna or myself, we can both share in the fun and pleasure!
KAHUNA – I AGREE

2. What are 3 characteristics of "your type"?
BABUSHKA - Mean, thug, disrespectful. . . Everything Kahuna is not. Sometimes you do not get what you are looking for. Sometimes you are blessed enough to get even better!
KAHUNA – Humorous, Generous, Sexual(ous)…..Everything Babushka is. And I am working on my ‘Street Cred’ for thuggery and disrespect J

3. On a scale of 1-10, how good a cook are you?
BABUSHKA - Hahaha! Cook? Me? Kahuna teases me that I use a metal cake pan cover as a pan in the oven!
KAHUNA – Probably 9. I have cooked all my life and consider the kitchen my domain. I have a difficult time letting others cook if I am not.

4. Tattoos: Love them or hate them. On you? On a partner?
BABUSHKA - Love them to a point. I am not a huge fan of the all over kind. . . I have one (I am sure the picture is on here somewhere) . . Kahuna does not.
KAHUNA – This is changing – I was always a ‘hate them’ kinda guy but I love Babushka’s and have now considered getting one of my own (What is a good ‘old guy’ tattoo anyway?). Perhaps I could get me a thuggy tatt to help with my Street Cred!!!

- Note: I do adhere to the double standard philosophy. No tattoo for my daughter (Life is NOT fair – get used to it)

5. Stubble: Good or bad? How often do you shave?
BABUSHKA - I love Kahuna's stubble to a certain point. But, he always keeps it from being too much. . . He is always so beautiful with it!
KAHUNA – I keep telling Babushka to trim that beard of hers so it won’t scratch me when we kiss!!

Bonus (as in optional): What are a few of your favorite things (both sexual non-sexual)?

BABUSHKA:

• My life
• BuddyLuv's eyes, laugh and attitude.
• Kahuna's chest.
• Our level of communication.
• His strength. (Basically everything about Kahuna)
• Sexually, the intimacy involved. Our time. Our inventivmess. Watching Kahuna's face. Hearing him or I giggle like school kids after we cum.

KAHUNA:

• Babushka (Whenever, wherever and however I am blessed to spend time with her)
• Our kids
• Music I enjoy
• Exercise at the Gym

Kahuna

You make my heart smile

You help me to find peace in the storms

For that, I say. . .

Thank you!