Sunday, February 25, 2007

40-Year Old Virgin No More

I have finally experienced my first............visitor (other than Babushka).

Babushka called me this morning and excitedly told me about a visitor - Mandy the Muse. I discovered her blog in the last week and found myself reading from the beginning.

I enjoy reading of others differing views and experiences, given my ongoing quest to better understand healthy sexuality. I admit I spend less time reading blogs on gardening or raising children. But blogs that discuss nothing other than cocks and pussies are a bore. I enjoy people of substance - those who enlighten me, interest me and add to my growth as a person,

Mandy is one of those people, a complex and interesting individual. Someone whose life and choices are quite different than mine. Yet in reading about her I was drawn to her because of her honesty - honesty in the face of the complicated decisions life brings our way. I enjoyed her interview in Journey to the Darkside. I look forward in continuing to read of her journey.

Speaking of honesty, Babushka and I continue our growth together. Erasing old tapes of others insecurities placed upon us. For me it was my reaction to Babushka telling me about Mandy's note on this blog. Immediately I felt this need to defend why I had been reading her blog. Guilt and shame are two emotions that don't leave quickly.

Babushka and I are healing from our past relationships and their baggage. We ask the tough questions that we are not sure we want to know the answer to.

I ask Babushka today - "Does it bother you that I read blogs, especially those written by women?"

Babushka asks me yesterday - "Does it bother you if I fantasize about being sexual with another woman and you are not an active participant?"

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
Oh -just to answer the questions above......NO and NO......Life is indeed a good thing!

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Houston, We Have a Problem

No, I am not an astronaut nor do I wear a NASA diaper. I am referring to rockets...well, actually my rocket. I am struggling in my recent foray into sexual activity. My ability to attain an erection appears to be inconsistent and undependable. Some days I have successful liftoff, other times not so successful. This his proving to be very difficult for me mentally and spiritually (and plays hell on a guys ego!)

This has made me think about confidence today, actually the loss of my confidence. Losing confidence is defined as no longer trusting in your ability to perform. That inability to perform causes anxiety, which leads to embarrassment , then anger and finally inner rejection of ones' self. These feelings combine to provoke internal fears and insecurities.

Fear and Insecurity - Not the ingredients that lead to great sex. This describes my time with Babushka last evening. Having waited all week for an evening together, we had both waited anxiously all week for Friday night. An evening of wine, dine and 69 -actually Diet Mt. Dew and Chinese but definitely sex.

Previous performance problems weighed on my mind last night. Babushka I am sure could notice my trepidation. Through the rubbing, holding , touching, kissing and exploring my mind continuously focus to my groin - "Are ya' workin' yet". Ultimately it did not.

So of course in my male brain that means:
- We did not really have sex
- We did have set but it was not good or enjoyable sex
- I am not a real man
- I am an abhorrent failure and should relegate myself to a leper colony

So what does constitute "Good Sex"?
- Did Babushka and I enjoy each others bodies? - Yep.
- Did Babushka and I laugh, pant, swell and sweat? - Absolutely
- Did Babushka have an Orgasm? - Two very loud one's thank you very much

But I am a man at heart and in my mind I am a complete and utter failure. Obviously sex cannot be either good or real unless I am impaling Babushka while she is in some obscenely awkward position, grunting and groaning illegible phrases while her legs cramp up. I am a guy after all - that is how we think.

So I sit here today -licking my wounds and cursing my very existence. No matter the multiple levels of stress in my life right now, I convince myself that these are just excuses and a real man could get wood on his death bed. No matter how much Babushka reassures me. my male mind tells me I need to let her go find a real man who can truly satisfy her.

I am not confident that I am the right person for my Babushka-all the wonderful qualities I may have are irrelevant because for three hours last night I was not the proverbial 20-year old with a constant erection. Funny how measure our worth by our lowest common denominator.

Confidence - A state of balanced perceptions and preparation.

Confidence - A belief in yourself and someone else based on your quality of trusting

Get Busy Livin or Get Busy Dyin'.......and how do I spell Viagra again? :-)

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Heck, I Dont Even Believe It!!

I never thought it would happen - turning down an opportunity for some quality nekkid time with my lovely Babushka.....for Work and Errands?!?

That's right - mundane activities like these rather than "gettin' a little somethin', somethin" and I could not be happier! Before those who know me call the wagon with the white coats, let me clarify. Work, Errands, Food, Air, etc. will never be more vital to me than Babuska's HWP or NTA.

But I did not play the old tapes - "better drop everything cause this may be your only chance for the year." My past experience was a partner whose desire was slow to arrive (and only upon the exact compliment of alcohol) but would quickly disappear without warning. Many a time a statement of interest was gone by the time the car pulled in the driveway. With a sex life of 2-3 times a year, preoccupation at any slight possibility was the norm, almost always resulting in rejection, pain and ultimately resentment.

But not today and not with Babushka. Her interest in me does not depend on a precariously thin line of alcohol. Her desire for me will be no less tomorrow than it was today. We will spend a glorious evening tomorrow filled with laughter, intimacy and orgasms I am sure! Being healthy enough to prioritize responsibility over desire - that is priceless indeed!

And don't worry about me - I will be chasing Babushka around the kitchen tomorrow doing my best Bill Murray - Spatula in Hand!

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'

"Now Strip and Give Me Ten!"

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Back in the Saddle Again....

I'm Baaaack.....

So I am no Steven Tyler, but I felt like he looks last week - Rode hard and put away wet. It was a week that continued the strain on my serenity. My return was met with work challenges, divorce documents, health concerns and an anniversary without celebrants. Culminated with an unhealthy Saturday and a few poor choices.

That was my bottom and prompted me to reach out to my friends in recovery. This was not a "I drank" bottom, rather an emotional bottom. Reaching out to friends, letting others in on my challenges and allowing them to be with me.

The act of trusting others with my pain and my heart - that is the path back to myself. The man I missed while he was gone last week and the man who is filled with gratitude. A man of dignity and grace. It's nice to be back.

We all have setback - we all stumble - we all have bottoms. What separates us is not the temporary fall to our "bottom" but how long we say in that "bottom".

Conversly, Babushkas "bottom" is an example of a bottom I would choose to spend much time in - Back in that lovely saddle again.

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Grace under Pressure........or Not

Back from the Pacific Northwest and square into the middle of the race. My trip was an opportunity of growth - to be the adult. It also knocked my serenity for a loop upon my return.
  • My spiritual serenity
  • My sexual serenity
  • My professional serenity
Thankfully my Babushka came to see me today before her trip out of town. Intimacy is as much about the uncomfortable conversations as it is about the comfortable ones. Not just providing a safe place for someone but feeling safe yourself. Not only listening with empathy and without judgement to another's fears and concerns but having enough trust and faith in them to share your own fears and concerns.

I thank my lovely Jewel for the gift of intimacy.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

As the Sun Sets Over the Horizon

This week with my Gram has given me pause. This week has been her final transition from somewhat independent living to completely dependent living. Her slide into dementia has been swift but not entirely complete. She has brief times where she is still lucid - just Gram. At these times she wants to go home and does not want to be in a place where old people play with dolls and talk to themselves. It is so difficult breaking the news to her that she has to stay - over and over again. She drift into her mind and has no memory of previous discussions.

It makes me think about life. We are supposed to spend all of this time scrimping and saving for our golden years. Put off today's pleasures for tomorrow's comfort. Then retirement comes:
  • Failing bodies limit activities that have been planned for years
  • Spouses pass away to soon to enjoy activities planned
  • Failing mental faculties steal our past and cloud our present
  • Retirement homes, not vacation homes, are where our "golden years" funds are spent
I am not saying that I will chuck the 401K and buy with credit cards until my wallet bursts into flames. What I do not want to do is put off special times today for a tomorrow that may never occur. Life is simply too short and like an NFL contract - not guaranteed.

I love my Gram but I hope she goes to be with my Grandpa Bill soon. She may be alive but she is no longer living.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

I Miss You Too.....

As I walk in the door I am greeted with a kiss. Not just any kiss but a kiss from the softest and sweetest lips I have ever touched. As our tongues move in unison my hands slide down her back and begin to caress. Our lips separate and she whispers into my ear “I have missed you” as her hand finds the front of my jeans and rubs the growing bulge.

The weekend ahead provide numerous opportunities to re-connect in many ways but right now there is but one immediate connection that must occur. Stumbling through the doorway and into the bedroom, Babushka has already succeeded in freeing my growing cock from its’ confines. By the time we reach the end of the bed I have stepped out of my pants and stand naked from the waist down and at full attention. As she pulls my shirt over my head I find her pussy beneath her skirt - fully exposed and wet beyond belief.

“I have missed you - I need you to fuck me now!” If that was not enough of a hint, the pulling of me on top of her by my hard cock captured my attention. We again kiss as her legs wrap around my waist. My cock slides into her pussy and is greeted warmly. As Babushka exhales in satisfaction as her pussy grasps my cock with pressure and passion, reminding me that indeed I have been missed.

My hips begin their familiar thrusts and our eyes open to look at one another. Our gaze confirms our passion for one another. Our mouths smile in unison and display the affection and joy we feel for one another. My erect penis continues its’ dance of joy within her excited vagina – each coaxing the other toward release and satisfaction.

Release and satisfaction for both are not far behind. Both act as if they were made exclusively for the pleasure of the other. Groans, moans and words of emphasis are exchanged. We encourage each other to climax as my cock explodes within her convulsing pussy.

Heavy breathing begins to subside as we lay in each others arms. Responsibilities of the afternoon will be here shortly. The demands of others and life in general will not be denied for much longer.

Babushka and I will not be denied either and we must cum first. There will always be time for us to connect with the world. We will always take a little time first to re-connect ourselves with one another – Emotionally, Spiritually, Physically and Sexually.

Get Busy Livin’ or Get Busy Dyin

We must prioritize all that life gives us ........................ ...................... Prioritize wisely.

Thank you to my Babushka for her inspirational phone call.

Monday, February 5, 2007

Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down

Tough times up here in the Pacific Northwest. It's cold, damp and grey inside as well as outside. My Grams is fighting for all she is worth, but old-age and the natural order of life always has the upper hand in these battles. Like so many things that life passes your way, times like these remind me of our true powerlessness. Strength, empathy and courage are all the best efforts we can give to one another.

Now to the controversy that is brewing up here in the Emerald State:

When Caffiene alone is not enough

Coffee shop competition is fierce here at the home of Starbucks, so what are some shops turning to?

Sex (What Else).

Scantily clad baristas Candice Law, left, and Toni Morgan make drinks at Cowgirls Espresso in Tukwila, Wash.

Friday, February 2, 2007

Reality Bites (Not the Movie)

I am being called away to the rainy Pacific Northwest to tend to my dying grandmother. Coming up on her 9th decade, she has lived a long and full life but her quality of life has been non-existent since August. Even though it is time for her to go in peace, the pain of others is not lessened.

Loss is painful, even when it is for the best and has been planned for. No one is ever truly prepared for that last goodbye. Loss also brings out the best qualities in others - sympathy, care, consideration. For all of our human frailties, most people are good people in their heart.

Babushka is certainly good at heart, mind, body, spirit and soul. She has been very supportive and loving the last few days. We have shared emotions and feelings: commitment and consideration.

We have also shared Orgasms - hers yesterday and mine today. It was neither full-fledged lovemaking or passionately wild fucking. It was two people together - each one bringing the other to orgasm. Sexual intimacy as a way to care for the other; comfort the other; connect with the other; give to the other; relieve stress within the other. Selfless acts of giving to another person. Enjoyable....yes - but selfless all the same.

Healthy sexuality is intertwined with the rest of life. Reminds me of when we moved my grandma out of her home about 10 years ago. I stumbled across a dusty box in the closet and brought it out to where my mother and her sisters were going through dishes. What was in the box was a Penis Pump. As her grown daughters blushed, giggled and mumbled "gross", my grandma stated with pride that there was nothing wrong with a little help to allow her and their dad to share themselves. They were sexual on a regular basis until his Alzheimer's took his mind and spirit from her.

I remember vaguely that 70ish woman finally telling her daughters to grow up. I will miss my gram. But she will be with me always.

It will be a tough week but I will not be alone. I know my friends will be with me. I know my Babushka will be with me.

I will be dealing with life.....and death.......on their terms.

Thursday, February 1, 2007

Fluff and Fold Me...

Babushka has some significant work stress right now. I could hear it in her voice as we spoke about wanting to see me if it weren't for the snow. Being the WONDERFUL man I am, I braved the elements of our frozen northern tundra last night to trek to her house - It must have snowed upwards of 1/2 inch!!

Anyhow it was a wonderful evening including spelling words and folding laundry. It is nice when people truly appreciate the little things we do for one another. I know she appreciates the help and I enjoy the opportunity to spend an hour with her, comfort her and help a little with the pressures she has every day.

While I was folding her laundry, Babushka came in to discuss her day, her concerns and thank me for my help. As this conversation occurs she walks behind me and and starts to gently rub my ass. Without interrupting a sentence, the rubbing becomes more erotic, with her finger applying gentle pressure while gliding along the crack of my ass. her hand slides further, massaging my balls and pressuring me perineum. This feels so good as I fold towels and listen.

That was the extent of our time together folding laundry (no wild orgasms or tearing of clothing to report) but it was a powerful statement for me. It was a powerful confirmation to me that sexual touch is appropriate in non-sexual situation. It confirms for me that healthy sexuality should be an integrated part of our overall life - not segregated or something to avoid.

It was Babushka being intimate with me and communicating to me without saying a word:
  • Thank you for listening
  • Thank you for caring
  • Thank you for helping
  • Know that I want you in my life
  • And even with all the stress and craziness I still think of your cock
Text Message from Babushka @ 5:58am this morning:
I'm getting in the shower! Wanna cum?

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'....
I'll take an order of life, side of happiness with a fresh glass of horny!