Greetings and Great Day, All!
Hello! Babushka here!
I know it is very past due, but I wanted to take a moment to introduce myself to this blogging world. Why has it taken so long, you may ask! Well, that is simple question! "How do you start?" is the simple answer! "What could I say that the world would want to hear about or from me?" Kahuna is teaching me that the answer there is simple, too: Me!
So, here I am! Ready for me?
I guess a good place to start is usually in the beginning! But, that will not work for me. I have come to accept most of my beginning as "it is what it is". . . Blank. I don't really recall much before the age of 13. There are bits and pieces, which are not all that pretty and cannot really be called fond memories. But, it is what it is and I have come to accept that. Trust me, it was a long road to acceptance.
Am I scared of the unknown? Not anymore. In the past few years, I have come to understand that I am a whole heck of a lot stronger than I once thought. There are reasons why I do not remember things; good, bad or indifferent. If and when memories come back, I will deal with them and be able to handle them! :-)
When I mention the past few years, I should add that this epiphany I had causing this change within me has actually started to allow a few more memories to come back, making some things add up. Maybe someday I will elaborate on that. But, if I did so now, this first blog would be so long, you would get tired of me already and not come back to see whats new!
Fast forward through all those trying teen years till right at the end and you will find me at 19, on my way to college out of state and enjoying my first real, steady boyfriend! Yeah me! :-)
At 19, I was a virgin who had never even seen a naked man(seriously!)! I had never had a drink, always been a good Christian girl, believed in a love that conquers all and had the weight of being somewhat overweight on my shoulders. I look back now. . . Man, I wish I could be (only) that overweight again! Anyways!
When I met this male, I fell head over heals! He was amazing! He was beautiful! He was Italian (6'6, dark hair, dark eyes, olive complexion)! He was that bad boy who I just knew had a sweet sensitive side no one understood.
That summer, I was wooed like never before. I went away to school. There were the constant calls forever. There were the visits home every chance I got. There were whispers behind my back about how naive I was to believe he was faithful. There were smiles to my face from fear of breaking fragile me. I didn't know until it was too late.
I was a 19 year old virgin. Even when I was in HS in the 90s, that was not that common. I guess that made me a prized notch for a headboard. I was adamant about not wanting to give the present of me to only one man, the man I marry. So, guess what!?! On a November trip home to see this male, there was talk of. . . If only I had the money to buy you a ring and marry you! I have to work and cannot always see you because I want to buy you a ring! I love you!
Well, on Christmas break, I decided, whats the big deal!?! Why not!?! What better timing to give myself to this male than on Christmas Eve/Christmas Morning!?!
He gave me a shot of some alcohol he had in his drawer downstairs in his bedroom.
We took our clothes off.
It was just so odd looking, and seemed like it had to be the largest penis in the world.
As he was pressed against me, wanting to enter, he pushed a couple of times. Luckily there was no luck, he did not enter.
I FREAKED OUT!
There was no way that was going to fit there!
Shortly after Christmas break, (and him giving up) we fought. I cried to my mom. She asked if we had been active. I said no. I did not think it counted. It did.
Exactly 5 weeks to the day later, I was pregnant. I woke up in the dorm, sat up and said I was pregnant, we need to go get a test. That lovely male. . . When I told him I needed to talk to him, his response was, "What, do you have AIDS?" When I finally told him, he said that he was not ready for responsibilities like this, that I was ruining my life, it could not be his because I was a slut/whore/bitch and he was too young. In the next breath, he told me he met someone new and was moving in with them. He warned me that his family was never to know. Out of fear, I headed that warning. Right or wrong (I know. . . many have made it their business to tell me how wrong I am) I only contacted him one other time after that via a letter to tell him I was keeping the baby.
9 mo later, after a losing battle with Toxemia, I was induced and gave birth to my beautiful and amazing love of my life: a bouncing baby boy. In a way, it was also the birth of me!
Get busy living or get busy dying. I started to get busy living, at least for a while!