Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Together Again

TMI - 7/29/08

1) What is your language pet peeve. (example 'hot water heater', why would you heat hot water)
KAHUNA – I strongly dislike when people speak of themselves in the third person.
BABUSHKA - Phrases like, "I am just saying" or "And, so, what happened is" that are used in every other sentence. Drives me crazy!

2) What is your favorite word? Both dirty and clean?
KAHUNA – As this is a tribute to George Carlin, the word ‘ballsniffer’ comes to mind from one of his routines. Depending on context it could be both dirty and clean.
BABUSHKA - Clean = Adore or Missy Dirty = Dirty, or little, or slut, or dirty little slut

3) What is the one word you cannot spell?
KAHUNA – Receive (spellcheck always correct it for me but I always spell it ‘recie….)
BABUSHKA - Just. I always spell it jsut.

4) What is the one word you always pronounce wrong?
KAHUNA – Cub (Inside joke for my lovely Babushka)
BABUSHKA - I cannot think of one that always do wrong. Not that I speak properly. Just no one points out what I say thats wrong.

5) If you could erase one popular catchphrase from the english language, what would it be?
KAHUNA – “Cold enough for you?” – Yes it is so shut up
BABUSHKA -

Bonus (as in optional): The late, and very hot Michael Hutchence (INXS) once sang, "Words are weapons, sharper than knives" . What is the most hurtful thing you have ever said to anyone? Was it deliberate or accidental? What was the most hurtful thing ever said to you? Do you think it was deliberate or accidental?
KAHUNA – Most hurtful thing I have said to someone - “I am leaving” – Yes it was deliberate. Most hurtful thing said to me – “Wine” Context: Ex and I were in marriage counseling and therapist asked the ex a hypothetical question of “If you had to choose between Kahuna or your wine which would you choose?” Funny thing is that I was the alcoholic (not her) and having alcohol always around was not helpful to trying to stay sober.
BABUSHKA - The most hurtful thing I think I have ever said to anyone was probably I hate you to my mother. Though she is judgmental, she never gave up on me. The most hurtful thing I have ever had said to me was probably by my mother who recently told me that my age (19) was no excuse for my not being a good mother from the start. Because, I was "not that young". It was deliberate.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

TMI - 7/29/08

What is your language pet peeve. (example 'hot water heater', why would you heat hot water)
KAHUNA – I strongly dislike when people speak of themselves in the third person.

What is your favorite word? Both dirty and clean?
KAHUNA – As this is a tribute to George Carlin, the word ‘ballsniffer’ comes to mind from one of his routines. Depending on context it could be both dirty and clean.

What is the one word you cannot spell?
KAHUNA – Receive (spellcheck always correct it for me but I always spell it ‘recie….)

What is the one word you always pronounce wrong?
KAHUNA – Cub (Inside joke for my lovely Babushka)

If you could erase one popular catchphrase from the english language, what would it be?
KAHUNA – “Cold enough for you?” – Yes it is so shut up

Bonus (as in optional): The late, and very hot Michael Hutchence (INXS) once sang, "Words are weapons, sharper than knives" . What is the most hurtful thing you have ever said to anyone? Was it deliberate or accidental? What was the most hurtful thing ever said to you? Do you think it was deliberate or accidental?
KAHUNA – Most hurtful thing I have said to someone - “I am leaving” – Yes it was deliberate.

Most hurtful thing said to me – “Wine” Context: Ex and I were in marriage counseling and therapist asked the ex a hypothetical question of “If you had to choose between Kahuna or your wine which would you choose?” Funny thing is that I was the alcoholic (not her) and having alcohol always around was not helpful to trying to stay sober.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Cute Test

So, I took a test just for fun. It was one of those silly tests asking "Are you. . ." It was naughty or nice. Here is what I scored:

You're Pretty Tame

Most people think you're as good as gold. We know better. Sure, you're generally a by-the-book, law-abiding model citizen, but every once in a while you like to break a rule or three. Skinny dipping? Done it. Had a drink too many now and then? Guilty as charged. But chances are that's pretty much the worst of it. We all have a few skeletons in our closet, but when it comes right down to it, you're a nice person. You wouldn't dream of making a serious play for your best friend's squeeze, and you always pay your traffic fines — speeding and parking tickets. It's a good balance. If everyone was like you, the world would be a happier place, so keep it up!

Too funny!

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Stuff

I am glad to report there is very little to write about today. Thought, I will probably end up writing a long time about nothing.

We had a garage sale this week. Lucky me. We have it at my home, because it is closest to the cities. All the crap decended on my house over a month ago, but rain canceled the original dates.

I am pretty sure that I made more than I actually received. But, my sister seems to think it is ok to borrow whatever she feels justified in taking without my approval. It is garage sale stuff. It is not worth arguing about.

Kind of like my bag of change. At my niece's softball tournement, I had my bag of change from my tips. I keep it in the car. It was pretty close to full. I had it out so I could buy each of my 4 nieces a treat, had to chance the foster baby's diaper and forgot I put the bag in the diaper bag when doing so. We are only talking like $30 worth of change. But, when I called my sister and asked her about it, she said that the girls must have found and took it. Nice.

I love my sister because she is my sister. I tolerate my sister because she will take away my nieces if I do not. But, I do not trust her any farther than I can throw her (and she is heavier than I am, so that is not very far). At least all the crap is gine. We donated everything that did not sell.

Oh, I am down to 175! There, I said it. Yes, I am thick. But, 175 sounds fat. Looking at the pics out there, I don't look like what I believe 175 looks like. I would like to be 160. That means only 15 more lbs to go. I like my curves. I just want to be a healthier curvy lady.

Talk about weight, my mom is very unhealthy overweight. She was diagnosed as borderline diabetic and has totally changed her life around. She is almost total vegetarian and has lost 18lbs in 6 weeks. She is looking so much better and healthier. I am so happy for her.

Kahuna is doing so good. I am so proud of him! He has been walking through these last couple of days better than I could have prayed for. It is totally understandable if he had rough days. But, thankfully, he has a good network of people supporting him.

PB has continued to attempt to dig her nails into Kahuna. I will try to explain this without totally confusing things: Wednesday Kahuna got a call from his atty. PB's atty called Kahuna's atty. PB really wants to keep the house. She is willing to make the payments on it. In return for her making payments on a home that is over mortgaged, it is only fair, they reason, that she get 100% of his 401K, which is no small amount of money. I am so proud of Kahuna for not allowing his desire to "get this over with" overpower his sense of logic.

1) She would not qualify for the house on her own, so it would stay in his name.
2) She is making $10/hr. $10x40hrsx4wks = 1600/month before taxes. The mortgage is not quite twice that.
3) 1 + 2 = his still paying the mortgage in the end to save his credit.

12 days left!

Well, my home looks as if a tornado went through it. When my sister and her 4+ kids come, everything falls to pieces. So, I had better go clean. Hope all is well for all.

~Babushka

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Sans TMI Tuesday....

....as in I am not feeling the vibe to participate today, even though the topic is near and dear to my heart (flatulence).

I find myself in a strange place right now with the divorce trial just over 2 weeks from now. I find my mood and outlook changing by the minute. Upbeat one moment and depressed the next. It is a very wearing time and not all that serene. I am in pain, knowing that either way the trial ends will be hurtful to Dude and Peaches.

It is a perfect playground for my addictive behaviors to make themselves known. They come up without me realizing what is happening. That was the case last week when I masturbated to porn one night - something I said I would hold off from until after the trial. Most days this is not a big issue, as Babushka and I enjoy this activity together and share with one another. But right now it is a dangerous place for me to go.

But where does the line end? Today I ended up reading a business story in the NY Times about the founder of Kink.com. Although it was a business focus story, was I there prepping for my upcoming MBA classes? Nope I was not, although I do admit the financial and operational evolution of these online sites over the last decade was a very interesting read.

The sexual nature initially peaked my interest, not the business nature of the column. In either instance, not the best article to read at the office. Again, what this tells me is that I am in a vulnerable place right now - one that means I need to stay connected and be transparent.

So I pull out my daily meditation for men, find the page for July 22nd and this is the first sentence: "Pain is a part of Life."

The entire text is a bit long (plus I am too lazy to type it all)but the reflection at the bottom of the page says it all: "My pain will teach me something I need to know and it will have an end. I will pay attention to its' lessons."

So that is what I shall do - pay attention. Pay attention to my feelings and to my state of mind. Pay attention to my risks and my successes. Pay attention to all of the people in my life that I am truly grateful for.

And take it all as it comes - a day at a time

Saturday, July 19, 2008

How we are doing

Well, it has been a while since we have written about us again. It is funny how helpful it is, but it seems to be the last thing we do.

DIVORCE
As of today, there are 19 days left until Kahuna's divorce trial. There is nothing new going on with regards to this. Yet, there seems to be so much going on with regards to this:

**It is hard to write(and makes me sick to my stomach), but the honest truth I have to be reminded of. . . It may not be over. There is always the chance that the judge will say they have too much on their plate and cannot devote the necessary attention to this divorce and hold things off again. The superstitious part of me didn't want to write or say that because I don't want to make it come true. But, it is the truth. At least, this time, it will not be PB's stomping of her foot, pouting or general unwillingness to participate that holds things back. We have so many people praying for us, who have been there from the beginning. I have not had the heart to tell them that this is a possibility. Probably because I feel deep in my heart that we have been through enough. Our God, our Higher Power, would not put us through more of this. It is our turn as peace without this fear hanging over our heads.

**We had storms last week. Kahuna's old house was damaged. The next day, PB was cut a check, there on the spot, made out to PB and the mortgage company ONLY! Come to find out, PB had gotten a new insurance policy IN HER NAME ONLY. Funny how she can do that with the mortgage being in Kahuna's name, only. The insurance company doesn't get involved with matters like this. The mortgage company doesn't care whos name the insurance is in, as long as there is sufficient insurance. Good timing, though, to show how financially incompetent she is and what a travesty it would be to make Kahuna fully responsible for the financial troubles THEY were in. Who accepts a check out right before you even get bids or estimates?

**Kahuna's old neighbors and used-to-be friends were at his old house one day visiting with PB. Kahuna had reached out to the man at one point, hoping to maintain some sort of friendship with no response received. It was uncomfortable and painful for my Kahuna. This is a friendship he had not allowed himself to mourn.

**Kahuna has his good days and his bad days. Sometimes we are fearful of what could happen. If he gets some vindictive, man hating, divorced judge who's ex was an alcoholic or sex addict, she may take her rage out on him. Than again, as I write this, I realize we have never mentioned the possibility that Karma will give Kahuna a judge who was once "taken to the cleaners" by an ex wife like PB. Prayer and acceptance, that is all we can do.

WORK
I did not get the job at the other county. But, that's ok. It would have been a huge jump in responsibilities and I totally understand their needing someone who required less initial training. I have not given up. I will keep my eyes open and something else may come along. I ran into a few frustrating times this week. Again, a conversation about something I was really excited to do (because they want to better utilize my speaking skills and my ability to be comfortable in front of crowds) turned into someones responsibility. I have my review next week. I will bring it up then. They have not even told me, yet, that I don't get to be the one to do the thing I was excited about. With as many times as promises have been broken in the year I have been there, I am starting to fear that the promotion promised to me at my 6 mo review to be given at my year will be just another carrot dangled but never reached.

Kahuna's job has finally quited down just a bit. The current large conversions of portfolios are complete. Now he just deals with people's general unwillingness to admit they need to follow the rules and procedures, just like everyone else.

HOME
On the positive side, BuddyLuv is home! I am so happy to have him home again! He will probably only be here for a week. It is best for him to go back with my parent's to the far north because there is a tutor up there working with him and he is making leaps and bounds! He is so beautiful!

Peaches likes me! Last weekend I got to spend some time with her and Kahuna. We ate dinner, watched TV, talked, played Clue and she was even excited to try the desert I made. This is a big deal because she is not one to try something new. And, part of the desert is something she normally does not really go for. There is a special family desert in my family. It is simple, but has a deep meaning behind it I will not get into now. We made mostly baked chocolate chip bars, still gooey, put them on a plate while still warm, put icecream and chocolate sauce on top of them. Peaches decorated the chocolate on my plate as if I were eating as a fancy restaurant.

Dude chose not to spend time with us. Rather, he spent the evening downstairs, away from me. I know, I am not supposed to take it personally. He is a teenager. Almost 15. He is testing to see what he can get away with. when Kahuna picked him up in my car, I was at Kahuna's with Peaches, Dude advised Kahuna that Kahuna should have "checked with" him before making plans for me to be over. This led to him texting Kahuna when he wanted something from upstairs. The whole Dude thing led to a difficult discussion between Kahuna and I. We talked it out. It also led to a discussion between Dude and Kahuna. Dude asked not to be surprised by my appearances. Kahuna asked that Dude share his concerns, but also understand that he does not have a say in changing Kahuna's plans. If they communicate, it will work out fine.

SCHOOL
I am proud to announce that Kahuna has signed up for the necessary classes for him to obtain his doctorate. If all goes as planned, this will allow Kahuna the opportunity to teach his trade in two years. He also thinks this will allow for me to go to school while removing the financial argument against returning to school. If he is teaching, I go for free! I am looking forward to that day!

BYE
Well, I have been writing for some time now. I need to go and spend time with BuddyLuv before I head off to work. Kahuna, for all the ups and downs we have, there is no one I would rather go through these things with. There is no one I would be more proud to have at my side. There is no one that I have more faith in than you. I adore you and miss you and cannot wait till tomorrow when you, BuddyLuv and I can spend time together!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

TMI

1. What were you known as in HS (Jock, Princess, Geek)
BABUSHKA - I was the invisible dork that tried so hard to fit in, but no one really saw.

2. What were you really?
BABUSHKA - Thats what I was.

3. If you could go back and tell your 16 year old self one thing, what would it be?
BABUSHKA - Nothing. I wouldn't want to change a thing. If I did tell myself something, it would alter the future, even if I did not mean it to.

4. If you could erase one moment from your school days what would it be?
BABUSHKA - If I could erase one moment from my school days that WOULD NOT alter my future, I would erase the moment I was told how these two boys were going to rape me.

5. Who did you not date (or more) that you wish you did?
BABUSHKA - Again, if it WOULD NOT alter my future, I wished I would have dated my one true crush I had from 7-12th grade!

Bonus (as in optional): If you went to prom, describe your outfit.
BABUSHKA - Nope, didn't go. . .

Monday, July 14, 2008

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves."

I had a very interesting discussion with my Babushka tonight. She bravely disclosed to me something that occurred a few weeks back that she was ashamed of - something she was reluctant to tell me. Even though she was concerned of how I would react she told told me anyway, having faith in us.

It reminded me of all the times in my previous relationship where I was never forgiven for my mistakes. I still remember vividly that feeling inside - never being able to disclose an error in judgment, knowing it would just be added to the list of past transgressions - stored away until some future date when it would be needed to remind me just how 'less then' and 'unworthy' I truly was. Forgiveness was a concept; a theory - nothing tangible to actually be experienced.

I left that way of life two years ago next month - I have no interest in keeping a ledger of choices we later look back on think "uugh, why did I do that!" Because as humans that is what we do sometimes. That is why God asks us to forgive as he has forgiven us. I see these two quotes and it reminds me that for many on this earth the "concept" of forgiveness is so much easier for them than the act of actually forgiving someone.

"The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves."

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

I could not agree more. I love my Babushka as I love myself

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

TMI

1. LUST: Besides your current Significant Other who do you lust for or have you lusted for?
BABUSHKA - Wow, these are good questions! Who do I lust for? Hmmmm. . . I have convinced myself that I lusted for every partner I have had in the past
KAHUNA – As a guy, I suppose I have lusted for nearly every woman I have found attractive, at least at a basic level of thought.


2. GLUTTONY: What food brings out your inner glutton?
BABUSHKA - Ice cream (choc w/ pb w/ pb cups w/choc sauce), Pannycakes/Waffles, Pizza with rich, thick sauce
KAHUNA – Ice Cream, Pistachios, Swedish Fish.


3. GREED: What are you greedy for?
BABUSHKA - Peace of mind. Shoes. Purses. Jewelry sets to switch up daily!
KAHUNA – Serenity, Peace and Material Possessions.


4. SLOTH: What is your plan for an ideal day of sloth?
BABUSHKA - Pre-prepaired foods ready to go, headed to the falls just to sit, talk, rest and relax. Oh, or never getting dressed, watching movies all day long!
KAHUNA – Laying around Nekkid with Babushka.


5. WRATH: Describe a time that you let out a can of whoop ass on someone.
BABUSHKA - Funny! Uhm, The first thing that comes to mind was when I intervened and spoke to the man my sister had an affair with. I never raised my voice. Because the three of us worked together, I took him into a conference room and told him I knew what had happened, as did everyone else we worked with. He would not hurt my family or my nieces (3 under 5). He would not talk to my sister about non-work items again until she decided if she was going to stay married. He would not call her, or email her, or anything. Yes, I know, looking back, this was not my place. But, I did what I thought I had to in order to protect my nieces.
KAHUNA – I cannot say that I can describe a time like this. My most angry moments have revolved around my (almost) Ex-Wife. Although these have been loud and can include much profanity, I do not view these with a sense of pride that “letting out a can of whoop ass” would suggest.


6. ENVY: Who or what do you envy? Why?
BABUSHKA - I envy people who make enough money to not worry about if they will make it this day, week or month. I cannot afford to replace the terrible windows in my home. Yet, if I don't, it sounds like I will not be able to afford to keep the house heated this winter.
KAHUNA – I would initially agree with Babushka but it has been my experience in observing others over time that there is no such thing as “making enough money not to worry”. In general it seems that people spend just above their means no matter how much that is, and therefore have financial worries whether they make $2,000 a month or $20,000 a month.


7. PRIDE: Have you ever had to swallow your pride? What are you proud of?
BABUSHKA - Yes, Kahuna has been very helpful. At first it was incomprehensible that he would WANT to help me. For no reason other than to be helpful. I am proud of my Kahuna. I am proud of me. I am proud of what I have accomplished. I am proud of my child, and Kahuna's children. I am proud to be with him. I am proud of myself professionally and personally.
KAHUNA – See Babushka’s answer.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Door

Door you, Kahuna. Thank you for the most wonderful 4 days! You are an amazing treasure!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Kahuna Belated TMI

Between work and baseball with Dude, it is 10:00pm and I am a little late for an official TMI posting. But considering Babushka spent all that time and effort thinking up the questions for the "Marriage TMI".....

My view of marriage is certainly skewed due to my personal circumstances. In the eyes of the state I am in fact still married, though not due to my lack of effort or mobey spent. In 5 weeks my divorce trial will begin, 2 years after I left the marriage.

I may be jumping questions, but to address the reason I got married - fear. Fear that no one else would put up with the drunk that I was. Fear that I would drink myself to death without supervision. Fear I would end up alone.

Fear is the same reason I spent 15 years in a marriage that I knew I was unhappy in. For 9 of those years, that marriage was a convenient excuse to not take sobriety seriously. The loneliness of being in a marriage where I had no voice was ready-made for the addict in me - to convince myself I might as well drink/drug/medicate again. It was my safe haven - I was a dissapointment and an embarrassment to my wife and in-laws, but that was expected and accepted.

The last 6 years were not a great deal more sober, but the personal loss I felt in my failures could no longer be drank away. I wanted more for my life, just did not know how to get there. I began to feel like I worthy of something other than disdain and rejection. For those last six years a commom statement I made to my then spouse was in the line of "If this is all there is to marriage, I do not want it".

This is dragging on, but to get to the remaining TMI topics:
- Yes I do believe in divorce, but the process of getting divorced is flawed. As with any legal proceeding, the only real survivors seem to be the attorneys.

- I believe in the "concept" of marriage, as Babushka so eloquently described it in her answer #2 but again find the process to get there flawed. I will spare everyone the diatribe of my wedding day - at least for this post :-)

My experience with weddings in general are that you end up spending extensive time and money on people you either do not know or do not like for no other reason then to try and outdo someone else whose wedding you were at or impress some relatives that were snotty or judgemental toward you over the past years. Can't wait to experience that again!

Bottom line - I love Babushka and neither a piece of paper nor some pompous evening with a drunk groomsman and dollar dance will valiidate that. How I treat her on a daily basis is how she will know my love is true, not the kind of wedding cake that is served or the type of gifts given.

As far as same-sex marriage, I am all for it - Why should gay men and/or lesbian women not have to suffer like the rest of us!

Take care and happy TMI

TMI

1. Do you believe in marriage?
BABUSHKA - Yes. For me, personally, I do believe in it.


2. What is marriage to you?
BABUSHKA - Ya know, I thought up this question. . . But, I don't know the I know the answer. At least, not that I can put into words in the few minutes that I have. . . First, marriage is more than just a day. It is more than the wedding. Marriage is the traditional official commitment that states I choose you, above all others, as my lover, partner and friend. Marriage says I see us on the same path, the same journey, and I want to take that journey with you. I want you to take this journey with me. At the end of the day, it is you I want to come home to. It is you I want to support and it is you by whom I want to be supported. It is your shoulder that I want to cry on. It is my shoulder I want you to cry on. I want to share my everything with you because you let me be me. This is just a start of what marriage means to me.


3. If you are married, why did you do it? If you are not, why have you not married?
BABUSHKA - I have not married because I always tried to make myself be "the one" for whomever I was with at that time. I was not me. And, no matter how close I was to marriage(see past postings) I never got to that point. I couldn't.


4. Do you believe in divorce?
BABUSHKA - Yes. Too many people get married for the wrong reasons. I am not saying wrong in my book, because who am I to judge. But, they get married for the wrong reasons as in reasons that do not last and do not equate to the level of commitment that marriage should be. If that is the case, they should not have to truly suffer for the rest of their lives. People make judgment calls. If they make a bad call that someday becomes destructive to one or both of the parties, the definitely should be divorced. Life is too short and precious to be miserable.


5. If you are divorced, why did you do it? If you have not, are there certain circumstances under which you would agree to a divorce?
BABUSHKA - Yes, if I were to marry for the wrong reasons or find myself in a destructive marriage, I would divorce. But, you can believe I would fight tooth and nail to make sure that never happens.

Bonus (as in optional): [ed note:I am not trying to spark a get political debate, I am much to superficial for that] Do you believe that same sex marriages are a threat to traditional marriages?
BABUSHKA - No. 100000000000000000000000000% no! A same sex marriage would not physically or mentally endanger a single soul on this earth. To say they are a threat would be a judgment call. And, it is not my judgment call to make.