Thursday, June 5, 2008

HATE

Hate is a word we do not use in our home. I don't remember where I came by this philosophy. But, I have taught BuddyLuv that, if we have love in our hearts, and have Jesus in our hearts, we do not have room for hate in our hearts. I feel so strongly about this, Kahuna has started sharing this philosophy with his kids. We don't hate. We strongly dislike.

I hate. I will be honest. I hate this week. I hate being sick. I hate insurance.

BuddyLuv graduated from the 6th grade. We barely made it. It has been a hard year. He always got c's or better. BUT, that is with no effort put forth. That is with us CONSTANTLY monitoring his homework, redoing things over again and working with the teachers. He has the knowledge. He has the skills. He has the smarts. He is missing one thing. He doesn't care, so he doesn't try. We could punish. We could cry. We could talk till we are blue in the face. We could not get him to care. So, I should be glad the year is over. I am not. I hate that the year is over because that means the time of the year that I hate the most is here. Lonliness.

Sunday, BuddyLuv leaves. And, I am here. Alone. I hate when he has to leave. I hate being alone.He goes up to spend most of the summer with my parents. Yes, I know, it is good for him. First, he is spending time with his grandparents that will forever be precious. He is experiencing country life like he never would here in the big city. He is doing things and making memories. While he is doing that, I am here. Alone. And, miserable.

I know Kahuna is here. And, Kahuna, you know I adore you for that. But, it is not your job to keep me occupied. It is not your job to devote every waking moment when not with your kids to me so that I don't feel alone. I know that does not sound how I wrote it, but I am not here right now.

Before Kahuna, there were the sleeping pills. I would work out from the time I got off of work until bedtime. I would take the sleeping pills and fall fast to sleep. I would wake up early, so head to the gym before work. Come home, shower, go to work, go to the gym, come home, try to sleep without the pills, cry, take them, fall to sleep again and do it over and over. No, I am not proud of this. But, this is what I did. I don't feel I was addicted to them. But, then again, maybe I was. I guess it is all in your viewpoint. I would say, honestly, I abused them. I have never said that before in those terms. But, I guess someone looking in would probably say that. I took them to sleep and not lay awake in fear of my ex showing up to hurt me or lay awake in tears over how many terrible things I had done in my life.

Last summer was the first summer with Kahuna. I rarely had to take the sleeping pills. He was able to be here often, and I slept well.

This summer is uncertain. Kahuna has SO MUCH to do with baseball for Dude. Plus, gas is so damn expensive. I am a grown woman. I should be able to stay alone any amount of nights. But, For a grown woman, I am a needy wimp. I don't like to be alone. When I am alone, I think. When I think, I get depressed. You know the cycle.

I have so much to look forward to. . . Kahuna and I are going to his parents down south for a week. I am so excited. Yet, this fear of being alone is even outshadowing the fact that I get to go on vacation with Kahuna for a whole week, be with him 24/7 for a whole week.

So, that is why I hate this week.

I hate being sick. Yeah, I know, that is normal. But, I hate being sick for more than the average reason. I believe I have spoken before that I have an STD. Kahuna and I have discussed the pros and cons of taking medication to prevent issues. However, we have made our informed decision and chosen not to go that route. The negative is, whenever I get sick and my immune system is affected, this damn reminder of my past rears it's ugly head. Well, I was sick a little over a week ago. So, yep, I am having problems now. I wil be fine by the time we leave for our vacation, thank goodness for small favors. . . But, it still pisses me the fuck off that this happens and has an impact on us.

So, I hate insurance, too. Basically, I was in an accident. . . Now I am dealing with the crap felt in the aftermath. I pay so much freaking money for coverage (in my eyes, even without having an accident or violation. . . it is just expensive, period.) And though I have been paying through the nose to this point, and have probably paid in more to this point of my life than they are paying out, I still get fucked while they move slow as they can and get to pay more in the future. All this while they smile and pretend to care. Thats probably enough said on that topic.

Well, this hate is overshadowing the time I should be enjoying with BuddyLuv. Hope anyone reading this is having a better night than I am.

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'?
I know I am living because the pain goes away when you die.

3 comments:

Dana said...

Hang in there Babushka! I was a single parent to my som from birth until he was 7. I have never been without him for more than 24 hours. I'd like to think that I'd enjoy time away from him, but something tells me I'd be right there where you are!

I Smile 2 Much said...

I just wanted to give/offer my hugs & encouragement too. It doesnt sound easy. I cant stand having to sleep alone when my hubby is out of town. I cant do it basically. And if I do, I maybe manage 2 hours of sleep with knives, phones and huge flashlights all around me. I get freaked out too. My hubby used to travel 90% for work when I was pregnant with my my 2nd baby and I had a newborn baby. I dont look back at those times with many smiles. It was plain awful ; (

Hang in there and know I'm pullin for you ; ) And I hope you start 2 feel better sometime sooner than later ; ) (((hugs)))

Babushka said...

Oh! Thank you, both!

IS2M, I know all about the knife thing. I have a security system. So does my ex. He has the exact same one. That mean he probably knows the one "way around" the security system. So, the phone was there, the knives were there, the door was blocked. It does help that I have a renter this year. I think I MAY be able to sleep a bit better when Kahuna is not here.

Hugs back to both. Thank you, agian.