So I mentioned my Babushka has a girlfriend - Gigi. They have a great time together, both best friends and lovers. They have a connection that special, and one that I have occasionally found myself inadequate. No reason mind you, my Babushka is always reminding me that I am 'happily ever after'. Through one of these times of insecurity, Babushka agreed to include me in fun.
A couple weeks ago my Babushka surprised me with a much needed night away. Between work and school I have been stressed. A whirlpool room, where she ran me a bath and told me to relax, closing the door. 10 minutes later she opened the door, and there she stood with her Gigi - One in a new camisole and the other in garter and hose. The next 24 hours were rockin'.
This is not the first time the three of us have been together, but I do not see this as a true menage. I am invited on occasions to join their fun. But as enjoyable as that is (and it always is) I do have a sense that I do not rightly belong.
This was supposed to be hers, not ours
This was supposed to be theirs, not ours
Showing posts with label Wisdom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wisdom. Show all posts
Monday, March 1, 2010
Thursday, April 23, 2009
April is the cruellest month - T.S. Eliot
I have no idea what that means but it has been a month of intensity, which in turn has led to no blogging. Babushka and I are settling into our new life with the three kids and puppy from hell (I love him but he is just in that "chew everything to shreds" stage).
There have been many challenges over the last month as we become a family unit. Living in the same home full time is different then "staying at each others' house all the time". For those who know - you cannot describe it until you do it. Babushka and I have had a couple times where we have been less than thrilled with each other for one reason or another (like my being appalled over the fact that middle son had eaten ALL the hot dog buns - Call the cops!). We have done a great job (IMHO) of treating each other with respect and consideration given all the stresses going on.
What I am aware of is the fact that my life is busy, much busier than perhaps my lovely Babushka had been ready for. With 50+ hours of work, MBA class and homework, teenagers to shuttle to and from events, recovery meetings to attend, meeting with my sponsor and the people I sponsor in recovery - it can lead to less time for my beautiful babushka than I would wish.
I had to call her today and let her know how much I appreciate her for who she is and what she means to me. We have a beautiful house with fun neighbors and a life I always dreamed of.
Without Babushka none of this would be of value - I love you sweetie.
There have been many challenges over the last month as we become a family unit. Living in the same home full time is different then "staying at each others' house all the time". For those who know - you cannot describe it until you do it. Babushka and I have had a couple times where we have been less than thrilled with each other for one reason or another (like my being appalled over the fact that middle son had eaten ALL the hot dog buns - Call the cops!). We have done a great job (IMHO) of treating each other with respect and consideration given all the stresses going on.
What I am aware of is the fact that my life is busy, much busier than perhaps my lovely Babushka had been ready for. With 50+ hours of work, MBA class and homework, teenagers to shuttle to and from events, recovery meetings to attend, meeting with my sponsor and the people I sponsor in recovery - it can lead to less time for my beautiful babushka than I would wish.
I had to call her today and let her know how much I appreciate her for who she is and what she means to me. We have a beautiful house with fun neighbors and a life I always dreamed of.
Without Babushka none of this would be of value - I love you sweetie.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Remember When - Not Smothering Meant Missing Each Other
This past week, I offered to purposely NOT come down to Kahuna's this weekend. Every weekend since our first full night together, BuddyLuv and I have been down here at least one night. To show that I respect Kahuna's relationships with Dude and Pumpkin, I said we would stay away and give them some alone time. I know it is a thin line, being involved and being too involved, when it comes to situations like ours. I don't want to cross that line if I can help it at all!
Friday evening, before 7pm, BuddyLuv was already asking when we would see Kahuna, Dude, and Pumpkin again. Pumpkin was asking when they would see us again. By 7pm we had plans to meet at 10:30am the next morning.
I guess I shouldn't worry quite so much!
Friday evening, before 7pm, BuddyLuv was already asking when we would see Kahuna, Dude, and Pumpkin again. Pumpkin was asking when they would see us again. By 7pm we had plans to meet at 10:30am the next morning.
I guess I shouldn't worry quite so much!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Trust, Faith and Honesty
Today was difficult. I think it was the fact that I was not prepared for such a difficult day that made it almost overwhelming.
I woke to what I thought was going to be a beautiful. You can tell from the last post. Then, BAM! Within an hour of waking, I was struggling with my son's attitude about school, homework and respecting his elders in general.
Next, we go to church, another fight just to get there. . .
Then a fight to sit up right and sing. . .
Then thoughts of dread of what was later to come that afternoon: a baby shower. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for my friend who is having the baby. She is very excited. I am so happy for her. But, it reminds me that we have chosen to accept that we will never have a baby. that was a dream, for all the years that I was single: have a baby, with someone who wants to have a baby with me, and do things "the right way". Share in all the joy surrounding a pregnancy and baby. Be there and participate in the child's every stage. . . not work 2+ jobs and miss the important milestones.
Then concern that it would be better if I were not there, as I am not good at being fake, which I would have to be in order to not have a negative effect on the party. Then wonder if it were to be better for all if I were not there.
Then it is all saints day, so we are remembering those who have gone before us. . .
Then thoughts turned to all of our discussions about weddings and marriage. And, I got angry. I got so angry, I had to leave church.
Funny, it hadn't been that long since I last talked to Kahuna. But, he knew. Somehow, he knew.
It wasn't long before he was at my door and we were in the bedroom. . . talking, crying, facing fears and being raw. It was the first time I was really mad at him. I was mad that he could not see just how important marriage and a ceremony meant to me. We had talked about it before, a couple of times. I sometimes struggle with NOT having made that commitment before God and family before living together. But, I had never been mad. I had never been angry. Dealing with everything else today brought out the anger. I was mad. I was mad that, from what I saw, PB had been such a demanding fucking bitch when they got married, he was scarred, not interested in the joy that can be a ceremony day. I was mad at myself for caring about the blessing and ceremony so much. Mad at myself for not accepting Kahuna's loving commitment under his terms. Mad that I felt like I was pushing, when I did not want to. Mad that I was not being patient and letting us both get to the same point naturally. And, I was afraid. I was afraid that there never would be a meet in the middle place for us. Afraid that Kahuna would decide that I am too demanding, too pushy, too something. Too wrong for him.
And, we cried.
And I told him.
And we cried.
And then we talked.
And then, as fast and overwhelming as it was, the healing began.
Kahuna helped me to see how, when something matter to me this much, it is my responsibility to sit him and and tell him EXACTLY how and feel and why I feel how I feel. Otherwise, we cannot find peace.
Kahuna also challenged me to think about and put into words what aspects of marriage/ceremony are important to me and why. It is important for us to both honestly look at this if we are going to meet in the happy middle that we both can find peace in.
We need to trust, have faith and act with honesty to have peace and transparent love.
I woke to what I thought was going to be a beautiful. You can tell from the last post. Then, BAM! Within an hour of waking, I was struggling with my son's attitude about school, homework and respecting his elders in general.
Next, we go to church, another fight just to get there. . .
Then a fight to sit up right and sing. . .
Then thoughts of dread of what was later to come that afternoon: a baby shower. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for my friend who is having the baby. She is very excited. I am so happy for her. But, it reminds me that we have chosen to accept that we will never have a baby. that was a dream, for all the years that I was single: have a baby, with someone who wants to have a baby with me, and do things "the right way". Share in all the joy surrounding a pregnancy and baby. Be there and participate in the child's every stage. . . not work 2+ jobs and miss the important milestones.
Then concern that it would be better if I were not there, as I am not good at being fake, which I would have to be in order to not have a negative effect on the party. Then wonder if it were to be better for all if I were not there.
Then it is all saints day, so we are remembering those who have gone before us. . .
Then thoughts turned to all of our discussions about weddings and marriage. And, I got angry. I got so angry, I had to leave church.
Funny, it hadn't been that long since I last talked to Kahuna. But, he knew. Somehow, he knew.
It wasn't long before he was at my door and we were in the bedroom. . . talking, crying, facing fears and being raw. It was the first time I was really mad at him. I was mad that he could not see just how important marriage and a ceremony meant to me. We had talked about it before, a couple of times. I sometimes struggle with NOT having made that commitment before God and family before living together. But, I had never been mad. I had never been angry. Dealing with everything else today brought out the anger. I was mad. I was mad that, from what I saw, PB had been such a demanding fucking bitch when they got married, he was scarred, not interested in the joy that can be a ceremony day. I was mad at myself for caring about the blessing and ceremony so much. Mad at myself for not accepting Kahuna's loving commitment under his terms. Mad that I felt like I was pushing, when I did not want to. Mad that I was not being patient and letting us both get to the same point naturally. And, I was afraid. I was afraid that there never would be a meet in the middle place for us. Afraid that Kahuna would decide that I am too demanding, too pushy, too something. Too wrong for him.
And, we cried.
And I told him.
And we cried.
And then we talked.
And then, as fast and overwhelming as it was, the healing began.
Kahuna helped me to see how, when something matter to me this much, it is my responsibility to sit him and and tell him EXACTLY how and feel and why I feel how I feel. Otherwise, we cannot find peace.
Kahuna also challenged me to think about and put into words what aspects of marriage/ceremony are important to me and why. It is important for us to both honestly look at this if we are going to meet in the happy middle that we both can find peace in.
We need to trust, have faith and act with honesty to have peace and transparent love.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Things just aren't that bad
Last night, Kahuna and I finally got to spend some time together. This, that and the other thing have kept us apart far too much this week. I feel like I keep jinxing us by thinking or saying that things cannot get worse and are going to get better.
Sunday we found out my niece, Peanut (11), lost a friend to meningitis. There was now panic that it was the "bad one" and my sister's family may have to be treated because the kids had just played together recently, plus my mom and BuddyLuv were at my sisters house on Saturday. Which, by extension, means we ALL may need to be treated. It was not the "bad one" and if the hospital would have taken her seriously the first time she was brought in, she would not have passed. Instead, they had to take her in a second time at which point she was air-vacced to another hospital where she passed.
Monday I had to take BuddyLuv to the Dr because he has pneumonia and is not getting any better. His cough was so bad, they thought he had whooping cough. He does not.
Monday I was told by a man at work that I cause him to feel a little something something and that I shouldn't dress as nice as I do because I don't want to get raped. Yep, thats what he said. . . Just a week ago, I had mentioned to co workers when we were out for dinner that he made me uncomfortable. Come to find out, he has made others uncomfortable. He just never crossed that line with them.
Kahuna was here for me, exactly how I needed him to be.
Tuesday I had to deal with the aftermath of Monday's incident. I faced him with supervisor/director present and told him what line he had crossed and how his "compliment" affected me.
Tuesday my niece, Princess, was tested for cancer. Though they do not know what the growth is on her bone, it is not cancer.
Tuesday BuddyLuv, Kahuna and I had to go to orientation. It is funny how they "ask" for a donation to cover things like the planners that are handed out and such. Then the teacher remarks that she will be following up with parents who forget to send in the donation. Huh? Then again, this is the same teacher who advised the kids to put their locker combination inside their lockers in case they forget the combination. BuddyLuv has the same dang English teacher he had last year. The same teacher we STRUGGLED with all year long. The same teacher I had to contact the principal about!
Kahuna and I just disconnected. It was terrible and it was icky. I was sure something was "different" with or bothering Kahuna. I could feel it in my gut. I was wrong, at that moment. I guess you could say it was more a feeling of what was to come.
Wednesday Kahuna was already irritated because of having to fight with PB about September bills. Then we exchanged emails not of our character, showing our disconnect. He had to meet PB at the cable company to have his name taken off it. That night, we were the most disconnected we have ever been. It hurt.
Thursday Kahuna and I do not start the day off if a good place, make things worse by being too direct, deal with PB and more crap that she has pulled. . .
Then, Thursday night, Kahuna goes to work out, goes to an AA meeting and comes over. The instant he walks in the door, things are better. . . for both of us. . . I hold him, he holds me. I kiss him, he kisses me. BuddyLuv shouts out that he can hear us kissing. We talked about things a little bit.
I wish I could remember the exact verbiage we used. But, basically, we agreed that:
Things are just not right when we are not together.
And, things just aren't that bad when we are.
This morning, I feel like I have my Kahuna back. And, I hope he feels like he has his Babushka back.
Get Busy Livin or Get Busy Dyin. . .
This is it, this is life, and we are living!
Sunday we found out my niece, Peanut (11), lost a friend to meningitis. There was now panic that it was the "bad one" and my sister's family may have to be treated because the kids had just played together recently, plus my mom and BuddyLuv were at my sisters house on Saturday. Which, by extension, means we ALL may need to be treated. It was not the "bad one" and if the hospital would have taken her seriously the first time she was brought in, she would not have passed. Instead, they had to take her in a second time at which point she was air-vacced to another hospital where she passed.
Monday I had to take BuddyLuv to the Dr because he has pneumonia and is not getting any better. His cough was so bad, they thought he had whooping cough. He does not.
Monday I was told by a man at work that I cause him to feel a little something something and that I shouldn't dress as nice as I do because I don't want to get raped. Yep, thats what he said. . . Just a week ago, I had mentioned to co workers when we were out for dinner that he made me uncomfortable. Come to find out, he has made others uncomfortable. He just never crossed that line with them.
Kahuna was here for me, exactly how I needed him to be.
Tuesday I had to deal with the aftermath of Monday's incident. I faced him with supervisor/director present and told him what line he had crossed and how his "compliment" affected me.
Tuesday my niece, Princess, was tested for cancer. Though they do not know what the growth is on her bone, it is not cancer.
Tuesday BuddyLuv, Kahuna and I had to go to orientation. It is funny how they "ask" for a donation to cover things like the planners that are handed out and such. Then the teacher remarks that she will be following up with parents who forget to send in the donation. Huh? Then again, this is the same teacher who advised the kids to put their locker combination inside their lockers in case they forget the combination. BuddyLuv has the same dang English teacher he had last year. The same teacher we STRUGGLED with all year long. The same teacher I had to contact the principal about!
Kahuna and I just disconnected. It was terrible and it was icky. I was sure something was "different" with or bothering Kahuna. I could feel it in my gut. I was wrong, at that moment. I guess you could say it was more a feeling of what was to come.
Wednesday Kahuna was already irritated because of having to fight with PB about September bills. Then we exchanged emails not of our character, showing our disconnect. He had to meet PB at the cable company to have his name taken off it. That night, we were the most disconnected we have ever been. It hurt.
Thursday Kahuna and I do not start the day off if a good place, make things worse by being too direct, deal with PB and more crap that she has pulled. . .
Then, Thursday night, Kahuna goes to work out, goes to an AA meeting and comes over. The instant he walks in the door, things are better. . . for both of us. . . I hold him, he holds me. I kiss him, he kisses me. BuddyLuv shouts out that he can hear us kissing. We talked about things a little bit.
I wish I could remember the exact verbiage we used. But, basically, we agreed that:
Things are just not right when we are not together.
And, things just aren't that bad when we are.
This morning, I feel like I have my Kahuna back. And, I hope he feels like he has his Babushka back.
Get Busy Livin or Get Busy Dyin. . .
This is it, this is life, and we are living!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
The power of truth and honesty
It has been a beautiful week again.
It has been a week filled with the continued saga that is Kahuna's seemingly never ending divorce. She found a way to stop her PB foot to try and extort more $$ by demanding more that is in no way connected to the divorce precedings and threatening to NOT sign the already agreed upon documents unless she get it.
It has been a week filled will challenges and memories surrounding out sobriety in the form of haunting dreams and my momentary guilt that I was not there to hold him through the dreams. That guilt soon turned into pride. He was ok. Kahuna had a rough night, but knew I was there even if I was not.
It has been a week filled with health concerns in the form of BuddyLuv being 4 hours away and having pnemonia. My princess niece (9) (not to be confused with PB) broke her leg which has lead to the finding of a "growth" on her bone that must be tested this coming week.
It has been filled with sex! Wonderful, body rocking sex! Toys! Intimace! Fucking! Love making!
It has been filled with beautiful, special, quiet, intimate moments. Moments when we danced to no music at all in the kitchen. Moments where we had difficult scary, raw, emotional discussions, exposing dreams and fears, being vulnerable and growing even closer than we have ever been. Moments that made me remember that we are not "waiting" for us to begin. We are here and now.
Get busy livin or get busy dyin?
We are living the life we are given, not waiting for the life that may or may not ever be!
It has been a week filled with the continued saga that is Kahuna's seemingly never ending divorce. She found a way to stop her PB foot to try and extort more $$ by demanding more that is in no way connected to the divorce precedings and threatening to NOT sign the already agreed upon documents unless she get it.
It has been a week filled will challenges and memories surrounding out sobriety in the form of haunting dreams and my momentary guilt that I was not there to hold him through the dreams. That guilt soon turned into pride. He was ok. Kahuna had a rough night, but knew I was there even if I was not.
It has been a week filled with health concerns in the form of BuddyLuv being 4 hours away and having pnemonia. My princess niece (9) (not to be confused with PB) broke her leg which has lead to the finding of a "growth" on her bone that must be tested this coming week.
It has been filled with sex! Wonderful, body rocking sex! Toys! Intimace! Fucking! Love making!
It has been filled with beautiful, special, quiet, intimate moments. Moments when we danced to no music at all in the kitchen. Moments where we had difficult scary, raw, emotional discussions, exposing dreams and fears, being vulnerable and growing even closer than we have ever been. Moments that made me remember that we are not "waiting" for us to begin. We are here and now.
Get busy livin or get busy dyin?
We are living the life we are given, not waiting for the life that may or may not ever be!
Monday, June 30, 2008
The second event
The second event that made things hard this weekend was friendships, or lack there of. If you have read the past postings, I have not always made smart decisions. I did not consider myself to be a good person. So, I did not make friends with good people.
Fast forward a few years.
Now, I am surrounding myself with good people. But, I don't have those good lasting friendships like my new friends. When I was out with Senorita, I noticed it. They had such a long history together. They knew all of each other's families. They did a great job trying to invite me into the conversations. However, I was noticeably (to me) an outsider.
When I am at church, all of the wives have known each other forever. They are involved both inside and outside the church. And then there is me.
I guess I myself have always labeled myself the outsider. I have labeled myself the I get along with everyone, but have a close relationship with no one person. This is my doing.
If I had the power to do all of this, imagine the power I truly have to make those relationships I long for.
Fast forward a few years.
Now, I am surrounding myself with good people. But, I don't have those good lasting friendships like my new friends. When I was out with Senorita, I noticed it. They had such a long history together. They knew all of each other's families. They did a great job trying to invite me into the conversations. However, I was noticeably (to me) an outsider.
When I am at church, all of the wives have known each other forever. They are involved both inside and outside the church. And then there is me.
I guess I myself have always labeled myself the outsider. I have labeled myself the I get along with everyone, but have a close relationship with no one person. This is my doing.
If I had the power to do all of this, imagine the power I truly have to make those relationships I long for.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
God, grant me the serenity.................
..........................to accept things that I cannot change
- The sadness in Babushka's heart as BuddyLuv heads up to the wilderness for the summer
- The frustration in Babushka's head when co-workers are not as professional as she is
- The poor-sportsmanship that Dude displays when he strikes out to end a game
- The inability of an ex-spouse to accept and forgive
- Listen to Babushka and support her feelings, rather than view them as problems for me to solve.
- Instill a sense of accountability for actions in Dude, rather that loudly vent disappointment in an angry manner that does not halt but in reality reinforces the poor behavior exhibited
- Pray for those who are still from the pain caused by myself or others in the past, rather that use the pain they have caused me as justification for my own anger and resentment
..........................and the wisdom to know the difference
- Understand that God gave me 2 ears and 1 mouth intentionally – therefore use these tools in the same proportions that they are given to me
- Acknowledge that I do not own nor am I responsible for the decisions of someone else, no matter how much I love the person or dislike their behavior
- Recognize that I still have work to do around this whole ‘wisdom’ thing - Recognizing the appropriate reaction does not mean I am yet capable of always making that appropriate reaction.
This is indeed the challenge for all of us, isn’t it? Wisdom in hindsight is easy – we all have it:
- I wish I would not have….
- What was I thinking when….
- I am sorry that I…..
GET BUSY LIVIN’ OR GET BUSY DYIN’
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