Kahuna has not felt much like blogging.....simply due to the fact I do not know what to blog about. Babushka and I are doing very well. The three teens are keeping us on our toes (to say the least).
From a sexual standpoint we are enjoying ourselves. Babushka has started to enjoy taking the lead, as in taking on a mistress role. This has been a big step for her, being in control. In her previous relationships, her needs and desires were certainly secondary. Before now she was submissive and not because she wanted to be.
It was a big step for her to try to be in charge. I am so proud of my Babushka that she could overcome her fears and allow me to be her slut once in a while.....happily it occurs with much more regularity now.
As she sits and laughs at me for something random we were joking about with our middle son, I am so grateful that she is in my life. I love my Babushka so much.
Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
Four years tomorrow and going strong!!!!
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Friday, September 3, 2010
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
May..........."May you what?"
It feels like forever since blogging was a significant part of my life. It is one of the many things that has changed in the last few months, since Babushka and I became one family. Between the chaos of three teenagers, school and a computer hard-drive failure, there has been little time to blog and no time to participate in TMI/HNT. I still swing by and read when I can , trying to keep up with the adventures of D, V, VK, B and G to name a few. These are ladies I truly admire and try my best to read even if I cannot comment.
I have been a bit overwhelmed with work and life lately. I was reflecting with Babushka about this and how I was in a way missing the 'good ol' days'. Going from daily dating to a true life together is so much different...so much more work. It can be scary to open up completely all of who you are with someone else. When other insecurities about jobs and kids and ex-wives come into play a mind can play tricks on oneself. One (like me) can become concerned that the challenges of life life will make the most beautiful woman you have ever met finally wake up and question if this is really what she wants out of life.
One of the best things about our relationship is that during these times of internal strife I can talk to Babushka about them and she does not judge me or immediately jump to a conclusion that I am unhappy with her. Like any man in love, I want my Babushka to have only good, no bad....only joy, no sorrow...only peace, no strife. I can pressure my self into thinking that I have failed if I do not deliver all of these things.
Then I get an email from her that simply reminds me............
Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
I Love You Babushka :-)
I have been a bit overwhelmed with work and life lately. I was reflecting with Babushka about this and how I was in a way missing the 'good ol' days'. Going from daily dating to a true life together is so much different...so much more work. It can be scary to open up completely all of who you are with someone else. When other insecurities about jobs and kids and ex-wives come into play a mind can play tricks on oneself. One (like me) can become concerned that the challenges of life life will make the most beautiful woman you have ever met finally wake up and question if this is really what she wants out of life.
One of the best things about our relationship is that during these times of internal strife I can talk to Babushka about them and she does not judge me or immediately jump to a conclusion that I am unhappy with her. Like any man in love, I want my Babushka to have only good, no bad....only joy, no sorrow...only peace, no strife. I can pressure my self into thinking that I have failed if I do not deliver all of these things.
Then I get an email from her that simply reminds me............
- Why I fell in love with her
- Why I am still madly in love with her
- Why I anticipate every kiss from her
- Why her every smile lifts my heart
- Why I look forward to marrying her (once I get the courage to ask)
- Why I am at ease knowing I will die by her side (many, many years from now)
Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
I Love You Babushka :-)
Thursday, April 23, 2009
April is the cruellest month - T.S. Eliot
I have no idea what that means but it has been a month of intensity, which in turn has led to no blogging. Babushka and I are settling into our new life with the three kids and puppy from hell (I love him but he is just in that "chew everything to shreds" stage).
There have been many challenges over the last month as we become a family unit. Living in the same home full time is different then "staying at each others' house all the time". For those who know - you cannot describe it until you do it. Babushka and I have had a couple times where we have been less than thrilled with each other for one reason or another (like my being appalled over the fact that middle son had eaten ALL the hot dog buns - Call the cops!). We have done a great job (IMHO) of treating each other with respect and consideration given all the stresses going on.
What I am aware of is the fact that my life is busy, much busier than perhaps my lovely Babushka had been ready for. With 50+ hours of work, MBA class and homework, teenagers to shuttle to and from events, recovery meetings to attend, meeting with my sponsor and the people I sponsor in recovery - it can lead to less time for my beautiful babushka than I would wish.
I had to call her today and let her know how much I appreciate her for who she is and what she means to me. We have a beautiful house with fun neighbors and a life I always dreamed of.
Without Babushka none of this would be of value - I love you sweetie.
There have been many challenges over the last month as we become a family unit. Living in the same home full time is different then "staying at each others' house all the time". For those who know - you cannot describe it until you do it. Babushka and I have had a couple times where we have been less than thrilled with each other for one reason or another (like my being appalled over the fact that middle son had eaten ALL the hot dog buns - Call the cops!). We have done a great job (IMHO) of treating each other with respect and consideration given all the stresses going on.
What I am aware of is the fact that my life is busy, much busier than perhaps my lovely Babushka had been ready for. With 50+ hours of work, MBA class and homework, teenagers to shuttle to and from events, recovery meetings to attend, meeting with my sponsor and the people I sponsor in recovery - it can lead to less time for my beautiful babushka than I would wish.
I had to call her today and let her know how much I appreciate her for who she is and what she means to me. We have a beautiful house with fun neighbors and a life I always dreamed of.
Without Babushka none of this would be of value - I love you sweetie.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Trust, Faith and Honesty
Today was difficult. I think it was the fact that I was not prepared for such a difficult day that made it almost overwhelming.
I woke to what I thought was going to be a beautiful. You can tell from the last post. Then, BAM! Within an hour of waking, I was struggling with my son's attitude about school, homework and respecting his elders in general.
Next, we go to church, another fight just to get there. . .
Then a fight to sit up right and sing. . .
Then thoughts of dread of what was later to come that afternoon: a baby shower. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for my friend who is having the baby. She is very excited. I am so happy for her. But, it reminds me that we have chosen to accept that we will never have a baby. that was a dream, for all the years that I was single: have a baby, with someone who wants to have a baby with me, and do things "the right way". Share in all the joy surrounding a pregnancy and baby. Be there and participate in the child's every stage. . . not work 2+ jobs and miss the important milestones.
Then concern that it would be better if I were not there, as I am not good at being fake, which I would have to be in order to not have a negative effect on the party. Then wonder if it were to be better for all if I were not there.
Then it is all saints day, so we are remembering those who have gone before us. . .
Then thoughts turned to all of our discussions about weddings and marriage. And, I got angry. I got so angry, I had to leave church.
Funny, it hadn't been that long since I last talked to Kahuna. But, he knew. Somehow, he knew.
It wasn't long before he was at my door and we were in the bedroom. . . talking, crying, facing fears and being raw. It was the first time I was really mad at him. I was mad that he could not see just how important marriage and a ceremony meant to me. We had talked about it before, a couple of times. I sometimes struggle with NOT having made that commitment before God and family before living together. But, I had never been mad. I had never been angry. Dealing with everything else today brought out the anger. I was mad. I was mad that, from what I saw, PB had been such a demanding fucking bitch when they got married, he was scarred, not interested in the joy that can be a ceremony day. I was mad at myself for caring about the blessing and ceremony so much. Mad at myself for not accepting Kahuna's loving commitment under his terms. Mad that I felt like I was pushing, when I did not want to. Mad that I was not being patient and letting us both get to the same point naturally. And, I was afraid. I was afraid that there never would be a meet in the middle place for us. Afraid that Kahuna would decide that I am too demanding, too pushy, too something. Too wrong for him.
And, we cried.
And I told him.
And we cried.
And then we talked.
And then, as fast and overwhelming as it was, the healing began.
Kahuna helped me to see how, when something matter to me this much, it is my responsibility to sit him and and tell him EXACTLY how and feel and why I feel how I feel. Otherwise, we cannot find peace.
Kahuna also challenged me to think about and put into words what aspects of marriage/ceremony are important to me and why. It is important for us to both honestly look at this if we are going to meet in the happy middle that we both can find peace in.
We need to trust, have faith and act with honesty to have peace and transparent love.
I woke to what I thought was going to be a beautiful. You can tell from the last post. Then, BAM! Within an hour of waking, I was struggling with my son's attitude about school, homework and respecting his elders in general.
Next, we go to church, another fight just to get there. . .
Then a fight to sit up right and sing. . .
Then thoughts of dread of what was later to come that afternoon: a baby shower. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for my friend who is having the baby. She is very excited. I am so happy for her. But, it reminds me that we have chosen to accept that we will never have a baby. that was a dream, for all the years that I was single: have a baby, with someone who wants to have a baby with me, and do things "the right way". Share in all the joy surrounding a pregnancy and baby. Be there and participate in the child's every stage. . . not work 2+ jobs and miss the important milestones.
Then concern that it would be better if I were not there, as I am not good at being fake, which I would have to be in order to not have a negative effect on the party. Then wonder if it were to be better for all if I were not there.
Then it is all saints day, so we are remembering those who have gone before us. . .
Then thoughts turned to all of our discussions about weddings and marriage. And, I got angry. I got so angry, I had to leave church.
Funny, it hadn't been that long since I last talked to Kahuna. But, he knew. Somehow, he knew.
It wasn't long before he was at my door and we were in the bedroom. . . talking, crying, facing fears and being raw. It was the first time I was really mad at him. I was mad that he could not see just how important marriage and a ceremony meant to me. We had talked about it before, a couple of times. I sometimes struggle with NOT having made that commitment before God and family before living together. But, I had never been mad. I had never been angry. Dealing with everything else today brought out the anger. I was mad. I was mad that, from what I saw, PB had been such a demanding fucking bitch when they got married, he was scarred, not interested in the joy that can be a ceremony day. I was mad at myself for caring about the blessing and ceremony so much. Mad at myself for not accepting Kahuna's loving commitment under his terms. Mad that I felt like I was pushing, when I did not want to. Mad that I was not being patient and letting us both get to the same point naturally. And, I was afraid. I was afraid that there never would be a meet in the middle place for us. Afraid that Kahuna would decide that I am too demanding, too pushy, too something. Too wrong for him.
And, we cried.
And I told him.
And we cried.
And then we talked.
And then, as fast and overwhelming as it was, the healing began.
Kahuna helped me to see how, when something matter to me this much, it is my responsibility to sit him and and tell him EXACTLY how and feel and why I feel how I feel. Otherwise, we cannot find peace.
Kahuna also challenged me to think about and put into words what aspects of marriage/ceremony are important to me and why. It is important for us to both honestly look at this if we are going to meet in the happy middle that we both can find peace in.
We need to trust, have faith and act with honesty to have peace and transparent love.
MmMmMmMmMmMm
My body shakes
It is powerful
So powerful, I practically sit up
Tremors from my head
Down to my toes
As quickly as I was up
I lay back down
We are the world
There is nothing beyond us
No worries
No Stress
No thoughts
No cares
Tracing
Tracing the muscles in my legs
Up over my hips
Along my waiste
My sides
Around my breasts
Up to my neck
Down my stomache
Back to my legs
And around, again
Your fingers putting me in a trance
The touch so light
So caring
So gentle
Amazing
Intimate
Amazingly intimate
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Harder, Harder, Harder
We have told all three children. Dude was basically silent, beyond asking if Kahuna would be living in the city Dude lives in. Pumpkin was silent. BuddyLuv. . . not so much. The intial response was a simple multiple "No" followed by goofey behavior. He did like the fact he would still have his own room and was even promised a TV in his room. The next morning, Kahuna, in his loving and wonderful ways, mentioned that he was looking forward to the possability to spending time with BuddyLuv on a daily basis. Now that they know, it is harder to be patient and thankful for today, rather than focus on dreams of the future. I just want to be with Kahuna. I just want BuddyLuv to be with Kahuna.
I am scared of the treatment I will probably receive from the mortgage company. However, there are necessary evils that must occur to help support your request for a short sale. I don't deal well with mean people. I take it very personally and often allow it to upset me. It will be hard. But, I must find the strength to get through this part.
Last night, Kahuna had conferences and the children. That meant We could not see him. Those days are becoming harder and harder. Yes, I am pmsing, I am sure. But, I was on the phone with Kahuna and shed a few tears as I shared with him how much my body hurt from doing some physical labor around the home and just wanted to cuddle up into him and go to sleep.
My birthday is coming up!I will be 33 (I think. . . 75 to 08. . . yep, 33)! For my birthday, I am so excited! I get 4 days with Kahuna! Friday night! All day Saturday (except I have to work. But, it is a short 4 hour shift. I could not pass because it is the league I normally wait on. It would be irresponsible of me NOT to be there when I can make decent money. Besides, they know it is my bday! They said they would spread the word to be extra nice to me with tips)! All day Sunday (Kahuna, before I forget, BuddyLuv has to acolyte on Sunday, will you go to church with us)! And Monday night! Hey, and technically, Tuesday, too, in the morning! YEAH!
Kahuna. . .
I know your desires to give me the world. I have them, too. I don't need the world. I need you. I know you mentioned last night that you were having a hard night accepting the details of the divorce again because of the impact on us and our finances. I have those times, too. Not because I want your money. But rather, because of the stress it causes you.
It is ok, sweetie. You made the right choices because they were the choices you made. It has all happened in this way for a reason. I accept it and am thankful. No matter the outcome, we now have the opportunity to accept it and opportity to be free to move on. That moving on means we are one step closer to our dreams. I see nothing but good in that.
Get busy livin or get busy dyin. . .
This is us living.
PS I bet you thought this was going to be about sex!
I am scared of the treatment I will probably receive from the mortgage company. However, there are necessary evils that must occur to help support your request for a short sale. I don't deal well with mean people. I take it very personally and often allow it to upset me. It will be hard. But, I must find the strength to get through this part.
Last night, Kahuna had conferences and the children. That meant We could not see him. Those days are becoming harder and harder. Yes, I am pmsing, I am sure. But, I was on the phone with Kahuna and shed a few tears as I shared with him how much my body hurt from doing some physical labor around the home and just wanted to cuddle up into him and go to sleep.
My birthday is coming up!I will be 33 (I think. . . 75 to 08. . . yep, 33)! For my birthday, I am so excited! I get 4 days with Kahuna! Friday night! All day Saturday (except I have to work. But, it is a short 4 hour shift. I could not pass because it is the league I normally wait on. It would be irresponsible of me NOT to be there when I can make decent money. Besides, they know it is my bday! They said they would spread the word to be extra nice to me with tips)! All day Sunday (Kahuna, before I forget, BuddyLuv has to acolyte on Sunday, will you go to church with us)! And Monday night! Hey, and technically, Tuesday, too, in the morning! YEAH!
Kahuna. . .
I know your desires to give me the world. I have them, too. I don't need the world. I need you. I know you mentioned last night that you were having a hard night accepting the details of the divorce again because of the impact on us and our finances. I have those times, too. Not because I want your money. But rather, because of the stress it causes you.
It is ok, sweetie. You made the right choices because they were the choices you made. It has all happened in this way for a reason. I accept it and am thankful. No matter the outcome, we now have the opportunity to accept it and opportity to be free to move on. That moving on means we are one step closer to our dreams. I see nothing but good in that.
I miss you!
I desire you!
I adore you!
I love you!
Get busy livin or get busy dyin. . .
This is us living.
PS I bet you thought this was going to be about sex!
Saturday, September 6, 2008
The Long and Winding Road....
......That leads to your door.......
I was listening to The Fab Four earlier this week while doing homework and comes to mind today as I am again working on said homework. That said, the in-between time for Babushka and I has been a curvy and confusing path indeed:
We both have alot of "stuff" on our plates right now, more than either of us would like. Yet we both are missing things that we would like added to our plate. Perhaps it is not that we have too much "stuff" we are juggling, just that we wish to be juggling different "stuff".
What I do know is that I am proud of us both and grateful to be here right now. You always hear that 'relationships take work'. I always hated hearing that when my Ex said that to me - it was her way trying to get me to accept my unhappiness as normal. My response was always "I am not afraid of the hard work, but both people have to be working toward the same thing". We never were.
Babushka and I are working toward the same vision: A life together; a life with one another; a life of sharing, laughing and loving; a life of challenge, disappointment and misunderstanding; a life of forgiveness and a life of serenity.
It is work- but it is work that is well worth the effort.
We are working toward the same thing......toward each other!
Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
Kahuna is damn proud to be celebrating 2 years of sobriety
I was listening to The Fab Four earlier this week while doing homework and comes to mind today as I am again working on said homework. That said, the in-between time for Babushka and I has been a curvy and confusing path indeed:
- Great Sex
- Closeness and Intimacy
- Heartfelt but Difficult Discussion
- More Great Sex
- More Intimacy and Closeness
- Greater Disagreement and Misunderstanding
- More Heartfelt but Difficult Discussion
We both have alot of "stuff" on our plates right now, more than either of us would like. Yet we both are missing things that we would like added to our plate. Perhaps it is not that we have too much "stuff" we are juggling, just that we wish to be juggling different "stuff".
What I do know is that I am proud of us both and grateful to be here right now. You always hear that 'relationships take work'. I always hated hearing that when my Ex said that to me - it was her way trying to get me to accept my unhappiness as normal. My response was always "I am not afraid of the hard work, but both people have to be working toward the same thing". We never were.
Babushka and I are working toward the same vision: A life together; a life with one another; a life of sharing, laughing and loving; a life of challenge, disappointment and misunderstanding; a life of forgiveness and a life of serenity.
It is work- but it is work that is well worth the effort.
We are working toward the same thing......toward each other!
Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
Kahuna is damn proud to be celebrating 2 years of sobriety
Monday, September 1, 2008
Life's Not Easier Just Cause Your Sober
The weeks have just gotten lost in my seeming perpetual battle with the divorce, although it is now official - I now have an "Ex-Wife"!
As nice as it is to say that, this fact ushers in a new era for all of us - A new era that will take some time to adjust to. My kids, Dude and Pumpkin, have further to go than BuddyLuv. Both will have periods where they are less receptive to the 'inclusion' of Babushka and BuddyLuv than other periods.
This weekend was one of those where Dude was not very receptive. This obviously bothered Babushka. I in turn am torn between being protective of both of them. It leaves me conflicted. From what I have read and from friends I have spoken to this is a natural occurrence that is to be expected. This does not make me feel any better, knowing how much it hurts my dear Babushka.
Between my preoccupations with exes and kids, I feel like I have been less than 100% available to Babushka as she has dealt with a number of medical events that have impacted her family. Although this is not something to beat myself up emotionally about, I do not enjoy the thought of not always being her night in shining armor.
It feels like Babushka and I are starting to encounter the inevitable 'growing pains' of our relationship. It also feels (at least to me) that we are doing as good of a job as we can of navigating these complex waters.
Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
I love my life, my Babushka and myself.......life is good (if not easy)
As nice as it is to say that, this fact ushers in a new era for all of us - A new era that will take some time to adjust to. My kids, Dude and Pumpkin, have further to go than BuddyLuv. Both will have periods where they are less receptive to the 'inclusion' of Babushka and BuddyLuv than other periods.
This weekend was one of those where Dude was not very receptive. This obviously bothered Babushka. I in turn am torn between being protective of both of them. It leaves me conflicted. From what I have read and from friends I have spoken to this is a natural occurrence that is to be expected. This does not make me feel any better, knowing how much it hurts my dear Babushka.
Between my preoccupations with exes and kids, I feel like I have been less than 100% available to Babushka as she has dealt with a number of medical events that have impacted her family. Although this is not something to beat myself up emotionally about, I do not enjoy the thought of not always being her night in shining armor.
It feels like Babushka and I are starting to encounter the inevitable 'growing pains' of our relationship. It also feels (at least to me) that we are doing as good of a job as we can of navigating these complex waters.
Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
I love my life, my Babushka and myself.......life is good (if not easy)
Friday, August 29, 2008
Things just aren't that bad
Last night, Kahuna and I finally got to spend some time together. This, that and the other thing have kept us apart far too much this week. I feel like I keep jinxing us by thinking or saying that things cannot get worse and are going to get better.
Sunday we found out my niece, Peanut (11), lost a friend to meningitis. There was now panic that it was the "bad one" and my sister's family may have to be treated because the kids had just played together recently, plus my mom and BuddyLuv were at my sisters house on Saturday. Which, by extension, means we ALL may need to be treated. It was not the "bad one" and if the hospital would have taken her seriously the first time she was brought in, she would not have passed. Instead, they had to take her in a second time at which point she was air-vacced to another hospital where she passed.
Monday I had to take BuddyLuv to the Dr because he has pneumonia and is not getting any better. His cough was so bad, they thought he had whooping cough. He does not.
Monday I was told by a man at work that I cause him to feel a little something something and that I shouldn't dress as nice as I do because I don't want to get raped. Yep, thats what he said. . . Just a week ago, I had mentioned to co workers when we were out for dinner that he made me uncomfortable. Come to find out, he has made others uncomfortable. He just never crossed that line with them.
Kahuna was here for me, exactly how I needed him to be.
Tuesday I had to deal with the aftermath of Monday's incident. I faced him with supervisor/director present and told him what line he had crossed and how his "compliment" affected me.
Tuesday my niece, Princess, was tested for cancer. Though they do not know what the growth is on her bone, it is not cancer.
Tuesday BuddyLuv, Kahuna and I had to go to orientation. It is funny how they "ask" for a donation to cover things like the planners that are handed out and such. Then the teacher remarks that she will be following up with parents who forget to send in the donation. Huh? Then again, this is the same teacher who advised the kids to put their locker combination inside their lockers in case they forget the combination. BuddyLuv has the same dang English teacher he had last year. The same teacher we STRUGGLED with all year long. The same teacher I had to contact the principal about!
Kahuna and I just disconnected. It was terrible and it was icky. I was sure something was "different" with or bothering Kahuna. I could feel it in my gut. I was wrong, at that moment. I guess you could say it was more a feeling of what was to come.
Wednesday Kahuna was already irritated because of having to fight with PB about September bills. Then we exchanged emails not of our character, showing our disconnect. He had to meet PB at the cable company to have his name taken off it. That night, we were the most disconnected we have ever been. It hurt.
Thursday Kahuna and I do not start the day off if a good place, make things worse by being too direct, deal with PB and more crap that she has pulled. . .
Then, Thursday night, Kahuna goes to work out, goes to an AA meeting and comes over. The instant he walks in the door, things are better. . . for both of us. . . I hold him, he holds me. I kiss him, he kisses me. BuddyLuv shouts out that he can hear us kissing. We talked about things a little bit.
I wish I could remember the exact verbiage we used. But, basically, we agreed that:
Things are just not right when we are not together.
And, things just aren't that bad when we are.
This morning, I feel like I have my Kahuna back. And, I hope he feels like he has his Babushka back.
Get Busy Livin or Get Busy Dyin. . .
This is it, this is life, and we are living!
Sunday we found out my niece, Peanut (11), lost a friend to meningitis. There was now panic that it was the "bad one" and my sister's family may have to be treated because the kids had just played together recently, plus my mom and BuddyLuv were at my sisters house on Saturday. Which, by extension, means we ALL may need to be treated. It was not the "bad one" and if the hospital would have taken her seriously the first time she was brought in, she would not have passed. Instead, they had to take her in a second time at which point she was air-vacced to another hospital where she passed.
Monday I had to take BuddyLuv to the Dr because he has pneumonia and is not getting any better. His cough was so bad, they thought he had whooping cough. He does not.
Monday I was told by a man at work that I cause him to feel a little something something and that I shouldn't dress as nice as I do because I don't want to get raped. Yep, thats what he said. . . Just a week ago, I had mentioned to co workers when we were out for dinner that he made me uncomfortable. Come to find out, he has made others uncomfortable. He just never crossed that line with them.
Kahuna was here for me, exactly how I needed him to be.
Tuesday I had to deal with the aftermath of Monday's incident. I faced him with supervisor/director present and told him what line he had crossed and how his "compliment" affected me.
Tuesday my niece, Princess, was tested for cancer. Though they do not know what the growth is on her bone, it is not cancer.
Tuesday BuddyLuv, Kahuna and I had to go to orientation. It is funny how they "ask" for a donation to cover things like the planners that are handed out and such. Then the teacher remarks that she will be following up with parents who forget to send in the donation. Huh? Then again, this is the same teacher who advised the kids to put their locker combination inside their lockers in case they forget the combination. BuddyLuv has the same dang English teacher he had last year. The same teacher we STRUGGLED with all year long. The same teacher I had to contact the principal about!
Kahuna and I just disconnected. It was terrible and it was icky. I was sure something was "different" with or bothering Kahuna. I could feel it in my gut. I was wrong, at that moment. I guess you could say it was more a feeling of what was to come.
Wednesday Kahuna was already irritated because of having to fight with PB about September bills. Then we exchanged emails not of our character, showing our disconnect. He had to meet PB at the cable company to have his name taken off it. That night, we were the most disconnected we have ever been. It hurt.
Thursday Kahuna and I do not start the day off if a good place, make things worse by being too direct, deal with PB and more crap that she has pulled. . .
Then, Thursday night, Kahuna goes to work out, goes to an AA meeting and comes over. The instant he walks in the door, things are better. . . for both of us. . . I hold him, he holds me. I kiss him, he kisses me. BuddyLuv shouts out that he can hear us kissing. We talked about things a little bit.
I wish I could remember the exact verbiage we used. But, basically, we agreed that:
Things are just not right when we are not together.
And, things just aren't that bad when we are.
This morning, I feel like I have my Kahuna back. And, I hope he feels like he has his Babushka back.
Get Busy Livin or Get Busy Dyin. . .
This is it, this is life, and we are living!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
The power of truth and honesty
It has been a beautiful week again.
It has been a week filled with the continued saga that is Kahuna's seemingly never ending divorce. She found a way to stop her PB foot to try and extort more $$ by demanding more that is in no way connected to the divorce precedings and threatening to NOT sign the already agreed upon documents unless she get it.
It has been a week filled will challenges and memories surrounding out sobriety in the form of haunting dreams and my momentary guilt that I was not there to hold him through the dreams. That guilt soon turned into pride. He was ok. Kahuna had a rough night, but knew I was there even if I was not.
It has been a week filled with health concerns in the form of BuddyLuv being 4 hours away and having pnemonia. My princess niece (9) (not to be confused with PB) broke her leg which has lead to the finding of a "growth" on her bone that must be tested this coming week.
It has been filled with sex! Wonderful, body rocking sex! Toys! Intimace! Fucking! Love making!
It has been filled with beautiful, special, quiet, intimate moments. Moments when we danced to no music at all in the kitchen. Moments where we had difficult scary, raw, emotional discussions, exposing dreams and fears, being vulnerable and growing even closer than we have ever been. Moments that made me remember that we are not "waiting" for us to begin. We are here and now.
Get busy livin or get busy dyin?
We are living the life we are given, not waiting for the life that may or may not ever be!
It has been a week filled with the continued saga that is Kahuna's seemingly never ending divorce. She found a way to stop her PB foot to try and extort more $$ by demanding more that is in no way connected to the divorce precedings and threatening to NOT sign the already agreed upon documents unless she get it.
It has been a week filled will challenges and memories surrounding out sobriety in the form of haunting dreams and my momentary guilt that I was not there to hold him through the dreams. That guilt soon turned into pride. He was ok. Kahuna had a rough night, but knew I was there even if I was not.
It has been a week filled with health concerns in the form of BuddyLuv being 4 hours away and having pnemonia. My princess niece (9) (not to be confused with PB) broke her leg which has lead to the finding of a "growth" on her bone that must be tested this coming week.
It has been filled with sex! Wonderful, body rocking sex! Toys! Intimace! Fucking! Love making!
It has been filled with beautiful, special, quiet, intimate moments. Moments when we danced to no music at all in the kitchen. Moments where we had difficult scary, raw, emotional discussions, exposing dreams and fears, being vulnerable and growing even closer than we have ever been. Moments that made me remember that we are not "waiting" for us to begin. We are here and now.
Get busy livin or get busy dyin?
We are living the life we are given, not waiting for the life that may or may not ever be!
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Weekend that Was
It was indeed a lovely weekend spent with my favorite people: Babushka, Pumpkin (aka Peaches), BuddyLuv and Dude.
All five of us went to the horse racing track on Friday night and had a wonderful time. Neither Babushka or I are gamblers but it is a blast watching the kids get so excited when the have $2 riding on their favorite horse.
Saturday afternoon four of us went to play miniature golf(Dude is 15 and much too busy with friends to spend two days with us). Once again it was a blast - the park we went to is beautiful, with ponds and wildlife. We then came home, made dessert and played games together. This morning we had a lovely breakfast and after Babushka and BuddyLuv went home Pumpkin and I had a very special heart-to-heart talk.
The weekend was a wonderful illustration of what life should be like more often for all of us - memorable times spent with the ones we love.
All five of us went to the horse racing track on Friday night and had a wonderful time. Neither Babushka or I are gamblers but it is a blast watching the kids get so excited when the have $2 riding on their favorite horse.
Saturday afternoon four of us went to play miniature golf(Dude is 15 and much too busy with friends to spend two days with us). Once again it was a blast - the park we went to is beautiful, with ponds and wildlife. We then came home, made dessert and played games together. This morning we had a lovely breakfast and after Babushka and BuddyLuv went home Pumpkin and I had a very special heart-to-heart talk.
The weekend was a wonderful illustration of what life should be like more often for all of us - memorable times spent with the ones we love.
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