Friday, July 13, 2007

A thank you and an apology. . .

Hello, all!

Please let me say thank you first to everyone who visits our blog and comments. It is always so exciting to see that people actually look at what we put on here and take a moment of their lives to leave their footprints here! You have no idea how much your comments mean to us.

To be totally honest, there is something I have wanted to admit on here. Kahuna and I have already talked about this. But, I want to share it with you all. I have not been super excited by the idea of having HNT pictures taken of me and posted right now. If you look back into past pictures, there are some of me in black lingerie. Those were taken last summer. I was so proud of myself. For the first time in my life, I was physically fit after dropping about 20lbs. I was toned, trim and felt sexier than I ever had in my entire life. I also loved myself and liked myself.

In the fall (without getting into too much boring TMI) I was put on a medication that, within less then 2 months, caused a 30LBS weight gain. As I mentioned before, I have dealt with depression off and on over the years. This did not help. The funny thing is, this was when Kahuna and I first got together. He was so attracted to me, even at my heaviest, that he wanted to get to know me! He knew me at my smallest, but had not noticed those 30LBS that had been added on! To him, I was still the most beautiful, stunning woman he had ever seen!

We talked about the pros and cons and discontinuing the medication. It did not take long for me to know the right thing for me. So, I went off of it. They say it will take a full year for it to be totally out of my system. That means I should not expect to loose the full 30LBS that I gained for at least that long. I am now down 12. Only 18 more to go! But, it will be a long road and I want to do it right.

Which brings us to the apology part as I feel almost like I have misled you all. I feel as if I have falsely represented myself because I do not look like that woman in those initial pictures right now. (kind of like people who put another person's picture on their personal ad. . .)

My first thought when Kahuna showed me the pics he had taken was, gross. Look at the cellulite on my thighs. I look worse than I thought. But then I remembered to be gentle with myself, that as a female (at least as this female), it is almost instinctual to see my flaws first and sometimes only see them.

When Kahuna said he had actually posted one of the pictures as the HNT as he had hoped he could do, I was more than a little apprehensive. When he said I had a few comments already, my first words were, "yeah, gross cellulite!" He said no and that I would have to take a look myself. So, I did.

Now, for the thank you as meant in the title.

Kahuna, thank you. Thank you for not seeing those 30LBS. Thank you for being patient with me and allowing me to slowly see myself through your eyes, with or without those 30LBS. You have been a blessing and always make me feel like the most elegant and beautiful lady.

Visitors of our blog, thank you. Because you are anonymous, you could easily be malicious. But, you are not. Instead, you are kind, gentle and open.

I know I have more room to grow personally. I should not need these reminders or anyone else's approval to know who I am and what I am. I know that in my head. I am working on that in my heart.

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'!
I choose to live and grow!


Big Kahuna said...

The pleasure is all mine :-)

I adore you

Shibari said...

I loved this post... and for your sharing in such honesty. You two have an awesome love... ;) *hugs*

Gillette said...

I love your honesty on here!!! Quite lovely...but then you are in all ways, my dear.

And...I've said it before on here, but I wish we all loved our bodies as much as our men do.

He just loves you.