Monday, March 31, 2008

I want to cry

I wanted to cry.

It is 8:30. BuddyLuv's bedtime is 9:00. We have been working on homework since 6:30. It took almost an hour to get home in the blizzard. He still has so much to do, he will not be in bed on time. Friday I got an email from school. He was missing an important assignment. Ok, I can handle this. But then, I just got frustrated as I was thinking about the fact that I, ON A DAILY BASIS, check each teacher's assignment pages to make sure I know what he is supposed to do for the day. Then I thought about the fact that I, ON A DAILY BASIS, check the online access that shows current grades (and missing assignments). Then, I thought about the fact that I, ON A DAILY BASIS, check his planner to see if there are any highlighted items which indicate missing items. Then I thought about how many times I have contacted Brady's teachers to try and stay on top of things.

I wanted to cry.

The assignment pages are only updated for 2 of his 8 teacher's (One has not been updated since the first week of March). The planner has had one item highlighted this quarter. He has had 8 missing/late assignments. The online grades are updated in the teacher's free time.

I wanted to cry.

Finances are tight. I have been working so hard. I have had 2 days off in the last three months. I can handle that. Last week, I was so happy to see my checkbook end the way it did at the end of the month. I knew I was making progress. Today, out of the blue, I get a call asking for a rental reference. My renter is leaving. Not that that is a problem, he is rude and dis-respectful. I guess I should not expect anything more from him. I just think we deserve better. We "gave" so much to negotiate and allow him to move in. Holding the place for him without making him pay rent. . . Giving him an extra's month decreased rent due to the extra snow shoveling this winter. . . Not having a problem when his friends move in when it is a one bedroom. . . Allowing him to move stuff in early for him to leave where he was on time. . . Not saying anyting about how loud he is. . . When he tells us we are noisier than he expected (and not in a nice way) offering him a reduced notice if he wanted to move out with less than 30 days notice. . . And he cannot even give us a heads up that he is looking for a new place? Now what do I do? Search for ANOTHER renter? The first I had to evict after 6 months, the second moves back with her ex after a few months, the next is lonely and moves out after 2 months, he moves out after 2 months. 4 renters in 2 years? I cannot afford the stress of getting another renter in there. I cannot afford the finances of not. . .

I wanted to cry.

Kahuna had a good meeting with his attorney. He sounded confident and accepting when I talked to him. He is being so strong against so much!

I wanted to cry.

Kahuna started to face his anxiety over discussing his salary with me. I am so proud of him!

I wanted to cry.

On top of all of this, (in the last week or so) a relative died, I offered to help my gram as no one else would commit to staying with her through the wake/funeral and was told my assistance was not required, she has children who will take care of her. We were totally ignored by family at the wake. Kahuna got that motion from the Spoiled Princess. It was Kahuna's weekend to have the kids which meant a tough weekend apart. There was an attempted abduction short distance away from where BuddyLuv gets off the bus and walks by himself to my grandparents' home after school. Work stinks because I have now found myself in a good ol' boys club where I am the only one to actually perform our job function because my team mate and the new Senior (who have a past work relationship) are too busy talking about ways to make things better and what is wrong with our company now. I got sick and could not get my allergy shots last week, plus had to stay home with no voice.

I wanted to cry.

It is our weekend to be together. And, I have been so stressed out, frustrated and had a weak immune system thanks to my cold last week, I have now started an outbreak of herpes. It only happens when stress is REALLY high or I get sick. Nice. Attractive. I know.

I wanted to cry.

So, the reason that I get to write this is because Kahuna surprised us and showed up because he had a feeling we needed him today. He is out working with BuddyLuv on his homework. And, I can hear the stress in BuddyLuv's voice just disappearing. And, Kahuna's patience. . . Amazing. I am so blessed. Those sounds are sounds of joy to my ears.

I wanted to cry.

Kahuna spoke to his mother yesterday. She has never met me. But, she has seen pictures and heard the passion is his voice when he talks about me. She sends her love to me. She cannot wait to see me.

I wanted to cry.

I am so blessed. At the end of the day, even if I don't have rainy day savings, I do not have debtors at my doorstep. Even if I am barely making the house payments, I am making the house payments. Even if I have an outbreak, Kahuna loves/adores me and wants to hold me close. I am not ugly to him. Even if we struggle with homework, we can read and write and have all of our senses working wonderfully. Even if we have stress, we have everything we have ever dreamed of that truly matters.

Tears are of joy.

I am so blessed. And, to all of you who send well wishes, thoughts and prayers to Kahuna in this time of trial, thank you. You are not just strangers, you are friends, for whom we are thankful.

Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'?
I love this crazy, tragic,Sometimes almost magic, Awful, beautful life!


Dana said...

I have been so impressed with the openess both you and Kahuna show in this blog, and quite touched by the paralel lives we have. Your attitude in the face of challenge is amazing. Thoughts are with you and Kahuna as you navigate these challenges.

Big Kahuna said...

Thank you for the the warm thoughts Dana!

Babushka - I so admire the person you are and the strength you have given everything you face on a daily basis. You are an inspiration to me and the answer to my years of loneliness.

I adore you :-)

Gillette said...

Hey, Babushka!

Listening to many people, I'm thinking last week was one of those weeks where the fourth moon off Jupiter was going retrograde and square to Life. Geez!

I send you both many hugs and am so happy that you have each other. As I told Kahuna, you are both Blessed!