Deja Vu all over again

My last post was right when my relapse started.......one night when I could no longer take the arguments, the profanity, the disrespect that are my parents' relationship. I drank one night.......then told myself it would only be once........that I did not need to tell anyone.........just this once........that's what every alcoholic tells themself to justify their decision........because it would only be JUST THIS ONCE!!!

Fast forward to the end of April - drinking almost every day this last week. Lying to my dear Babushka's face about it, even though she already knew. Amazing how alcoholics think.....when we are not strong on our recovery we are bound to our secrets to the bitter end.....it is a sad way to live.

Last night was my bottom. For the first time in my years on this earth I understood why someone would willingly end their life. That feeling of hopelessness - pissing away everything you have ever wanted just to satisfy that urge to drink something you do not even want to drink but do anyway, because it is the easier, softer way. Wife would be better off; kids would be better off; everyone would be better off if you were just not around anymore to hurt them. The ultimate in alcoholic selfishness.

The cold rain of this Saturday morning is appropriate indeed. Babushka sits no more that 2 feet from me - typing away to find a release for all of her anger and disappointment in me. All the happy times chronicled in this blog a distant memory. In its' place the deafening silence, utter and complete lack of trust and all of the internal grunge that bubbles to the surface.

How does one get back the life we once had - the trust; the joy; that carefree feeling that comes with unconditional love? Sadly we do not..........We can get back some of that, even much of that but once it is lost once it never completely returns. There is forever the little doubt in the back of their mind. There is always that tiny bit of apprehension and guarding of her heart to protect from being hurt again. It is what it is and will be what it will be. I as an alcoholic have made this bed and the consequences that result are mine to accept.

"We were powerless over alcohol, and our life had become unmanageable" - Guilty as charged. Today is the first day back up that steep hill that I thought I would never have to truly scale again. Humility and Humiliation - Hope yet Demoralization. These have taken the place of the happiness, joyousness and freedom that sobriety and recovery had blessed me with.

This is a journey back in time - I am once again who I once was many years ago: isolated, dishonest; fearful; angry and ultimately alone. Of those, today I work on the isolation - discussions with other alcoholics and obtaining a sponsor that I will speak with daily, not once every other week. Monday will be the call to schedule an intake assessment. From there only God knows what is in store. That is no longer my concern.

In all likelihood I will end this blog and begin a new one - one that I can journal in daily. One that will help in regaining my path in recovery. A new path; a different path. The path chronicled in this blog is gone - sacrificed to a bottle of Windsor and weak spirit. I miss the life chronicled in this blog - it represents the happiest times in my life. It represents the man I became; the man I always wanted to be. The man I no longer am...........

I got Busy Livin' ........... but ultimately got Busy Dyin' I will mourn my loss of this life and always look back upon it with fondness and pride.

"Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"

• I did love - beyond my wildest imagination
• I then lost it to selfishness, complacency and resentment

Now I start over again.......................................................................

Life Continues Without Us...

Babushka and I are in our new house going on two weeks now and finally are fully-internet-functional. While there are many wonderful updates to write about I was touched by two recent posts I read today by a couple of bloggers we follow who I wanted to catch up on.

Dana posted Sunday about a secret of hers that must have elicited some unflattering comments. This prompted our favorite Biscuit to express her support and disclose her own past struggles. The correspondence and support have continued in a manner that shows the absolute best in people. It caused me to reflect on the happiness I now have within me and who I am today, as this was not the way it always was.

This blog started as I was beginning the walk away from the years of shame I lived. Dana's secret spoke to me at a number of personal levels - not just the inner pain we feel but the insanity around how others 'interpret' what we do or why we do it - the intensity of shame. The absolute frustration when those who are supposed to love you JUST DON"T GET IT!

I used alcohol and pornography to escape my shame, yet every time I did either my shame just grew. The immediate short-term relief of self came at a cost - breaking the bounds of my own morality. A loss of morality that led me to break commandments and then struggle to justify those decisions and finally go back to the medicating activity that caused me so much emotional harm, just to help me forget that my justifications did not stand up to the light.

I am blessed today with a life that has something that I once did not have - Hope. Hope that I could be loved by others and worthy of love by myself. I was told many years ago in therapy that until I had hope that I would continue to struggle, and I did.

I am neither promoting and decisions for others or pretending to know what the 'right answer' is for them. I simply read those posts and it brought back to me (in the middle of my office) the agony I used to live with every day.

Anyone who has lived with this knows that anyone will do nearly anything to stop feeling that loneliness. Those who have never felt it will never understand.

Things just aren't that bad

Last night, Kahuna and I finally got to spend some time together. This, that and the other thing have kept us apart far too much this week. I feel like I keep jinxing us by thinking or saying that things cannot get worse and are going to get better.

Sunday we found out my niece, Peanut (11), lost a friend to meningitis. There was now panic that it was the "bad one" and my sister's family may have to be treated because the kids had just played together recently, plus my mom and BuddyLuv were at my sisters house on Saturday. Which, by extension, means we ALL may need to be treated. It was not the "bad one" and if the hospital would have taken her seriously the first time she was brought in, she would not have passed. Instead, they had to take her in a second time at which point she was air-vacced to another hospital where she passed.

Monday I had to take BuddyLuv to the Dr because he has pneumonia and is not getting any better. His cough was so bad, they thought he had whooping cough. He does not.

Monday I was told by a man at work that I cause him to feel a little something something and that I shouldn't dress as nice as I do because I don't want to get raped. Yep, thats what he said. . . Just a week ago, I had mentioned to co workers when we were out for dinner that he made me uncomfortable. Come to find out, he has made others uncomfortable. He just never crossed that line with them.

Kahuna was here for me, exactly how I needed him to be.

Tuesday I had to deal with the aftermath of Monday's incident. I faced him with supervisor/director present and told him what line he had crossed and how his "compliment" affected me.

Tuesday my niece, Princess, was tested for cancer. Though they do not know what the growth is on her bone, it is not cancer.

Tuesday BuddyLuv, Kahuna and I had to go to orientation. It is funny how they "ask" for a donation to cover things like the planners that are handed out and such. Then the teacher remarks that she will be following up with parents who forget to send in the donation. Huh? Then again, this is the same teacher who advised the kids to put their locker combination inside their lockers in case they forget the combination. BuddyLuv has the same dang English teacher he had last year. The same teacher we STRUGGLED with all year long. The same teacher I had to contact the principal about!

Kahuna and I just disconnected. It was terrible and it was icky. I was sure something was "different" with or bothering Kahuna. I could feel it in my gut. I was wrong, at that moment. I guess you could say it was more a feeling of what was to come.

Wednesday Kahuna was already irritated because of having to fight with PB about September bills. Then we exchanged emails not of our character, showing our disconnect. He had to meet PB at the cable company to have his name taken off it. That night, we were the most disconnected we have ever been. It hurt.

Thursday Kahuna and I do not start the day off if a good place, make things worse by being too direct, deal with PB and more crap that she has pulled. . .

Then, Thursday night, Kahuna goes to work out, goes to an AA meeting and comes over. The instant he walks in the door, things are better. . . for both of us. . . I hold him, he holds me. I kiss him, he kisses me. BuddyLuv shouts out that he can hear us kissing. We talked about things a little bit.

I wish I could remember the exact verbiage we used. But, basically, we agreed that:

Things are just not right when we are not together.
And, things just aren't that bad when we are.

This morning, I feel like I have my Kahuna back. And, I hope he feels like he has his Babushka back.

Get Busy Livin or Get Busy Dyin. . .
This is it, this is life, and we are living!

The power of truth and honesty

It has been a beautiful week again.

It has been a week filled with the continued saga that is Kahuna's seemingly never ending divorce. She found a way to stop her PB foot to try and extort more $$ by demanding more that is in no way connected to the divorce precedings and threatening to NOT sign the already agreed upon documents unless she get it.

It has been a week filled will challenges and memories surrounding out sobriety in the form of haunting dreams and my momentary guilt that I was not there to hold him through the dreams. That guilt soon turned into pride. He was ok. Kahuna had a rough night, but knew I was there even if I was not.

It has been a week filled with health concerns in the form of BuddyLuv being 4 hours away and having pnemonia. My princess niece (9) (not to be confused with PB) broke her leg which has lead to the finding of a "growth" on her bone that must be tested this coming week.

It has been filled with sex! Wonderful, body rocking sex! Toys! Intimace! Fucking! Love making!

It has been filled with beautiful, special, quiet, intimate moments. Moments when we danced to no music at all in the kitchen. Moments where we had difficult scary, raw, emotional discussions, exposing dreams and fears, being vulnerable and growing even closer than we have ever been. Moments that made me remember that we are not "waiting" for us to begin. We are here and now.


Get busy livin or get busy dyin?
We are living the life we are given, not waiting for the life that may or may not ever be!

Sans TMI Tuesday....

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Night number one

Hi!

So, life is so wonderful and beautiful, if it weren't for that one little thing. . . sleep. Friday night I was bound and determined that I was going to fall to sleep on my own. I was up until 2am. I know I drifted a bit. But, I never really went to sleep. Finally, I went and took 2 (regular dose) of the allergy pills that make you drowsey.

Saturday night I was exhausted. I gave in early and took two.

Sunday night Kahuna was here. While I was on the phone, Kahuna gave my wet pussy a massage. I hung up and came. I was literally sitting on the edge of the bed by the time I was squirling away from Kahuna who wanted to keep going. As I described a kiss and what can become of it, we made beautiful, intimate love. I went down and brought Kahuna to orgasm. I know I drifted again, but did not go to sleep. About 1am, Kahuna and I talked about it. I DID NOT take the allergy pills. It took a while longer. But, I did fall to sleep.

Tonight Kahuna has the chance to be here again. So, I will try for night number two!