What exactly do I "control"?

Life keeps reminding me that the answer to that is usually "not as much as you think" and then when I understand that the more detailed answer is "even less than that".

Working from home today as I had a bit of a headache. Long week/weekend with ups and downs but many reminders of my powerlessness over others behaviors and reactions. Hell, I seem to be powerlessness over my own behaviors and reactions too often.

I have really tried to keep this a place where I don't participate in the too often seen on other blogs "My ex-wife is a bitch" rant. All situations have differing viewpoints and one is never the gospel truth over the other. I am just tired of always getting new correspondence from her atty to mine about things she could have simply asked me about or are just not reasonable. The latest being a dispute over $340 from last September (School supplies) that she now implies means that I am late in my support payments and she is going to claim both kids on her taxes, even though the decree says we split them and I have already filed my taxes. Saying this will gain her $3,000 on her filing and invalidate mine, she has said we can avoid the whole thing if I just pay her $3,000 - What The Fuck!

• She gets 50% of my net income plus all of her income and I have paid her early every month
• She gets 40% of any annual bonus I were ever to get while she keeps 100% of hers
• She kept the house (that could not be sold) and EVERY SINGLE ITEM in the house that is mortgaged in my name alone
• I pay 1/2 the association fee and external maintenance on a house I do not live at
• She kept the newer car that had the loan in my name alone
• I pay 1/2 of all activity fees and 2/3 of all medical bills
• I paid 70% of my income during the 2+ years we were separated so that all the home bills were paid while I lived in a basement with no windows.

I have always paid on time (before time) and still paid for haircuts and clothes for the kids because she tells them to ask me to. I look at some of the ex-husbands on some of the blogs I read like Shibari or deadbeat fathers like Babushka had to deal with. I am not looking for a medal just a realization for PB that I am doing my part with our kids and with her.

I have admitted 100 times over that I was not the greatest husband and apologized over and over. I have accepted my part but left because of an inability to forgive me - I get that and can live with that.

But when is it enough - when is it that PB will finally be able to move on and no longer feel the need to make sure "I don't get away with hurting her"

I do not control that, but I fear that day will never come. I do not like what this does to the kids or to Babushka, but I cannot drop to her level - they need a role model and so do I.

Glad I have role models that walk through tough times with dignity and grace.

I love you Babushka!! Thanks for being such a wonderful role model

Trust, Faith and Honesty

Today was difficult. I think it was the fact that I was not prepared for such a difficult day that made it almost overwhelming.

I woke to what I thought was going to be a beautiful. You can tell from the last post. Then, BAM! Within an hour of waking, I was struggling with my son's attitude about school, homework and respecting his elders in general.

Next, we go to church, another fight just to get there. . .

Then a fight to sit up right and sing. . .

Then thoughts of dread of what was later to come that afternoon: a baby shower. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for my friend who is having the baby. She is very excited. I am so happy for her. But, it reminds me that we have chosen to accept that we will never have a baby. that was a dream, for all the years that I was single: have a baby, with someone who wants to have a baby with me, and do things "the right way". Share in all the joy surrounding a pregnancy and baby. Be there and participate in the child's every stage. . . not work 2+ jobs and miss the important milestones.

Then concern that it would be better if I were not there, as I am not good at being fake, which I would have to be in order to not have a negative effect on the party. Then wonder if it were to be better for all if I were not there.

Then it is all saints day, so we are remembering those who have gone before us. . .

Then thoughts turned to all of our discussions about weddings and marriage. And, I got angry. I got so angry, I had to leave church.

Funny, it hadn't been that long since I last talked to Kahuna. But, he knew. Somehow, he knew.

It wasn't long before he was at my door and we were in the bedroom. . . talking, crying, facing fears and being raw. It was the first time I was really mad at him. I was mad that he could not see just how important marriage and a ceremony meant to me. We had talked about it before, a couple of times. I sometimes struggle with NOT having made that commitment before God and family before living together. But, I had never been mad. I had never been angry. Dealing with everything else today brought out the anger. I was mad. I was mad that, from what I saw, PB had been such a demanding fucking bitch when they got married, he was scarred, not interested in the joy that can be a ceremony day. I was mad at myself for caring about the blessing and ceremony so much. Mad at myself for not accepting Kahuna's loving commitment under his terms. Mad that I felt like I was pushing, when I did not want to. Mad that I was not being patient and letting us both get to the same point naturally. And, I was afraid. I was afraid that there never would be a meet in the middle place for us. Afraid that Kahuna would decide that I am too demanding, too pushy, too something. Too wrong for him.

And, we cried.

And I told him.

And we cried.

And then we talked.

And then, as fast and overwhelming as it was, the healing began.

Kahuna helped me to see how, when something matter to me this much, it is my responsibility to sit him and and tell him EXACTLY how and feel and why I feel how I feel. Otherwise, we cannot find peace.

Kahuna also challenged me to think about and put into words what aspects of marriage/ceremony are important to me and why. It is important for us to both honestly look at this if we are going to meet in the happy middle that we both can find peace in.

We need to trust, have faith and act with honesty to have peace and transparent love.

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves."

I had a very interesting discussion with my Babushka tonight. She bravely disclosed to me something that occurred a few weeks back that she was ashamed of - something she was reluctant to tell me. Even though she was concerned of how I would react she told told me anyway, having faith in us.

It reminded me of all the times in my previous relationship where I was never forgiven for my mistakes. I still remember vividly that feeling inside - never being able to disclose an error in judgment, knowing it would just be added to the list of past transgressions - stored away until some future date when it would be needed to remind me just how 'less then' and 'unworthy' I truly was. Forgiveness was a concept; a theory - nothing tangible to actually be experienced.

I left that way of life two years ago next month - I have no interest in keeping a ledger of choices we later look back on think "uugh, why did I do that!" Because as humans that is what we do sometimes. That is why God asks us to forgive as he has forgiven us. I see these two quotes and it reminds me that for many on this earth the "concept" of forgiveness is so much easier for them than the act of actually forgiving someone.

"The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves."

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

I could not agree more. I love my Babushka as I love myself