Saturday, November 29, 2008

The holidays of blessing are upon us....

I have never been a fan of the holidays. During my marriage the holidays were just a reminder that:
  • a). Families add unnecessary stress on each other during these times
  • b). Whatever I did or spent was not enough to make up for the past.
Last year, Dude and I spent Thanksgiving by having a South Park/Reno 911 marathon. This year, Babushka, Buddy Luv and I drove 3 1/2 hours north into the wilderness of the north country. Although vastly different in nature both represent the two best Thanksgiving days I can remember.

For me, the time with Babushka's family was very much what a holiday celebration should be - focused on being together, not how the menu measures up to last year or attempting to impress family members. It makes me look forward to Christmas Eve with Dude and Punkin as well as Christmas Day with Babushka, BuddyLuv and her entire family. Looking forward to Christmas is something new for me.

On another note, life has just continued to be crazy busy for both Babushka and I but it has been rewarding. We are beginning to integrate and blend our kids. Success has been mixed but Babushka an I are doing a great job in communication our differences with each other. I am very proud of us. e try to keep connected with blog land but it gets bumped on the priority list. We read when we can, may not comment as much as we wish but you are always in our thoughts:
  • Shibari - Our Thoughts and Prayers continue to be with you dearest - things happen for a reason that we may not understand until much later
  • AR - Not happy with your Stars continuing to beat our Wild
  • Biscuit - Respect your decision to take a break from HNT but will miss the artistic and beautifully sensual presentations
  • Cate - Reminding us all that others see the beauty in us that we do not always see
  • Dana - Read your 11/23 Sunday Secret and could not think of what to say to dispel your 'Big' thought. Cate did a much better job than I could have.
We are all blessed in who we are and who we have ...>>Sometimes we just lose site of that


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Houston, we have a problem (or two, three, four... )

First - No TMI Today (Too frazzled at work to participate)

Second - Life is just soooo busy right now. Between work being insane, school being insane, kids being insane and exwife being insane, there seems to be no balance right now. As a recovering alcoholic, balance is important. The positive part of where I am in my life is that at least I recognize that and acknowledge that, rather than try to hide it or pretend I can overcome all. Knowing my limitations helps during the craziness. God will not give me more than I can handle........unless he has my sense of humor :-)

Third - No Date Night yet this month for Babushka and I. I am not sure that a date night every week or even every other week will always be doable but we should NEVER go a month without at least one quality date night. We are targeting Nov. 28th but if something comes up that day that is not expected (See Problem #2) that leaves little time before December. Quality, non-sex alone time is so important for any couple but it seems especially critical for us. We just do better in all areas of life if we are connected.

Fourth - I HATE E.D. SOME DAYS! Last Night was one of those nights. Of all of the benefits I derive from my ADD and AD meds, this is one I could do without. Now I have never been one to separate sex as intercourse vs oral vs. whatever. For me, sexual intimacy with Babushka is all about sharing our nekkidness and and orgasms. We both enjoy making the other cum more than our own orgasms (well, at least as much). That said, last night we had a stressfull, emotion filled evening and both of us were wiped out, so I did not take 1/2 of one of those blue miracle pills. Of course as soon as we are in bed we begin to wake up and Babushka gets particularly horny and explicit in telling me what we will be doing (my cock= her ass). Semi-erect just doesn't cut it during times like these.

I am blessed tha Babushka is so understanding. We had a wonderfully sexual evening and she did enjoy an outstandingly strong orgasm. She makes sure that I have no reason to feel guilty or ffrustrated or inadequate, which is wonderful. That said, there are times I syre miss the days of youth when the cock was rock hard immediiately at the appropriate time - and sometimes teh inappropriate times :-)

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
All said - Life is wonderful and I am cup overfloweth

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Updates on Stuff

Well, because there is so much going on, I have sectioned off everything just in case there are only certain things our readers are looking for updates on:

No showing, yet, on the house. But, thats ok. We have been good at keeping it up. We drove by one option. The pictures did not do it justice. . . The colors on the pictures were nice. The house itself, not so much. It was a BRIGHT yellow. I have spoken to both Pumpkin and BuddyLuv about the move. See below Pumpkin and BuddyLuv sections for more details on that update.

I debated about starting with her to get her out of the way, or ending with her to not allow her to look like a priority. I just want to get her update out of the way. Last Friday, we were kind enough to give PB a heads up that, since she was planning to be at Pumpkin's bball game, I would be attending, also. We thought this was the right thing to do so that she could choose not to be there if it was an issue. After all, this was our weekend with the kids. Well, she did not only NOT choose to stay away, she chose to invite her entire family. It was like the divorce trial all over again! even with them there, things went really well! I guess they were in close proximity to us at one point. But, I didn't let it get to me. I was partially glad to be in the same building as her. I was starting to worry that she was like some super model or something since I still had not a clue about what she looked like. I finally saw a glimpse of her as she walked out the door. Oh. She just looked like a lonely, bitter, angry, hard older woman. Of course, when I was talking to friends later, I added a few more colorful terms. But, that was the basic gist of it. No interaction. Afterwards, I felt a bit childish for not having faced them all head on, introducing myself. But, then again, that was probably the purpose for bringing God and County, right?

New Truck
With Dude driving, we have been debating about purchasing another vehicle. Kahuna was driving an older model Honda with over 160K miles on it. We knew that should go to Dude next year when he gets his license. The debate was, do we take on a car payment now? Or, do we wait until next year? We decided that it was financially smarter to NOT wait and NOT put another 15K+ miles on the Honda. After the first bball game Saturday and before the second, we test drove and bought a Saab 9-7x, beautiful burgandy SUV. Kahuna had to call PB to ask for the name of the car insurance person. Ohhhh. . . Talk about a 20 questions bitch. . .

Pumpkin 1
Saturday after her game, I had to leave and meet friends to work on Christmas presents. We are all into beading. So, we are making jewelry for family. Pumpkin must have missed me because she waked many times if I was coming back. Which, I did. Sunday morning, she was coughing in bed. I went in and got her a drink, then moved her to the couch and tucked her in nice and warm to watch TV and wake up. She liked this, calling me a Mama Bear and saying I take care of her like a Mama Bear takes care of her cubs. :-) Of course I do. Thats how I am. At breakfast, a Mama Bear comment was repeated. (in my heart of hearts, I hoped that time that this name would stick. I understand, she has a mom. But, if my kids are not going to call me mom, any term of endearment would be welcomed with open arms)

Pumpkin 2
Pumpkin and I got to spend our first quality alone time last weekend on Sunday. It is funny. Sometimes I think my heart cannot smile any wider. . . Then, it does! Pumpkin remembered that we had not yet gone to Build-a-Bear for my bday. So, off we went (in the new truck). When we first got to the mall, Pumpkin and I sat and shared some cheese curds. As we did, we talked. I told her that I hope she knows I am another adult she can turn to if she needs someone to talk to. And, asked how things were going with the two households.
**She shared with me that there are times when she would really like to see Kahuna more.
**But, because those times are "PB's" times, she isn't allowed to leave.
**She is only allowed to see Kahuna on the scheduled days.
**She said that her mom is too busy for her.
I asked how she felt about all the changes that were going on, and the plans for next summer. She smiled. She had a lot of positive things to say.
**She's excited BuddyLuv may be on the same bus as her.
**She's excited BuddyLuv will in the same school as her.
**She's excited that BuddyLuv will kind of know what it's like to have a lil'sis and big'bro.
**She's excited that maybe she'll be allowed to come over more often when we are closer.
**She's excited that I will get to know kind of what it is like to have a daughter.
We finished up, went to Build-a-Bear and had a great time. We named the bear Mama Bear. :-) When we got back, she proudly showed Kahuna the bear, declaring that it is a Mama Bear like me and Kahuna is the Daddy Bear.

I know Dude doesn't NOT like me. I can see that. But, he is still not all that comfortable around me. I feel like he is avoiding eye contact. Time is what I can offer him. Hopefully, over time, he will come around. I recognize that I do not control that. And, to that, I will not worry about it. As long as he doesn't hate me, I can love with that. Now, Build-a-Bears, that is one thing he hates. He actually went so far as to state before we left that Pumpkin gets more stuffed animals just because they "piss" him off. I have a hard time with him speaking like this. I know he is just "speaking his mind" and "being himself". But, I see his behavior as disrespectful. Hopefully we will be able to meet in the middle on this. Dude drove us to his house that night in the Honda. Kahuna was in the front. Pumpkin and I were in the back. We held each other's hand for dear life, said a prayer and covered our mouths with the other hand to surpress the expressions of sheer terror. It was scary that, even with his permit, he did not follow posted speeds, swerved a lot, took corners without breaking and almost ran a red arrow. OMG, I felt sick afterwards!

BuddyLuv is still doing really good when it comes to the move. He really wants to move about a month before school gets out. He believes that new kids are the cool kids. If he moves right before school ends, he will be the cool kid for part of this year. Plus, because he still plans to go away most of the summer, he will be the cool kid for at least part of next school year, too. He made the B honor roll, I believe. This is the first time he has done so well. He wouldn't have, had one teacher adjust their grade. He had not had rights to his gaming system for quite some time. There was a time when he had missing assignments and some poor test scores. We are struggling with him because, we see what good grades he got without putting in extra effort and reviewing things and what great grades he would get if he did the extra effort. He sees that he can work even less, and purposely NOT excel so he doesn't have to deal with the excitment and still get by with passing grades. We finally let him have the system back yesterday for one day because Kahuna had school all day and I worked all day. . . His attitude was crap by the end of the day. How do you make someone care?

On Monday night, Kahuna found out he may have to go to NC for work, leaving the next day. He did not want to go, so was not going to pack. Luckily he did because at 10 am Tuesday, I got the call to deliver him to the airport so that ne could leave at 1:30. I walked in the door to grad him and head out. He was on his Blackberry and headset, making important calls. We went downstairs, he NEEDED to amek me cum orally. Off I came and off we went. He was supposed to be gone until Friday. But, luckily, he came home Thursday.

This past week was a rough but blessed week for myfamily. Thursday my 9 year old niece had surgery to replace a piece of bone in her leg where a tumor was growing with that of a jar-grown bone. Though I have a hard time taking things my sister says at face value, if she is telling the truth, this will probably have to happen at various times over her life. I took Thursday off to be with my niece and gram. My niece is home now.

Gram 1
To follow this story, you need to know that I still have two grams. Gram is "regular gram. She is the one I grew up very close to and have always known well. I also have a gram-not-from-az-anymore. Most of my life, she lived out of state. I have never been close to her. She moved here, where she grew up. Anways, Gram was taken by ambulance last Saturday when they thought she was having a heart attack. She was sent home. Wednesday, she was again taken by ambulance. This time because of problems breathing. She was admitted. She is now off all of her meds, ALL of them and it was a lot. They are debating about sendig her home or to a transitional housing for a week.

Gram 2
As I was getting directions to the hospital, my mom called to tell me that they were taking gram-not-from-az-anymore to the hospital for a blood clot. Because it is disolving, she is home, now.

Well, there is more, of course, by my 13 year old is acting like a 2 year old. So, I have to go.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Not quite done yet. - TMI

1. Ever been skinny dipping?
BABUSHKA - Nope. I guess I could take it or leave it.
KAHUNA - I would love to with Babushka

2. How often do you kiss or make out without it simply being a foreplay activity?
BABUSHKA - A lot! Let's see, we kiss when one of us
1) walks in the door (rarely getting beyond the tile of the entry way).
2) is cooking
3) sits next to the other
4) is doing dishes
5) has lips available
6) walks out the door
7) is just outside the door ("Outside Kiss")
8) is having a rough day
9) is having a good day
We kiss a lot!
KAHUNA - See above!!

3. On a scale of 1-10, how content are you with your life? (1 is lowest, 10 is highest) Do you think 'content' and 'happy' the same thing?
BABUSHKA - I think I am a 8 for content and 9 for happy. Content is being ok with things as they are, and being ok with them never changing. Happy is acceptance of circumstances with a positive feeling.
KAHUNA - I could not have said it better. What is important from my standpoint is that pre-Babushka I was never more than a 5 in either category

4. What do you do to relieve stress?
KAHUNA - Let's see..............Have sex with Babushka, masturbate..........are there any other cures? :-) Also, I like to exercise but have not done so in a few months :-(

5. What was the special trait in your first lover that made you decide that they were "the one?"
KAHUNA - I never decided anyone was "the one" until my first time with Babushka. My experiences until then had been confusing and always 'missing something'. I could never explain what was missing. I cannot say I really can now, other than say 'it' is not missing when I am with Babushka.

Bonus: How old were you when you first had sex? (positive experiences here...)
KAHUNA - I was 18 but it was not positive so I will leave it at that....

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Monday, November 3, 2008

And the next morning

It is the next morning.
And, we are still together.
And, we are still blessed.
I love you, Kahuna.
Thank you for the raw tears that lead to our growth.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Trust, Faith and Honesty

Today was difficult. I think it was the fact that I was not prepared for such a difficult day that made it almost overwhelming.

I woke to what I thought was going to be a beautiful. You can tell from the last post. Then, BAM! Within an hour of waking, I was struggling with my son's attitude about school, homework and respecting his elders in general.

Next, we go to church, another fight just to get there. . .

Then a fight to sit up right and sing. . .

Then thoughts of dread of what was later to come that afternoon: a baby shower. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for my friend who is having the baby. She is very excited. I am so happy for her. But, it reminds me that we have chosen to accept that we will never have a baby. that was a dream, for all the years that I was single: have a baby, with someone who wants to have a baby with me, and do things "the right way". Share in all the joy surrounding a pregnancy and baby. Be there and participate in the child's every stage. . . not work 2+ jobs and miss the important milestones.

Then concern that it would be better if I were not there, as I am not good at being fake, which I would have to be in order to not have a negative effect on the party. Then wonder if it were to be better for all if I were not there.

Then it is all saints day, so we are remembering those who have gone before us. . .

Then thoughts turned to all of our discussions about weddings and marriage. And, I got angry. I got so angry, I had to leave church.

Funny, it hadn't been that long since I last talked to Kahuna. But, he knew. Somehow, he knew.

It wasn't long before he was at my door and we were in the bedroom. . . talking, crying, facing fears and being raw. It was the first time I was really mad at him. I was mad that he could not see just how important marriage and a ceremony meant to me. We had talked about it before, a couple of times. I sometimes struggle with NOT having made that commitment before God and family before living together. But, I had never been mad. I had never been angry. Dealing with everything else today brought out the anger. I was mad. I was mad that, from what I saw, PB had been such a demanding fucking bitch when they got married, he was scarred, not interested in the joy that can be a ceremony day. I was mad at myself for caring about the blessing and ceremony so much. Mad at myself for not accepting Kahuna's loving commitment under his terms. Mad that I felt like I was pushing, when I did not want to. Mad that I was not being patient and letting us both get to the same point naturally. And, I was afraid. I was afraid that there never would be a meet in the middle place for us. Afraid that Kahuna would decide that I am too demanding, too pushy, too something. Too wrong for him.

And, we cried.

And I told him.

And we cried.

And then we talked.

And then, as fast and overwhelming as it was, the healing began.

Kahuna helped me to see how, when something matter to me this much, it is my responsibility to sit him and and tell him EXACTLY how and feel and why I feel how I feel. Otherwise, we cannot find peace.

Kahuna also challenged me to think about and put into words what aspects of marriage/ceremony are important to me and why. It is important for us to both honestly look at this if we are going to meet in the happy middle that we both can find peace in.

We need to trust, have faith and act with honesty to have peace and transparent love.


My body shakes
It is powerful
So powerful, I practically sit up
Tremors from my head
Down to my toes
As quickly as I was up
I lay back down
We are the world
There is nothing beyond us
No worries
No Stress
No thoughts
No cares
Tracing the muscles in my legs
Up over my hips
Along my waiste
My sides
Around my breasts
Up to my neck
Down my stomache
Back to my legs
And around, again
Your fingers putting me in a trance
The touch so light
So caring
So gentle
Amazingly intimate