Sunday, March 18, 2007

Healthy or Addictive??

It is one thing to make addictive choices when you have no hope for fulfillment or supportive companionship. At its' core, addictive behaviors are used to cope with loss or neglict. Recovery is a simple concept really:

1). Discontinue the addictive behavior
2). Follow a suggested sequence of actions
3). Address your core issues.

Concept One is simple to comprehend for an alcohlic or gambler - Not necessarily easy but it is simple. Don't drint or gamble.......Don't think about it and if necessary don't be around it.

But when the addictive behavior is sexual it is not quite as simple. Furthermore, when the core issue is also sexual this concept is anything but simple. For more years than I care to admit, pornography and masturbation were my "drug of choice". It was a behavior learned from my father. By the time I was in my first adult relationship this behavior was a firmly established ritual in my life. Along with alcohol, this was a way for me to escape what I did not want to face. As this first adult relationship became a marriage, porn and self-induced orgasm was how I coped with the lack of sexual relations.

I was the addicted (defective) one and my wife was the healthy one. My sexual needs and desires were obviously unhealthy and wrong since they were mine - the defective one. Hers were the correct ones since she was the healthy one. My sexual sobriety was measured by her view of healthy sexuality

* Having sex two, three or four times a year was normal and "healthy"
* I thought about and wanted sex "all the time" because I was an addict
* Porngraphy and masturbation were unhealthy and the sign of an addict

After my affair in late 1999-early 2000 I started to attend SAA meetings. One key difference from AA was that the goal was not abstenance from all sexual behavior but abstenance of addictive sexual behaviors that interfere with healthy sexual interaction.

This is a topic that is on my mind a lot these days. In this journey away from the darkness of loneliness and addiction, I find that often am not sure what is sexually healthy or is not. My baseline of knowledge is measured by what is 'not' healthy not what is. I know my belief of what is healthy is significantly different than the one I was measured by previous. But the boundaries around what is healthy is still a work in progress.

Why all the rambling nonsense above? Because above all else healthy sexuality is based on honesty. Honesty with myself and honesty with Babushka. If an activity is something I cannot share about with Babushka - that is my new baseline of healthy or unhealthy.

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'
Old habits die hard indeed

1 comment:

Babushka said...

My beautiful and wonderful Kahuna!

Every day I find yet another reason to be proud of you and proud to be with you! I AM SO VERY PROUD OF YOU!

You have yet to cease to amaze me!

The struggles you face. . .

everything you have overcome. . .

You are my knight in shining armor to protect me and save me in more ways than you may ever know.

You have a heart of gold to surround me with a trusting, transparent adoration!

The imperfections? They make you perfect for me! Be gentle with yourself, as a wise man has reminded me!

The baby steps on your journey you no longer have to take alone.

When you are not so strong, you are strong enough to trust in me to carry you through.

When I am not so strong, I am strong enough to trust in you to carry me through.

You make my heart smile!

I look forward to the next momemt I may spend in your arms!

Good Night, Kahuna!