Saturday, April 30, 2011

Deja Vu all over again

My last post was right when my relapse night when I could no longer take the arguments, the profanity, the disrespect that are my parents' relationship. I drank one night.......then told myself it would only be once........that I did not need to tell anyone.........just this once........that's what every alcoholic tells themself to justify their decision........because it would only be JUST THIS ONCE!!!

Fast forward to the end of April - drinking almost every day this last week. Lying to my dear Babushka's face about it, even though she already knew. Amazing how alcoholics think.....when we are not strong on our recovery we are bound to our secrets to the bitter is a sad way to live.

Last night was my bottom. For the first time in my years on this earth I understood why someone would willingly end their life. That feeling of hopelessness - pissing away everything you have ever wanted just to satisfy that urge to drink something you do not even want to drink but do anyway, because it is the easier, softer way. Wife would be better off; kids would be better off; everyone would be better off if you were just not around anymore to hurt them. The ultimate in alcoholic selfishness.

The cold rain of this Saturday morning is appropriate indeed. Babushka sits no more that 2 feet from me - typing away to find a release for all of her anger and disappointment in me. All the happy times chronicled in this blog a distant memory. In its' place the deafening silence, utter and complete lack of trust and all of the internal grunge that bubbles to the surface.

How does one get back the life we once had - the trust; the joy; that carefree feeling that comes with unconditional love? Sadly we do not..........We can get back some of that, even much of that but once it is lost once it never completely returns. There is forever the little doubt in the back of their mind. There is always that tiny bit of apprehension and guarding of her heart to protect from being hurt again. It is what it is and will be what it will be. I as an alcoholic have made this bed and the consequences that result are mine to accept.

"We were powerless over alcohol, and our life had become unmanageable" - Guilty as charged. Today is the first day back up that steep hill that I thought I would never have to truly scale again. Humility and Humiliation - Hope yet Demoralization. These have taken the place of the happiness, joyousness and freedom that sobriety and recovery had blessed me with.

This is a journey back in time - I am once again who I once was many years ago: isolated, dishonest; fearful; angry and ultimately alone. Of those, today I work on the isolation - discussions with other alcoholics and obtaining a sponsor that I will speak with daily, not once every other week. Monday will be the call to schedule an intake assessment. From there only God knows what is in store. That is no longer my concern.

In all likelihood I will end this blog and begin a new one - one that I can journal in daily. One that will help in regaining my path in recovery. A new path; a different path. The path chronicled in this blog is gone - sacrificed to a bottle of Windsor and weak spirit. I miss the life chronicled in this blog - it represents the happiest times in my life. It represents the man I became; the man I always wanted to be. The man I no longer am...........

I got Busy Livin' ........... but ultimately got Busy Dyin' I will mourn my loss of this life and always look back upon it with fondness and pride.

"Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"
  • I did love - beyond my wildest imagination
  • I then lost it to selfishness, complacency and resentment
Now I start over again.......................................................................

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The Holiday Season.... finally over (hooray for a humbug like me), although it has been an odd holiday season indeed.

Spent with my parents, rather than my Babushka and our brood. Although we were able to skype it was just not the same. I admit I do not miss the pressure of a tree or the decorations or the chaos, but being back with just my parents makes me realize I do miss all of what Babushka and her family have brought to my life. THEY DRIVE ME FUCKING NUTS!!!

I am soooo glad they live 3,000 miles away. I love them but we get along so much better over the phone.

I get to leave sometime this week - then I can at least get back and focus on the confusion I seem to feel around Babushka.


Monday, December 20, 2010

Sometimes you are the bug.....

That is how life feels right now. I am in the lone star state, tending to my mother who just started her cancer treatments. I am with my parents, whose dysfunction is on display every day I am here.

I left behind a wife with a fractured kneecap, whose sister is now being diagnosed with cancer. A wife I miss dearly but am afraid she would be better off with someone who can be there for her.

I left behind a blended family that was just beginning to gel, but is now becoming distant again.

I had a sexual life I thought could get no better, yet now it seems so long ago that it was healthy.

I am tired and I am seems to be less about livin' and more about not dyin' a day at a time. I am sad about where life seems today and it feels so far from where it once was.

I may be simply whining, but I miss where I was just a few months ago and fear what 2011 is planning to bring.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Twice as nice........

Not really,

I never thought that life would get this difficult.

I do not regret a single moment, but there have been times in the last 2 months that I just do not understand what God has in mind for me:
  • 2 child surgeries
  • 2 automotive investments
  • 1 mother with Cancer
  • 1 father who cannot face the truth
  • 1 wife with a fractured kneecap
  • 1 ex-wife who is just an ex-wife
  • 3 teenage kids who do not realize the world does not revolve around them

I am simply tired.......of living for today at least :-)

I love all of you who help me get through one day at a time

Friday, September 3, 2010

Forgive me father far it has been 4 months since my last confession...

Kahuna has not felt much like blogging.....simply due to the fact I do not know what to blog about. Babushka and I are doing very well. The three teens are keeping us on our toes (to say the least).

From a sexual standpoint we are enjoying ourselves. Babushka has started to enjoy taking the lead, as in taking on a mistress role. This has been a big step for her, being in control. In her previous relationships, her needs and desires were certainly secondary. Before now she was submissive and not because she wanted to be.

It was a big step for her to try to be in charge. I am so proud of my Babushka that she could overcome her fears and allow me to be her slut once in a while.....happily it occurs with much more regularity now.

As she sits and laughs at me for something random we were joking about with our middle son, I am so grateful that she is in my life. I love my Babushka so much.

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
Four years tomorrow and going strong!!!!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Mid-Blog Crisis

Seems that is where I sit today. In looking at my last few entries it seems to me that I am trying way too hard to "sexualize" my entries. Not that there is anything wrong with writing about these activities but it does seem to narrow the scope and content of the blog and what it represents, although I do not believe I can even answer that right now. Given that, my thoughts will likely ramble.

Point in case - I am struggling with being out of school. All the while I was there I was looking forward to the day it would end, which was April. I miss the weekly discipline of going to class and interacting with my classmates. As much as I was looking forward to being done now I am left with "now what". My beautiful Babushka is going back to school (which I am so happy about) bit it is weird not having class..........Now what do I do other than watch over the kids (like that is not a job)

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Another Year Older and Deeper In.......

Kahuna turned another page in the chapter of life yesterday. It does amaze me the 44 is so much better than 34 was and a damn sight better than 24.

Babushka was her always wonderful self: Surprise birthday lunch at the office; Surprise birthday song at Bootcamp; Surprise buster bar ice cream cake with family; Surprise lingerie on (her) and hot anal sex as a bit of frosting on the cake!! This was in fact the 4th straight evening of phenomenal sex, which included a little light bondage and blindfolding one evening and many orgasms for us both.

It does amaze me how my life has changed in my 40's. The end of my 30's found me at a crossroads in my life and the starting of this blog. Confused about my sexuality and spirituality and battling my addictions to porn and alcohol - making progress but never able to fully overcome.

Today my life is so much more than it was - most days joyful, some days painful and every day engaged in the world around. Each day is a new opportunity to succeed (or fail) independent from the day before. And each day is spent with my lovely Babushka, whom was the answer to the midnight dreams that accompanied my previous life. She is still the apple of my eye whom I adore more each day. All this and a wife who 'asks' to suck my cock when she is restless, as making me cum helps her fall asleep.

All I know is my 40's Rock!!!

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'