Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Just an update

So far so great!

The house has been on the Market since Saturday. No calls yet. Patience, I know. . .

I am trying to weed through things and sell off some things. I know we don't want to go hog wild and drown in the debt of new things for the new house. But, it is also so exciting to start anew. I want everything to be us. . . not everything that WAS us.

Over the last few days, I have emailed my sister with details of things headed out the door. I guess I was not thinking (consciously) that she would guess I am moving. But, she asked point blank if I was planning to sell my house. I went to Kahuna to talk through how I wanted to handle that call. My options were to 1) lie. 2) tell her the truth. 3) avoid the question. Before, option 3 would have been preferred. I couldn't live with option 1. So, option 3 was the option for me.

I told her that, yes, I am planning to and am actually in the process of selling the house. I also asked for her silence as BuddyLuv and I had a plan as to how we would like to tell everyone. Her response was more questions. Those I did not send lies or ignore. I simply said that I love her.

Well, I was going to write more. But, Kahuna just walked in from school and I want to cuddle!

Friday, October 24, 2008

What would you (not) do for $10,000

Some days I am so busy around the office that I end up reading stories such as this.
There are a few quotes within the article that helped me lighten up an otherwise stressed day at the office:

- "In our society it's going to be hard to find" a couple that hasn't had premarital sex [a couple who has not had premarital sex]. … But the standard is the standard." I suspect it would be easier to find a couple not having post-marital sex :-).......but her standard is her standard and she is sticking to it, by Golly!

- Yet in a recent interview, Faust seemed inclined to relax the rules, saying couples engaging in sex can still qualify but they must acknowledge, “The right choice is probably not to have had done it.” She will, however, draw the line at couples living together. “If the couple is living together, definitely not, because they are set up for the kill.” OK, so her standard was dropped dramatically in the very next sentence but only as long as they have sex in their car or their parents house!!

Hypocrisy is so prevalent "in our society", although apparently not as prevalent as premarital sex. How about we focus on discussions with our teens and young adults about respecting and honoring the person you are making love with. Or perhaps the importance of effective communication regarding sexual needs and expectations during a marriage before they get married.

But no - as long as you are a virgin when you are married then you are have succeeded! - unwanted sex, forced sex, withholding sex as part of your marriage are fine because THANK GOD you are married.

You know, Babushka and I could use $10,000 if we acknowledge it would have been better if we waited.........................not waited with each other but waited with the unfulfilling sexual partners we had before each other! Plus - We only participated in oral sex with each other this morning before work so perhaps we still qualify as virgins (at least for today) :-)

It appears many are getting busy indeed

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

TMI Tuesday #157

Have you ever felt guilty or ashamed after a sexual experience?
KAHUNA – No, not anymore.

Did you ever own a fake ID?
KAHUNA – I did and it amazes me that it ever worked at all!

How often do you tell white lies? Is it with or without thinking?
KAHUNA – I do my very best to not tell white lies and if it does occur I look to admit it and make amends for it. I am certainly not perfect at this, but as a foundation of recovery this is a greater concern for me than it likely is for most.

On a scale of 1-10, how well do you receive constructive criticism?
KAHUNA – Typically I am very good at taking constructive criticism (9) but it can depend on how I am feeling emotionally and who is delivering the criticism.

Have you ever shaved your pubic hair?
KAHUNA – Yes and I still do. My lovely Babushka shaves me sometimes as well

Bonus: What percentage of women do you think are capable of handling being in a "friends with benefits" relationship? How about men?
Women – 90%
Hetero Men – 1%
Non-Hetero Men – 5% :-)

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Babushka's Catching Up :-)

We'll actually tomorrow is my Babushka's Birthday but we celebrated this weekend.

On Friday, we had a lovely dinner at at TGIF's and then went to see The Dutchess. This was a great date movie, although Babushka did comment on how women of the time were certainly mistreated generally. For me, I simply cannot fathom no electricity. We then went back to my place for presents, dessert and sleep. Although Babushka was not showered with riches, I do believe she truly appreciated her gifts:
  • Hand-drawn Birthday Card from Pumpkin
  • University Sweatshirt from the school I am attaining my MBA from
  • New Cell-Phone
  • Part 2 of my erotic story written for her (Part 1 was given to her last Christmas)

We awoke early, maybe 5:00am or so, and enjoyed some absolutely phenomenal lovemaking/fucking. After a couple orgasms for the birthday girl and one for me, we rooled back into each others arms and fell back asleep for three more hours. That was an incredible experience I had never enjoyed before - morning sex followed by cuddling sleep.

Saturday was a lovely day (of course it was - look how it started). I took Babushka to a park on the Mississippi River where we strolled on the hiking path, hand in hand, and enjoyed the beautiful turning of the foliage. It was quiet, serene and one of the most spiritual days we have had in quite a while. We took the camera but the fact I forgot to charge the batteries I was only able to snap a few photos. It was such a beautiful day!!!!

Today we cleaned Babushka's house, as we are preparing for the Realtor to come over tomorrow. As Babushka has posted earlier, we are looking to facilitate an eventual short sale with the mortgage company. It is a difficult and stressful process, especially for my Babushka. I so wish I could take the burden for her - I will do everything I can to love and support her.

Some days do not feel necessarily joyous and free but if we slow down we can find something within each day to bring us joy and freedom from our worries.

Babushka is my "something"

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Harder, Harder, Harder

We have told all three children. Dude was basically silent, beyond asking if Kahuna would be living in the city Dude lives in. Pumpkin was silent. BuddyLuv. . . not so much. The intial response was a simple multiple "No" followed by goofey behavior. He did like the fact he would still have his own room and was even promised a TV in his room. The next morning, Kahuna, in his loving and wonderful ways, mentioned that he was looking forward to the possability to spending time with BuddyLuv on a daily basis. Now that they know, it is harder to be patient and thankful for today, rather than focus on dreams of the future. I just want to be with Kahuna. I just want BuddyLuv to be with Kahuna.

I am scared of the treatment I will probably receive from the mortgage company. However, there are necessary evils that must occur to help support your request for a short sale. I don't deal well with mean people. I take it very personally and often allow it to upset me. It will be hard. But, I must find the strength to get through this part.

Last night, Kahuna had conferences and the children. That meant We could not see him. Those days are becoming harder and harder. Yes, I am pmsing, I am sure. But, I was on the phone with Kahuna and shed a few tears as I shared with him how much my body hurt from doing some physical labor around the home and just wanted to cuddle up into him and go to sleep.

My birthday is coming up!I will be 33 (I think. . . 75 to 08. . . yep, 33)! For my birthday, I am so excited! I get 4 days with Kahuna! Friday night! All day Saturday (except I have to work. But, it is a short 4 hour shift. I could not pass because it is the league I normally wait on. It would be irresponsible of me NOT to be there when I can make decent money. Besides, they know it is my bday! They said they would spread the word to be extra nice to me with tips)! All day Sunday (Kahuna, before I forget, BuddyLuv has to acolyte on Sunday, will you go to church with us)! And Monday night! Hey, and technically, Tuesday, too, in the morning! YEAH!

Kahuna. . .

I know your desires to give me the world. I have them, too. I don't need the world. I need you. I know you mentioned last night that you were having a hard night accepting the details of the divorce again because of the impact on us and our finances. I have those times, too. Not because I want your money. But rather, because of the stress it causes you.

It is ok, sweetie. You made the right choices because they were the choices you made. It has all happened in this way for a reason. I accept it and am thankful. No matter the outcome, we now have the opportunity to accept it and opportity to be free to move on. That moving on means we are one step closer to our dreams. I see nothing but good in that.

I miss you!
I desire you!
I adore you!
I love you!

Get busy livin or get busy dyin. . .
This is us living.

PS I bet you thought this was going to be about sex!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

TMI Tuesday #156 - Foresight

What do you do that sends a clear signal to your partner that you're interested in an intimate evening?
KAHUNA – Babushka and I have a running jock right now where we will call the other on the phone and ask if we can have sex, followed by a plea that we need to have sex tonight. It is very cute

How important is foreplay to an exciting evening?
KAHUNA – I read a book a long time ago called “sex begins in the kitchen”. I believe foreplay is an all-day event. I am always cuddling and kissing and caressing Babushka. By the time we get to an opportunity to have sex we are both already worked up.

What is the first thing you do during foreplay or what is the first thing you like done to you?
KAHUNA – Answer #2 aside, I am big on kissing and rubbing the whole body – giving and receiving

Are you a one and done kind of partner (20 minutes or so) or do you like intimacy sessions longer than 60 minutes?
KAHUNA – Both are great and serve their purpose, although I typically take a longer time to cum than most so we tend to lean toward the longer sessions.

BONUS: If you are interested in sex with a same-sex partner, what would be the first thing you'd like to touch on that other person, and why? (For those already in same sex relationships...what was the first thing you touched, or if you were interested in a relationship with the opposite sex, what would be the first thing you touched?)
KAHUNA – I wish I had a reply here but cannot lie. I see nothing wrong with two men having sex together it is just not an interest to me.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Where to start

Well, where do we start?

Housing. . . The announcement:
WE ARE MOVING! I am so beyond excited! I am so beyond scared! A while back, I shared with Kahuna that I have dreamed for a while that BuddyLuv and I will be in the same city as he and his family by the beginning of the next school year. I feel it is important that this happen in the summer, not mid year. I also feel it is important that this happen THIS summer because he would have one more year in middle school to adjust before he start high school. Then he would go to HS with the same kids from start to finish.

Housing. . . The history:
For the entire time Kahuna and I have been together, I struggled back and forth. I was torn. I KNEW from day one this would happen. I prayed this would happen. But, I was also scared that this would happen. I felt that, because I have, in my opinion, been a less than good mother for most of BuddyLuv's life, I owed it to him to NEVER make him switch school districts. This was reinforced by my parent's, who held, and probably still hold, the opinion that I would be "selfish" to move BuddyLuv to a brand new school district just so that I can be with Kahuna.

Housing. . . The realities:
I have been able to talk through this with a few close friends. 1) Although this may be a rough transition for BuddyLuv, this may not be a rough transition for him. 2) He would not be the first child who is moved during middle school. 3) He may want to stay in the same school district with his friends. But, he wants someone he can think of and call DAD even more.

Housing. . . The fears:
The fears that run through my mind are:
1) The children will have a rough adjustment
2) The children will, worse yet, never adjust
3) We will end up as one of those tragic families you hear about where wonderful, non-violent children become violent and rebellious (any of the children)
4) This will damage Kahuna's relationships with his children
5) Living in sin, and God's/families' opinion and not being able to have my nieces' over, overnight, because of this choice

Housing. . . The market:
As I am sure I mentioned before, I was preyed upon when I bought my house. Preyed upon by a contractor/attorney/realtor who were all working together to dump a flipped home. It ended up being overpriced when purchased and overpriced when refinanced to keep it. Well, in today's market, that means a home value 20+% LESS than it is currently marketed at. OUCH! Our options are/were to:
1) Stay as is, living in two separate homes in two separate cities
2) Selling my home, trying to get the bank to accept a short sale
3) Keeping the home and renting it out
4) Foreclosure

I have openly entertained Option 1. It is my last choice. Option 4 is my second to last choice. We would be able to all be together. But, my credit would be ruined and that is all that I have had for all of these years. I have taken pride in the fact that I keep decent credit through the messes I have been in. I am still torn between Option 2 and Option 3.

Option 2
1) Hit to my credit, effecting it for a few years
2) The market may turn around before 2011 when the balloon payment is due
3) It will probably take a while to sell and I would not be able to rent it out while waiting for it to sell
1) This house would then be in my past
2) We would not have to deal with the risks of rentals
3) We could take our lumps and move on

Option 3
1) It is risky renting
2) I would still be responsible for the home and repairs
3) I would be financially responsible for the home if I do not have a renter
4) It would be expensive to make the necessary repairs to make the home rentable
5) Our rental choice would be more limited to budget for 3
My credit could potentially still be hurt
1) The market could turn around, renting may allow for us to break even in the end
2) My credit could potentially stay good
3) I could find good renters like the one currently in my basement and all would be fine

Wow! As I am listing these out, I have started to realize just how much risk there could be with Option 3. Yes, I could spent the 10K now to fix the place up. But, the reality is, the home would probably not regain 40K in value in 3 years. Therefore, we would need to do a short sale/foreclosure 3 years from now anyway. Plus, we would be out the money put into it just to make it rentable, plus, that means I risk my credit being affected for 3-7 years after 2011! Plus, who knows if banks will be as open to short sales then like many are being forced to be now. If I do and can do a short sale now, the credit hit would be over by the time the balloon payment is due.

Housing. . . The dream:
I know this probably sounds negative. There is a lot to think about, and a lot running through my mind. But, in the end, at the end of the day, the only thing that truly matters is that we will all be together. It will all work out. We just need to take that leap of faith.

Get busy livin' or get busy dyin':
I have my eyes wide open and I am ready to jump!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

It is not very often that I am at a loss of what to do on a Saturday afternoon
  • Dude is at debate and I am unsure when he will return.
  • Punkin is not feeling well so she does not want to go anywhere.
  • Babushka is working her 2nd job - too much work for not enough money
  • BuddyLuv is alone and likely on his third hour of COD4
  • My school homework is on my work computer
I am not doing anything of any real value, while Babushka continues to work every day with no days off. I do not feel right about this. If babushka is doing work I should be either working or schooling. It may not be "my fault" but it still seems that somehow I am letting her down by not doing either.

I was gonna post something fun and naughty, but I realize that Babushka is my inspiration for fun and naughtiness in my life. Instead I am gonna read my new book.

I was reading the blog of AR earlier today and she mentioned that she had not seen her BF since July. It made me realize I never want to go that long without my Babushka. Days apart are bad enough.

Lots going on in our lives right now, but days like this are a great reminder that I want Babushka and BuddyLuv in my life.....................full time

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

TMI #155 - Virtues Edition

OK Dana/Boo – I am going to answer these questions but do not appreciate the need to go to my dictionary for all these virtuous words to understand what they mean 

1. Prudence: When do you feel it is most important to exercise prudence? When is it acceptable to throw practicality out the window?
KAHUNA – Sound judgment is a good practice in all situations, although some might say leaving a comfortable (if unhappy) existence for the unknown was not prudent.

2. Justice: Is a sense of justice really a virtue, or is only a tool that allows us to pass judgment on others without feeling guilty? What do you feel is the greatest injustice facing the world today?
KAHUNA – Justice in my opinion is not a virtue, as it is almost solely based on the subjective interpretation of the person(s) seeking it. What I feel is the greatest injustice facing the world today may be entirely just and reasonable in the eyes of others. We all have a soapbox from which we like to espouse our wisdom from.

3. Temperance: All things in moderation. Should we allow ourselves a few excesses? How well do you restrain yourself when faced with your deepest desires?
KAHUNA – Being someone who is in recovery from both alcohol and pornography addictions, I likely view this differently than some. Moderation is something that does not come naturally to me so I always need to question my own motives and self-restraint is not always easy. For me the desire to be honest and willingness to be as transparent as possible allows for moderation that was not always there.

For alcohol, I have no interest in drinking again so I am able to easily say moderation is not an option. Sobriety is a daily reprieve that I choose – if I ever drink again it will addictive not moderate.

For Porn it is much more complex. Babushka and I enjoy porn and being with her has eliminated the shame I felt in my marriage about it. There are times when this can be a moderate, enjoyable behavior for me yet other times it can be an addictive behavior to escape my feelings. That said, I meet with my SAA sponsor regularly and we discuss where I am at emotionally and what I am or am not viewing/reading as well as sharing myself with Babushka

4. Courage/Fortitude: How well do you confront fear and uncertainty, or intimidation? Does facing the little things make you as brave as facing the big things?
• KAHUNA – I do a better job of this that previous, although there is always room to improve. Babushka and I have faced a number of fears together and I am confident we will continue to do so.

5. Faith: Is it important to have faith? How steadfast are you in your core beliefs? Do your core beliefs equate to faith in something?
• KAHUNA – I consider myself spiritual in a recovery sense but not very religious. I tried to become much more religious when I was married but it never ended up connecting with me. My core beliefs equate to faith in my recovery, faith in those I love and ultimately faith in myself.

6. Hope: Does having hope for the future help you deal with the present? How good are you at finding the good in the bad? What is the thing you hope for most?
• KAHUNA – I have more hope for my future today than I have ever had previously (I am writing a college paper on this topic). I do a fairly good job in finding the good in people and situations (politicians excluded). I hope for little these days; If I want to attain something I will work for it rather than hope it happens.

7. Love/Charity: How easy is it for you to give selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness? How easy is it for you to receive selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness?
• KAHUNA – When I am in a strong mode and sound in my recovery, I exhibit great amounts of selfless and unconditional love. When I am in a less accepting and not as grateful for the blessing in my life and more focused on what I do not have (typically financial) I am instead selfish and conditional in my reactions. I receive love and kindness much better than I used to and always enjoy when Babushka unconditionally loves me– like Sunday Night / Monday morning when a great bout of anal sex put me to sleep and a great blowjob woke me up. Give, Give, Give!!!!!!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

TMI Follow-up and Long Overdue HNT

A brief conversation I had while driving Wednesday morning made me think of the Tuesday question of sexy vs. erotic:

Babushka: I have good news and bad news
Kahuna: Give me the bad news first
Babushka: I am starting to get the cold that my BuddyLuv has
Kahuna: I am sorry to hear that
Babushka: The good news is I would still love to see you tonight after your class, although I understand if you would rather not risk catching this cold
Kahuna: I appreciate your concern and understand that I get to your house so late after class. You need your rest and don't want to wake you up
Babushka: Sweetie, I need to suck your cock tonight
Kahuna: (snickers)
Babushka: No - I NEED to suck your cock tonight

Now I do not know whether to term this sexy or erotic, but I do know it greatly improved my drive into the office.

Regarding HNT - Recent changes to our firewall has made it impossible for me to access the site of the HNT founder. That and over scheduling has made me neglect the posting of this HNT of Babushka that I took a few months back as we celebrated the end of my never-ending divorce...............I do love looking at her

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'

My chances of getting a cold just increased dramatically :-)