The second event

The second event that made things hard this weekend was friendships, or lack there of. If you have read the past postings, I have not always made smart decisions. I did not consider myself to be a good person. So, I did not make friends with good people.

Fast forward a few years.

Now, I am surrounding myself with good people. But, I don't have those good lasting friendships like my new friends. When I was out with Senorita, I noticed it. They had such a long history together. They knew all of each other's families. They did a great job trying to invite me into the conversations. However, I was noticeably (to me) an outsider.

When I am at church, all of the wives have known each other forever. They are involved both inside and outside the church. And then there is me.

I guess I myself have always labeled myself the outsider. I have labeled myself the I get along with everyone, but have a close relationship with no one person. This is my doing.

If I had the power to do all of this, imagine the power I truly have to make those relationships I long for.

Babuska's Crap Part 1 (There will be 3 when I get a chance)

Kahuna was finally feeling better about things. So, it is my turn.

Friday I spent the evening having dinner with a good friend from work. We will call her Senorita. Senorita, a friend of hers and the friend's husband met me at this great little place. Senorita was wonderful. . . except that she and the friend had been friends for ages and had lots to talk about. I was the outsider, no matter how hard she tried to include me.

That night, I went to Kahuna's. Dude was there. We grabbed some fast food and a movie. Everything seemed to be going ok. Dude even talked to me a bit. It was late, so I stayed down there in Pumpkin's room.

I later learned that there was a "discussion" about this after I left in the morning. Dude (15 next month) was not ok with me staying down there overnight. Or, at least, thought Kahuna should have "checked with him first". I am torn on how I feel about this. On one hand, I want Dude and Pumpkin to be comfortable around me and want their approval. But, on the other hand, he is the child, Kahuna is the adult. I do not believe we did anything disrespectful or wrong.

Kahuna and I talked about it. Kahuna feels that, at least for now, this is how things need to be. He needs to check with them and make sure they are ok/comfortable with what he is doing. Like I said before, part of me agrees. But, part of me fears we are setting a precedence that they control our choices and actions.

Maybe I am just too fearful. After all, I have not truly slept more than a few minutes at a time in over 24 hours now.

Crap, Crap, Crap.........

.........that is how I feel about this week. I was in somewhat of a 'funk' earlier in the week. Not sure of the cause, but it was noticeable to both Babushka and the Dude throughout the week.

The $1.8BB acquisition scheduled to occur on July 1st blew up shortly after I left work yesterday. I spent the afternoon/early evening trying to contain the damage.

Spent last evening with Babushka, although I was not what one would describe as 'joyful'. Mentally half there, half not there - watching an NBA draft I care nothing about but allowed for distraction. Then early this morning in a sleepy state I made a 'joke' to Babushka that was instead hurtful to her.

What is the source regarding this summer of discontent:
* Maybe it is just a temporary medication imbalance;

* Perhaps it is the glow of vacation having been replaced by the din of daily life;

* It could be the seeming continual driving in order to 'get somewhere' (pick-up kids, drop-off kids, baseball, work, Babushka's house)

* How about the monthly reminders of bills that take up 80% of each paycheck for a house I do not live in and a car I do not drive.


Babushka asked my last night if I was feeling addictive - I said "no". But as I look at the above I realize a more accurate response would have been "I have not acted additively".

I may not have drank or hid out with porn, but I do not feel like I am strong in my recovery. I am sure one meeting in the last 4-5 weeks has not helped my outlook either. My heart is not filled at this moment with gratitude - I do not feel happy, joyous or free.

I am tired, tired, tired......
-Tired of work
-Tired of baseball
-Tired of teenagers
-Tired of living on a basement
-Tired of driving a 10 year old car
-Tired of supporting others' lifestyles
-Tired of making mistakes
-Tired of being responsible
-Tired of feeling inadequate

I am just plain tired today. But recognizing this is a good step - it beats drinking, drugging or running. Writing about it brings light to it. Light leads to growth, a foundation of recovery.

I may be tired, but I am not yet tired of striving to be a better person. I am not tired of my quest for growth, just the current plateau.

To quote George Harrison (one of my four favorite Beatles) - "All Things Must Pass"

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'

San Antonio Suprise HNT

So Babushka and I are in "our room" at my folks new place in Texas and she asks me where the camera is. I tell her and she asks me to bring it in, as she has some 'pictures to take'for HNT.

I excitedly bring her the camera and leave, looking forward excitedly to my first opportunity to review these adventurous pics

So without further ado..............................













Not that I do not love those ankles, but it felt a little like kissing my cousin :-)

Happy HNT everyone!!!!

TMI #140 (Ours!)

1. Do you believe anyone truly likes their job? If so, why?
BABUSHKA - I do believe there are those out there who truly enjoy their job. I know I am not one of them. At least, not on an average day. . . There is too much in fighting and arguing.
KAHUNA – In my opinion, everyone makes the choice to enjoy or not enjoy their job. I choose to focus on things I can control (my attitude) rather than things I cannot (co-workers).

2. Do you 1) live to work or 2) work to live 3) not see a difference?
BABUSHKA - I try to work to live. But, still have some live to work syndrom. Things are slowly getting better. I look back at where I have been and what I have accomplished. I know things really are getting better. I just forget sometimes.
KAHUNA – Work to live a comfortable and enjoyable life …..unfortunately I work to support someone else’s enjoyable life right now but look forward to the day when I work toward only Babushka and my life.

3. How many hours do you work a week?
BABUSHKA - I stay at my 40hrs/week when I am not working the second job. Then, I am at about 15-20 extra hours.
KAHUNA – Between working at the office, at home and on my Blackberry…60 or more a week.

4. What was your safety item (i.e. blankie) from when you were little?
BABUSHKA - I only have one. My mother gave me a big stuffed dog when I was in 7th grade and almost raped at school. I moved away to my grams house. This was the dog I hugged at night when I missed home.
KAHUNA – I do not recall one, although I did have an invisible friend

5. Have you ever used food during sex?
BABUSHKA - Not yet. But, I am hoping to someday!
KAHUNA – Only if Ice counts


Bonus (as in optional):What is your guilty food pleasure?
BABUSHKA - Chocolate ice cream with peanut butter cups and peanut butter.
KAHUNA – Ice Cream (½ Vanilla and ½ Chocolate)

Double Bonus from our inquisitors (still optional): "We are looking for suggestions. . . If someone asked for your suggestions for a butt worshiping evening (an evening devoted to butt attention), what would you suggest?"
BABUSHKA - I am looking forward to hearing everyone's answers!
KAHUNA – Since we asked I will await the wisdom of others

Night number one

Hi!

So, life is so wonderful and beautiful, if it weren't for that one little thing. . . sleep. Friday night I was bound and determined that I was going to fall to sleep on my own. I was up until 2am. I know I drifted a bit. But, I never really went to sleep. Finally, I went and took 2 (regular dose) of the allergy pills that make you drowsey.

Saturday night I was exhausted. I gave in early and took two.

Sunday night Kahuna was here. While I was on the phone, Kahuna gave my wet pussy a massage. I hung up and came. I was literally sitting on the edge of the bed by the time I was squirling away from Kahuna who wanted to keep going. As I described a kiss and what can become of it, we made beautiful, intimate love. I went down and brought Kahuna to orgasm. I know I drifted again, but did not go to sleep. About 1am, Kahuna and I talked about it. I DID NOT take the allergy pills. It took a while longer. But, I did fall to sleep.

Tonight Kahuna has the chance to be here again. So, I will try for night number two!

Vacation

Hello!

I am exhausted! And, I really don't want to write too much tonight so people miss our HNT.

Vacation was amazing. From start to finish, it was better than I could have ever dreamed! Kahuna, PapaTed and TuTu were so good to me! Even getting sick from the extreme weather differences did not put a dent in the greatness that was our vacation!

I will write more later. But, we did not get in and in bed till the AM on Wednesday, I gave blood on Wednesday and then only slept for 4 hours Wednesday night. . . What can I say. . . I was spoiled by being able to fall to sleep next to Kahuna for so many nights in a row.

Happy HNT!

Texas HNT

Babushka and I just returned from a wonderful trip to the Alamo!!

Although I suspect my lovely Babushka will have more to say on the topic, I have included a little photo I "snuck" during an otherwise proper photo shoot with the folks.

Happy HNT all!!

TMI - Pre-Vacation

1. If you're in love with your partner, does it make the sex better?

KAHUNA – Absolutely, positively YES!!!! When you have those deep feelings of affection and trust you can run the gambit of lovemaking to hard-ass fucking that leaved you both sore the next day……..My quads were killing me today…Thanks Babushka!

BABUSHKA - I don't think I could have said this any better!




2. What is the most expensive sex toy you've ever purchased?

KAHUNA – I bought Babushka and I an anal plug, a couple of thin vibrators and a double silver bullet – total under $80.00 probably. Saw some awesome toys at the Smitten Kitten that I hope we can afford someday.
BABUSHKA - I bought a Blue Dolphin. It is a dildo with a vibrator coming out from it in the shape of a dolphin. I know, kind of wierd.





3. If you knew ahead of time you would not have an orgasm, would you still have sex?

KAHUNA – Absolutely have done so and would do so again – to me this again pertains to #1. Especially when we have oral sex, we will often just please the other. I get the most pleasure from hearing and feeling my Babushka cum hard while I am going down on her.
BABUSHKA - YES! On Sunday, after I came the first time, I was sure I would not be able to again. But, we were almost sleeping when I realized it would be days before I saw Kahuna again. So, we were almost sleeping when I asked Kahuna to (forgot which words I used. . . go down on me?) again. It just feels so good! You can tell he enjoys it. It is not just an automated process with him.





4. What celebrity would you most like to have sex with if given the chance?

KAHUNA – May sound lame but I am not a big celebrity fantasy type. I am partial to brunettes so I would say Jewel De’ Nyle or Jennifer Love Hewitt.
BABUSHKA - The only one I could come up with is Angelina Jolie, because she just looks like she would be free and passionate.





5. Have you ever had sex while an audience watched?

KAHUNA – Nope but I have fantasized about having sex with Babushka in front of an audience.
BABUSHKA - Ya know, I was just thinking about this the other day. I have never been with anyone in front. . . wait, I guess a threesome is technically in front of an audience. So, I guess the answer would be technically yes. But, I personally do not count that (and hate even remembering it because it was with Terrible Ex). I would like to watch. I would like to be watched. Even if it is jsut in my head.





Bonus (as in optional): Describe the best sexual encounter you've ever had.

KAHUNA – I always say my next time with Babushka, but last night with her was hot! We had not been together in almost a week and were very much ready for each other. She was watching You Porn in the game room and playing with my cock. I left briefly, came back nekkid. I stood her up and bent her over so that I could grab her hips and fuck her while she watched the computer. The sliding glass door was not covered and the neighbors could easily see us, which made it even better. After about 15 minutes we went into the bedroom and spent the next hour just continuing to fuck until I came. I then went down on her and she had two more orgasms.

BABUSHKA - Every time with Kahuna is the best! The one that means the most was when we were waiting for my HIV test results, Kahuna knew this, and we were still intimate.

TMI - Pre-Vacation

1. If you're in love with your partner, does it make the sex better?KAHUNA – Absolutely, positively YES!!!! When you have those deep feelings of affection and trust you can run the gambit of lovemaking to hard-ass fucking that leaved you both sore the next day……..My quads were killing me today…Thanks Babushka!

2. What is the most expensive sex toy you've ever purchased?
KAHUNA – I bought Babushka and I an anal plug, a couple of thin vibrators and a double silver bullet – total under $80.00 probably. Saw some awesome toys at the Smitten Kitten that I hope we can afford someday.

3. If you knew ahead of time you would not have an orgasm, would you still have sex?
KAHUNA – Absolutely have done so and would do so again – to me this again pertains to #1. Especially when we have oral sex, we will often just please the other. I get the most pleasure from hearing and feeling my Babushka cum hard while I am going down on her.

4. What celebrity would you most like to have sex with if given the chance?
KAHUNA – May sound lame but I am not a big celebrity fantasy type. I am partial to brunettes so I would say Jewel De’ Nyle or Jennifer Love Hewitt.

5. Have you ever had sex while an audience watched?
KAHUNA – Nope but I have fantasized about having sex with Babushka in front of an audience.

Bonus (as in optional): Describe the best sexual encounter you've ever had.
KAHUNA – I always say my next time with Babushka, but last night with her was hot! We had not been together in almost a week and were very much ready for each other. She was watching You Porn in the game room and playing with my cock. I left briefly, came back nekkid. I stood her up and bent her over so that I could grab her hips and fuck her while she watched the computer. The sliding glass door was not covered and the neighbors could easily see us, which made it even better. After about 15 minutes we went into the bedroom and spent the next hour just continuing to fuck until I came. I then went down on her and she had two more orgasms.

Day 1

Well, today was Day number one of my son's vacation. I have not cried, but I have not been in bed yet. . . I have not taken my sleeping or allergy pills (known for making you drowsy). Kahuna is on his way to his place with Dude. They won their ball game.

Work stunk today, but only because I care. People are just dumb. . . It has become a pick fest. . . Oh, someone from your group brought something to our attention. . . So we are going to watch your group for something to correct you on. . . And we are going to bring it to your attention when we find something. . .

WHATEVER!

Lets talk about something good! VACATION!

72 hours from now, Kahuna and I will be on our first vacation together. We will have taken our first flight together, gotten through our first layover together and met his parents! OMG! I have no idea what to pack! I have no idea what to wear! I know, they already love me because they have never seen Kahuna so happy. . . But, I still want my best foot to be forward!

Kahuna, I cannot wait. I cannot wait to be able to spend so much time with you! No responsibilities. No baseball. No homework. You and me. . . (and your mom and dad) I know you have to work a bit while we are there. It is OK. It comes with the territory. I adore you!

Well, I will let you all know if I make it without taking anything tonight. . .

~Babushka

God, grant me the serenity.................

..........................to accept things that I cannot change

• The sadness in Babushka's heart as BuddyLuv heads up to the wilderness for the summer
• The frustration in Babushka's head when co-workers are not as professional as she is
• The poor-sportsmanship that Dude displays when he strikes out to end a game
• The inability of an ex-spouse to accept and forgive

..........................the courage to change the things I can

• Listen to Babushka and support her feelings, rather than view them as problems for me to solve.
• Instill a sense of accountability for actions in Dude, rather that loudly vent disappointment in an angry manner that does not halt but in reality reinforces the poor behavior exhibited
• Pray for those who are still from the pain caused by myself or others in the past, rather that use the pain they have caused me as justification for my own anger and resentment
  

..........................and the wisdom to know the difference

• Understand that God gave me 2 ears and 1 mouth intentionally – therefore use these tools in the same proportions that they are given to me
• Acknowledge that I do not own nor am I responsible for the decisions of someone else, no matter how much I love the person or dislike their behavior
• Recognize that I still have work to do around this whole ‘wisdom’ thing - Recognizing the appropriate reaction does not mean I am yet capable of always making that appropriate reaction.

This is indeed the challenge for all of us, isn’t it? Wisdom in hindsight is easy – we all have it:

- I wish I would not have….

- What was I thinking when….

- I am sorry that I…..

GET BUSY LIVIN’ OR GET BUSY DYIN’

He is Off

Well, He is off. I have cried once, driving home. But, I am not crying now. Tons of distractions. . .

Today is lunch with old friends.

This afternoon is Kahuna and I spending our first unrushed time together (depending on Dude's baseball. . . They could play one game. They could play 3 games).

Monday night may be rough.

Tuesday night may be rough.

Wednesday I head to Kahuna's to get ready to leave.

Thursday we are off!

New Day

Well, its a new day. Can't say things are looking up. But, it's a new day. . . And, it is still early.

Today BuddyLuv has the neighbor girl coming over to play. My mom is coming over to color my hair for me before we go on vacation. I am going to start packing. I will like doing that. Plus, we are going to work on the laundry. I told BuddyLuv that I will not be stuck putting away his laundry after he leaves tomorrow.

Looks like storms are coming through again.

What a week. With everything going on, I had to take BuddyLuv to the dentist yesterday and listen to him explain to the dentist that it is my fault he does not brush enough or floss (said we do not have any floss at home).

Got to work and all heck had broken lose because the Law Enforcement Center had totally lost power over the night, causing repercussions all over the county. Had not even started my computer when I had people at my desk needing help.

Had to give a presentation to argumentative people on a process being implemented that they do not agree with.

Then someone mentions about another tornado that hit the same small town my parent's live in. Dad is all alone. I worry about him. He battles depression. . . He cannot remember numbers, so has them all written down on a notecard at home and in his truck. Could not reach him.

Got a call from the insurance company asking why I have not sent back the papers. . . the papers that they had told me the day before had been returned to them due to their addressing it wrong. At the same time I was on the phone with her, got another call from a different sup who left me a message asking if I had questions on the papers they had not received back, yet.

Received the papers via email, noticed another error. Had to call them to get that fixed. I must be reaching some measurement threshold because now they kept me on the line, got it resolved, and sent me new papers by email. They are still waiting on a letter from the bank, they thought they would get it Monday. They process it same day, so this may still be over before I leave.

Ended the day with BuddyLuv buying me a Dairy Queen because he felt guilty for acting up in a store shortly beforehand.

BUT. . .

Dad is ok. He was at work, and the tornado missed them.

Instead of concentrating on BuddyLuv leaving tomorrow, I will make a conscious effort to concentrate on his being here today.

I did get to see Kahuna last night for dinner. And, with all the drama/stress I bring, he still thinks it is worth it to stick around.

Laundry is almost done. There is not THAT much left to get caught up on.

Tomorrow I get to see two old friends I don't often see. It means I have to drive on the freeway. . . But, I will be ok.

Only a few more days and we will be away from it all!

Things are going to be ok if I want them to be.

HATE

Hate is a word we do not use in our home. I don't remember where I came by this philosophy. But, I have taught BuddyLuv that, if we have love in our hearts, and have Jesus in our hearts, we do not have room for hate in our hearts. I feel so strongly about this, Kahuna has started sharing this philosophy with his kids. We don't hate. We strongly dislike.

I hate. I will be honest. I hate this week. I hate being sick. I hate insurance.

BuddyLuv graduated from the 6th grade. We barely made it. It has been a hard year. He always got c's or better. BUT, that is with no effort put forth. That is with us CONSTANTLY monitoring his homework, redoing things over again and working with the teachers. He has the knowledge. He has the skills. He has the smarts. He is missing one thing. He doesn't care, so he doesn't try. We could punish. We could cry. We could talk till we are blue in the face. We could not get him to care. So, I should be glad the year is over. I am not. I hate that the year is over because that means the time of the year that I hate the most is here. Lonliness.

Sunday, BuddyLuv leaves. And, I am here. Alone. I hate when he has to leave. I hate being alone.He goes up to spend most of the summer with my parents. Yes, I know, it is good for him. First, he is spending time with his grandparents that will forever be precious. He is experiencing country life like he never would here in the big city. He is doing things and making memories. While he is doing that, I am here. Alone. And, miserable.

I know Kahuna is here. And, Kahuna, you know I adore you for that. But, it is not your job to keep me occupied. It is not your job to devote every waking moment when not with your kids to me so that I don't feel alone. I know that does not sound how I wrote it, but I am not here right now.

Before Kahuna, there were the sleeping pills. I would work out from the time I got off of work until bedtime. I would take the sleeping pills and fall fast to sleep. I would wake up early, so head to the gym before work. Come home, shower, go to work, go to the gym, come home, try to sleep without the pills, cry, take them, fall to sleep again and do it over and over. No, I am not proud of this. But, this is what I did. I don't feel I was addicted to them. But, then again, maybe I was. I guess it is all in your viewpoint. I would say, honestly, I abused them. I have never said that before in those terms. But, I guess someone looking in would probably say that. I took them to sleep and not lay awake in fear of my ex showing up to hurt me or lay awake in tears over how many terrible things I had done in my life.

Last summer was the first summer with Kahuna. I rarely had to take the sleeping pills. He was able to be here often, and I slept well.

This summer is uncertain. Kahuna has SO MUCH to do with baseball for Dude. Plus, gas is so damn expensive. I am a grown woman. I should be able to stay alone any amount of nights. But, For a grown woman, I am a needy wimp. I don't like to be alone. When I am alone, I think. When I think, I get depressed. You know the cycle.

I have so much to look forward to. . . Kahuna and I are going to his parents down south for a week. I am so excited. Yet, this fear of being alone is even outshadowing the fact that I get to go on vacation with Kahuna for a whole week, be with him 24/7 for a whole week.

So, that is why I hate this week.

I hate being sick. Yeah, I know, that is normal. But, I hate being sick for more than the average reason. I believe I have spoken before that I have an STD. Kahuna and I have discussed the pros and cons of taking medication to prevent issues. However, we have made our informed decision and chosen not to go that route. The negative is, whenever I get sick and my immune system is affected, this damn reminder of my past rears it's ugly head. Well, I was sick a little over a week ago. So, yep, I am having problems now. I wil be fine by the time we leave for our vacation, thank goodness for small favors. . . But, it still pisses me the fuck off that this happens and has an impact on us.

So, I hate insurance, too. Basically, I was in an accident. . . Now I am dealing with the crap felt in the aftermath. I pay so much freaking money for coverage (in my eyes, even without having an accident or violation. . . it is just expensive, period.) And though I have been paying through the nose to this point, and have probably paid in more to this point of my life than they are paying out, I still get fucked while they move slow as they can and get to pay more in the future. All this while they smile and pretend to care. Thats probably enough said on that topic.

Well, this hate is overshadowing the time I should be enjoying with BuddyLuv. Hope anyone reading this is having a better night than I am.

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'?
I know I am living because the pain goes away when you die.

TMI

1. How old were you when you first kissed a boy?
BABUSHKA - Kindergarten

2. Who would play you in the movie of your life story?
BABUSHKA - Me? The first person to come to mind is Jewel D'Nyle (sp?).

3. What is the number one thing your love/hate about gay people?
BABUSHKA - Love that they, anyone, is strong enough to be themselves and open to loving who they love. Hate when they/anyone uses their difference as an excuse or crutch.

4. If you could legally get married to "the fella" - or any fella - would you?
BABUSHKA - I am not sure this question is meant for me.

5. Have you ever worn short short shorts in public?
BABUSHKA - A few years back, when I was at my thinest, I wore short shorts.

Bonus (as in optional): Who is your favorite blogger?
BABUSHKA - I cannot pick! I love all that are linked to us!