The second event that made things hard this weekend was friendships, or lack there of. If you have read the past postings, I have not always made smart decisions. I did not consider myself to be a good person. So, I did not make friends with good people.
Fast forward a few years.
Now, I am surrounding myself with good people. But, I don't have those good lasting friendships like my new friends. When I was out with Senorita, I noticed it. They had such a long history together. They knew all of each other's families. They did a great job trying to invite me into the conversations. However, I was noticeably (to me) an outsider.
When I am at church, all of the wives have known each other forever. They are involved both inside and outside the church. And then there is me.
I guess I myself have always labeled myself the outsider. I have labeled myself the I get along with everyone, but have a close relationship with no one person. This is my doing.
If I had the power to do all of this, imagine the power I truly have to make those relationships I long for.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Babuska's Crap Part 1 (There will be 3 when I get a chance)
Kahuna was finally feeling better about things. So, it is my turn.
Friday I spent the evening having dinner with a good friend from work. We will call her Senorita. Senorita, a friend of hers and the friend's husband met me at this great little place. Senorita was wonderful. . . except that she and the friend had been friends for ages and had lots to talk about. I was the outsider, no matter how hard she tried to include me.
That night, I went to Kahuna's. Dude was there. We grabbed some fast food and a movie. Everything seemed to be going ok. Dude even talked to me a bit. It was late, so I stayed down there in Pumpkin's room.
I later learned that there was a "discussion" about this after I left in the morning. Dude (15 next month) was not ok with me staying down there overnight. Or, at least, thought Kahuna should have "checked with him first". I am torn on how I feel about this. On one hand, I want Dude and Pumpkin to be comfortable around me and want their approval. But, on the other hand, he is the child, Kahuna is the adult. I do not believe we did anything disrespectful or wrong.
Kahuna and I talked about it. Kahuna feels that, at least for now, this is how things need to be. He needs to check with them and make sure they are ok/comfortable with what he is doing. Like I said before, part of me agrees. But, part of me fears we are setting a precedence that they control our choices and actions.
Maybe I am just too fearful. After all, I have not truly slept more than a few minutes at a time in over 24 hours now.
Friday I spent the evening having dinner with a good friend from work. We will call her Senorita. Senorita, a friend of hers and the friend's husband met me at this great little place. Senorita was wonderful. . . except that she and the friend had been friends for ages and had lots to talk about. I was the outsider, no matter how hard she tried to include me.
That night, I went to Kahuna's. Dude was there. We grabbed some fast food and a movie. Everything seemed to be going ok. Dude even talked to me a bit. It was late, so I stayed down there in Pumpkin's room.
I later learned that there was a "discussion" about this after I left in the morning. Dude (15 next month) was not ok with me staying down there overnight. Or, at least, thought Kahuna should have "checked with him first". I am torn on how I feel about this. On one hand, I want Dude and Pumpkin to be comfortable around me and want their approval. But, on the other hand, he is the child, Kahuna is the adult. I do not believe we did anything disrespectful or wrong.
Kahuna and I talked about it. Kahuna feels that, at least for now, this is how things need to be. He needs to check with them and make sure they are ok/comfortable with what he is doing. Like I said before, part of me agrees. But, part of me fears we are setting a precedence that they control our choices and actions.
Maybe I am just too fearful. After all, I have not truly slept more than a few minutes at a time in over 24 hours now.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Crap, Crap, Crap.........
.........that is how I feel about this week. I was in somewhat of a 'funk' earlier in the week. Not sure of the cause, but it was noticeable to both Babushka and the Dude throughout the week.
The $1.8BB acquisition scheduled to occur on July 1st blew up shortly after I left work yesterday. I spent the afternoon/early evening trying to contain the damage.
Spent last evening with Babushka, although I was not what one would describe as 'joyful'. Mentally half there, half not there - watching an NBA draft I care nothing about but allowed for distraction. Then early this morning in a sleepy state I made a 'joke' to Babushka that was instead hurtful to her.
What is the source regarding this summer of discontent:
* Maybe it is just a temporary medication imbalance;
* Perhaps it is the glow of vacation having been replaced by the din of daily life;
* It could be the seeming continual driving in order to 'get somewhere' (pick-up kids, drop-off kids, baseball, work, Babushka's house)
* How about the monthly reminders of bills that take up 80% of each paycheck for a house I do not live in and a car I do not drive.
Babushka asked my last night if I was feeling addictive - I said "no". But as I look at the above I realize a more accurate response would have been "I have not acted additively".
I may not have drank or hid out with porn, but I do not feel like I am strong in my recovery. I am sure one meeting in the last 4-5 weeks has not helped my outlook either. My heart is not filled at this moment with gratitude - I do not feel happy, joyous or free.
I am tired, tired, tired......
-Tired of work
-Tired of baseball
-Tired of teenagers
-Tired of living on a basement
-Tired of driving a 10 year old car
-Tired of supporting others' lifestyles
-Tired of making mistakes
-Tired of being responsible
-Tired of feeling inadequate
I am just plain tired today. But recognizing this is a good step - it beats drinking, drugging or running. Writing about it brings light to it. Light leads to growth, a foundation of recovery.
I may be tired, but I am not yet tired of striving to be a better person. I am not tired of my quest for growth, just the current plateau.
To quote George Harrison (one of my four favorite Beatles) - "All Things Must Pass"
Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
The $1.8BB acquisition scheduled to occur on July 1st blew up shortly after I left work yesterday. I spent the afternoon/early evening trying to contain the damage.
Spent last evening with Babushka, although I was not what one would describe as 'joyful'. Mentally half there, half not there - watching an NBA draft I care nothing about but allowed for distraction. Then early this morning in a sleepy state I made a 'joke' to Babushka that was instead hurtful to her.
What is the source regarding this summer of discontent:
* Maybe it is just a temporary medication imbalance;
* Perhaps it is the glow of vacation having been replaced by the din of daily life;
* It could be the seeming continual driving in order to 'get somewhere' (pick-up kids, drop-off kids, baseball, work, Babushka's house)
* How about the monthly reminders of bills that take up 80% of each paycheck for a house I do not live in and a car I do not drive.
Babushka asked my last night if I was feeling addictive - I said "no". But as I look at the above I realize a more accurate response would have been "I have not acted additively".
I may not have drank or hid out with porn, but I do not feel like I am strong in my recovery. I am sure one meeting in the last 4-5 weeks has not helped my outlook either. My heart is not filled at this moment with gratitude - I do not feel happy, joyous or free.
I am tired, tired, tired......
-Tired of work
-Tired of baseball
-Tired of teenagers
-Tired of living on a basement
-Tired of driving a 10 year old car
-Tired of supporting others' lifestyles
-Tired of making mistakes
-Tired of being responsible
-Tired of feeling inadequate
I am just plain tired today. But recognizing this is a good step - it beats drinking, drugging or running. Writing about it brings light to it. Light leads to growth, a foundation of recovery.
I may be tired, but I am not yet tired of striving to be a better person. I am not tired of my quest for growth, just the current plateau.
To quote George Harrison (one of my four favorite Beatles) - "All Things Must Pass"
Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
Thursday, June 26, 2008
San Antonio Suprise HNT
So Babushka and I are in "our room" at my folks new place in Texas and she asks me where the camera is. I tell her and she asks me to bring it in, as she has some 'pictures to take'for HNT.
I excitedly bring her the camera and leave, looking forward excitedly to my first opportunity to review these adventurous pics
So without further ado..............................
Not that I do not love those ankles, but it felt a little like kissing my cousin :-)
Happy HNT everyone!!!!
I excitedly bring her the camera and leave, looking forward excitedly to my first opportunity to review these adventurous pics
So without further ado..............................
Not that I do not love those ankles, but it felt a little like kissing my cousin :-)
Happy HNT everyone!!!!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
TMI #140 (Ours!)
1. Do you believe anyone truly likes their job? If so, why?
BABUSHKA - I do believe there are those out there who truly enjoy their job. I know I am not one of them. At least, not on an average day. . . There is too much in fighting and arguing.
KAHUNA – In my opinion, everyone makes the choice to enjoy or not enjoy their job. I choose to focus on things I can control (my attitude) rather than things I cannot (co-workers).
2. Do you 1) live to work or 2) work to live 3) not see a difference?
BABUSHKA - I try to work to live. But, still have some live to work syndrom. Things are slowly getting better. I look back at where I have been and what I have accomplished. I know things really are getting better. I just forget sometimes.
KAHUNA – Work to live a comfortable and enjoyable life …..unfortunately I work to support someone else’s enjoyable life right now but look forward to the day when I work toward only Babushka and my life.
3. How many hours do you work a week?
BABUSHKA - I stay at my 40hrs/week when I am not working the second job. Then, I am at about 15-20 extra hours.
KAHUNA – Between working at the office, at home and on my Blackberry…60 or more a week.
4. What was your safety item (i.e. blankie) from when you were little?
BABUSHKA - I only have one. My mother gave me a big stuffed dog when I was in 7th grade and almost raped at school. I moved away to my grams house. This was the dog I hugged at night when I missed home.
KAHUNA – I do not recall one, although I did have an invisible friend
5. Have you ever used food during sex?
BABUSHKA - Not yet. But, I am hoping to someday!
KAHUNA – Only if Ice counts
Bonus (as in optional):What is your guilty food pleasure?
BABUSHKA - Chocolate ice cream with peanut butter cups and peanut butter.
KAHUNA – Ice Cream (½ Vanilla and ½ Chocolate)
Double Bonus from our inquisitors (still optional): "We are looking for suggestions. . . If someone asked for your suggestions for a butt worshiping evening (an evening devoted to butt attention), what would you suggest?"
BABUSHKA - I am looking forward to hearing everyone's answers!
KAHUNA – Since we asked I will await the wisdom of others
BABUSHKA - I do believe there are those out there who truly enjoy their job. I know I am not one of them. At least, not on an average day. . . There is too much in fighting and arguing.
KAHUNA – In my opinion, everyone makes the choice to enjoy or not enjoy their job. I choose to focus on things I can control (my attitude) rather than things I cannot (co-workers).
2. Do you 1) live to work or 2) work to live 3) not see a difference?
BABUSHKA - I try to work to live. But, still have some live to work syndrom. Things are slowly getting better. I look back at where I have been and what I have accomplished. I know things really are getting better. I just forget sometimes.
KAHUNA – Work to live a comfortable and enjoyable life …..unfortunately I work to support someone else’s enjoyable life right now but look forward to the day when I work toward only Babushka and my life.
3. How many hours do you work a week?
BABUSHKA - I stay at my 40hrs/week when I am not working the second job. Then, I am at about 15-20 extra hours.
KAHUNA – Between working at the office, at home and on my Blackberry…60 or more a week.
4. What was your safety item (i.e. blankie) from when you were little?
BABUSHKA - I only have one. My mother gave me a big stuffed dog when I was in 7th grade and almost raped at school. I moved away to my grams house. This was the dog I hugged at night when I missed home.
KAHUNA – I do not recall one, although I did have an invisible friend
5. Have you ever used food during sex?
BABUSHKA - Not yet. But, I am hoping to someday!
KAHUNA – Only if Ice counts
Bonus (as in optional):What is your guilty food pleasure?
BABUSHKA - Chocolate ice cream with peanut butter cups and peanut butter.
KAHUNA – Ice Cream (½ Vanilla and ½ Chocolate)
Double Bonus from our inquisitors (still optional): "We are looking for suggestions. . . If someone asked for your suggestions for a butt worshiping evening (an evening devoted to butt attention), what would you suggest?"
BABUSHKA - I am looking forward to hearing everyone's answers!
KAHUNA – Since we asked I will await the wisdom of others
Monday, June 23, 2008
Night number one
Hi!
So, life is so wonderful and beautiful, if it weren't for that one little thing. . . sleep. Friday night I was bound and determined that I was going to fall to sleep on my own. I was up until 2am. I know I drifted a bit. But, I never really went to sleep. Finally, I went and took 2 (regular dose) of the allergy pills that make you drowsey.
Saturday night I was exhausted. I gave in early and took two.
Sunday night Kahuna was here. While I was on the phone, Kahuna gave my wet pussy a massage. I hung up and came. I was literally sitting on the edge of the bed by the time I was squirling away from Kahuna who wanted to keep going. As I described a kiss and what can become of it, we made beautiful, intimate love. I went down and brought Kahuna to orgasm. I know I drifted again, but did not go to sleep. About 1am, Kahuna and I talked about it. I DID NOT take the allergy pills. It took a while longer. But, I did fall to sleep.
Tonight Kahuna has the chance to be here again. So, I will try for night number two!
So, life is so wonderful and beautiful, if it weren't for that one little thing. . . sleep. Friday night I was bound and determined that I was going to fall to sleep on my own. I was up until 2am. I know I drifted a bit. But, I never really went to sleep. Finally, I went and took 2 (regular dose) of the allergy pills that make you drowsey.
Saturday night I was exhausted. I gave in early and took two.
Sunday night Kahuna was here. While I was on the phone, Kahuna gave my wet pussy a massage. I hung up and came. I was literally sitting on the edge of the bed by the time I was squirling away from Kahuna who wanted to keep going. As I described a kiss and what can become of it, we made beautiful, intimate love. I went down and brought Kahuna to orgasm. I know I drifted again, but did not go to sleep. About 1am, Kahuna and I talked about it. I DID NOT take the allergy pills. It took a while longer. But, I did fall to sleep.
Tonight Kahuna has the chance to be here again. So, I will try for night number two!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Vacation
Hello!
I am exhausted! And, I really don't want to write too much tonight so people miss our HNT.
Vacation was amazing. From start to finish, it was better than I could have ever dreamed! Kahuna, PapaTed and TuTu were so good to me! Even getting sick from the extreme weather differences did not put a dent in the greatness that was our vacation!
I will write more later. But, we did not get in and in bed till the AM on Wednesday, I gave blood on Wednesday and then only slept for 4 hours Wednesday night. . . What can I say. . . I was spoiled by being able to fall to sleep next to Kahuna for so many nights in a row.
Happy HNT!
I am exhausted! And, I really don't want to write too much tonight so people miss our HNT.
Vacation was amazing. From start to finish, it was better than I could have ever dreamed! Kahuna, PapaTed and TuTu were so good to me! Even getting sick from the extreme weather differences did not put a dent in the greatness that was our vacation!
I will write more later. But, we did not get in and in bed till the AM on Wednesday, I gave blood on Wednesday and then only slept for 4 hours Wednesday night. . . What can I say. . . I was spoiled by being able to fall to sleep next to Kahuna for so many nights in a row.
Happy HNT!
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