The Holiday Season....

....is finally over (hooray for a humbug like me), although it has been an odd holiday season indeed.

Spent with my parents, rather than my Babushka and our brood. Although we were able to skype it was just not the same. I admit I do not miss the pressure of a tree or the decorations or the chaos, but being back with just my parents makes me realize I do miss all of what Babushka and her family have brought to my life. THEY DRIVE ME FUCKING NUTS!!!

I am soooo glad they live 3,000 miles away. I love them but we get along so much better over the phone.

I get to leave sometime this week - then I can at least get back and focus on the confusion I seem to feel around Babushka.

FUCK THEY ARE HOVERING AGAIN - GAAAAAAAAAAAH!

My, how things have changed :-(

I remember thinking "Once Babushka and I are in the same house we will finally be able to participate in HNT every week". Yeah-Right!!

We now are not only in the same house but are man and wife raising 3 kids and 2 dogs while working and going to school. Days into months mush together and now with fall here the calendar fills with school, sports, debate, holidays and the like.

I remember now what being married is like......although let me clarify that being I am happily married rather than what my last marriage was. I love my Babushka in a way that I never dreamed possible and am loved in turn by her the same. But real life is work - much different than 'staying over at each others house every other night'.

Which gets to our blog....one of the guilty pleasures that has been pushed to the back of the line. I read a few here and there - not sure about my lovely bride. We certainly do not participate as we thought we would. My office now blocks nearly every blog now so midday blog-surfing over lunch is a tyhing of the past. I miss our blogging, our joint TMI's and our HNT's.

Temporarily gone but not forgotten

We are busy livin' and for that I am greatful!!

So much to say - so little time :-)

Life is just moving at full speed! babushka sold her house (a great relief) and we need to get her moved by the end of the month. Babushka and I have an accepted purchase offer to buy a home!!

A little over two weeks ago we were stressed over being able to find a place to rent - we turned it over to our higher power (OK - my higher power / her God) and 17 days later we are buying a beautiful home. There is a 3-week period where all of us will be in my 'basement' which will be interesting - we will be a close family!!!! BuddyLuv will be changing schools sooner than we had initially planned but he seems genuinely excited about it.

We went looking at all the stuff for a new house (blinds, appliances, etc.) which was just so much fun. Then we went and looked at engagement rings, which turned into less fun. This is a delicate issue for us that I think both Babushka and I try to have humor with one another about, but there are underlying fears and expectations. I am proud of us that we do not try to ignore it when it comes up. It is an area of growth that both of us can continue to explore our feelings/viewpoints about and what has occurred in our pasts to develop the different ways we look at marriage and what things are important to one another. I am confident that together we can overcome.

You know - We have been so neglectful of our blog the last few months. I was thinking today I do miss the regular participation in TMI, HNT and other things. I was reading a few of the 'naughty meme's' that circulated this weekend and realize I also miss the sexual side of our blog as well. I am reminded of the saying 'those who talk about sex aren't having it' and perhaps the reverse is true. Through all the stuff going on, we have been active - this weekend overly active!!! We ran the gamut of oral, anal, vaginal - the only thing we did not get to include were our toys, as they are packed for the move (much to my dismay). It just amazes me how wonderful sexuality can be when it is in its proper place - not the most important but a close 2nd or 3rd!!

Look forward to life getting little more calm by late spring, but I would not trade it for anyone else's life.

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
'Just living the dream - Nick Bakay'

Remember When - Not Smothering Meant Missing Each Other

This past week, I offered to purposely NOT come down to Kahuna's this weekend. Every weekend since our first full night together, BuddyLuv and I have been down here at least one night. To show that I respect Kahuna's relationships with Dude and Pumpkin, I said we would stay away and give them some alone time. I know it is a thin line, being involved and being too involved, when it comes to situations like ours. I don't want to cross that line if I can help it at all!

Friday evening, before 7pm, BuddyLuv was already asking when we would see Kahuna, Dude, and Pumpkin again. Pumpkin was asking when they would see us again. By 7pm we had plans to meet at 10:30am the next morning.

I guess I shouldn't worry quite so much!

Remember when - Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve 2008. We were all together for the first time. I volunteered to wrap Dude's Christmas present for PB. I went downstairs. I brought it back up, completed with a bow and everything. He walked out of the bathroom. I asked if it looked ok. He took it, said it was beast, and gave me a hug. He hugged me! At 15, he hugged me!

That was a gift I never want to forget.

Harder, Harder, Harder

We have told all three children. Dude was basically silent, beyond asking if Kahuna would be living in the city Dude lives in. Pumpkin was silent. BuddyLuv. . . not so much. The intial response was a simple multiple "No" followed by goofey behavior. He did like the fact he would still have his own room and was even promised a TV in his room. The next morning, Kahuna, in his loving and wonderful ways, mentioned that he was looking forward to the possability to spending time with BuddyLuv on a daily basis. Now that they know, it is harder to be patient and thankful for today, rather than focus on dreams of the future. I just want to be with Kahuna. I just want BuddyLuv to be with Kahuna.

I am scared of the treatment I will probably receive from the mortgage company. However, there are necessary evils that must occur to help support your request for a short sale. I don't deal well with mean people. I take it very personally and often allow it to upset me. It will be hard. But, I must find the strength to get through this part.

Last night, Kahuna had conferences and the children. That meant We could not see him. Those days are becoming harder and harder. Yes, I am pmsing, I am sure. But, I was on the phone with Kahuna and shed a few tears as I shared with him how much my body hurt from doing some physical labor around the home and just wanted to cuddle up into him and go to sleep.

My birthday is coming up!I will be 33 (I think. . . 75 to 08. . . yep, 33)! For my birthday, I am so excited! I get 4 days with Kahuna! Friday night! All day Saturday (except I have to work. But, it is a short 4 hour shift. I could not pass because it is the league I normally wait on. It would be irresponsible of me NOT to be there when I can make decent money. Besides, they know it is my bday! They said they would spread the word to be extra nice to me with tips)! All day Sunday (Kahuna, before I forget, BuddyLuv has to acolyte on Sunday, will you go to church with us)! And Monday night! Hey, and technically, Tuesday, too, in the morning! YEAH!


Kahuna. . .

I know your desires to give me the world. I have them, too. I don't need the world. I need you. I know you mentioned last night that you were having a hard night accepting the details of the divorce again because of the impact on us and our finances. I have those times, too. Not because I want your money. But rather, because of the stress it causes you.

It is ok, sweetie. You made the right choices because they were the choices you made. It has all happened in this way for a reason. I accept it and am thankful. No matter the outcome, we now have the opportunity to accept it and opportity to be free to move on. That moving on means we are one step closer to our dreams. I see nothing but good in that.

I miss you!

I desire you!

I adore you!

I love you!

Get busy livin or get busy dyin. . .
This is us living.

PS I bet you thought this was going to be about sex!

Where to start

Well, where do we start?

Housing. . . The announcement:
WE ARE MOVING! I am so beyond excited! I am so beyond scared! A while back, I shared with Kahuna that I have dreamed for a while that BuddyLuv and I will be in the same city as he and his family by the beginning of the next school year. I feel it is important that this happen in the summer, not mid year. I also feel it is important that this happen THIS summer because he would have one more year in middle school to adjust before he start high school. Then he would go to HS with the same kids from start to finish.

Housing. . . The history:
For the entire time Kahuna and I have been together, I struggled back and forth. I was torn. I KNEW from day one this would happen. I prayed this would happen. But, I was also scared that this would happen. I felt that, because I have, in my opinion, been a less than good mother for most of BuddyLuv's life, I owed it to him to NEVER make him switch school districts. This was reinforced by my parent's, who held, and probably still hold, the opinion that I would be "selfish" to move BuddyLuv to a brand new school district just so that I can be with Kahuna.

Housing. . . The realities:
I have been able to talk through this with a few close friends. 1) Although this may be a rough transition for BuddyLuv, this may not be a rough transition for him. 2) He would not be the first child who is moved during middle school. 3) He may want to stay in the same school district with his friends. But, he wants someone he can think of and call DAD even more.

Housing. . . The fears:
The fears that run through my mind are:
1) The children will have a rough adjustment
2) The children will, worse yet, never adjust
3) We will end up as one of those tragic families you hear about where wonderful, non-violent children become violent and rebellious (any of the children)
4) This will damage Kahuna's relationships with his children
5) Living in sin, and God's/families' opinion and not being able to have my nieces' over, overnight, because of this choice

Housing. . . The market:
As I am sure I mentioned before, I was preyed upon when I bought my house. Preyed upon by a contractor/attorney/realtor who were all working together to dump a flipped home. It ended up being overpriced when purchased and overpriced when refinanced to keep it. Well, in today's market, that means a home value 20+% LESS than it is currently marketed at. OUCH! Our options are/were to:
1) Stay as is, living in two separate homes in two separate cities
2) Selling my home, trying to get the bank to accept a short sale
3) Keeping the home and renting it out
4) Foreclosure

I have openly entertained Option 1. It is my last choice. Option 4 is my second to last choice. We would be able to all be together. But, my credit would be ruined and that is all that I have had for all of these years. I have taken pride in the fact that I keep decent credit through the messes I have been in. I am still torn between Option 2 and Option 3.

Option 2
Negative
1) Hit to my credit, effecting it for a few years
2) The market may turn around before 2011 when the balloon payment is due
3) It will probably take a while to sell and I would not be able to rent it out while waiting for it to sell
Positive
1) This house would then be in my past
2) We would not have to deal with the risks of rentals
3) We could take our lumps and move on

Option 3
Negative
1) It is risky renting
2) I would still be responsible for the home and repairs
3) I would be financially responsible for the home if I do not have a renter
4) It would be expensive to make the necessary repairs to make the home rentable
5) Our rental choice would be more limited to budget for 3
My credit could potentially still be hurt
Positive
1) The market could turn around, renting may allow for us to break even in the end
2) My credit could potentially stay good
3) I could find good renters like the one currently in my basement and all would be fine

Wow! As I am listing these out, I have started to realize just how much risk there could be with Option 3. Yes, I could spent the 10K now to fix the place up. But, the reality is, the home would probably not regain 40K in value in 3 years. Therefore, we would need to do a short sale/foreclosure 3 years from now anyway. Plus, we would be out the money put into it just to make it rentable, plus, that means I risk my credit being affected for 3-7 years after 2011! Plus, who knows if banks will be as open to short sales then like many are being forced to be now. If I do and can do a short sale now, the credit hit would be over by the time the balloon payment is due.

Housing. . . The dream:
I know this probably sounds negative. There is a lot to think about, and a lot running through my mind. But, in the end, at the end of the day, the only thing that truly matters is that we will all be together. It will all work out. We just need to take that leap of faith.


Get busy livin' or get busy dyin':
I have my eyes wide open and I am ready to jump!

Life's Not Easier Just Cause Your Sober

The weeks have just gotten lost in my seeming perpetual battle with the divorce, although it is now official - I now have an "Ex-Wife"!

As nice as it is to say that, this fact ushers in a new era for all of us - A new era that will take some time to adjust to. My kids, Dude and Pumpkin, have further to go than BuddyLuv. Both will have periods where they are less receptive to the 'inclusion' of Babushka and BuddyLuv than other periods.

This weekend was one of those where Dude was not very receptive. This obviously bothered Babushka. I in turn am torn between being protective of both of them. It leaves me conflicted. From what I have read and from friends I have spoken to this is a natural occurrence that is to be expected. This does not make me feel any better, knowing how much it hurts my dear Babushka.

Between my preoccupations with exes and kids, I feel like I have been less than 100% available to Babushka as she has dealt with a number of medical events that have impacted her family. Although this is not something to beat myself up emotionally about, I do not enjoy the thought of not always being her night in shining armor.

It feels like Babushka and I are starting to encounter the inevitable 'growing pains' of our relationship. It also feels (at least to me) that we are doing as good of a job as we can of navigating these complex waters.

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
I love my life, my Babushka and myself.......life is good (if not easy)

Things just aren't that bad

Last night, Kahuna and I finally got to spend some time together. This, that and the other thing have kept us apart far too much this week. I feel like I keep jinxing us by thinking or saying that things cannot get worse and are going to get better.

Sunday we found out my niece, Peanut (11), lost a friend to meningitis. There was now panic that it was the "bad one" and my sister's family may have to be treated because the kids had just played together recently, plus my mom and BuddyLuv were at my sisters house on Saturday. Which, by extension, means we ALL may need to be treated. It was not the "bad one" and if the hospital would have taken her seriously the first time she was brought in, she would not have passed. Instead, they had to take her in a second time at which point she was air-vacced to another hospital where she passed.

Monday I had to take BuddyLuv to the Dr because he has pneumonia and is not getting any better. His cough was so bad, they thought he had whooping cough. He does not.

Monday I was told by a man at work that I cause him to feel a little something something and that I shouldn't dress as nice as I do because I don't want to get raped. Yep, thats what he said. . . Just a week ago, I had mentioned to co workers when we were out for dinner that he made me uncomfortable. Come to find out, he has made others uncomfortable. He just never crossed that line with them.

Kahuna was here for me, exactly how I needed him to be.

Tuesday I had to deal with the aftermath of Monday's incident. I faced him with supervisor/director present and told him what line he had crossed and how his "compliment" affected me.

Tuesday my niece, Princess, was tested for cancer. Though they do not know what the growth is on her bone, it is not cancer.

Tuesday BuddyLuv, Kahuna and I had to go to orientation. It is funny how they "ask" for a donation to cover things like the planners that are handed out and such. Then the teacher remarks that she will be following up with parents who forget to send in the donation. Huh? Then again, this is the same teacher who advised the kids to put their locker combination inside their lockers in case they forget the combination. BuddyLuv has the same dang English teacher he had last year. The same teacher we STRUGGLED with all year long. The same teacher I had to contact the principal about!

Kahuna and I just disconnected. It was terrible and it was icky. I was sure something was "different" with or bothering Kahuna. I could feel it in my gut. I was wrong, at that moment. I guess you could say it was more a feeling of what was to come.

Wednesday Kahuna was already irritated because of having to fight with PB about September bills. Then we exchanged emails not of our character, showing our disconnect. He had to meet PB at the cable company to have his name taken off it. That night, we were the most disconnected we have ever been. It hurt.

Thursday Kahuna and I do not start the day off if a good place, make things worse by being too direct, deal with PB and more crap that she has pulled. . .

Then, Thursday night, Kahuna goes to work out, goes to an AA meeting and comes over. The instant he walks in the door, things are better. . . for both of us. . . I hold him, he holds me. I kiss him, he kisses me. BuddyLuv shouts out that he can hear us kissing. We talked about things a little bit.

I wish I could remember the exact verbiage we used. But, basically, we agreed that:

Things are just not right when we are not together.
And, things just aren't that bad when we are.

This morning, I feel like I have my Kahuna back. And, I hope he feels like he has his Babushka back.

Get Busy Livin or Get Busy Dyin. . .
This is it, this is life, and we are living!

The power of truth and honesty

It has been a beautiful week again.

It has been a week filled with the continued saga that is Kahuna's seemingly never ending divorce. She found a way to stop her PB foot to try and extort more $$ by demanding more that is in no way connected to the divorce precedings and threatening to NOT sign the already agreed upon documents unless she get it.

It has been a week filled will challenges and memories surrounding out sobriety in the form of haunting dreams and my momentary guilt that I was not there to hold him through the dreams. That guilt soon turned into pride. He was ok. Kahuna had a rough night, but knew I was there even if I was not.

It has been a week filled with health concerns in the form of BuddyLuv being 4 hours away and having pnemonia. My princess niece (9) (not to be confused with PB) broke her leg which has lead to the finding of a "growth" on her bone that must be tested this coming week.

It has been filled with sex! Wonderful, body rocking sex! Toys! Intimace! Fucking! Love making!

It has been filled with beautiful, special, quiet, intimate moments. Moments when we danced to no music at all in the kitchen. Moments where we had difficult scary, raw, emotional discussions, exposing dreams and fears, being vulnerable and growing even closer than we have ever been. Moments that made me remember that we are not "waiting" for us to begin. We are here and now.


Get busy livin or get busy dyin?
We are living the life we are given, not waiting for the life that may or may not ever be!

Weekend that Was

It was indeed a lovely weekend spent with my favorite people: Babushka, Pumpkin (aka Peaches), BuddyLuv and Dude.

All five of us went to the horse racing track on Friday night and had a wonderful time. Neither Babushka or I are gamblers but it is a blast watching the kids get so excited when the have $2 riding on their favorite horse.

Saturday afternoon four of us went to play miniature golf(Dude is 15 and much too busy with friends to spend two days with us). Once again it was a blast - the park we went to is beautiful, with ponds and wildlife. We then came home, made dessert and played games together. This morning we had a lovely breakfast and after Babushka and BuddyLuv went home Pumpkin and I had a very special heart-to-heart talk.

The weekend was a wonderful illustration of what life should be like more often for all of us - memorable times spent with the ones we love.