Friday, June 27, 2008

Crap, Crap, Crap.........

.........that is how I feel about this week. I was in somewhat of a 'funk' earlier in the week. Not sure of the cause, but it was noticeable to both Babushka and the Dude throughout the week.

The $1.8BB acquisition scheduled to occur on July 1st blew up shortly after I left work yesterday. I spent the afternoon/early evening trying to contain the damage.

Spent last evening with Babushka, although I was not what one would describe as 'joyful'. Mentally half there, half not there - watching an NBA draft I care nothing about but allowed for distraction. Then early this morning in a sleepy state I made a 'joke' to Babushka that was instead hurtful to her.

What is the source regarding this summer of discontent:
* Maybe it is just a temporary medication imbalance;

* Perhaps it is the glow of vacation having been replaced by the din of daily life;

* It could be the seeming continual driving in order to 'get somewhere' (pick-up kids, drop-off kids, baseball, work, Babushka's house)

* How about the monthly reminders of bills that take up 80% of each paycheck for a house I do not live in and a car I do not drive.

Babushka asked my last night if I was feeling addictive - I said "no". But as I look at the above I realize a more accurate response would have been "I have not acted additively".

I may not have drank or hid out with porn, but I do not feel like I am strong in my recovery. I am sure one meeting in the last 4-5 weeks has not helped my outlook either. My heart is not filled at this moment with gratitude - I do not feel happy, joyous or free.

I am tired, tired, tired......
-Tired of work
-Tired of baseball
-Tired of teenagers
-Tired of living on a basement
-Tired of driving a 10 year old car
-Tired of supporting others' lifestyles
-Tired of making mistakes
-Tired of being responsible
-Tired of feeling inadequate

I am just plain tired today. But recognizing this is a good step - it beats drinking, drugging or running. Writing about it brings light to it. Light leads to growth, a foundation of recovery.

I may be tired, but I am not yet tired of striving to be a better person. I am not tired of my quest for growth, just the current plateau.

To quote George Harrison (one of my four favorite Beatles) - "All Things Must Pass"

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'


Amorous Rocker said...

"All things must pass" is an excellent quote. =)

You and Babushka have a great weekend. =)

The Covert Lover said...

Indeed all things must pass... it's just that sometimes they take too long don't they? ;)
Keep your chin up, if you've not yet tired of striving to better yourself, you'll come out just fine.
Hope you had a great weekend. :)