Friday, March 28, 2008

We must love ourself before we can love others

It has been a long time since I have blogged /journaled just to clear my mind. It has been a rough week for me emotionally and spiritually.

There was an old behavior pattern of running away that came up early in the week. I was uncomfortable with the behavior of Babushka's BuddyLuv, and my impulse was to simply leave to avoid confrontation or unpleasant conversation. The look of abandonment in Babushka's eyes got me out of this state and made me realize what I was doing. That alone was enough to bring me back to where I want to be - transparent to her. We were able to have a very long and meaningful discussion. We did not have to spend a night angry at one another. I am so grateful for that.

The next day another old behavior pattern reappeared Tuesday night- masturbation to dull and numb the emotional pain I was feeling. It was yet another difficult work day followed by another difficult divorce day. At 10:00pm, after logging out from working at home I masturbated when I had told myself earlier in the day I did not want to. That is an addictive response from my past. I was able to discuss this with Babushka and then my sponsor and strengthen my boundaries during this vulnerable time.

I now know that these activities were part of my Higher Power's plan, as yesterday my floor fell out. After 19 months of paying 75% of my income for the ex to live (mortgages, utilities, auto) while renting a basement room, I filed a motion for relief, as she was making no progress in finding a job and her attorney would not answer any requests of our to meet and discuss a settlement. I could not afford to continue this, as I am going in debt and would like to eventually live somewhere that my kids can actually feel like a permanent place.

I received her response to my motion, which was a scathing 26-page response recapping every mistake I have made in the last 15 years. I own my mistakes but am always amazed that some people can absolve themselves of any responsibility in anything. it is easier for some to always be the victim. Reading that old history over and over again brought waves of past shame and embarrassment flooding back.

Secondly, she stated that I am an uninvolved parent, not wanting to spend time with them or making them a priority. That in its absolute absurdity was just that much more painful, as I can imagine a judge is going to believe the "victim" over the "perpetrator", per se. I have lived in a basement room for 19 months, with my kids sleeping on camping mattresses next to me when they stay with me. That is why they don't have their friends over, not because I am so uninvolved that I won't take the initiative. I fucking hate how people can manipulate circumstances to fit what they want to promote.

She has asked the court for 50% of my gross income as net to her (so that is almost 80%) in alimony plus an additional 15% for child support. Instead of 'relief', I am now facing a possibility that virtually every dime I make will be garnished directly to her, a house and car awarded to her for the next 8 years even though I am the sole responsible party for all the debts associated with these. All this because she is angry that I left her. 26 pages of why I am a complete and total asshole, derelict, incomprehensible jerk and deserve nothing - and yet the brunt of her spite is because I left, telling her I would never be able to attain sobriety if I stayed with her. Don't get me wrong, she is not made I left because she wanted me, she just wanted to keep her house, her car, her lifestyle of not having to work a 'real' job like the rest of us.

By damned she will kick and scream to keep it, oblivious to the long term implications to the father of her kids. Funny how when people proclaim at to everyone that will listen that it is not about them, this is for the (insert kids, family, less fortunate or American People here). It is always selfishly and singularly about them.

It has been a truly painful 48 hours, but it has been sober from alcohol, masturbation and all things addictive. I can face the pain and I have friends who care for me and a Babushka who truly loves me, not my checkbook. I talked to my sponsor about this, as I shared the motion with Babushka. I feel so embarrassed about what I make at work, when I see how hard she works at two jobs. Yet I have nothing to show for it - it goes to the unending appetite of a person for whom it was never enough and it never will be enough. When one is 'entitled' due to the 'injustice' they have had to endure, it never is enough.
  • What do I have left to take?
  • What do I have to offer anyone?
That is much of my pain. I must feel it, live it, cry it and dry it. The emotional pain must be explored and felt and ultimately acknowledged in my physical self, so that I can expunge it. For someone who has spent a life internalizing this and hiding this it is a long road ahead. But it is road traveled one day at a time
  • What do I have?
What I wanted all my life. What I wished for every day I medicated. What I dreamed of every night I felt alone in a house filled with others. This is what I do have.

Everything that matters to me is what I have. Children who know I love them. True, intimate friendships with others who know me like I never thought anyone would. Shared love with the woman of my dreams, just like you see in the movies. Sobriety that can endure any challenge, obstacle or opportunity that life wishes to present.

I have my life.................... finally.

I am blessed indeed


Dana said...

Wow, that was an amazing post. So honest - so filled with emotion - and much of it hit very close to home for me. I hope you (and the courts) are able to find some FAIR resolution in all of this soon! Hang in there!

Big Kahuna said...

Thank you for your kind words Dana.

I just got back from my AA meeting this morning. I had a long discussion with a man whose son fell 50 feet onto his face 3 weeks ago. We juts spent significant time sharing our pain with one another.

I am blessed.

Biscuit said...

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It makes me wish I could do something to help. I don't understand the venom that would cause a parent to do something to the other that will hurt the children. When they are older, they will realize what she did to you.

Big Kahuna said...

Thanks Biscuit

I have a very good relationship with my son, and he understands. We spoke about it a bit this weekend. My daughter is still a bit young to really discuss with but she knows i love and care for her.

Your kind words are all I could ask for or would want. That and reading your blog. The fact that the current Mr. Biscuit was your only relationship after your first marriage (like Babushka for me), that we are similar of age and of your 100 things....99 and 100 are spot on!!!

Gillette said...

Kahuna- My heart is with you. Damn it's so hard to see past this time. I want to spit on your wife, yes I do. Don't you have recourse? Don't you get to tell your side of the story? There can be justice...really there can.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers (my version, anyway). Hugs.

She's blessed to have you, too, ya know.

Babushka said...

Dana, Biscuit, Gillette~

Thank you! I know this is not an "exciting" or "sex filled" blog. This is us, dealing with life and all of it's twists. Thank you for taking the time to read and support us. Thank you for your kind words. This is one of the toughest times of our lives. But, it is also one of the most beautiful times of our lives!

I adore you, my Kahuna!