Saturday, December 29, 2007

Not sure what the title should be

Hello, all!

I hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday season, however you celebrate. My Christmas was the best Christmas I have ever had in my entire life! No exaggeration!

But, today is not a holiday and so today I will deal with life. There is a topic that I want to write about. Yet, I don't know the angle from which to cover this topic. I don't even know what I want to say about this topic. Maybe because I have this nagging feeling that I have to work something out within and it is too complex to do so without doing a free writing session to realize how I feel! Anyone totally confused, yet?

As most of you know, Kahuna is still going through his divorce. It is surprising what little a deal this is. . . I know he is trying, I know they are proceeding, slowly but surely. . . I could write forever about being the girlfriend of a divorcing man. But, I acknowledge all of that, and accept that we are who we are and what we are and am right with my God about that.

The divorce is not the issue at hand. The ex. . . I could go on about her and her stunts. But, that is not even the issue at hand. But, what about the kids.

I have BuddyLuv, a 12 year old I have been raising since day one as a single parent. He has Dude, a 14 year old boy and Pumpkin, a 10 year old girl.

Years back, I met Dude and Pumpkin. This was far before Kahuna and I had any incling that we would become this beautiful thing we are today. The three kids were brought in for the take your child to work day. I have seen this years school pictures of them. They are such beautiful children!

Dude's response to the separation of his parents was very supportive, almost to the point of sounding like, "Why did it take you so long". I remember walking with Kahuna one day over lunch and his telling me that Pumpkin saw a picture of a wedding dress in the window of an alterations shop. She commented that if he ever got married again, she would help the bride pick out the wedding dress and maybe the person he married could help her (Pumpkin) pick out her wedding dress. Because of their ages, and the relationship (or lack there of) they saw, they have never really held onto the hope that Kahuna and ex will ever gert back together again. That does not mean it is not hard on them. Pumpkin, especially. . . She just wants to be normal and feels that she and her family are not normal because the mom and dad do not live together. And, at 10, she is sure she is the only one who is like that.

A while back, Kahuna started to prepare them for the entrance of a lady friend by making and receiving short, happy, light phone calls. Dude has suspected for quite some time that there is someone else (though not as far back as we actually go). Dude used to joke that Kahuna should join a dating service. Dude was also mortified that a lady flirted with Kahuna at the grocery store.

Kahuna had a talk with Dude to confirm my existence in his life. Dude seemed to take it alright, but did not ask any questions about me, which had me a little concerned. But, he is 14. He needed time to take it all in. Kahuna did tell Dude that Pumpkin did not know about me, and was concerned that she was not ready. Dude understood.

I was relieved to hear about Dude teasing Kahuna about having a girlfriend. To me, it showed that he was warming up to the idea.

A few weeks back, BuddyLuv's school district was going to state for football. Kahuna was very pleased that BuddyLuv wanted to go see the game with Kahuna. He said he would take BuddyLuv. But, then Dude was going to be at Kahuna's, so we decided it would be best to wait till next year. We talked to BuddyLuv, who is aware of the basics of the situation, and was understanding beyond his years. Kahuna talked to Dude and said that he had made this commitment to BuddyLuv and asked him if he would want to go with so that Dude can meet BuddyLuv and Kahuna can stand by his commitment. Dude's response was that sure, he would be ok with doing that if it were ok with me! Turned out that Dude went to his cousins for something, Kahuna went with us to the game. But, I took Dude's response to the invitation as another positive sign.

Fast forward to Christmas. Christmas was beautiful and wonderful. But, it made me think about Dude and Pumpkin and how I wish I could share the joy of the season with them, as well. I think it is the mother instinct in me that knows they have not really seen a healthy relationship before. And, our Christmas was so full of healthy, fun happiness. . . I just wished they could have been a part of it.

BuddyLuv and I made Kahuna a fleece tie blanket. It was SUPER BIG! Kahuna really wanted one. But, turned out that Pumpkin made one too. As soon as I heard that, I was concerned that she would be upset that he got two of those. . . Turned out that she was a bit saddened by the fact that she was not the only one to give him one of these blankets. But, that quickly changed when they both asked where it came from. Followed by Kahuna's response, "A friend", followed by, "A speciallllllll fffrrriiieeennnddd??????", followed by, "yes, a special fffrrriiieeennnddd", followed by "oooooooohhhhhhhhh". Again, I take the oohs as a good sign that they are getting used to the idea that someone is there.

For Christmas, Santa brought BuddyLuv 3 snowboarding lessons. Kahuna said that maybe we could schedule BuddyLuv's lessons at the same time as Pumpkin's lessons, starting this Saturday (today). To make sure we are on the same page, I asked him about that later. This would mean that BuddyLuv and I would meet Dude and Pumpkin. Was he sure he was ready for that? We talked about it. Are there legal concerns? Can the ex use it against him in court if he were to introduce me to them before the divorce is final (even if it has been over a year)? Does she need to approve my meeting them before the divorce is finalized? Are the kids ready? There are so may questions and things to take onto consideration.

Now comes the hard part.
Why does it matter to me?
Is it simply because I am selfish and know that I may not have to give up seeing Kahuna every other weekend once we meet?
Or, is it because I know in my heart that I will someday be a part of their lives, and do not want to miss out on anything while waiting to meet them?
Why do I want so badly to meet them?
Why do I bring it up, or jump at the chance to meet them?
Why do I not let things be and happen when they happen?
I trust Kahuna with all of my heart!
So, why cannot I trust that he will introduce me to his children when he is ready?
Is there something I am not facing here?
Am I not asking the right questions to find peace with this?

Whatever the reason, I wrote this to think. I have not found any answers. So, it is not my time to understand. I give this to my God, my Higher Power, to worry about. I trust my Kahuna. I trust my God. Patience is not one of my greatest virtues. But, I will try to work on that.

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