Deja Vu all over again

My last post was right when my relapse started.......one night when I could no longer take the arguments, the profanity, the disrespect that are my parents' relationship. I drank one night.......then told myself it would only be once........that I did not need to tell anyone.........just this once........that's what every alcoholic tells themself to justify their decision........because it would only be JUST THIS ONCE!!!

Fast forward to the end of April - drinking almost every day this last week. Lying to my dear Babushka's face about it, even though she already knew. Amazing how alcoholics think.....when we are not strong on our recovery we are bound to our secrets to the bitter end.....it is a sad way to live.

Last night was my bottom. For the first time in my years on this earth I understood why someone would willingly end their life. That feeling of hopelessness - pissing away everything you have ever wanted just to satisfy that urge to drink something you do not even want to drink but do anyway, because it is the easier, softer way. Wife would be better off; kids would be better off; everyone would be better off if you were just not around anymore to hurt them. The ultimate in alcoholic selfishness.

The cold rain of this Saturday morning is appropriate indeed. Babushka sits no more that 2 feet from me - typing away to find a release for all of her anger and disappointment in me. All the happy times chronicled in this blog a distant memory. In its' place the deafening silence, utter and complete lack of trust and all of the internal grunge that bubbles to the surface.

How does one get back the life we once had - the trust; the joy; that carefree feeling that comes with unconditional love? Sadly we do not..........We can get back some of that, even much of that but once it is lost once it never completely returns. There is forever the little doubt in the back of their mind. There is always that tiny bit of apprehension and guarding of her heart to protect from being hurt again. It is what it is and will be what it will be. I as an alcoholic have made this bed and the consequences that result are mine to accept.

"We were powerless over alcohol, and our life had become unmanageable" - Guilty as charged. Today is the first day back up that steep hill that I thought I would never have to truly scale again. Humility and Humiliation - Hope yet Demoralization. These have taken the place of the happiness, joyousness and freedom that sobriety and recovery had blessed me with.

This is a journey back in time - I am once again who I once was many years ago: isolated, dishonest; fearful; angry and ultimately alone. Of those, today I work on the isolation - discussions with other alcoholics and obtaining a sponsor that I will speak with daily, not once every other week. Monday will be the call to schedule an intake assessment. From there only God knows what is in store. That is no longer my concern.

In all likelihood I will end this blog and begin a new one - one that I can journal in daily. One that will help in regaining my path in recovery. A new path; a different path. The path chronicled in this blog is gone - sacrificed to a bottle of Windsor and weak spirit. I miss the life chronicled in this blog - it represents the happiest times in my life. It represents the man I became; the man I always wanted to be. The man I no longer am...........

I got Busy Livin' ........... but ultimately got Busy Dyin' I will mourn my loss of this life and always look back upon it with fondness and pride.

"Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"

• I did love - beyond my wildest imagination
• I then lost it to selfishness, complacency and resentment

Now I start over again.......................................................................

The Holiday Season....

....is finally over (hooray for a humbug like me), although it has been an odd holiday season indeed.

Spent with my parents, rather than my Babushka and our brood. Although we were able to skype it was just not the same. I admit I do not miss the pressure of a tree or the decorations or the chaos, but being back with just my parents makes me realize I do miss all of what Babushka and her family have brought to my life. THEY DRIVE ME FUCKING NUTS!!!

I am soooo glad they live 3,000 miles away. I love them but we get along so much better over the phone.

I get to leave sometime this week - then I can at least get back and focus on the confusion I seem to feel around Babushka.

FUCK THEY ARE HOVERING AGAIN - GAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Sometimes you are the bug.....

That is how life feels right now. I am in the lone star state, tending to my mother who just started her cancer treatments. I am with my parents, whose dysfunction is on display every day I am here.

I left behind a wife with a fractured kneecap, whose sister is now being diagnosed with cancer. A wife I miss dearly but am afraid she would be better off with someone who can be there for her.

I left behind a blended family that was just beginning to gel, but is now becoming distant again.

I had a sexual life I thought could get no better, yet now it seems so long ago that it was healthy.

I am tired and I am lonely......life seems to be less about livin' and more about not dyin' a day at a time. I am sad about where life seems today and it feels so far from where it once was.

I may be simply whining, but I miss where I was just a few months ago and fear what 2011 is planning to bring.

Twice as nice........

Not really,

I never thought that life would get this difficult.

I do not regret a single moment, but there have been times in the last 2 months that I just do not understand what God has in mind for me:

• 2 child surgeries
• 2 automotive investments
• 1 mother with Cancer
• 1 father who cannot face the truth
• 1 wife with a fractured kneecap
• 1 ex-wife who is just an ex-wife
• 3 teenage kids who do not realize the world does not revolve around them

I am simply tired.......of living for today at least :-)

I love all of you who help me get through one day at a time

Forgive me father far it has been 4 months since my last confession...

Kahuna has not felt much like blogging.....simply due to the fact I do not know what to blog about. Babushka and I are doing very well. The three teens are keeping us on our toes (to say the least).

From a sexual standpoint we are enjoying ourselves. Babushka has started to enjoy taking the lead, as in taking on a mistress role. This has been a big step for her, being in control. In her previous relationships, her needs and desires were certainly secondary. Before now she was submissive and not because she wanted to be.

It was a big step for her to try to be in charge. I am so proud of my Babushka that she could overcome her fears and allow me to be her slut once in a while.....happily it occurs with much more regularity now.

As she sits and laughs at me for something random we were joking about with our middle son, I am so grateful that she is in my life. I love my Babushka so much.


Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
Four years tomorrow and going strong!!!!

Mid-Blog Crisis

Seems that is where I sit today. In looking at my last few entries it seems to me that I am trying way too hard to "sexualize" my entries. Not that there is anything wrong with writing about these activities but it does seem to narrow the scope and content of the blog and what it represents, although I do not believe I can even answer that right now. Given that, my thoughts will likely ramble.

Point in case - I am struggling with being out of school. All the while I was there I was looking forward to the day it would end, which was April. I miss the weekly discipline of going to class and interacting with my classmates. As much as I was looking forward to being done now I am left with "now what". My beautiful Babushka is going back to school (which I am so happy about) bit it is weird not having class..........Now what do I do other than watch over the kids (like that is not a job)

Another Year Older and Deeper In.......

Kahuna turned another page in the chapter of life yesterday. It does amaze me the 44 is so much better than 34 was and a damn sight better than 24.

Babushka was her always wonderful self: Surprise birthday lunch at the office; Surprise birthday song at Bootcamp; Surprise buster bar ice cream cake with family; Surprise lingerie on (her) and hot anal sex as a bit of frosting on the cake!! This was in fact the 4th straight evening of phenomenal sex, which included a little light bondage and blindfolding one evening and many orgasms for us both.

It does amaze me how my life has changed in my 40's. The end of my 30's found me at a crossroads in my life and the starting of this blog. Confused about my sexuality and spirituality and battling my addictions to porn and alcohol - making progress but never able to fully overcome.

Today my life is so much more than it was - most days joyful, some days painful and every day engaged in the world around. Each day is a new opportunity to succeed (or fail) independent from the day before. And each day is spent with my lovely Babushka, whom was the answer to the midnight dreams that accompanied my previous life. She is still the apple of my eye whom I adore more each day. All this and a wife who 'asks' to suck my cock when she is restless, as making me cum helps her fall asleep.

All I know is my 40's Rock!!!

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'

Deja Vu all over again

For the second time I will be walking down a commencement aisle - Kahuna is done with school!!! This is an exciting time for both Babushka and I - for the first time since we have been together I will not have to spend three nights and most weekends doing homework.

Babushka's choice of how to congratulate the accomplishment: A blowjob for me from her girlfriend Gigi in the back seat while Babushka drives, continually looking in the rear view mirror and letting us know we need to be louder. My folks will be coming to town next month for the commencement ceremony. Babushka is apparently planning a party. To say I am a lucky man is indeed an understatement.

It is nice to have my nights and weekends back, but it again makes me wonder what will this blog become. Is is a couples relationship blog, a sex blog or a current events blog. Guess it will be what it will be as I get busy livin'.

When is their's ours?

So I mentioned my Babushka has a girlfriend - Gigi. They have a great time together, both best friends and lovers. They have a connection that special, and one that I have occasionally found myself inadequate. No reason mind you, my Babushka is always reminding me that I am 'happily ever after'. Through one of these times of insecurity, Babushka agreed to include me in fun.

A couple weeks ago my Babushka surprised me with a much needed night away. Between work and school I have been stressed. A whirlpool room, where she ran me a bath and told me to relax, closing the door. 10 minutes later she opened the door, and there she stood with her Gigi - One in a new camisole and the other in garter and hose. The next 24 hours were rockin'.

This is not the first time the three of us have been together, but I do not see this as a true menage. I am invited on occasions to join their fun. But as enjoyable as that is (and it always is) I do have a sense that I do not rightly belong.

This was supposed to be hers, not ours
This was supposed to be theirs, not ours

To each their own

I was reading Vixen and PC's blog BEV as they journey along the discussion of cuckolding. Although it has not been something that necessarily 'floats my boat', I have been thinking about the similarities and differences between cuckolding and what Babushka and I share; her girlfriend.

Babushka and her girlfriend (and I) have experienced an extremely interesting 2009. I encouraged Babushka to pursue her 'interest' in women. Not coincidentally, her BFF Gigi started to flirt above and beyond the typical girlfriends flirt. I encouraged her to see where this would lead.

It eventually led to a weekend trip with another non-BFF gal. I wrote them a lovely, sexual story for them to share. Babushka and Gigi had their first Girl/Girl time together, covering the others mouth when orgasm approached as to not wake up the very homophobic non-BFF in the queen bed next to them.

As for me, I experienced something that weekend I had never truly felt before - jealousy. I was well read on the pitfalls of many a man encouraging his wife to explore an experience only to act like an ass as soon as it happened. I was determined that would not be me, and although I was not an ass per se, I did feel a sense of insecurity I was absolutely sure beforehand I would not.

That was last summer, and many a twist and turn has occurred since then, which will evolve on these pages.

Get Busy Livin' - and Happy Valentines Day!!

H1N1 HNT......

........is something nobody really wants to see.

I have a butt-load of homework this week for class, so of course I come here to avoid it at least for a few more minutes. The snow continues to fall as I continue to procrastinate.

So last night I come home early from night school because my lovely Babushka is still sick. She wants to lay her head on my chest and cry. We go to bed, watch a little news while she lays against me. She starts to play with my cock, rubbing it and touching it lightly. She feels it grow and slowly slides down to give me head......

Should I stop her? I mean she has been sick for three days and still feels horrible. She knows what I am thinking. "It will help me feel better" she tells me.

So am I selfish or selfless that I let her continue?

Lucky - That's what I am :-)

Four months and counting

Since I last posted.....Between the new family, the holidays, work, school and life - whew!!

H1N1 has run rampant in the house, with 2 trips to the ER in 10 days (first myself and then Babushka last night). I was a skeptic but put me in the converted category - it is brutal!!

Taking care of my Babushka today gives me a little time to reflect. Being married 6 months now has been absolutely wonderful and also eye-opening. No matter how much two people love each other life, and relationships are hard work. How rewarding it is though, when two people work through a challenging item with respect and dignity for each other - even in the midst of a disagreement.

I look forward to being regular again once school is finally over in 82 days (but who is counting). There is lots to talk about, including a girlfriend for my lovely Babushka!

Gotta run - hope 2010 is well and Get Busy Livin!!

My, how things have changed :-(

I remember thinking "Once Babushka and I are in the same house we will finally be able to participate in HNT every week". Yeah-Right!!

We now are not only in the same house but are man and wife raising 3 kids and 2 dogs while working and going to school. Days into months mush together and now with fall here the calendar fills with school, sports, debate, holidays and the like.

I remember now what being married is like......although let me clarify that being I am happily married rather than what my last marriage was. I love my Babushka in a way that I never dreamed possible and am loved in turn by her the same. But real life is work - much different than 'staying over at each others house every other night'.

Which gets to our blog....one of the guilty pleasures that has been pushed to the back of the line. I read a few here and there - not sure about my lovely bride. We certainly do not participate as we thought we would. My office now blocks nearly every blog now so midday blog-surfing over lunch is a tyhing of the past. I miss our blogging, our joint TMI's and our HNT's.

Temporarily gone but not forgotten

We are busy livin' and for that I am greatful!!

TMI Tuesday #206

1. Have you used put anything edible on (or in) your partner's body and then eaten it?
No I have not but have wondered what it would be like to slide a peeled banana into Babushka and.....

2. Have you ever had an AIDS test due to reasonable suspicion or hyperactive imagination?
Regrettibly Yes, after disclosing an affair to my ex-wife.

3. Have you ever fantasized about someone else other than your partner while you were engaged in sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
Actually Babushka and I fantasized about her girlfriend together last night during sex, oral sex and masturbation!!

4. Have you ever engaged in sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation while in a moving car? A car being driven by someone not engaged in the sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
No, Yes and Yes.

5. Have you ever had sex so many times or for so long that one or both people involved runs dry?
Gladly yes - Babushka and I will get to the point where we are both sore but extatic

Bonus (as in optional): Name 5 things an unplanned (or planned) visitor would find in your bedroom?
1. Lubricant
2. Vibrators
3. Blindfold
4. Butt Plug
5. Laundry :-)

TMI Tuesday #201

1. Do you have "your" side of the bed? Which side?
Babushka and I each have our 'side' but that is misleading. Babushka will not go to sleep until she is spooned next to me on my side. I always joke that I truly only have the last 18 inches of the bed but when it is a nekkid Babushka on the other side who can complain?

2. How old is your pillow and what condition is it in?
We just bought new allergent-free pillows about 6 months ago so we are in good shape.

3. What is your favorite position to sleep in?
I usually will go from back to stomach then finally on my left side with Babushka pressed tight against my butt

4. How often do you change your sheets?
Not as often as we should probably - every month or so I guess.

5. What helps you fall asleep when insomnia strikes?
Blowjob (Babushka can stop laughing now) - Two ibuprofen or a sudafed work as well.

6. Does sex make you sleepy or energized?
Both - Depends on the time of day

7. What is the minimum amount of sleep that you need to be functional the next day.
I function best on about six to seven hours of sleep. Eight hours makes me sleepy throughout the day

Bonus (as in optional):Describe your most vivid dream.
This is a bad question for me - I seem to always forget my dreams when I wake up. The one I remember is about a week after Babushka and I were married - I was mad that some guy was sitting in my computer chair preventing me from drafting my fantasy football team so I smacked him. Unfortunately I smacked my Babushka right in the nose :-(. Our firs week of marriage was me stepping on babushka's foot and breaking her tow in two places followed by the smack to the nose.

I am sure lucky she really loves me.

What is the best part of a Saturday??

Getting home at 10:00am from a great recovery meeting to your wife wanting to have sex.........................then after she has 3 straight orally-induced orgasms you lay a sheet over her so she can rest and doze off.

It feels so rewarding!!!!!!!

I love my wife, my lovely Babushka

TMI Tuesday #200 (Happy Anniversary!!)

1. What is the longest you have been in a monogamous sexual relationship? [For the purpose of this question monogamous is defined as no sexual partners that your significant other does (did) not know about.]
Based on the description above that would be my lovely Babushka

2. If your current relationship would fail, do you have a back-up for physical or emotional comfort?
Back-up what? If this is another woman to take my Babushka's place than no I do not. I do have our kids and friends who would be able to fill much of the comfort role. i am blessed in that way.

3. Can you be "just friends" with someone when there is an unrequited sexual attraction?
Babushka and I were "work" friends for a period of time where we both were aware of feelings toward one another. We kept those feelings 'unrequited', as I was married at that time and neither of us wanted anything like a hookup or affair. Once I was separated I did not wait very long to ask her out on a date and the rest is beautiful history.

4. In a assumed monogamous sexual relationship have you ever cheated, been cheated upon or been a knowing third party to the infidelity? [For the purpose of this question monogamous is defined as no sexual partners that a significant other does (did) not know about.]
I had two affairs while I was married to my former wife and she eventually found out about both. The first one was immediately after our wedding and the other was at about the 9 year mark of our 17 yrs. Both women I had these affairs with were married as well and to my knowledge their husbands' never knew. Tough to read this - certainly nothing to be proud of.

5. Historically, what has caused the most arguments in your relationships?
Historically it would be sex and money. Babushka and I tend to not have really arguments about “things” – instead we discussions around how a decisions or action by one of us makes the other feel or what old wounds it triggers in us.

Bonus (as in optional):What do you want from a partner in a long term relationship?
What I already have in Babushka.

TMI #198 - Relationships

1. Family is Dysfunctional but necessary.

2. Friends are Occasional but necessary.

3. Exes are good at being a big pain in the ass (OK - that is just my personal rant).

4. Strangers are friends we have not met yet (OK - this response even makes me ill but it was all I could think of).

5. Relationships work best when respect is mutual.

Bonus: Tell us about your first love:
Pretty Standard Fare:
1st Girlfriend - both 14 years old - 2 years long - My 1st kisses and 1st "touches"
Seems pretty tame by today's standards but it still warms my heart when I think of it..........just like my Babushka!!

TMI Tuesday #197 - Nonsexual Edition

1. The three words that best describe you are Supportive, Polite, and Funny.

2. The three words that best describe your life are Joyful, Fulfilling, and Overdue.

3. Your three guilty pleasures are Pistachios, Ice Cream, and Kisses from my wife.

4. The three places you would like to visit before you die are Greece, Key West, and Maine.

5. The three things you would like to do before you die are Travel to Greece with Babushka on my 50th Birthday, Watch my 3 kids graduate, and Celebrate my 20th Anniversary with my Babushka.

Happy TMI Tuesday Everyone!!!!!!!!

The Bet - Part 1

"Pull your cock out" were the first words out of her mouth

As I looked out the windows of the Saab 9-7 I was suddenly struck by the number of other commuters that surrounded us. The clear view I had of their grooming habits and musical preferences, along with the cool breeze, reminded me that our windows and sun roof were open.

"I'm waiting!"

She was unmoved as I explained to her that I was in the middle of driving our SUV down a busy freeway. She was equally unimpressed as I reminded her that driving is not my greatest skill-set, even at my most attentive.

"Stop stalling - I won the bet and I get 24 hours of you doing anything I tell you to do. That time started as soon as you got in the car. Now pull that beautiful cock out!!"

Her smile was ever-present and as intoxicating as the day I first saw her. Time and marriage have not changed my admiration of her beauty not my desire to please her. My mind drifted to the many wonderful memories of our life together, including the little bets we like to make with one another. While we quickly forget what the bet was on we always remember the resulting payoff.

In this instance, the payoff was my beautiful wife allowing her mind to run wild and letting her libido be free of restraint. Right now that libido was demanding the release of my cock from its comfy confines.

As one hand guided the Saab down the road, my other hand unzipped my tan cargo shorts and pulled my hardening cock out for all to see - anyone above our sunroof anyway.

"And your balls, pull them out too.......That's a very good boy"

She leaned over in the seat and slid my cock in her warm mouth, licking the underside of the helmet and gently rubbing my balls. She has always know my weaknesses and today she was going straight to them.

My eyes closed in pleasure until I realized I was still driving. As I tried my best to regain my composure she took the length of my cock until I felt my head touch the back of her throat. Looking out the side window I saw a man smiling and looking in as he drove by. I realized that I was now driving 15 miles under the speed limit and swerving like a frat boy after homecoming.

As she lifted her head slowly off my crotch, my glistening wet cock was at full attention. With her lips hovering over it, she drooled over the head and smiled as her spit dripped down each side.

"Stroke your cock....Now!"

My hand immediately dropped into my lap; my fingers encircling my hardness. As I moved up and down I felt her fingers again gently touch the underside of my scrotum and testes.

"Faster dear, stroke it faster"

As I heeded her words, I felt the beginnings of my balls tightening, a sure sign of things to come.

"Good - I feel you getting closer. Keep stroking and let me see you swell"

Her grin resembled a Cheshire Cat as the pre-cum began to ooze and my breathing became short and shallow. She then bent back over, removed my hand and ran her tongue along the slit, tasting me.

"Mmmmm - That tastes wonderful. That will do for now"

And with that statement she placed me back inside my shorts and sat back in her seat, relaxed and proud of herself.

I, on the other hand, focused back on the road in front of me and worked to regain my composure. With my horniness now in the forefront of my mind, I glanced over to her and saw what I can only describe as contentment. A confident woman; happy with where she was today and excited about the future.

The next 23 hours and 37 minutes were going to be very interesting indeed!

"...to be continued..."