Harder, Harder, Harder

We have told all three children. Dude was basically silent, beyond asking if Kahuna would be living in the city Dude lives in. Pumpkin was silent. BuddyLuv. . . not so much. The intial response was a simple multiple "No" followed by goofey behavior. He did like the fact he would still have his own room and was even promised a TV in his room. The next morning, Kahuna, in his loving and wonderful ways, mentioned that he was looking forward to the possability to spending time with BuddyLuv on a daily basis. Now that they know, it is harder to be patient and thankful for today, rather than focus on dreams of the future. I just want to be with Kahuna. I just want BuddyLuv to be with Kahuna.

I am scared of the treatment I will probably receive from the mortgage company. However, there are necessary evils that must occur to help support your request for a short sale. I don't deal well with mean people. I take it very personally and often allow it to upset me. It will be hard. But, I must find the strength to get through this part.

Last night, Kahuna had conferences and the children. That meant We could not see him. Those days are becoming harder and harder. Yes, I am pmsing, I am sure. But, I was on the phone with Kahuna and shed a few tears as I shared with him how much my body hurt from doing some physical labor around the home and just wanted to cuddle up into him and go to sleep.

My birthday is coming up!I will be 33 (I think. . . 75 to 08. . . yep, 33)! For my birthday, I am so excited! I get 4 days with Kahuna! Friday night! All day Saturday (except I have to work. But, it is a short 4 hour shift. I could not pass because it is the league I normally wait on. It would be irresponsible of me NOT to be there when I can make decent money. Besides, they know it is my bday! They said they would spread the word to be extra nice to me with tips)! All day Sunday (Kahuna, before I forget, BuddyLuv has to acolyte on Sunday, will you go to church with us)! And Monday night! Hey, and technically, Tuesday, too, in the morning! YEAH!


Kahuna. . .

I know your desires to give me the world. I have them, too. I don't need the world. I need you. I know you mentioned last night that you were having a hard night accepting the details of the divorce again because of the impact on us and our finances. I have those times, too. Not because I want your money. But rather, because of the stress it causes you.

It is ok, sweetie. You made the right choices because they were the choices you made. It has all happened in this way for a reason. I accept it and am thankful. No matter the outcome, we now have the opportunity to accept it and opportity to be free to move on. That moving on means we are one step closer to our dreams. I see nothing but good in that.

I miss you!

I desire you!

I adore you!

I love you!

Get busy livin or get busy dyin. . .
This is us living.

PS I bet you thought this was going to be about sex!

Things just aren't that bad

Last night, Kahuna and I finally got to spend some time together. This, that and the other thing have kept us apart far too much this week. I feel like I keep jinxing us by thinking or saying that things cannot get worse and are going to get better.

Sunday we found out my niece, Peanut (11), lost a friend to meningitis. There was now panic that it was the "bad one" and my sister's family may have to be treated because the kids had just played together recently, plus my mom and BuddyLuv were at my sisters house on Saturday. Which, by extension, means we ALL may need to be treated. It was not the "bad one" and if the hospital would have taken her seriously the first time she was brought in, she would not have passed. Instead, they had to take her in a second time at which point she was air-vacced to another hospital where she passed.

Monday I had to take BuddyLuv to the Dr because he has pneumonia and is not getting any better. His cough was so bad, they thought he had whooping cough. He does not.

Monday I was told by a man at work that I cause him to feel a little something something and that I shouldn't dress as nice as I do because I don't want to get raped. Yep, thats what he said. . . Just a week ago, I had mentioned to co workers when we were out for dinner that he made me uncomfortable. Come to find out, he has made others uncomfortable. He just never crossed that line with them.

Kahuna was here for me, exactly how I needed him to be.

Tuesday I had to deal with the aftermath of Monday's incident. I faced him with supervisor/director present and told him what line he had crossed and how his "compliment" affected me.

Tuesday my niece, Princess, was tested for cancer. Though they do not know what the growth is on her bone, it is not cancer.

Tuesday BuddyLuv, Kahuna and I had to go to orientation. It is funny how they "ask" for a donation to cover things like the planners that are handed out and such. Then the teacher remarks that she will be following up with parents who forget to send in the donation. Huh? Then again, this is the same teacher who advised the kids to put their locker combination inside their lockers in case they forget the combination. BuddyLuv has the same dang English teacher he had last year. The same teacher we STRUGGLED with all year long. The same teacher I had to contact the principal about!

Kahuna and I just disconnected. It was terrible and it was icky. I was sure something was "different" with or bothering Kahuna. I could feel it in my gut. I was wrong, at that moment. I guess you could say it was more a feeling of what was to come.

Wednesday Kahuna was already irritated because of having to fight with PB about September bills. Then we exchanged emails not of our character, showing our disconnect. He had to meet PB at the cable company to have his name taken off it. That night, we were the most disconnected we have ever been. It hurt.

Thursday Kahuna and I do not start the day off if a good place, make things worse by being too direct, deal with PB and more crap that she has pulled. . .

Then, Thursday night, Kahuna goes to work out, goes to an AA meeting and comes over. The instant he walks in the door, things are better. . . for both of us. . . I hold him, he holds me. I kiss him, he kisses me. BuddyLuv shouts out that he can hear us kissing. We talked about things a little bit.

I wish I could remember the exact verbiage we used. But, basically, we agreed that:

Things are just not right when we are not together.
And, things just aren't that bad when we are.

This morning, I feel like I have my Kahuna back. And, I hope he feels like he has his Babushka back.

Get Busy Livin or Get Busy Dyin. . .
This is it, this is life, and we are living!

The power of truth and honesty

It has been a beautiful week again.

It has been a week filled with the continued saga that is Kahuna's seemingly never ending divorce. She found a way to stop her PB foot to try and extort more $$ by demanding more that is in no way connected to the divorce precedings and threatening to NOT sign the already agreed upon documents unless she get it.

It has been a week filled will challenges and memories surrounding out sobriety in the form of haunting dreams and my momentary guilt that I was not there to hold him through the dreams. That guilt soon turned into pride. He was ok. Kahuna had a rough night, but knew I was there even if I was not.

It has been a week filled with health concerns in the form of BuddyLuv being 4 hours away and having pnemonia. My princess niece (9) (not to be confused with PB) broke her leg which has lead to the finding of a "growth" on her bone that must be tested this coming week.

It has been filled with sex! Wonderful, body rocking sex! Toys! Intimace! Fucking! Love making!

It has been filled with beautiful, special, quiet, intimate moments. Moments when we danced to no music at all in the kitchen. Moments where we had difficult scary, raw, emotional discussions, exposing dreams and fears, being vulnerable and growing even closer than we have ever been. Moments that made me remember that we are not "waiting" for us to begin. We are here and now.


Get busy livin or get busy dyin?
We are living the life we are given, not waiting for the life that may or may not ever be!

It is Over.....

....but I do not feel much like celebrating today. It is a strange place to be today, not the feeling I thought I would have when this started 20 months ago.

• Yesterday I was accepting of the end result with the judge.............Today I am less accepting and again feeling that I have been made the fool

• Yesterday I was anticipating an ability to finally adopt a better lifestyle...........Today I realize my lifestyle will continue to be in a basement with a 10-year old dented car for a much longer time

• Yesterday I was dreaming of the endless possibilities for Babushka and I..................Today there is seemingly a reality that both Babushka and I are seeing which is perhaps not endless after all

Funny how often this sort of thing happens...........you wait an eternity for something and once it finally arrives it is not what you expected.

Life is like that

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
A shout out to the person responsible for the quote above - apparently he was too busy living rather than driving. I wish him a speedy recovery.

Stuff

I am glad to report there is very little to write about today. Thought, I will probably end up writing a long time about nothing.

We had a garage sale this week. Lucky me. We have it at my home, because it is closest to the cities. All the crap decended on my house over a month ago, but rain canceled the original dates.

I am pretty sure that I made more than I actually received. But, my sister seems to think it is ok to borrow whatever she feels justified in taking without my approval. It is garage sale stuff. It is not worth arguing about.

Kind of like my bag of change. At my niece's softball tournement, I had my bag of change from my tips. I keep it in the car. It was pretty close to full. I had it out so I could buy each of my 4 nieces a treat, had to chance the foster baby's diaper and forgot I put the bag in the diaper bag when doing so. We are only talking like $30 worth of change. But, when I called my sister and asked her about it, she said that the girls must have found and took it. Nice.

I love my sister because she is my sister. I tolerate my sister because she will take away my nieces if I do not. But, I do not trust her any farther than I can throw her (and she is heavier than I am, so that is not very far). At least all the crap is gine. We donated everything that did not sell.

Oh, I am down to 175! There, I said it. Yes, I am thick. But, 175 sounds fat. Looking at the pics out there, I don't look like what I believe 175 looks like. I would like to be 160. That means only 15 more lbs to go. I like my curves. I just want to be a healthier curvy lady.

Talk about weight, my mom is very unhealthy overweight. She was diagnosed as borderline diabetic and has totally changed her life around. She is almost total vegetarian and has lost 18lbs in 6 weeks. She is looking so much better and healthier. I am so happy for her.

Kahuna is doing so good. I am so proud of him! He has been walking through these last couple of days better than I could have prayed for. It is totally understandable if he had rough days. But, thankfully, he has a good network of people supporting him.

PB has continued to attempt to dig her nails into Kahuna. I will try to explain this without totally confusing things: Wednesday Kahuna got a call from his atty. PB's atty called Kahuna's atty. PB really wants to keep the house. She is willing to make the payments on it. In return for her making payments on a home that is over mortgaged, it is only fair, they reason, that she get 100% of his 401K, which is no small amount of money. I am so proud of Kahuna for not allowing his desire to "get this over with" overpower his sense of logic.

1) She would not qualify for the house on her own, so it would stay in his name.
2) She is making $10/hr. $10x40hrsx4wks = 1600/month before taxes. The mortgage is not quite twice that.
3) 1 + 2 = his still paying the mortgage in the end to save his credit.

12 days left!

Well, my home looks as if a tornado went through it. When my sister and her 4+ kids come, everything falls to pieces. So, I had better go clean. Hope all is well for all.

~Babushka

Sans TMI Tuesday....

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How we are doing

Well, it has been a while since we have written about us again. It is funny how helpful it is, but it seems to be the last thing we do.

DIVORCE
As of today, there are 19 days left until Kahuna's divorce trial. There is nothing new going on with regards to this. Yet, there seems to be so much going on with regards to this:

**It is hard to write(and makes me sick to my stomach), but the honest truth I have to be reminded of. . . It may not be over. There is always the chance that the judge will say they have too much on their plate and cannot devote the necessary attention to this divorce and hold things off again. The superstitious part of me didn't want to write or say that because I don't want to make it come true. But, it is the truth. At least, this time, it will not be PB's stomping of her foot, pouting or general unwillingness to participate that holds things back. We have so many people praying for us, who have been there from the beginning. I have not had the heart to tell them that this is a possibility. Probably because I feel deep in my heart that we have been through enough. Our God, our Higher Power, would not put us through more of this. It is our turn as peace without this fear hanging over our heads.

**We had storms last week. Kahuna's old house was damaged. The next day, PB was cut a check, there on the spot, made out to PB and the mortgage company ONLY! Come to find out, PB had gotten a new insurance policy IN HER NAME ONLY. Funny how she can do that with the mortgage being in Kahuna's name, only. The insurance company doesn't get involved with matters like this. The mortgage company doesn't care whos name the insurance is in, as long as there is sufficient insurance. Good timing, though, to show how financially incompetent she is and what a travesty it would be to make Kahuna fully responsible for the financial troubles THEY were in. Who accepts a check out right before you even get bids or estimates?

**Kahuna's old neighbors and used-to-be friends were at his old house one day visiting with PB. Kahuna had reached out to the man at one point, hoping to maintain some sort of friendship with no response received. It was uncomfortable and painful for my Kahuna. This is a friendship he had not allowed himself to mourn.

**Kahuna has his good days and his bad days. Sometimes we are fearful of what could happen. If he gets some vindictive, man hating, divorced judge who's ex was an alcoholic or sex addict, she may take her rage out on him. Than again, as I write this, I realize we have never mentioned the possibility that Karma will give Kahuna a judge who was once "taken to the cleaners" by an ex wife like PB. Prayer and acceptance, that is all we can do.

WORK
I did not get the job at the other county. But, that's ok. It would have been a huge jump in responsibilities and I totally understand their needing someone who required less initial training. I have not given up. I will keep my eyes open and something else may come along. I ran into a few frustrating times this week. Again, a conversation about something I was really excited to do (because they want to better utilize my speaking skills and my ability to be comfortable in front of crowds) turned into someones responsibility. I have my review next week. I will bring it up then. They have not even told me, yet, that I don't get to be the one to do the thing I was excited about. With as many times as promises have been broken in the year I have been there, I am starting to fear that the promotion promised to me at my 6 mo review to be given at my year will be just another carrot dangled but never reached.

Kahuna's job has finally quited down just a bit. The current large conversions of portfolios are complete. Now he just deals with people's general unwillingness to admit they need to follow the rules and procedures, just like everyone else.

HOME
On the positive side, BuddyLuv is home! I am so happy to have him home again! He will probably only be here for a week. It is best for him to go back with my parent's to the far north because there is a tutor up there working with him and he is making leaps and bounds! He is so beautiful!

Peaches likes me! Last weekend I got to spend some time with her and Kahuna. We ate dinner, watched TV, talked, played Clue and she was even excited to try the desert I made. This is a big deal because she is not one to try something new. And, part of the desert is something she normally does not really go for. There is a special family desert in my family. It is simple, but has a deep meaning behind it I will not get into now. We made mostly baked chocolate chip bars, still gooey, put them on a plate while still warm, put icecream and chocolate sauce on top of them. Peaches decorated the chocolate on my plate as if I were eating as a fancy restaurant.

Dude chose not to spend time with us. Rather, he spent the evening downstairs, away from me. I know, I am not supposed to take it personally. He is a teenager. Almost 15. He is testing to see what he can get away with. when Kahuna picked him up in my car, I was at Kahuna's with Peaches, Dude advised Kahuna that Kahuna should have "checked with" him before making plans for me to be over. This led to him texting Kahuna when he wanted something from upstairs. The whole Dude thing led to a difficult discussion between Kahuna and I. We talked it out. It also led to a discussion between Dude and Kahuna. Dude asked not to be surprised by my appearances. Kahuna asked that Dude share his concerns, but also understand that he does not have a say in changing Kahuna's plans. If they communicate, it will work out fine.

SCHOOL
I am proud to announce that Kahuna has signed up for the necessary classes for him to obtain his doctorate. If all goes as planned, this will allow Kahuna the opportunity to teach his trade in two years. He also thinks this will allow for me to go to school while removing the financial argument against returning to school. If he is teaching, I go for free! I am looking forward to that day!

BYE
Well, I have been writing for some time now. I need to go and spend time with BuddyLuv before I head off to work. Kahuna, for all the ups and downs we have, there is no one I would rather go through these things with. There is no one I would be more proud to have at my side. There is no one that I have more faith in than you. I adore you and miss you and cannot wait till tomorrow when you, BuddyLuv and I can spend time together!

Babuska's Crap Part 1 (There will be 3 when I get a chance)

Kahuna was finally feeling better about things. So, it is my turn.

Friday I spent the evening having dinner with a good friend from work. We will call her Senorita. Senorita, a friend of hers and the friend's husband met me at this great little place. Senorita was wonderful. . . except that she and the friend had been friends for ages and had lots to talk about. I was the outsider, no matter how hard she tried to include me.

That night, I went to Kahuna's. Dude was there. We grabbed some fast food and a movie. Everything seemed to be going ok. Dude even talked to me a bit. It was late, so I stayed down there in Pumpkin's room.

I later learned that there was a "discussion" about this after I left in the morning. Dude (15 next month) was not ok with me staying down there overnight. Or, at least, thought Kahuna should have "checked with him first". I am torn on how I feel about this. On one hand, I want Dude and Pumpkin to be comfortable around me and want their approval. But, on the other hand, he is the child, Kahuna is the adult. I do not believe we did anything disrespectful or wrong.

Kahuna and I talked about it. Kahuna feels that, at least for now, this is how things need to be. He needs to check with them and make sure they are ok/comfortable with what he is doing. Like I said before, part of me agrees. But, part of me fears we are setting a precedence that they control our choices and actions.

Maybe I am just too fearful. After all, I have not truly slept more than a few minutes at a time in over 24 hours now.

But now. . .

As you can tell from my below entry, it was a rough day on Friday. Friday night I worked, bar tending until 1:30am. It was a rough night, I had things on my mind and dealt with the attitudes of 20 somethings who have no desire to excel beyond waitressing at the bowling alley (well, except the one who is excited that she may be waitressing at the strip club this summer). I got home from work, exhausted, body hurting. . . I walked in the door. And, my heart melted. There was my Kahuna, sleeping on the couch, watching my Son for me and waiting for me to come home to him.

I was wound up from work and the day. Off to bed we went, talking a bit. Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Saturday I worked again. Kahuna, my wonderful, amazing, beautiful Kahuna, offered to take BuddyLuv with him. BuddyLuv was going to be home alone because, for the second "us" weekend in a row, Princess Bitch stomped her foot and denied something of great importance from Dude. He could only go to TWO tryouts for baseball teams (affecting his whole summer) if Kahuna would give him a ride to and from both of them. Kahuna being the great man he is, offered to take BuddyLuv even if he would be around Dude.

I waited with baited breath. And, it was very anti-climatic. They exchanged pleasantries, but there was no hostilities anywhere in site! YES!

Pumpkin saw BuddyLuv in the back of Kahuna's car when they picked up Dude. We are waiting to see what she has to say about that.

Princess Bitch also saw BuddyLuv in the back seat of Kahuna's car. This was unexpected as she avoids Kahuna when she can. Thank God, she is not the kind that would have said anything bad to BuddyLuv.

To be continued. . .

My Initial Reaction

What a weekend of ups and downs. As you may have read form Kahuna's last posting, things were, well, what they were. I wrote this on Friday, literally right after I got off the phone with Kahuna. These are not the nicest thoughts. But, they were my thoughts none the less:

Not a damn thing changed.

1) Princess Bitch attorney advised Princess Bitch that, though it is great that Princess Bitch is looking for a fun career like an event planner, a judge would probably advise Princess Bitch to seek more stable employment.

My response: Whatever! Why the Fuck has Princess Bitch attorney not been advising Princess Bitch of this for the last 1.5 years? I believe it was all for show.

2) Princess Bitch's attorney advised them that, if Kahuna went for the house today, Princess Bitch would be filing to request that parental evaluation.

My response: Whatever! They are preying on Kahuna's guilt/regret over his criminal record (DUIs) and history of substance abuse.

3) Princess Bitch attorney said she believe Princess Bitch is starting to understand that finances are not as Princess Bitch thought, but will not agree to cashing out/taking a loan against the 401K to pay off the second mortgage. Kahuna's attorney said that, if Princess Bitch is starting to understand, maybe seeing a financial planner will put them on the same page so this can be resolved soon as finances are the only sticking point. Kahuna is calling today to schedule a meeting next week with a Financial Planner Kahuna's attorney used in her last case like this.

My response: So, is this going to work out like it did when Kahuna gave Princess Bitch more time to get off her fucking ass and get a fucking job? Cause, that worked out really well as we all can see.

4) Princess Bitch wants brother-in-law, who is attorney, present at meeting next week with the financial planner. Kahuna would not agree to this.

My response: She can't do shit for herself? How is she going to maintain a huge house (like she is demanding) if she can't do shit for herself?

5) A motion was entered to change the 4/23 date for from the second 1/2 of pre-trial to be another Temporary Relief request if they cannot agree on things after meeting with the planner.

My response: Why the fuck would she see the light now? So, lets postpone things again, cause thats going to get us to resolution.

6) If the financial planner cannot help to come to resolution and temp relief does not resolve everything, there will be no more attempts, just the already scheduled 4/23 thing and a final trial date schedule.

My response: Yeah, I will believe it when I see it? Why the fuck did Kahuna's attorney agree to yet another date that ultimately delays the final date? So, lets agree to another Temp Relief hearing to try and cut costs for a few months and delay the final instead of just going for the final?

I am pissed! This is one of the most fucked up thing I have ever seen in my entire life!

Kinda like kissing your sister...or so I have been told

Not that I have any siblings, but that is a bit how today feels. The motion / counter-motion hearing will now take the place of the pre-trial continuance, scheduled for 4/24.

The morning started with the Princess Bitch (PB) and her entourage in the courtroom hall, huddled and I am sure cursing me inside. The first request that PB had was for a custody evaluation - Ugggg. God forbid I would want joint custody and equal parenting.

My attorney and I met in a room and discussed the pros/cons; risks and rewards of letting the judge decide the initial matter of temporary relief. The two attorneys then spoke together to come up with 'creative alternatives'.

The result: We will be meeting with a Divorce Financial Planner next week to "crunch the cash-flow numbers". The hope is that perhaps a light will go on in the head of the PB and see the financial challenges we have to reconcile as a part of this process.

I feel good about this -it finally feels like progress is being made and I am interested to her this persons point of view. I know Babushka is less thrilled. I sincerely regret having her expend any emotional energy on this, but I am grateful that she is with me during this. Babushka also is frustrated with the inability to just "get it scheduled and done". She works in government - the legal process is kinda like projects at her work....................long, deliberate and unnecessarily strung along. Perhaps the PB is playing me for a chump........again. I sense that is Babushka's concern - that and the anger she has toward the sense of entitlement held by PB.

I love and adore Babushka and I hope she understands. Any chance for a settled decision is worth perusing, at least for a couple more weeks.

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
"Whose sister is he talking about?"