TMI Tuesday #189 - Dating edition

1. What was the last movie you saw on a date?

• KAHUNA - Babushka and I tend to watch movies as 'at home' dates - Theaters tend to be with kids. The last I recall is Vicky Christine Barcelona (and it was dreadful)
  

2. What was the last meal you had on a date?

• KAHUNA - That would be Sunday Brunch at the St. Paul Hotel last weekend
  

3. When was the last time you made out in the car on a date? More?

• KAHUNA - Babushka and I 'make out' per se in the car quite a bit. She did mastturbate for me in the car last weekend as well (It was a great weekend!)
  

4. Using a dating websites do you think you are more likely to find a "hook up" or a relationship?

• KAHUNA - Neither
  

5. Do you have any special "first" date rituals? Flowers, certain restaurant, ect.

• KAHUNA - On dates, Babushka expects (and I demand) that I will always open the car door for her. That is how we differentiate a date vs. everyday together.
  

BONUS QUESTION: Do you believe in sex on the first date? Can a relationship bloom if you have sex on the first date?

• KAHUNA -Our 'official' first date was six weeks after I was separated. Truth be told we ended up having sex for the first time somewhere within that six week period. The relationship has bloomed beautifully since then.
  

Happy TMI Everyone!!

Date Weekend

Babushka and I were able to get away for the weekend. We traveled all of 20 miles from the suburbs to the big cities but it was as if we were 1000 miles away:

• No work
• No school
• No kids
• No dogs
• No exes

And no excuses to not experience a few new things, such as:

• Phantom of the Opera
• 5-Star Hotel
• 5-Star Restaurant
• Top-Rated Gentleman's Club
• Kama Sutra Body Souffle
• Non-toxic Butt Plug

It was a wonderfully intimate and romantic yet naughty time together. I have to admit what I will remember most favorably is the look on Babushka's face as she received her first lap dance..........an expression of joy with her grin a mile wide and one word - WOW!

We are both blessed to have found one another and love each other

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
Pretty good weekend if I do say so myself

May..........."May you what?"

It feels like forever since blogging was a significant part of my life. It is one of the many things that has changed in the last few months, since Babushka and I became one family. Between the chaos of three teenagers, school and a computer hard-drive failure, there has been little time to blog and no time to participate in TMI/HNT. I still swing by and read when I can , trying to keep up with the adventures of D, V, VK, B and G to name a few. These are ladies I truly admire and try my best to read even if I cannot comment.

I have been a bit overwhelmed with work and life lately. I was reflecting with Babushka about this and how I was in a way missing the 'good ol' days'. Going from daily dating to a true life together is so much different...so much more work. It can be scary to open up completely all of who you are with someone else. When other insecurities about jobs and kids and ex-wives come into play a mind can play tricks on oneself. One (like me) can become concerned that the challenges of life life will make the most beautiful woman you have ever met finally wake up and question if this is really what she wants out of life.

One of the best things about our relationship is that during these times of internal strife I can talk to Babushka about them and she does not judge me or immediately jump to a conclusion that I am unhappy with her. Like any man in love, I want my Babushka to have only good, no bad....only joy, no sorrow...only peace, no strife. I can pressure my self into thinking that I have failed if I do not deliver all of these things.

Then I get an email from her that simply reminds me............

• Why I fell in love with her
• Why I am still madly in love with her
• Why I anticipate every kiss from her
• Why her every smile lifts my heart
• Why I look forward to marrying her (once I get the courage to ask)
  
• Why I am at ease knowing I will die by her side (many, many years from now)

Sometimes when 'life' gets busy, we can lose sight of our blessings. As I close my office door and wipe the tears from my face, I am once again reminded how the joy she has given me is much greater than any I have ever felt or likely deserved.

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
I Love You Babushka :-)

April is the cruellest month - T.S. Eliot

I have no idea what that means but it has been a month of intensity, which in turn has led to no blogging. Babushka and I are settling into our new life with the three kids and puppy from hell (I love him but he is just in that "chew everything to shreds" stage).

There have been many challenges over the last month as we become a family unit. Living in the same home full time is different then "staying at each others' house all the time". For those who know - you cannot describe it until you do it. Babushka and I have had a couple times where we have been less than thrilled with each other for one reason or another (like my being appalled over the fact that middle son had eaten ALL the hot dog buns - Call the cops!). We have done a great job (IMHO) of treating each other with respect and consideration given all the stresses going on.

What I am aware of is the fact that my life is busy, much busier than perhaps my lovely Babushka had been ready for. With 50+ hours of work, MBA class and homework, teenagers to shuttle to and from events, recovery meetings to attend, meeting with my sponsor and the people I sponsor in recovery - it can lead to less time for my beautiful babushka than I would wish.

I had to call her today and let her know how much I appreciate her for who she is and what she means to me. We have a beautiful house with fun neighbors and a life I always dreamed of.


Without Babushka none of this would be of value - I love you sweetie.

What exactly do I "control"?

Life keeps reminding me that the answer to that is usually "not as much as you think" and then when I understand that the more detailed answer is "even less than that".

Working from home today as I had a bit of a headache. Long week/weekend with ups and downs but many reminders of my powerlessness over others behaviors and reactions. Hell, I seem to be powerlessness over my own behaviors and reactions too often.

I have really tried to keep this a place where I don't participate in the too often seen on other blogs "My ex-wife is a bitch" rant. All situations have differing viewpoints and one is never the gospel truth over the other. I am just tired of always getting new correspondence from her atty to mine about things she could have simply asked me about or are just not reasonable. The latest being a dispute over $340 from last September (School supplies) that she now implies means that I am late in my support payments and she is going to claim both kids on her taxes, even though the decree says we split them and I have already filed my taxes. Saying this will gain her $3,000 on her filing and invalidate mine, she has said we can avoid the whole thing if I just pay her $3,000 - What The Fuck!

• She gets 50% of my net income plus all of her income and I have paid her early every month
• She gets 40% of any annual bonus I were ever to get while she keeps 100% of hers
• She kept the house (that could not be sold) and EVERY SINGLE ITEM in the house that is mortgaged in my name alone
• I pay 1/2 the association fee and external maintenance on a house I do not live at
• She kept the newer car that had the loan in my name alone
• I pay 1/2 of all activity fees and 2/3 of all medical bills
• I paid 70% of my income during the 2+ years we were separated so that all the home bills were paid while I lived in a basement with no windows.

I have always paid on time (before time) and still paid for haircuts and clothes for the kids because she tells them to ask me to. I look at some of the ex-husbands on some of the blogs I read like Shibari or deadbeat fathers like Babushka had to deal with. I am not looking for a medal just a realization for PB that I am doing my part with our kids and with her.

I have admitted 100 times over that I was not the greatest husband and apologized over and over. I have accepted my part but left because of an inability to forgive me - I get that and can live with that.

But when is it enough - when is it that PB will finally be able to move on and no longer feel the need to make sure "I don't get away with hurting her"

I do not control that, but I fear that day will never come. I do not like what this does to the kids or to Babushka, but I cannot drop to her level - they need a role model and so do I.

Glad I have role models that walk through tough times with dignity and grace.

I love you Babushka!! Thanks for being such a wonderful role model

Life Continues Without Us...

Babushka and I are in our new house going on two weeks now and finally are fully-internet-functional. While there are many wonderful updates to write about I was touched by two recent posts I read today by a couple of bloggers we follow who I wanted to catch up on.

Dana posted Sunday about a secret of hers that must have elicited some unflattering comments. This prompted our favorite Biscuit to express her support and disclose her own past struggles. The correspondence and support have continued in a manner that shows the absolute best in people. It caused me to reflect on the happiness I now have within me and who I am today, as this was not the way it always was.

This blog started as I was beginning the walk away from the years of shame I lived. Dana's secret spoke to me at a number of personal levels - not just the inner pain we feel but the insanity around how others 'interpret' what we do or why we do it - the intensity of shame. The absolute frustration when those who are supposed to love you JUST DON"T GET IT!

I used alcohol and pornography to escape my shame, yet every time I did either my shame just grew. The immediate short-term relief of self came at a cost - breaking the bounds of my own morality. A loss of morality that led me to break commandments and then struggle to justify those decisions and finally go back to the medicating activity that caused me so much emotional harm, just to help me forget that my justifications did not stand up to the light.

I am blessed today with a life that has something that I once did not have - Hope. Hope that I could be loved by others and worthy of love by myself. I was told many years ago in therapy that until I had hope that I would continue to struggle, and I did.

I am neither promoting and decisions for others or pretending to know what the 'right answer' is for them. I simply read those posts and it brought back to me (in the middle of my office) the agony I used to live with every day.

Anyone who has lived with this knows that anyone will do nearly anything to stop feeling that loneliness. Those who have never felt it will never understand.

Moving but not getting anywhere

That is how it feels - at least regarding the internet. After 3 appointments with the cable company we finally had to move on to plan B - Dish Network and DSL.

Hopefully by Thursday Babushka and I will be back and rearing to go - We are enjoying the house!!!