Sunday, December 28, 2008

Another Christmas Come and Gone

I must admit that I have never been a big fan of the 'holiday season', but this year I must say it was a truly enjoyable experience.

Christmas Eve was the inaugural 'Fab Five' evening with Babushka and I, along with the three amigos (Dude, BuddyLuv and Punkin). Over the last month or so, Babushka and BuddyLuv have been spending the weekends with the kids and I when they are with me. This is not easy, fitting 5 people into a 2 bedroom basement when Babushka and I do not share a room!! That said, I was nervous about how our first integrated holiday would go. It was a splendid day indeed! Presents were exchanged, games were played and cookies were baked. All this without the stress that I have felt on previous holidays (granted being with PB generally causes stress).

Christmas Day was just as nice, spent with Babushka's extended family. More cookies, more games and a successful dinner for 13 pulled off by yours truly (with Babushka of course). Our menu consisted of 4 Flank Steaks, Roasted Red Potatoes, Baby Greens Salad with homemade Balsamic Vinegarette and Dinner Rolls (ok - not baked by us). Another round of presents and games led to much joy and laughter. Again, all this yet no unrealistic expectations by those in attendance and little arguing amongst family members. Quite a treat.

Oh yeah - How could I forget Babushka seducing me (blanket in hand) into the bathroom of the basement for a little midnight rendezvous or the absolutely intense blowjob another evening just to ensure me a restful night :-)

Get Busy Livin or Get Busy Dyin

Mele Kelikimaka and Haouli Makahikihou

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

TMI Tuesday #166 - Merry Christmas!

1) What present do you hope ends up under you tree?
KAHUNA – Funny, Babushka and I were discussing this. She has had a hard time finding me anything for Christmas that is within our budget that someone else did not get me. It may sound corny, but Babushka in my life is a gift every day (although I look always look forward to unwrapping her).

2) What present are you most psyched about giving (PLEASE be vague or ignore this question if the recipient reads your blog)?
KAHUNA – This is the first year I truly (really truly) enjoyed Christmas shopping, as I found a couple of small things for Babushka that will touch her heart (and her funny bone). One was opened with the kids this weekend - A 2009 Audrey Hepburn calender.

3) DO you prefer to give or receive?
KAHUNA – As Babushka can attest to from last night, I prefer to give! I love the feeling of her muscles tensing up when she reaches her climactic release. It is a wonderful feeling to bring enjoyment to her…….plus I love how her skin gets ultra sensitive post-climax, allowing me to tease her with just the simplest touch.

4) What is your favorite part of a sexual partner's body?
KAHUNA – I love all of her body but we both know I am a butt man, especially her butt.

5) What is your favorite part your body - the one you hope a sexual partner will find or pay the most attention to?
KAHUNA – Shocking I know but I love when Babushka pays attention to my butt as well followed closely by my neck, feet and cock (in no particular order).

Bonus (as in optional): [Idea blatantly stolen from Os and hist HNT wishes.] What Christmas wishes would you grant to whom?
KAHUNA – I would grant Biscuit the teaching support that her son is not getting right now.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

A weekend of beauty

It is the weekend before Christmas. I love Christmas. And, I love where I am at. And, I love my life.

Sometimes I worry about all the ups and downs I have. When I get "out of sorts" I cry a lot. sometimes for no reason. Sometimes there is a reason.

But, that is not today. Today I am the happy me with the smiling heart, surrounded by my loving new family. My new son, Dude, has interacted with us, all of us, for the last 24 hours. My new daughter, Pumpkin, cuddled with me as the boys were being brothers. My son, BuddyLuv, has bonded with everyone.

I know it will not always be like this. But, these are the times that assure me, we are doing the right thing. This is a positive for everyone involved.

One day at a time. One moment at a time. Letting go of the regret lets you do this. Letting go of the regret lets you not have to regret missing this day and this moment.

Since I am not very good at posting often, to everyone out there reading this, and even those who are not:

Merry Christmas
May this be a time of blessings for you.
Even if you don't believe is Christmas,
I wish for you peace.

Thursday, December 18, 2008


I don't know why I cry so much. I could go on and on about what makes me cry. But, sometimes, it helps. And, I grow. And, I understand.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Its' been a week since my last confession......

It seems like life gets so crazy that the blog feels neglected. As we (I) prioritize our life with kids, work, school, extended family, holidays and the like the other simpler joys get left behind.

As with blogging, that is one of my hesitations regarding the 'M' word and all the fanfare of the event. Just like a brand new blog, all focus goes toward the 'blessed' day itself and life is consumed with that day.

The huge celebration with friends you rarely see anymore and family you do not like - everyone is on their best behavior and all smiles, waiting until the next week to talk 'trash' about this ugly centerpiece or that persons dress. My cynicism shows - my feelings toward Christmas are similar. The point of the day is Christ (Kahuna says knowing he is the antithesis of religious) , not who bought you what, why did you spend more on them than on me and all the stress with making sure food meant for 50 people (not the 10 you actually have) is done at relatively the same time as well as the inevitable arguing about dishes.

I love my Babushka and would rather spend my energy preparing for a lifetime with her, not an afternoon meant to impress everyone else. Obviously as all can see from my rant above, I have growth that needs to continue. I would never wish to deny my love of something so important to her.

I am simply afraid afraid. I do not want an artificial, superficial, arbitrary day to represent the 'celebration' of our life together.

I want our life as we live it together every singly day - the highs, lows and in betweens - to be that celebration.

Which one am I doing today?

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Kahuna's Challenge

A while back, Kahuna and I had a difficult discussion about marriage. It was difficult because we hold the same values, but see them differently. At the end of our discussion, Kahuna challenged me to explore my thoughts further. Go deeper into their meanings. Since then, I have kept a book by my bed to jot notes in. I have categorized those notes into three sections:
  • What marriage and a wedding mean
  • Details I see when I dream of our wedding
  • Experiences I don't want to miss and fear regretting if I do

This will probably be modified along the way. But, this is what I have come up with so far:

What marriage and a wedding mean
  • Celebration of us
  • Blessing of union
  • Recognition of union by God, family, others
  • Commitment to God and us

Details I see when I dream of our wedding
  • Kahuna, Babushka, Dude, BuddyLuv, Pumpkin
  • Dresses
  • Suits
  • Colorful flowers, not big, just pretty
  • Special to do for nieces
  • No bridesmaids/groomsmen
  • Religious person for blessing
  • No meal
  • Ice cream bar/buffet?
  • Deserts
  • Immediate family, 2nd family, friends not huge, those that matter)
  • My mom and I being able to do girl things together
  • home made jewelry
  • home made invitations
  • Mansion, backyard, boat, non traditional
  • not for sake of impressions, but for enjoyment and celebration
  • Lots of candles

Experiences I don't want to miss and fear regretting if I do
  • Dress shopping
  • making invites
  • planning
  • flowers
  • ladies day instead of bachelorette party
  • Our first dance
  • celebrating us
  • working together w those we love
  • bonding
  • seeing you in your suit
  • being blessed
  • writing vows
  • making favors
These are the things that I think of when I think of our wedding day.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

The holidays of blessing are upon us....

I have never been a fan of the holidays. During my marriage the holidays were just a reminder that:
  • a). Families add unnecessary stress on each other during these times
  • b). Whatever I did or spent was not enough to make up for the past.
Last year, Dude and I spent Thanksgiving by having a South Park/Reno 911 marathon. This year, Babushka, Buddy Luv and I drove 3 1/2 hours north into the wilderness of the north country. Although vastly different in nature both represent the two best Thanksgiving days I can remember.

For me, the time with Babushka's family was very much what a holiday celebration should be - focused on being together, not how the menu measures up to last year or attempting to impress family members. It makes me look forward to Christmas Eve with Dude and Punkin as well as Christmas Day with Babushka, BuddyLuv and her entire family. Looking forward to Christmas is something new for me.

On another note, life has just continued to be crazy busy for both Babushka and I but it has been rewarding. We are beginning to integrate and blend our kids. Success has been mixed but Babushka an I are doing a great job in communication our differences with each other. I am very proud of us. e try to keep connected with blog land but it gets bumped on the priority list. We read when we can, may not comment as much as we wish but you are always in our thoughts:
  • Shibari - Our Thoughts and Prayers continue to be with you dearest - things happen for a reason that we may not understand until much later
  • AR - Not happy with your Stars continuing to beat our Wild
  • Biscuit - Respect your decision to take a break from HNT but will miss the artistic and beautifully sensual presentations
  • Cate - Reminding us all that others see the beauty in us that we do not always see
  • Dana - Read your 11/23 Sunday Secret and could not think of what to say to dispel your 'Big' thought. Cate did a much better job than I could have.
We are all blessed in who we are and who we have ...>>Sometimes we just lose site of that


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Houston, we have a problem (or two, three, four... )

First - No TMI Today (Too frazzled at work to participate)

Second - Life is just soooo busy right now. Between work being insane, school being insane, kids being insane and exwife being insane, there seems to be no balance right now. As a recovering alcoholic, balance is important. The positive part of where I am in my life is that at least I recognize that and acknowledge that, rather than try to hide it or pretend I can overcome all. Knowing my limitations helps during the craziness. God will not give me more than I can handle........unless he has my sense of humor :-)

Third - No Date Night yet this month for Babushka and I. I am not sure that a date night every week or even every other week will always be doable but we should NEVER go a month without at least one quality date night. We are targeting Nov. 28th but if something comes up that day that is not expected (See Problem #2) that leaves little time before December. Quality, non-sex alone time is so important for any couple but it seems especially critical for us. We just do better in all areas of life if we are connected.

Fourth - I HATE E.D. SOME DAYS! Last Night was one of those nights. Of all of the benefits I derive from my ADD and AD meds, this is one I could do without. Now I have never been one to separate sex as intercourse vs oral vs. whatever. For me, sexual intimacy with Babushka is all about sharing our nekkidness and and orgasms. We both enjoy making the other cum more than our own orgasms (well, at least as much). That said, last night we had a stressfull, emotion filled evening and both of us were wiped out, so I did not take 1/2 of one of those blue miracle pills. Of course as soon as we are in bed we begin to wake up and Babushka gets particularly horny and explicit in telling me what we will be doing (my cock= her ass). Semi-erect just doesn't cut it during times like these.

I am blessed tha Babushka is so understanding. We had a wonderfully sexual evening and she did enjoy an outstandingly strong orgasm. She makes sure that I have no reason to feel guilty or ffrustrated or inadequate, which is wonderful. That said, there are times I syre miss the days of youth when the cock was rock hard immediiately at the appropriate time - and sometimes teh inappropriate times :-)

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
All said - Life is wonderful and I am cup overfloweth

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Updates on Stuff

Well, because there is so much going on, I have sectioned off everything just in case there are only certain things our readers are looking for updates on:

No showing, yet, on the house. But, thats ok. We have been good at keeping it up. We drove by one option. The pictures did not do it justice. . . The colors on the pictures were nice. The house itself, not so much. It was a BRIGHT yellow. I have spoken to both Pumpkin and BuddyLuv about the move. See below Pumpkin and BuddyLuv sections for more details on that update.

I debated about starting with her to get her out of the way, or ending with her to not allow her to look like a priority. I just want to get her update out of the way. Last Friday, we were kind enough to give PB a heads up that, since she was planning to be at Pumpkin's bball game, I would be attending, also. We thought this was the right thing to do so that she could choose not to be there if it was an issue. After all, this was our weekend with the kids. Well, she did not only NOT choose to stay away, she chose to invite her entire family. It was like the divorce trial all over again! even with them there, things went really well! I guess they were in close proximity to us at one point. But, I didn't let it get to me. I was partially glad to be in the same building as her. I was starting to worry that she was like some super model or something since I still had not a clue about what she looked like. I finally saw a glimpse of her as she walked out the door. Oh. She just looked like a lonely, bitter, angry, hard older woman. Of course, when I was talking to friends later, I added a few more colorful terms. But, that was the basic gist of it. No interaction. Afterwards, I felt a bit childish for not having faced them all head on, introducing myself. But, then again, that was probably the purpose for bringing God and County, right?

New Truck
With Dude driving, we have been debating about purchasing another vehicle. Kahuna was driving an older model Honda with over 160K miles on it. We knew that should go to Dude next year when he gets his license. The debate was, do we take on a car payment now? Or, do we wait until next year? We decided that it was financially smarter to NOT wait and NOT put another 15K+ miles on the Honda. After the first bball game Saturday and before the second, we test drove and bought a Saab 9-7x, beautiful burgandy SUV. Kahuna had to call PB to ask for the name of the car insurance person. Ohhhh. . . Talk about a 20 questions bitch. . .

Pumpkin 1
Saturday after her game, I had to leave and meet friends to work on Christmas presents. We are all into beading. So, we are making jewelry for family. Pumpkin must have missed me because she waked many times if I was coming back. Which, I did. Sunday morning, she was coughing in bed. I went in and got her a drink, then moved her to the couch and tucked her in nice and warm to watch TV and wake up. She liked this, calling me a Mama Bear and saying I take care of her like a Mama Bear takes care of her cubs. :-) Of course I do. Thats how I am. At breakfast, a Mama Bear comment was repeated. (in my heart of hearts, I hoped that time that this name would stick. I understand, she has a mom. But, if my kids are not going to call me mom, any term of endearment would be welcomed with open arms)

Pumpkin 2
Pumpkin and I got to spend our first quality alone time last weekend on Sunday. It is funny. Sometimes I think my heart cannot smile any wider. . . Then, it does! Pumpkin remembered that we had not yet gone to Build-a-Bear for my bday. So, off we went (in the new truck). When we first got to the mall, Pumpkin and I sat and shared some cheese curds. As we did, we talked. I told her that I hope she knows I am another adult she can turn to if she needs someone to talk to. And, asked how things were going with the two households.
**She shared with me that there are times when she would really like to see Kahuna more.
**But, because those times are "PB's" times, she isn't allowed to leave.
**She is only allowed to see Kahuna on the scheduled days.
**She said that her mom is too busy for her.
I asked how she felt about all the changes that were going on, and the plans for next summer. She smiled. She had a lot of positive things to say.
**She's excited BuddyLuv may be on the same bus as her.
**She's excited BuddyLuv will in the same school as her.
**She's excited that BuddyLuv will kind of know what it's like to have a lil'sis and big'bro.
**She's excited that maybe she'll be allowed to come over more often when we are closer.
**She's excited that I will get to know kind of what it is like to have a daughter.
We finished up, went to Build-a-Bear and had a great time. We named the bear Mama Bear. :-) When we got back, she proudly showed Kahuna the bear, declaring that it is a Mama Bear like me and Kahuna is the Daddy Bear.

I know Dude doesn't NOT like me. I can see that. But, he is still not all that comfortable around me. I feel like he is avoiding eye contact. Time is what I can offer him. Hopefully, over time, he will come around. I recognize that I do not control that. And, to that, I will not worry about it. As long as he doesn't hate me, I can love with that. Now, Build-a-Bears, that is one thing he hates. He actually went so far as to state before we left that Pumpkin gets more stuffed animals just because they "piss" him off. I have a hard time with him speaking like this. I know he is just "speaking his mind" and "being himself". But, I see his behavior as disrespectful. Hopefully we will be able to meet in the middle on this. Dude drove us to his house that night in the Honda. Kahuna was in the front. Pumpkin and I were in the back. We held each other's hand for dear life, said a prayer and covered our mouths with the other hand to surpress the expressions of sheer terror. It was scary that, even with his permit, he did not follow posted speeds, swerved a lot, took corners without breaking and almost ran a red arrow. OMG, I felt sick afterwards!

BuddyLuv is still doing really good when it comes to the move. He really wants to move about a month before school gets out. He believes that new kids are the cool kids. If he moves right before school ends, he will be the cool kid for part of this year. Plus, because he still plans to go away most of the summer, he will be the cool kid for at least part of next school year, too. He made the B honor roll, I believe. This is the first time he has done so well. He wouldn't have, had one teacher adjust their grade. He had not had rights to his gaming system for quite some time. There was a time when he had missing assignments and some poor test scores. We are struggling with him because, we see what good grades he got without putting in extra effort and reviewing things and what great grades he would get if he did the extra effort. He sees that he can work even less, and purposely NOT excel so he doesn't have to deal with the excitment and still get by with passing grades. We finally let him have the system back yesterday for one day because Kahuna had school all day and I worked all day. . . His attitude was crap by the end of the day. How do you make someone care?

On Monday night, Kahuna found out he may have to go to NC for work, leaving the next day. He did not want to go, so was not going to pack. Luckily he did because at 10 am Tuesday, I got the call to deliver him to the airport so that ne could leave at 1:30. I walked in the door to grad him and head out. He was on his Blackberry and headset, making important calls. We went downstairs, he NEEDED to amek me cum orally. Off I came and off we went. He was supposed to be gone until Friday. But, luckily, he came home Thursday.

This past week was a rough but blessed week for myfamily. Thursday my 9 year old niece had surgery to replace a piece of bone in her leg where a tumor was growing with that of a jar-grown bone. Though I have a hard time taking things my sister says at face value, if she is telling the truth, this will probably have to happen at various times over her life. I took Thursday off to be with my niece and gram. My niece is home now.

Gram 1
To follow this story, you need to know that I still have two grams. Gram is "regular gram. She is the one I grew up very close to and have always known well. I also have a gram-not-from-az-anymore. Most of my life, she lived out of state. I have never been close to her. She moved here, where she grew up. Anways, Gram was taken by ambulance last Saturday when they thought she was having a heart attack. She was sent home. Wednesday, she was again taken by ambulance. This time because of problems breathing. She was admitted. She is now off all of her meds, ALL of them and it was a lot. They are debating about sendig her home or to a transitional housing for a week.

Gram 2
As I was getting directions to the hospital, my mom called to tell me that they were taking gram-not-from-az-anymore to the hospital for a blood clot. Because it is disolving, she is home, now.

Well, there is more, of course, by my 13 year old is acting like a 2 year old. So, I have to go.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Not quite done yet. - TMI

1. Ever been skinny dipping?
BABUSHKA - Nope. I guess I could take it or leave it.
KAHUNA - I would love to with Babushka

2. How often do you kiss or make out without it simply being a foreplay activity?
BABUSHKA - A lot! Let's see, we kiss when one of us
1) walks in the door (rarely getting beyond the tile of the entry way).
2) is cooking
3) sits next to the other
4) is doing dishes
5) has lips available
6) walks out the door
7) is just outside the door ("Outside Kiss")
8) is having a rough day
9) is having a good day
We kiss a lot!
KAHUNA - See above!!

3. On a scale of 1-10, how content are you with your life? (1 is lowest, 10 is highest) Do you think 'content' and 'happy' the same thing?
BABUSHKA - I think I am a 8 for content and 9 for happy. Content is being ok with things as they are, and being ok with them never changing. Happy is acceptance of circumstances with a positive feeling.
KAHUNA - I could not have said it better. What is important from my standpoint is that pre-Babushka I was never more than a 5 in either category

4. What do you do to relieve stress?
KAHUNA - Let's see..............Have sex with Babushka, masturbate..........are there any other cures? :-) Also, I like to exercise but have not done so in a few months :-(

5. What was the special trait in your first lover that made you decide that they were "the one?"
KAHUNA - I never decided anyone was "the one" until my first time with Babushka. My experiences until then had been confusing and always 'missing something'. I could never explain what was missing. I cannot say I really can now, other than say 'it' is not missing when I am with Babushka.

Bonus: How old were you when you first had sex? (positive experiences here...)
KAHUNA - I was 18 but it was not positive so I will leave it at that....

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Monday, November 3, 2008

And the next morning

It is the next morning.
And, we are still together.
And, we are still blessed.
I love you, Kahuna.
Thank you for the raw tears that lead to our growth.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Trust, Faith and Honesty

Today was difficult. I think it was the fact that I was not prepared for such a difficult day that made it almost overwhelming.

I woke to what I thought was going to be a beautiful. You can tell from the last post. Then, BAM! Within an hour of waking, I was struggling with my son's attitude about school, homework and respecting his elders in general.

Next, we go to church, another fight just to get there. . .

Then a fight to sit up right and sing. . .

Then thoughts of dread of what was later to come that afternoon: a baby shower. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for my friend who is having the baby. She is very excited. I am so happy for her. But, it reminds me that we have chosen to accept that we will never have a baby. that was a dream, for all the years that I was single: have a baby, with someone who wants to have a baby with me, and do things "the right way". Share in all the joy surrounding a pregnancy and baby. Be there and participate in the child's every stage. . . not work 2+ jobs and miss the important milestones.

Then concern that it would be better if I were not there, as I am not good at being fake, which I would have to be in order to not have a negative effect on the party. Then wonder if it were to be better for all if I were not there.

Then it is all saints day, so we are remembering those who have gone before us. . .

Then thoughts turned to all of our discussions about weddings and marriage. And, I got angry. I got so angry, I had to leave church.

Funny, it hadn't been that long since I last talked to Kahuna. But, he knew. Somehow, he knew.

It wasn't long before he was at my door and we were in the bedroom. . . talking, crying, facing fears and being raw. It was the first time I was really mad at him. I was mad that he could not see just how important marriage and a ceremony meant to me. We had talked about it before, a couple of times. I sometimes struggle with NOT having made that commitment before God and family before living together. But, I had never been mad. I had never been angry. Dealing with everything else today brought out the anger. I was mad. I was mad that, from what I saw, PB had been such a demanding fucking bitch when they got married, he was scarred, not interested in the joy that can be a ceremony day. I was mad at myself for caring about the blessing and ceremony so much. Mad at myself for not accepting Kahuna's loving commitment under his terms. Mad that I felt like I was pushing, when I did not want to. Mad that I was not being patient and letting us both get to the same point naturally. And, I was afraid. I was afraid that there never would be a meet in the middle place for us. Afraid that Kahuna would decide that I am too demanding, too pushy, too something. Too wrong for him.

And, we cried.

And I told him.

And we cried.

And then we talked.

And then, as fast and overwhelming as it was, the healing began.

Kahuna helped me to see how, when something matter to me this much, it is my responsibility to sit him and and tell him EXACTLY how and feel and why I feel how I feel. Otherwise, we cannot find peace.

Kahuna also challenged me to think about and put into words what aspects of marriage/ceremony are important to me and why. It is important for us to both honestly look at this if we are going to meet in the happy middle that we both can find peace in.

We need to trust, have faith and act with honesty to have peace and transparent love.


My body shakes
It is powerful
So powerful, I practically sit up
Tremors from my head
Down to my toes
As quickly as I was up
I lay back down
We are the world
There is nothing beyond us
No worries
No Stress
No thoughts
No cares
Tracing the muscles in my legs
Up over my hips
Along my waiste
My sides
Around my breasts
Up to my neck
Down my stomache
Back to my legs
And around, again
Your fingers putting me in a trance
The touch so light
So caring
So gentle
Amazingly intimate

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Just an update

So far so great!

The house has been on the Market since Saturday. No calls yet. Patience, I know. . .

I am trying to weed through things and sell off some things. I know we don't want to go hog wild and drown in the debt of new things for the new house. But, it is also so exciting to start anew. I want everything to be us. . . not everything that WAS us.

Over the last few days, I have emailed my sister with details of things headed out the door. I guess I was not thinking (consciously) that she would guess I am moving. But, she asked point blank if I was planning to sell my house. I went to Kahuna to talk through how I wanted to handle that call. My options were to 1) lie. 2) tell her the truth. 3) avoid the question. Before, option 3 would have been preferred. I couldn't live with option 1. So, option 3 was the option for me.

I told her that, yes, I am planning to and am actually in the process of selling the house. I also asked for her silence as BuddyLuv and I had a plan as to how we would like to tell everyone. Her response was more questions. Those I did not send lies or ignore. I simply said that I love her.

Well, I was going to write more. But, Kahuna just walked in from school and I want to cuddle!

Friday, October 24, 2008

What would you (not) do for $10,000

Some days I am so busy around the office that I end up reading stories such as this.
There are a few quotes within the article that helped me lighten up an otherwise stressed day at the office:

- "In our society it's going to be hard to find" a couple that hasn't had premarital sex [a couple who has not had premarital sex]. … But the standard is the standard." I suspect it would be easier to find a couple not having post-marital sex :-).......but her standard is her standard and she is sticking to it, by Golly!

- Yet in a recent interview, Faust seemed inclined to relax the rules, saying couples engaging in sex can still qualify but they must acknowledge, “The right choice is probably not to have had done it.” She will, however, draw the line at couples living together. “If the couple is living together, definitely not, because they are set up for the kill.” OK, so her standard was dropped dramatically in the very next sentence but only as long as they have sex in their car or their parents house!!

Hypocrisy is so prevalent "in our society", although apparently not as prevalent as premarital sex. How about we focus on discussions with our teens and young adults about respecting and honoring the person you are making love with. Or perhaps the importance of effective communication regarding sexual needs and expectations during a marriage before they get married.

But no - as long as you are a virgin when you are married then you are have succeeded! - unwanted sex, forced sex, withholding sex as part of your marriage are fine because THANK GOD you are married.

You know, Babushka and I could use $10,000 if we acknowledge it would have been better if we waited.........................not waited with each other but waited with the unfulfilling sexual partners we had before each other! Plus - We only participated in oral sex with each other this morning before work so perhaps we still qualify as virgins (at least for today) :-)

It appears many are getting busy indeed

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

TMI Tuesday #157

Have you ever felt guilty or ashamed after a sexual experience?
KAHUNA – No, not anymore.

Did you ever own a fake ID?
KAHUNA – I did and it amazes me that it ever worked at all!

How often do you tell white lies? Is it with or without thinking?
KAHUNA – I do my very best to not tell white lies and if it does occur I look to admit it and make amends for it. I am certainly not perfect at this, but as a foundation of recovery this is a greater concern for me than it likely is for most.

On a scale of 1-10, how well do you receive constructive criticism?
KAHUNA – Typically I am very good at taking constructive criticism (9) but it can depend on how I am feeling emotionally and who is delivering the criticism.

Have you ever shaved your pubic hair?
KAHUNA – Yes and I still do. My lovely Babushka shaves me sometimes as well

Bonus: What percentage of women do you think are capable of handling being in a "friends with benefits" relationship? How about men?
Women – 90%
Hetero Men – 1%
Non-Hetero Men – 5% :-)

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Babushka's Catching Up :-)

We'll actually tomorrow is my Babushka's Birthday but we celebrated this weekend.

On Friday, we had a lovely dinner at at TGIF's and then went to see The Dutchess. This was a great date movie, although Babushka did comment on how women of the time were certainly mistreated generally. For me, I simply cannot fathom no electricity. We then went back to my place for presents, dessert and sleep. Although Babushka was not showered with riches, I do believe she truly appreciated her gifts:
  • Hand-drawn Birthday Card from Pumpkin
  • University Sweatshirt from the school I am attaining my MBA from
  • New Cell-Phone
  • Part 2 of my erotic story written for her (Part 1 was given to her last Christmas)

We awoke early, maybe 5:00am or so, and enjoyed some absolutely phenomenal lovemaking/fucking. After a couple orgasms for the birthday girl and one for me, we rooled back into each others arms and fell back asleep for three more hours. That was an incredible experience I had never enjoyed before - morning sex followed by cuddling sleep.

Saturday was a lovely day (of course it was - look how it started). I took Babushka to a park on the Mississippi River where we strolled on the hiking path, hand in hand, and enjoyed the beautiful turning of the foliage. It was quiet, serene and one of the most spiritual days we have had in quite a while. We took the camera but the fact I forgot to charge the batteries I was only able to snap a few photos. It was such a beautiful day!!!!

Today we cleaned Babushka's house, as we are preparing for the Realtor to come over tomorrow. As Babushka has posted earlier, we are looking to facilitate an eventual short sale with the mortgage company. It is a difficult and stressful process, especially for my Babushka. I so wish I could take the burden for her - I will do everything I can to love and support her.

Some days do not feel necessarily joyous and free but if we slow down we can find something within each day to bring us joy and freedom from our worries.

Babushka is my "something"

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Harder, Harder, Harder

We have told all three children. Dude was basically silent, beyond asking if Kahuna would be living in the city Dude lives in. Pumpkin was silent. BuddyLuv. . . not so much. The intial response was a simple multiple "No" followed by goofey behavior. He did like the fact he would still have his own room and was even promised a TV in his room. The next morning, Kahuna, in his loving and wonderful ways, mentioned that he was looking forward to the possability to spending time with BuddyLuv on a daily basis. Now that they know, it is harder to be patient and thankful for today, rather than focus on dreams of the future. I just want to be with Kahuna. I just want BuddyLuv to be with Kahuna.

I am scared of the treatment I will probably receive from the mortgage company. However, there are necessary evils that must occur to help support your request for a short sale. I don't deal well with mean people. I take it very personally and often allow it to upset me. It will be hard. But, I must find the strength to get through this part.

Last night, Kahuna had conferences and the children. That meant We could not see him. Those days are becoming harder and harder. Yes, I am pmsing, I am sure. But, I was on the phone with Kahuna and shed a few tears as I shared with him how much my body hurt from doing some physical labor around the home and just wanted to cuddle up into him and go to sleep.

My birthday is coming up!I will be 33 (I think. . . 75 to 08. . . yep, 33)! For my birthday, I am so excited! I get 4 days with Kahuna! Friday night! All day Saturday (except I have to work. But, it is a short 4 hour shift. I could not pass because it is the league I normally wait on. It would be irresponsible of me NOT to be there when I can make decent money. Besides, they know it is my bday! They said they would spread the word to be extra nice to me with tips)! All day Sunday (Kahuna, before I forget, BuddyLuv has to acolyte on Sunday, will you go to church with us)! And Monday night! Hey, and technically, Tuesday, too, in the morning! YEAH!

Kahuna. . .

I know your desires to give me the world. I have them, too. I don't need the world. I need you. I know you mentioned last night that you were having a hard night accepting the details of the divorce again because of the impact on us and our finances. I have those times, too. Not because I want your money. But rather, because of the stress it causes you.

It is ok, sweetie. You made the right choices because they were the choices you made. It has all happened in this way for a reason. I accept it and am thankful. No matter the outcome, we now have the opportunity to accept it and opportity to be free to move on. That moving on means we are one step closer to our dreams. I see nothing but good in that.

I miss you!
I desire you!
I adore you!
I love you!

Get busy livin or get busy dyin. . .
This is us living.

PS I bet you thought this was going to be about sex!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

TMI Tuesday #156 - Foresight

What do you do that sends a clear signal to your partner that you're interested in an intimate evening?
KAHUNA – Babushka and I have a running jock right now where we will call the other on the phone and ask if we can have sex, followed by a plea that we need to have sex tonight. It is very cute

How important is foreplay to an exciting evening?
KAHUNA – I read a book a long time ago called “sex begins in the kitchen”. I believe foreplay is an all-day event. I am always cuddling and kissing and caressing Babushka. By the time we get to an opportunity to have sex we are both already worked up.

What is the first thing you do during foreplay or what is the first thing you like done to you?
KAHUNA – Answer #2 aside, I am big on kissing and rubbing the whole body – giving and receiving

Are you a one and done kind of partner (20 minutes or so) or do you like intimacy sessions longer than 60 minutes?
KAHUNA – Both are great and serve their purpose, although I typically take a longer time to cum than most so we tend to lean toward the longer sessions.

BONUS: If you are interested in sex with a same-sex partner, what would be the first thing you'd like to touch on that other person, and why? (For those already in same sex relationships...what was the first thing you touched, or if you were interested in a relationship with the opposite sex, what would be the first thing you touched?)
KAHUNA – I wish I had a reply here but cannot lie. I see nothing wrong with two men having sex together it is just not an interest to me.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Where to start

Well, where do we start?

Housing. . . The announcement:
WE ARE MOVING! I am so beyond excited! I am so beyond scared! A while back, I shared with Kahuna that I have dreamed for a while that BuddyLuv and I will be in the same city as he and his family by the beginning of the next school year. I feel it is important that this happen in the summer, not mid year. I also feel it is important that this happen THIS summer because he would have one more year in middle school to adjust before he start high school. Then he would go to HS with the same kids from start to finish.

Housing. . . The history:
For the entire time Kahuna and I have been together, I struggled back and forth. I was torn. I KNEW from day one this would happen. I prayed this would happen. But, I was also scared that this would happen. I felt that, because I have, in my opinion, been a less than good mother for most of BuddyLuv's life, I owed it to him to NEVER make him switch school districts. This was reinforced by my parent's, who held, and probably still hold, the opinion that I would be "selfish" to move BuddyLuv to a brand new school district just so that I can be with Kahuna.

Housing. . . The realities:
I have been able to talk through this with a few close friends. 1) Although this may be a rough transition for BuddyLuv, this may not be a rough transition for him. 2) He would not be the first child who is moved during middle school. 3) He may want to stay in the same school district with his friends. But, he wants someone he can think of and call DAD even more.

Housing. . . The fears:
The fears that run through my mind are:
1) The children will have a rough adjustment
2) The children will, worse yet, never adjust
3) We will end up as one of those tragic families you hear about where wonderful, non-violent children become violent and rebellious (any of the children)
4) This will damage Kahuna's relationships with his children
5) Living in sin, and God's/families' opinion and not being able to have my nieces' over, overnight, because of this choice

Housing. . . The market:
As I am sure I mentioned before, I was preyed upon when I bought my house. Preyed upon by a contractor/attorney/realtor who were all working together to dump a flipped home. It ended up being overpriced when purchased and overpriced when refinanced to keep it. Well, in today's market, that means a home value 20+% LESS than it is currently marketed at. OUCH! Our options are/were to:
1) Stay as is, living in two separate homes in two separate cities
2) Selling my home, trying to get the bank to accept a short sale
3) Keeping the home and renting it out
4) Foreclosure

I have openly entertained Option 1. It is my last choice. Option 4 is my second to last choice. We would be able to all be together. But, my credit would be ruined and that is all that I have had for all of these years. I have taken pride in the fact that I keep decent credit through the messes I have been in. I am still torn between Option 2 and Option 3.

Option 2
1) Hit to my credit, effecting it for a few years
2) The market may turn around before 2011 when the balloon payment is due
3) It will probably take a while to sell and I would not be able to rent it out while waiting for it to sell
1) This house would then be in my past
2) We would not have to deal with the risks of rentals
3) We could take our lumps and move on

Option 3
1) It is risky renting
2) I would still be responsible for the home and repairs
3) I would be financially responsible for the home if I do not have a renter
4) It would be expensive to make the necessary repairs to make the home rentable
5) Our rental choice would be more limited to budget for 3
My credit could potentially still be hurt
1) The market could turn around, renting may allow for us to break even in the end
2) My credit could potentially stay good
3) I could find good renters like the one currently in my basement and all would be fine

Wow! As I am listing these out, I have started to realize just how much risk there could be with Option 3. Yes, I could spent the 10K now to fix the place up. But, the reality is, the home would probably not regain 40K in value in 3 years. Therefore, we would need to do a short sale/foreclosure 3 years from now anyway. Plus, we would be out the money put into it just to make it rentable, plus, that means I risk my credit being affected for 3-7 years after 2011! Plus, who knows if banks will be as open to short sales then like many are being forced to be now. If I do and can do a short sale now, the credit hit would be over by the time the balloon payment is due.

Housing. . . The dream:
I know this probably sounds negative. There is a lot to think about, and a lot running through my mind. But, in the end, at the end of the day, the only thing that truly matters is that we will all be together. It will all work out. We just need to take that leap of faith.

Get busy livin' or get busy dyin':
I have my eyes wide open and I am ready to jump!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

It is not very often that I am at a loss of what to do on a Saturday afternoon
  • Dude is at debate and I am unsure when he will return.
  • Punkin is not feeling well so she does not want to go anywhere.
  • Babushka is working her 2nd job - too much work for not enough money
  • BuddyLuv is alone and likely on his third hour of COD4
  • My school homework is on my work computer
I am not doing anything of any real value, while Babushka continues to work every day with no days off. I do not feel right about this. If babushka is doing work I should be either working or schooling. It may not be "my fault" but it still seems that somehow I am letting her down by not doing either.

I was gonna post something fun and naughty, but I realize that Babushka is my inspiration for fun and naughtiness in my life. Instead I am gonna read my new book.

I was reading the blog of AR earlier today and she mentioned that she had not seen her BF since July. It made me realize I never want to go that long without my Babushka. Days apart are bad enough.

Lots going on in our lives right now, but days like this are a great reminder that I want Babushka and BuddyLuv in my life.....................full time

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

TMI #155 - Virtues Edition

OK Dana/Boo – I am going to answer these questions but do not appreciate the need to go to my dictionary for all these virtuous words to understand what they mean 

1. Prudence: When do you feel it is most important to exercise prudence? When is it acceptable to throw practicality out the window?
KAHUNA – Sound judgment is a good practice in all situations, although some might say leaving a comfortable (if unhappy) existence for the unknown was not prudent.

2. Justice: Is a sense of justice really a virtue, or is only a tool that allows us to pass judgment on others without feeling guilty? What do you feel is the greatest injustice facing the world today?
KAHUNA – Justice in my opinion is not a virtue, as it is almost solely based on the subjective interpretation of the person(s) seeking it. What I feel is the greatest injustice facing the world today may be entirely just and reasonable in the eyes of others. We all have a soapbox from which we like to espouse our wisdom from.

3. Temperance: All things in moderation. Should we allow ourselves a few excesses? How well do you restrain yourself when faced with your deepest desires?
KAHUNA – Being someone who is in recovery from both alcohol and pornography addictions, I likely view this differently than some. Moderation is something that does not come naturally to me so I always need to question my own motives and self-restraint is not always easy. For me the desire to be honest and willingness to be as transparent as possible allows for moderation that was not always there.

For alcohol, I have no interest in drinking again so I am able to easily say moderation is not an option. Sobriety is a daily reprieve that I choose – if I ever drink again it will addictive not moderate.

For Porn it is much more complex. Babushka and I enjoy porn and being with her has eliminated the shame I felt in my marriage about it. There are times when this can be a moderate, enjoyable behavior for me yet other times it can be an addictive behavior to escape my feelings. That said, I meet with my SAA sponsor regularly and we discuss where I am at emotionally and what I am or am not viewing/reading as well as sharing myself with Babushka

4. Courage/Fortitude: How well do you confront fear and uncertainty, or intimidation? Does facing the little things make you as brave as facing the big things?
• KAHUNA – I do a better job of this that previous, although there is always room to improve. Babushka and I have faced a number of fears together and I am confident we will continue to do so.

5. Faith: Is it important to have faith? How steadfast are you in your core beliefs? Do your core beliefs equate to faith in something?
• KAHUNA – I consider myself spiritual in a recovery sense but not very religious. I tried to become much more religious when I was married but it never ended up connecting with me. My core beliefs equate to faith in my recovery, faith in those I love and ultimately faith in myself.

6. Hope: Does having hope for the future help you deal with the present? How good are you at finding the good in the bad? What is the thing you hope for most?
• KAHUNA – I have more hope for my future today than I have ever had previously (I am writing a college paper on this topic). I do a fairly good job in finding the good in people and situations (politicians excluded). I hope for little these days; If I want to attain something I will work for it rather than hope it happens.

7. Love/Charity: How easy is it for you to give selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness? How easy is it for you to receive selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness?
• KAHUNA – When I am in a strong mode and sound in my recovery, I exhibit great amounts of selfless and unconditional love. When I am in a less accepting and not as grateful for the blessing in my life and more focused on what I do not have (typically financial) I am instead selfish and conditional in my reactions. I receive love and kindness much better than I used to and always enjoy when Babushka unconditionally loves me– like Sunday Night / Monday morning when a great bout of anal sex put me to sleep and a great blowjob woke me up. Give, Give, Give!!!!!!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

TMI Follow-up and Long Overdue HNT

A brief conversation I had while driving Wednesday morning made me think of the Tuesday question of sexy vs. erotic:

Babushka: I have good news and bad news
Kahuna: Give me the bad news first
Babushka: I am starting to get the cold that my BuddyLuv has
Kahuna: I am sorry to hear that
Babushka: The good news is I would still love to see you tonight after your class, although I understand if you would rather not risk catching this cold
Kahuna: I appreciate your concern and understand that I get to your house so late after class. You need your rest and don't want to wake you up
Babushka: Sweetie, I need to suck your cock tonight
Kahuna: (snickers)
Babushka: No - I NEED to suck your cock tonight

Now I do not know whether to term this sexy or erotic, but I do know it greatly improved my drive into the office.

Regarding HNT - Recent changes to our firewall has made it impossible for me to access the site of the HNT founder. That and over scheduling has made me neglect the posting of this HNT of Babushka that I took a few months back as we celebrated the end of my never-ending divorce...............I do love looking at her

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'

My chances of getting a cold just increased dramatically :-)

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

TMI #154

What do you feel is the difference between sexy and erotic?
KAHUNA – Sexy is something that can be inferred onto anyone “That gal looks sexy in those jeans” while Erotic is something personal (for me it is with Babushka)

Do you believe there is one right person (i.e. soul mate) for you out there in the world, or that there can be many different potential mates that you could live blissfully with?
KAHUNA – I spent nearly twenty years thinking there was no such thing but wishing there could be. For almost two years now, I have been with that one right person

Do you need to hear "I love you" or similar words on a regular basis from your partner?
KAHUNA – Multiple times every day

What feeling do you have the most difficulty expressing?
KAHUNA – fear, frustration and disappointment

What is worse - physical, mental or cyber cheating?
KAHUNA – They are all a reflection of something not working in your relationship. Focusing on fixing that relationship is more important than ‘which cheating is worse’.

Bonus (as in optional): The Kinsey scale attempts to describe a person's sexual history or episodes of their sexual activity at a given time. It uses a scale from 0, meaning exclusively heterosexual, to 6, meaning exclusively homosexual. Where are you - TODAY - on the scale?
KAHUNA - Too complicated for me to figure out

Friday, September 26, 2008

Benefits of a Small Town Blog

So many things have been going on with Babushka and myself that we have been neglectful of our blog reading and writing lately. I also have this wonderful HNT of Babushka that I need to post but I can no longer access the big Oz website so I have not posted.

One result of not posting regularly and not posting HNT is that our blog is not heavily read (always amazing how a pic of a beautiful woman increases readership!). We are not unlike most in that we like people to visit, read and comment. But this desire to be 'blog-pular' is not without its' perils.

Two blogs that we read regularly and enjoyed have gone by the wayside due to improper popularity. Most of us blog somewhat "incognito" which allows us to safely post some things we would not want family or friends to necessarily read.

Being exposed online is every much as violating as being physically exposed, sometimes moreso. As a previous TMI confirmed, most people would rather run around wuth their junk hanging out than have their minds and thoughts exposed to the world. The first experience with bing outed on a blog was with Girl with a One-Track Mind a few years back. Although she has since made the best of itthe initial exposure was extremely painful.

I miss those who have to leave due to the lack of courtesy, integrity and honesty of others whose desire to tell the world what they know overrides common decency. There are times when being less popular is a good thing.

Regarding Babushka and I - we will update everyine in more detail (or try to do our best). Between work, kids and school we have little time and typically have to choose betwen blogin' or sexin'.........................Yep - Sexin' usually wins :-)

Get Busy Livin' of Get Busy Dyin'

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

TMI #152

1). Ever been stalked an ex? Stalked an ex? Or stalked 'a you'd like to be'?
KAHUNA – You might say I stalked Babushka, though I would say I was simply concerned she had an adequate supply of paper and pens.

2). How often do you reach orgasm during sex? Has then historically been true?
KAHUNA – Suppose this is geared more to the gals, as guys typically finish. Babushka and I both enjoy bringing the other to orgasm immensely so this is never a real issue.

3). Teeth when used during oral stimulation, good or bad?
KAHUNA - Good when used sparingly, bad when used as a weapon

4). How many times is the most you have ever had sex in a 24 hour period? How many different sexual partners have you had in a 24 hour period?
KAHUNA - I guess it would depend on the definition of sex, but probably 3 times. Only one partner in a 24 hour period (I am dull)

5). Would you rather run naked through a crowded place or have someone email your deepest secret too all your friends?
KAHUNA - To be honest, I would be fine with either, as long as there was a guarantee that I would not be arrested for either one

Bonus: Have you ever kissed your partner on the lips after oral sex without brushing teeth, nor washing/gargling/rinsing out mouth? Turn on or off?
KAHUNA - Certainly, we love the taste of ourselves one each others lips (both pairs for her)

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

TMI #151

1). Describe the perfect date for YOURSELF... what you would enjoy most.
KAHUNA – Any evening out with Babushka.

2). Do you lean more toward being submissive or dominant?
KAHUNA – I would say I still lean toward submissive, in regards to always apologizing for things I do not need to be sorry for. I am working on getting more assertive and confident in my personal life.

3). What do you usually wear to bed?
KAHUNA – I excitedly wear nothing but a smile and erection if alone with Babushka. Otherwise I wear Underwear/Sweats if with the kids.

4). Have you ever seen a counselor?
KAHUNA – A number of them over the years – both individual and marital.

5). Lights on or off?
KAHUNA – I prefer the lights on. I love seeing Babushka’s face and body

Bonus (as in optional): Bonus: Have you or a partner ever faked an orgasm?
KAHUNA – Ironically, I tried once with Babushka – it was an abject failure. Men just should not try to fake it.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

The Long and Winding Road....

......That leads to your door.......

I was listening to The Fab Four earlier this week while doing homework and comes to mind today as I am again working on said homework. That said, the in-between time for Babushka and I has been a curvy and confusing path indeed:
  • Great Sex
  • Closeness and Intimacy
  • Heartfelt but Difficult Discussion
  • More Great Sex
  • More Intimacy and Closeness
  • Greater Disagreement and Misunderstanding
  • More Heartfelt but Difficult Discussion
That's alot of activity for about a 36 hour timeframe but it is the reality of Babushka and I right now. There is much raw emotion within both of us, which can manifest itself in many ways - Fear, Passion, Gratitude, Resentment, Humor and Joy, Worries and Sorrow.

We both have alot of "stuff" on our plates right now, more than either of us would like. Yet we both are missing things that we would like added to our plate. Perhaps it is not that we have too much "stuff" we are juggling, just that we wish to be juggling different "stuff".

What I do know is that I am proud of us both and grateful to be here right now. You always hear that 'relationships take work'. I always hated hearing that when my Ex said that to me - it was her way trying to get me to accept my unhappiness as normal. My response was always "I am not afraid of the hard work, but both people have to be working toward the same thing". We never were.

Babushka and I are working toward the same vision: A life together; a life with one another; a life of sharing, laughing and loving; a life of challenge, disappointment and misunderstanding; a life of forgiveness and a life of serenity.

It is work- but it is work that is well worth the effort.

We are working toward the same thing......toward each other!

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
Kahuna is damn proud to be celebrating 2 years of sobriety

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

TMI #150

1). When was the last time someone hit on you? What went down?
KAHUNA – That would be yesterday when I was helping Babushka and her family shovel and wheelbarrow a big ol’ pile of dirt from the driveway to the back yard. She whispered in my ear “Please come back tonight, I need to f*ck you”

2). If you were single and could be with any one person, who would it be (thinking singer/actor or someone famous here, but whatever)?
KAHUNA – Either Jennifer Love-Hewitt or Jewel De’ Nyle

3). Have you ever had done anything sexual in your office or your place of employment?
KAHUNA – No but this is too funny, as Babushka was describing to me her fantasy of me taking her in the *ss from behind bent over my desk in my office

4). Do you apologize when you make a mistake? How do you react when someone calls you out?
KAHUNA – This is an area where recovery has truly made a big difference in my life. I am very comfortable now making amends immediately after an action I do not feel reflects positively on whom I am as a person. I do need to work on being to quick to say “sorry” to Babushka for things that do not warrant an apology.

5). Top or bottom?
KAHUNA – I enjoy both, depending on the mood of the evening. Last night I was a Top who was very much enjoying Babushka’s bottom

Bonus (as in optional): Bonus: How old were you when you first had a willing sexual experience?
KAHUNA – My first experience of touching a naked female was taking a bubble bath with my first girlfriend when we were 15 or 16. Pretty innocent but I do recall thinking how nice she felt

Monday, September 1, 2008

Life's Not Easier Just Cause Your Sober

The weeks have just gotten lost in my seeming perpetual battle with the divorce, although it is now official - I now have an "Ex-Wife"!

As nice as it is to say that, this fact ushers in a new era for all of us - A new era that will take some time to adjust to. My kids, Dude and Pumpkin, have further to go than BuddyLuv. Both will have periods where they are less receptive to the 'inclusion' of Babushka and BuddyLuv than other periods.

This weekend was one of those where Dude was not very receptive. This obviously bothered Babushka. I in turn am torn between being protective of both of them. It leaves me conflicted. From what I have read and from friends I have spoken to this is a natural occurrence that is to be expected. This does not make me feel any better, knowing how much it hurts my dear Babushka.

Between my preoccupations with exes and kids, I feel like I have been less than 100% available to Babushka as she has dealt with a number of medical events that have impacted her family. Although this is not something to beat myself up emotionally about, I do not enjoy the thought of not always being her night in shining armor.

It feels like Babushka and I are starting to encounter the inevitable 'growing pains' of our relationship. It also feels (at least to me) that we are doing as good of a job as we can of navigating these complex waters.

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
I love my life, my Babushka and is good (if not easy)

Friday, August 29, 2008

Things just aren't that bad

Last night, Kahuna and I finally got to spend some time together. This, that and the other thing have kept us apart far too much this week. I feel like I keep jinxing us by thinking or saying that things cannot get worse and are going to get better.

Sunday we found out my niece, Peanut (11), lost a friend to meningitis. There was now panic that it was the "bad one" and my sister's family may have to be treated because the kids had just played together recently, plus my mom and BuddyLuv were at my sisters house on Saturday. Which, by extension, means we ALL may need to be treated. It was not the "bad one" and if the hospital would have taken her seriously the first time she was brought in, she would not have passed. Instead, they had to take her in a second time at which point she was air-vacced to another hospital where she passed.

Monday I had to take BuddyLuv to the Dr because he has pneumonia and is not getting any better. His cough was so bad, they thought he had whooping cough. He does not.

Monday I was told by a man at work that I cause him to feel a little something something and that I shouldn't dress as nice as I do because I don't want to get raped. Yep, thats what he said. . . Just a week ago, I had mentioned to co workers when we were out for dinner that he made me uncomfortable. Come to find out, he has made others uncomfortable. He just never crossed that line with them.

Kahuna was here for me, exactly how I needed him to be.

Tuesday I had to deal with the aftermath of Monday's incident. I faced him with supervisor/director present and told him what line he had crossed and how his "compliment" affected me.

Tuesday my niece, Princess, was tested for cancer. Though they do not know what the growth is on her bone, it is not cancer.

Tuesday BuddyLuv, Kahuna and I had to go to orientation. It is funny how they "ask" for a donation to cover things like the planners that are handed out and such. Then the teacher remarks that she will be following up with parents who forget to send in the donation. Huh? Then again, this is the same teacher who advised the kids to put their locker combination inside their lockers in case they forget the combination. BuddyLuv has the same dang English teacher he had last year. The same teacher we STRUGGLED with all year long. The same teacher I had to contact the principal about!

Kahuna and I just disconnected. It was terrible and it was icky. I was sure something was "different" with or bothering Kahuna. I could feel it in my gut. I was wrong, at that moment. I guess you could say it was more a feeling of what was to come.

Wednesday Kahuna was already irritated because of having to fight with PB about September bills. Then we exchanged emails not of our character, showing our disconnect. He had to meet PB at the cable company to have his name taken off it. That night, we were the most disconnected we have ever been. It hurt.

Thursday Kahuna and I do not start the day off if a good place, make things worse by being too direct, deal with PB and more crap that she has pulled. . .

Then, Thursday night, Kahuna goes to work out, goes to an AA meeting and comes over. The instant he walks in the door, things are better. . . for both of us. . . I hold him, he holds me. I kiss him, he kisses me. BuddyLuv shouts out that he can hear us kissing. We talked about things a little bit.

I wish I could remember the exact verbiage we used. But, basically, we agreed that:

Things are just not right when we are not together.
And, things just aren't that bad when we are.

This morning, I feel like I have my Kahuna back. And, I hope he feels like he has his Babushka back.

Get Busy Livin or Get Busy Dyin. . .
This is it, this is life, and we are living!

Saturday, August 23, 2008

The power of truth and honesty

It has been a beautiful week again.

It has been a week filled with the continued saga that is Kahuna's seemingly never ending divorce. She found a way to stop her PB foot to try and extort more $$ by demanding more that is in no way connected to the divorce precedings and threatening to NOT sign the already agreed upon documents unless she get it.

It has been a week filled will challenges and memories surrounding out sobriety in the form of haunting dreams and my momentary guilt that I was not there to hold him through the dreams. That guilt soon turned into pride. He was ok. Kahuna had a rough night, but knew I was there even if I was not.

It has been a week filled with health concerns in the form of BuddyLuv being 4 hours away and having pnemonia. My princess niece (9) (not to be confused with PB) broke her leg which has lead to the finding of a "growth" on her bone that must be tested this coming week.

It has been filled with sex! Wonderful, body rocking sex! Toys! Intimace! Fucking! Love making!

It has been filled with beautiful, special, quiet, intimate moments. Moments when we danced to no music at all in the kitchen. Moments where we had difficult scary, raw, emotional discussions, exposing dreams and fears, being vulnerable and growing even closer than we have ever been. Moments that made me remember that we are not "waiting" for us to begin. We are here and now.

Get busy livin or get busy dyin?
We are living the life we are given, not waiting for the life that may or may not ever be!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

TMI #148

Are you truly politically correct? Be honest.

Kahuna – In my professional life I would say that I probably play the political game most of the time. In my personal life am politically incorrect at all costs and dislike intently the nonsense of ‘not offending anyone” and that everything is discriminatory toward everyone. People need to lighten up (or shut up).

Specifically around the election season I get my greatest sense of enjoyment on arguing the opposite opinion of anyone who is (in this case) a big advocate of either Obama or McCain. They are both politicians which by necessity to survive in that line of work makes them ethically challenged, morally deficient and conveniently ignorant. Babushka and I quibble about this, specifically her hatred of one Mr. G. W. Bush (I on the other hand love Bush, even when it is shaved clean!!). I have just never understood the personal hatred so many people seem to have toward him – he is a verbally challenged politician which for me provides great laughter at his inability to coherently put a sentence together but he is no more evil or dishonest than any other Democrat or Republican in this country.


Will you ever streak in public during rush hour?

Kahuna – I cannot imagine doing this, as I would prefer to save the public at large the horror.

Would you ever do something sexual in public (more than 20 people around)?

Kahuna – I could see Babushka and I doing something fun and naughty in public, as long as there were no chance of being arrested.

Do you ever not have good table manners?

Kahuna – Sure, when I am around family I am more than willing to burp or fart at the table.

Do you ever fantasize about a public sexual act? Describe.

Kahuna – I will admit that I do not really fantasize about ‘sexual acts’ per se since I have been with Babushka (as opposed to the constant fantasizing that occurred during my marriage). I think that has much to do with the fact that Babushka and I actually have a sex life (unlike my marriage). We are pretty much open about fantasies so if I did want to ‘have at it in the middle of the mall’ I would just tell her rather than dream about it.

Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever gone through a true sexual fantasy? Describe.

Kahuna РAlthough this is not really risqu̩, I admit a fantasy of mine 3 years ago was a daydream involving a hot fuck session with Babushka culminating with her cumming on my face........MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!