Monday, March 23, 2009

What exactly do I "control"?

Life keeps reminding me that the answer to that is usually "not as much as you think" and then when I understand that the more detailed answer is "even less than that".

Working from home today as I had a bit of a headache. Long week/weekend with ups and downs but many reminders of my powerlessness over others behaviors and reactions. Hell, I seem to be powerlessness over my own behaviors and reactions too often.

I have really tried to keep this a place where I don't participate in the too often seen on other blogs "My ex-wife is a bitch" rant. All situations have differing viewpoints and one is never the gospel truth over the other. I am just tired of always getting new correspondence from her atty to mine about things she could have simply asked me about or are just not reasonable. The latest being a dispute over $340 from last September (School supplies) that she now implies means that I am late in my support payments and she is going to claim both kids on her taxes, even though the decree says we split them and I have already filed my taxes. Saying this will gain her $3,000 on her filing and invalidate mine, she has said we can avoid the whole thing if I just pay her $3,000 - What The Fuck!
  • She gets 50% of my net income plus all of her income and I have paid her early every month
  • She gets 40% of any annual bonus I were ever to get while she keeps 100% of hers
  • She kept the house (that could not be sold) and EVERY SINGLE ITEM in the house that is mortgaged in my name alone
  • I pay 1/2 the association fee and external maintenance on a house I do not live at
  • She kept the newer car that had the loan in my name alone
  • I pay 1/2 of all activity fees and 2/3 of all medical bills
  • I paid 70% of my income during the 2+ years we were separated so that all the home bills were paid while I lived in a basement with no windows.

I have always paid on time (before time) and still paid for haircuts and clothes for the kids because she tells them to ask me to. I look at some of the ex-husbands on some of the blogs I read like Shibari or deadbeat fathers like Babushka had to deal with. I am not looking for a medal just a realization for PB that I am doing my part with our kids and with her.

I have admitted 100 times over that I was not the greatest husband and apologized over and over. I have accepted my part but left because of an inability to forgive me - I get that and can live with that.

But when is it enough - when is it that PB will finally be able to move on and no longer feel the need to make sure "I don't get away with hurting her"

I do not control that, but I fear that day will never come. I do not like what this does to the kids or to Babushka, but I cannot drop to her level - they need a role model and so do I.

Glad I have role models that walk through tough times with dignity and grace.

I love you Babushka!! Thanks for being such a wonderful role model


Dana said...

This makes my heart hurt. There are good guys like you, and yet those who have them in their lives (the ex's) seem to take it for granted.

I admire you, for doing the right thing when it isn't easy, and Babushka for standing by you knowing that this is not a reflection on you, but on your ex.

Gillette said...

Divorce nightmare of the highest order. experience sure was 180. Sheesh...

So sorry about this for you, Kahuna. Thank heavens you have the 180 in your life (but in a better way :) )

Big Kahuna said...

Dana/Gillette - Thanks for the kind words. I am sure my former wife is justified in her mind. My hope had always been that this could be an amicable post-divorce relationship but it cannot at this point.

Sadly much of this is simply a reflection of her anger that my life did not fall apart after I left (which she always said it would).

Serves as a positive reminder that I did in fact make the right decision to leave - the bonus of finding my Babushka is icing on the cake!!!

having my cake said...

It's funny, people are already telling me Im not being tough enough on my soon to be ex financially and that I should see a solicitor and get the best deal I can.

FFS, Ive run our finances for years so I know what he does and doesnt have. I dont hate him and I dont want to ruin him or his health. Surely there must be a happy medium when it comes to financial settlements in divorce. Why does everything two people once felt for each other have to turn into bitterness and acrimony and translate in turn into haggling over money?

What you've been through and are continuing to endure sounds awful. I can only pray for the courage and honesty to stay fair through what is to come and that he will be similarly blessed x

Sorry, rant over

Big Kahuna said...

Thanks HMC - Actually it has not gotten any better but we take it a day at a time.

Each situation is unique and there are always two sides to a story - I try to remember that (not always successful). This certainly was not an easy decision for you - you will make the decisions that your mind and heart tell you are correct.

Good luck and God Bless