What exactly do I "control"?

Life keeps reminding me that the answer to that is usually "not as much as you think" and then when I understand that the more detailed answer is "even less than that".

Working from home today as I had a bit of a headache. Long week/weekend with ups and downs but many reminders of my powerlessness over others behaviors and reactions. Hell, I seem to be powerlessness over my own behaviors and reactions too often.

I have really tried to keep this a place where I don't participate in the too often seen on other blogs "My ex-wife is a bitch" rant. All situations have differing viewpoints and one is never the gospel truth over the other. I am just tired of always getting new correspondence from her atty to mine about things she could have simply asked me about or are just not reasonable. The latest being a dispute over $340 from last September (School supplies) that she now implies means that I am late in my support payments and she is going to claim both kids on her taxes, even though the decree says we split them and I have already filed my taxes. Saying this will gain her $3,000 on her filing and invalidate mine, she has said we can avoid the whole thing if I just pay her $3,000 - What The Fuck!

• She gets 50% of my net income plus all of her income and I have paid her early every month
• She gets 40% of any annual bonus I were ever to get while she keeps 100% of hers
• She kept the house (that could not be sold) and EVERY SINGLE ITEM in the house that is mortgaged in my name alone
• I pay 1/2 the association fee and external maintenance on a house I do not live at
• She kept the newer car that had the loan in my name alone
• I pay 1/2 of all activity fees and 2/3 of all medical bills
• I paid 70% of my income during the 2+ years we were separated so that all the home bills were paid while I lived in a basement with no windows.

I have always paid on time (before time) and still paid for haircuts and clothes for the kids because she tells them to ask me to. I look at some of the ex-husbands on some of the blogs I read like Shibari or deadbeat fathers like Babushka had to deal with. I am not looking for a medal just a realization for PB that I am doing my part with our kids and with her.

I have admitted 100 times over that I was not the greatest husband and apologized over and over. I have accepted my part but left because of an inability to forgive me - I get that and can live with that.

But when is it enough - when is it that PB will finally be able to move on and no longer feel the need to make sure "I don't get away with hurting her"

I do not control that, but I fear that day will never come. I do not like what this does to the kids or to Babushka, but I cannot drop to her level - they need a role model and so do I.

Glad I have role models that walk through tough times with dignity and grace.

I love you Babushka!! Thanks for being such a wonderful role model

Life Continues Without Us...

Babushka and I are in our new house going on two weeks now and finally are fully-internet-functional. While there are many wonderful updates to write about I was touched by two recent posts I read today by a couple of bloggers we follow who I wanted to catch up on.

Dana posted Sunday about a secret of hers that must have elicited some unflattering comments. This prompted our favorite Biscuit to express her support and disclose her own past struggles. The correspondence and support have continued in a manner that shows the absolute best in people. It caused me to reflect on the happiness I now have within me and who I am today, as this was not the way it always was.

This blog started as I was beginning the walk away from the years of shame I lived. Dana's secret spoke to me at a number of personal levels - not just the inner pain we feel but the insanity around how others 'interpret' what we do or why we do it - the intensity of shame. The absolute frustration when those who are supposed to love you JUST DON"T GET IT!

I used alcohol and pornography to escape my shame, yet every time I did either my shame just grew. The immediate short-term relief of self came at a cost - breaking the bounds of my own morality. A loss of morality that led me to break commandments and then struggle to justify those decisions and finally go back to the medicating activity that caused me so much emotional harm, just to help me forget that my justifications did not stand up to the light.

I am blessed today with a life that has something that I once did not have - Hope. Hope that I could be loved by others and worthy of love by myself. I was told many years ago in therapy that until I had hope that I would continue to struggle, and I did.

I am neither promoting and decisions for others or pretending to know what the 'right answer' is for them. I simply read those posts and it brought back to me (in the middle of my office) the agony I used to live with every day.

Anyone who has lived with this knows that anyone will do nearly anything to stop feeling that loneliness. Those who have never felt it will never understand.

Moving but not getting anywhere

That is how it feels - at least regarding the internet. After 3 appointments with the cable company we finally had to move on to plan B - Dish Network and DSL.

Hopefully by Thursday Babushka and I will be back and rearing to go - We are enjoying the house!!!