Tuesday, January 30, 2007
It is a great feeling to make mistakes and not feel like they will follow me into the future. It is a dynamic that I am reminded of as my life transitions between old and new - from pain to promise. It is a transition that does not occur quickly or easily. Steps forward and steps backward. This is a transition I try to walk through with dignity and grace each day; one day at a time. Thankfully Babushka is not only supportive but proud of my walk.
My Babushka: Proud, Supportive, Gentle, Caring and Horny!!
Thank goodness for Horny. We are planning an evening alone together and we are both getting a little "Randy"- as in Austin Powers not Quaid. I have been spending much idle time thinking of her and her HWP. I have been thinking back to the Christmas party we attended - our first formal gathering together and her proclamation to me - " I must have forgotten to put panties on."
I spent most of the evening thinking of her bare pussy underneath her dress and all the attention I wanted to give 'her'.
The same attention I would like to be giving 'her right now
The same attention I hope to be giving 'her' this weekend
Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
....................And what living it is indeed!!!
Sunday, January 28, 2007
In my quest to be "witty"; "funny" and "cool", I made a crappy comment about an ex in-law and his live in girlfriend. In that mode of being cool I failed to take Babushka's feelings into consideration. Given that she had been in the same situation earlier in her life, my comments were extremely hurtful to Babushka.
I could see the hurt and tears in her eyes and my heart just broke. I apologized and held her tight and told her how sorry I was. She was able to accept my apology. I typically do not forgive myself as easily. Regrettably we cannot take back things we say, no matter how much we would like to. We hurt the ones we care about the most, typically unintentionally.
I spent many years trying to not hurt others, paralyzed by indecision and second-guessing. It never truly mattered as I hurt them anyway and then looked for ways to medicate my disappointment in myself.
I am sad that I hurt Babushka today but glad that we are close enough to one another that it mattered to her. I am human and will hurt others again as they will hurt me. I can only own my actions and make promptly make amends. That is what I was able to do tonight - make amends and receive forgiveness.
These are the days of our lives......
Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
Even with my faults of today - I choose Livin'
My slate will be clean tomorrow - for that I am grateful.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Sinclair- I found her blog through another blog via a 'Sugasm' link. As I am want to do, whenever I go to a blog for the 1st time I go to the beginning. This one grabbed my attention right off. In this case, her blog started as someone lonely and missing the physical/sexual aspect of her relationship with her girlfriend. It amazes me the more I expand my horizons in the blog world the more I see how similar we are as humans - straight, gay, lesbian, bi, single, divorced, married, etc. We all just want to be wanted, cared about, attractive to someone and to feel safe to share all of ourselves with.
That is what makes me so thankful for Babushka. I am myself with her and share all of myself with her - positive and negative. I do not fear the truth with her. I now know it is more than sex I have been missing.
I want it all - Intimacy
Emotional, Spiritual, Physical and Sexual Intimacy
Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
Thursday, January 25, 2007
When I started this blog my intent was that it be a 'Sex Blog'- filled with my tales of exploration and liberation toward healthy sexuality like so many of the blogs I read.
Instead my thoughts are on:
- My son's frustration during his basketball games
- Fouls are bad calls and others fault
- Expenses greater than income for 16 years
- I pay for 100%
- I say I am broke and she follows with "I need more money - I am overdrawn"
- She deserves so much more than I can give her now
- Yet I cherish every moment I get with her
And a freshly shaved HWP doesn't hurt either!!
Get Busy Livin' or get Busy Dyin'
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Babushka and I were able to share today. We were close, we were intimate and we were visible to others. You see, Babushka and I share a place of employment. Our relationship together has been quiet around the workplace. Not hidden but discreet in relation to other associates.
This was important to me when Babushka and I began dating, especially given the brief timeframe between my separation and our starting point. Affairs are hidden - Relationships are not. I have been down the hidden path in a previous life and did not in any way want my Babushka feeling like we should be ashamed.
Not surprisingly, the Rumor Mill (RM) of our relationship has started to churn at a faster rate as time has gone along. Whispers and glancing looks peaked into crescendo today, as both of us were confronted at separate times.
To paraphrase my meeting with the RM Committee Head:
- "People are talking"
- " We are afraid that this is a rebound for you"
- " If you hurt her we will be forced to beat you to a pulp"
We are our own worst critic as well as enemy. We are forgiving of others' transgressions much sooner than our own.
They see Babushka with the same eyes as I do - wonderful and worthy of all possible blessings.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Anyhow, I was thinking of my Babushka last night and I masturbated. I know - "Who Cares - What is the big deal" you may say. The fact is that my past life was filled with being shamed by others for this activity. Granted, it was typically an activity that I abused as an addictive substitute for alcohol or sexual interaction. It was a coping mechanism used to not face the pain associated with my unmet needs.
These thoughts of masturbation being "wrong" do not die easy. As I embark on my new journey I realize that I do not believe that masturbation is "evil or bad" - that feeling was a result of others beliefs.
I do know I have abused it and used it for medication vs. true enjoyment. Not sure how I should feel. Am I justifying a behavior or trying to convince myself of something I want to believe.
I dunno - I don't feel ashamed or uneasy - I am tired of treating my sexuality as something I cannot enjoy with myself as well as my dear Babushka.
It's not like I am going blind - but things are starting to get a bit blurry :-)
In the words of the immortal Steven Stills:
"If you can't be with the one you love honey love the one your with"
Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin' - so says the Kahuna
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Babushka and I were only able to spend a couple hours together. The 'Little B' was under the weather so time was spent taking care of him. The three of us watched a few episodes of The Simpsons - a sure-fire cure for anything that ails a person. Babushka and I were able to cuddle under the blanket for a little bit. To be brief, I was provided the opportunity and the pleasure of bringing her to orgasm. It had been much too long since I had felt that wonderful trembling beneath my fingertips.
I feel so close to Babushka when she cums. I share in her joy - in her release. I feel as satisfied when she orgasms as if it were me who were completing the bodily release. I love that feeling of closeness and satisfaction.
Additionally, I enjoy being emotionally present for Babushka and Little B. I know that she appreciates my interest and concern. Yet that means so much to me to be available - to be a man of integrity and honor. Being a good an honorable man is not something to be ashamed from. I cherish and celebrate the well rounded person that I am.
I said early on I want it all - Emotional, Spiritual, Physical as well as Sexual. I told Babushka tonight I was torn between telling her how much I appreciate and adore her presence in my life and letting her know I wanted ti bend her over the kitchen table and fuck like the world was coming (or cumming) to an end.
The honest to goodness truth is that I want them both - I want it all.
- Good Times; Bad Times and Comfortable Times
- Loving Times; Naughty Times and Kinky Times
I'll be Livin'......Thank You Very Much
Friday, January 19, 2007
- Walking through tough discussions with dignity and grace
- Expressing true concerns felt about one another
- Presenting to each other our own struggles with fear and insecurity
- Being simpathetic of - but not taking ownership for - the others' struggle
- Acknowleding to other that they are worth the effort of this journey
A wise woman once told me to be pateint and take "Baby Steps". As you watch a toddler you realize that baby steps are not easy -in fact they are downright scary. Somehow the infant perserveres in the face of their failure to immediately succeed. Every tumble is followed by another attempt to walk.
Perseverence and Determination - more present at 14 months than at 40 years. Small steps can be just as powerful as any record-breaking long jump. Age is as much a function of attitude as it is biology. Babies as life coaches? - Hmmmmmmmmm.
Anyhow, as Chandler says on Friends - "..and yet I find myself strangely aroused by this." Babushka may be busy this weekend!
-- Frederick Douglass
-- Lord George Gordon Byron
Saturday, January 13, 2007
This is the thought in the mind of Babushka.
"Perhaps she should not date someone who is not completely divorced - someone who cannot be fully committed to her. "
This is the question placed at her feet.
I cannot effectively argue that point - she deserves the absolute best and 100% of a man's time and attention - something I cannot give her at this point.
Babushka is comfortable with dating me and being with me, except sexually. She is conflicted with the sexual component of us. I have had a difficult time coming to terms with this. I find the old tapes of sex being selfish, dirty and wrong have awakened. The times we shared that were once passionate, joyful, healthy - are they now unhealthy in her eyes?
I honor and respect Babushka; her morals, her values, her charater. These questions posed to her have unibtentionally exposed my fears and insecurities - the old wounds on my past.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
At one time or another all of us have had one of those tough, soul-searching discussions where your faith, your morality, your values and your eternal damnation inevitably come into question. We all know what that leads to - introspection, second-guessing and general confusion.
Babushka just had one of those discussions. I could hear the weight of it in her voice. Being strong, supportive and understanding in a time of need - that is what any good man strives to do. That is what I strive for. That is what Babushka deserves and gets from me....until the topic triggers my own old tapes of fear and insecurity.
What could possibly trigger such a dramatic turn of events - sex of course. Sex is that paradox of beauty and beast; pain and pleasure. No other force can bring so much joy yet cause so much destruction........It's All a Matter of Perspective.
Babushka and I have felt that joy, that passion, that closeness and intimacy through sex that I never knew existed in real life. The type of connection many strive for but never reach. Yet this simple act can be a cause for celebration or a reason for concern........It's All a Matter of Perspective.
Perspectives of Sex are as varied as every snowflake in the frozen tundra. One persons sin is anothers' salvation.......It's All a Matter of Perspective.
What exactly is healthy sexuality anyway:
- When is it appropriate?
- When is it inappropriate?
- What is allowed?
- What is not allowed?
- What is moral?
- What is immoral?
Is there a "Right" answer?
Perhaps there is no "Right" answer!
It all depends on who you ask........It's All a Matter of Perspective
Everything happens for a reason................................What is meant to be will be.
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
- Am I ashamed of the decision or action?
- Can I stand in front of those I care about with my head high?
- Do I not feel defensive with the decision or action in the face of others' disapproval?
- Can I look at myself in the mirror and not look away?
Everything happens for a reason
What is meant to be will be.
My thoughts and prayers go out to my Babushka. I support her and adore her in whatever decision she needs to make. Let it be your decision - one you can be proud of in front of everyone and comfortable with when no on is around.
Sunday, January 7, 2007
Admittedly I was looking for evidence that supported my hopes rather than what I had been told. My on-line journeys lead me to women's advice sites, specifically www.ivillage.com. I found this to be very helpful in that there were women who had questions, concerns and challenges with their sexual identities, just as I did. This site introduced me to various "message boards" on a number of topics that helped me understand there were unhappy folks like me.
But where are the "sexually happy people" - what about ladies who actually enjoy and look forward to sex with their mate and are disappointed if they cannot connect on a regular basis - Do they exist?
One day in 2004 I found a link in a message board to a "blog" - whatever that was. This lead me to my first trip into the blogsphere - http://atasteofthegoodwife.blogspot.com/
I immediately was smitten by The Good Wife. She was interesting, sensual, sexual, wrote erotic stories and actually enjoyed fucking her husband. She reveled in her blog about the great sex her and Rick enjoyed and how much it meant to her. She longed for his touch and was noticeably saddened when he was away.
This is what I wanted!!!! Not multiple partners, threesomes, orgies with the cast of Desperate Housewives or a piece of ass for every day of the week. I simply wanted one beautiful woman to share intimacy with - emotional, spiritual and sexual - on a regular basis. Someone who would be disappointed if we went a period of time without touching, kissing or stroking each other.
A few years and a few hundred blogs later I finally have my Babushka. Earlier in the week we had Chinese and started watching a movie. While laying in each others arms she looks me in the eye and says very matter of fact: "I would really love to suck your cock but my stomach is too full from dinner". And then we just watched the rest of the movie before I had to go home. NO sense of loss or that I was "missing an opportunity" - very much thoughts and behaviors of my past. I was filled with all I needed from her just by being with her and secure in the knowledge that a sexual connection would be important to her and therefore occurring in the near future - perhaps a leisurely afternoon of lovemaking or going down on her in the middle of the kitchen.
Get busy livin' - it beats the hell out of dyin'.
As for The Good Wife, after a blessed birth in 2006 her sex life with Rick has not come back to its' true form. My hope for her is that Rick rediscovers his passion and gives her the high-hard one she so richly deserves.
Friday, January 5, 2007
And so I told Babushka everything about me - the good, the bad and the ugly (Go Ahead Punk - Make My Day). I basically told her about my life, including the decisions and behaviors that had caused me pain and I had been shamed for. Her response was always the way I dreamed of someone responding to me - safe, sensitive, caring and worthy of unconditional love. It made me realize I could accept the unhappiness I had always known or make the choice I had always thought about and dreamed of but was simply to scared of the unknown.
By God's grace the fear that for years had prevented me was lifted. That Sunday Night I had the talk I never could before. I cannot minimize how painful that discussion and the subsequent disclosure to the kids. I have felt a sense of serenity and peace that I have never known in recovery.
The final piece is in place.
I can be rigorously honest.
I can be spiritual.
I can be sexual.
I CAN BE ME.
Get Busy Livin' - I think I will
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
I have known my "Babushka" for quite a while. My first recollection back in the day was her continually positive and upbeat nature. Always there with a 'Greetings and Great Day' to accompany a 100-Watt smile.
As I became more familiar with her story the more amazed I was. A single mother who has continually had to overcome those who have taken advantage of her trusting nature and battled her own inner demons. Through it all she remains a person of personal integrity and spiritual foundation. I was drawn to her strength of character long before allowing myself to acknowledge her stunning physical beauty.
During the five weeks from my emotional end point and my physical end point I asked Babushka her thoughts on the many questions I had wrestled with for years -Perhaps a sanity 'Litmus Test' of what I felt vs. what I had been told to feel. Her responses to me made me realize that indeed I was healthier than some would believe - perhaps even in some ways 'wonderful'! Throughout these conversations I was still saddled in my fear that if she knew the "real" me that her admiration and respect for me would certainly evaporate.....
1). I admitted to my two children what had happened and that I was alcoholic
2). I told my partner if I could not be honest with her I needed to leave
3). I quit trying to earn love or affection from someone else and focused on me
2006 saw the first significant "Me" decision - I enrolled in college shortly thereafter (for me). This was a big step for me as I always have had a goal to complete my degree. I began to ask for the things in my relationship I wanted and at times challenged the answers when told they were wrong to need. My confidence in myself began to improve through the summer until a fateful "visit from the folks" - a topic that could be its' own blog! In short, I ended up drinking during their visit and once again found myself not disclosing. This occurred in unison with the most recent rejections of physical and emotional intimacy. This last rejection was intensely painful, more so than any of the hundreds of others previous. Yet it was also a culmination for me.
An end point...........a new beginning
Monday, January 1, 2007
3 different marriage counselors ultimately followed a familiar path of starting with my faults and transgressions and ended once it was time to "look at the other 50% of marital responsibility." This pattern became less acceptable to me each time it occurred. I saw that the dysfunction in the relationship was shared and not entirely of my doing. A wounded relationship cannot heal if only one side works on improvement and acknowledges responsibility.
I pursued my quest to uncover what "healthy sexuality" was and why it seemed so important to me. I obtained books, articles and CD's (mostly from Christian resources) on the topic and asked that they be taken into consideration as to why this was important to my feeling whole and cared for. My feelings and my needs for affection were summarily dismissed. As time moved on I only confirmed what I likely knew from the very beginning - I would never be loved, cared for or fulfilled within this life. Even with my deep desire to provide a stable environment for the children it was not 'if' it would end, it was only 'when'.
As is typically the case, this ended unfriendly for the involved parties and started a painful process for those closest to said parties. A brief separation and reconciliation were followed by marriage counseling, individual therapy and most significantly my introduction to SAA - a 12-step program modeled after AA but unlike AA does not promote abstinence but rather a spiritual program focused on the pursuit of healthy sexuality. The progress I have made in my life are in no small way due to the men that have become my brothers, modeling for me honesty, trust, dignity and grace.
His feeling of unworthiness continued for a number of years in a relationship focused on his "unhealthy" needs for admiration, affection and sexual interaction. Continually being made to feel like there was something wrong with his needs and ultimately himself were not conducive to sustained abstinence from either family 'friend'. This muddling along is a microcosm of the 90's, until a fateful decision in the fall of 1999 that would unknowingly change his life in ways he never anticipated.