Saturday, April 30, 2011

Deja Vu all over again

My last post was right when my relapse started.......one night when I could no longer take the arguments, the profanity, the disrespect that are my parents' relationship. I drank one night.......then told myself it would only be once........that I did not need to tell anyone.........just this once........that's what every alcoholic tells themself to justify their decision........because it would only be JUST THIS ONCE!!!

Fast forward to the end of April - drinking almost every day this last week. Lying to my dear Babushka's face about it, even though she already knew. Amazing how alcoholics think.....when we are not strong on our recovery we are bound to our secrets to the bitter end.....it is a sad way to live.

Last night was my bottom. For the first time in my years on this earth I understood why someone would willingly end their life. That feeling of hopelessness - pissing away everything you have ever wanted just to satisfy that urge to drink something you do not even want to drink but do anyway, because it is the easier, softer way. Wife would be better off; kids would be better off; everyone would be better off if you were just not around anymore to hurt them. The ultimate in alcoholic selfishness.

The cold rain of this Saturday morning is appropriate indeed. Babushka sits no more that 2 feet from me - typing away to find a release for all of her anger and disappointment in me. All the happy times chronicled in this blog a distant memory. In its' place the deafening silence, utter and complete lack of trust and all of the internal grunge that bubbles to the surface.

How does one get back the life we once had - the trust; the joy; that carefree feeling that comes with unconditional love? Sadly we do not..........We can get back some of that, even much of that but once it is lost once it never completely returns. There is forever the little doubt in the back of their mind. There is always that tiny bit of apprehension and guarding of her heart to protect from being hurt again. It is what it is and will be what it will be. I as an alcoholic have made this bed and the consequences that result are mine to accept.

"We were powerless over alcohol, and our life had become unmanageable" - Guilty as charged. Today is the first day back up that steep hill that I thought I would never have to truly scale again. Humility and Humiliation - Hope yet Demoralization. These have taken the place of the happiness, joyousness and freedom that sobriety and recovery had blessed me with.

This is a journey back in time - I am once again who I once was many years ago: isolated, dishonest; fearful; angry and ultimately alone. Of those, today I work on the isolation - discussions with other alcoholics and obtaining a sponsor that I will speak with daily, not once every other week. Monday will be the call to schedule an intake assessment. From there only God knows what is in store. That is no longer my concern.

In all likelihood I will end this blog and begin a new one - one that I can journal in daily. One that will help in regaining my path in recovery. A new path; a different path. The path chronicled in this blog is gone - sacrificed to a bottle of Windsor and weak spirit. I miss the life chronicled in this blog - it represents the happiest times in my life. It represents the man I became; the man I always wanted to be. The man I no longer am...........

I got Busy Livin' ........... but ultimately got Busy Dyin' I will mourn my loss of this life and always look back upon it with fondness and pride.

"Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"
  • I did love - beyond my wildest imagination
  • I then lost it to selfishness, complacency and resentment
Now I start over again.......................................................................

2 comments:

Gillette said...

Hugs.

Big Kahuna said...

Thanks Gillette - I hope life finds you well. Due to work filters I only have access to your cooking blog but I do like the recipes :-()