Perhaps I have become spoiled but the realities of life's complexities seem to be present in my mind tonight. The unfettered sexual joy blogged about the last few weeks feel like a world away.
My Babushka had a challenging weekend preparing for her renter. So much responsibility falls on her shoulders. I am always in awe of the internal strength she has as a single mother and primary breadwinner. Some of that pressure got to her and I seemed unable to be of much true value - a little manual labor, a shoulder to lean on and a few sympathetic words.
This inability to be there as much as I would like this seems like a mere precursor. Between Dude's baseball and Punkin's softball, the next couple months will be kid-intensive. "Hump-Day" will be practice and games rather than fun and games with Babushka. The loss of nekkid time with Babushka really butters my buns. I have become accustomed to our unfettered time together.
The loss of this 'selfish' time makes me look at the larger, longer picture. I try not to do that too often - it is a foundational tenet of Recovery that we only have today. With that said, it feels some days like there will always be these separate lives. My desire to be honorable in leaving my past life will ultimately deny me the joy found in my new life.
I struggle with that when it comes to Babushka. She has persevered so much and is due so much more than I can give right now - she deserves every day not just Hump Day.
Sometimes life gets' busy living before you are ready
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3 comments:
Kahuna~
My Mr. Kahuna! Be patient, gentle and kind to yourself. I know that is easier said than done. But, it will make the difference. Things will not always be like that. 40 years from now, this first year of necessary separation will be 1/40th of the time we spent together. But, that is the future. Today there are reasons why things are the way they are. Have faith in us and have faith in our dreams.
You have provided more of true value to me than you allow yourself to take credit. The true value is, at the end of the day, you are the one that makes my heart smile.
Listen to you Wise Woman Lover, my friend.
She knows you will happy you were Dad when your kids needed you. Life happens. When you meet again, it will all the sweeter.
Hugs.
Babushka - I do adore you so much. I know you have gotten along without me for a long time. I simply worry about you.
You are my tulip - or is that my two lips :-)
Gillette - You are such a wise woman. I look forward to seeing you in your world as well as visiting ours.
I am blessed indeed!!
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