Today was difficult. I think it was the fact that I was not prepared for such a difficult day that made it almost overwhelming.
I woke to what I thought was going to be a beautiful. You can tell from the last post. Then, BAM! Within an hour of waking, I was struggling with my son's attitude about school, homework and respecting his elders in general.
Next, we go to church, another fight just to get there. . .
Then a fight to sit up right and sing. . .
Then thoughts of dread of what was later to come that afternoon: a baby shower. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for my friend who is having the baby. She is very excited. I am so happy for her. But, it reminds me that we have chosen to accept that we will never have a baby. that was a dream, for all the years that I was single: have a baby, with someone who wants to have a baby with me, and do things "the right way". Share in all the joy surrounding a pregnancy and baby. Be there and participate in the child's every stage. . . not work 2+ jobs and miss the important milestones.
Then concern that it would be better if I were not there, as I am not good at being fake, which I would have to be in order to not have a negative effect on the party. Then wonder if it were to be better for all if I were not there.
Then it is all saints day, so we are remembering those who have gone before us. . .
Then thoughts turned to all of our discussions about weddings and marriage. And, I got angry. I got so angry, I had to leave church.
Funny, it hadn't been that long since I last talked to Kahuna. But, he knew. Somehow, he knew.
It wasn't long before he was at my door and we were in the bedroom. . . talking, crying, facing fears and being raw. It was the first time I was really mad at him. I was mad that he could not see just how important marriage and a ceremony meant to me. We had talked about it before, a couple of times. I sometimes struggle with NOT having made that commitment before God and family before living together. But, I had never been mad. I had never been angry. Dealing with everything else today brought out the anger. I was mad. I was mad that, from what I saw, PB had been such a demanding fucking bitch when they got married, he was scarred, not interested in the joy that can be a ceremony day. I was mad at myself for caring about the blessing and ceremony so much. Mad at myself for not accepting Kahuna's loving commitment under his terms. Mad that I felt like I was pushing, when I did not want to. Mad that I was not being patient and letting us both get to the same point naturally. And, I was afraid. I was afraid that there never would be a meet in the middle place for us. Afraid that Kahuna would decide that I am too demanding, too pushy, too something. Too wrong for him.
And, we cried.
And I told him.
And we cried.
And then we talked.
And then, as fast and overwhelming as it was, the healing began.
Kahuna helped me to see how, when something matter to me this much, it is my responsibility to sit him and and tell him EXACTLY how and feel and why I feel how I feel. Otherwise, we cannot find peace.
Kahuna also challenged me to think about and put into words what aspects of marriage/ceremony are important to me and why. It is important for us to both honestly look at this if we are going to meet in the happy middle that we both can find peace in.
We need to trust, have faith and act with honesty to have peace and transparent love.