Thursday, April 3, 2008

Fill in the blank ........ (at your own risk)

I sit here on the eve of my 'Temporary Relief' hearing and feel no relief whatsoever. The siblings of fear and doubt begin to work their magic on me:

  • What will I do if........
  • How will I......
  • What if I can't......

I have been in a great space since my last rant about the Princess Bitch (Thanks Sweetie). I have been strong, calm and accepting. As I sit with Pumpkin, helping her read her book, I am none of these. I am all of the questions above.

My oldest, the Dude, confessed that he had in fact told his mother previously that he was uncomfortable asking me for money, just as she said in her motion. He knew money was tight for me and did not want to bother me. I just had a feeling inside that there was more to the story than he had previously told me. I had to ask again....I had to fill in the blank.

This fas somewhat shattered my thin veil of confidence, given he told me just last weekend he had never said anything of the sort. I am not mad at him - I understand his intentions were honorable. He is not even aware that this is any big deal. What I would not give to be 15 and self-absorbed again.

It simply adds a small bit of truth to her portrayal of the kids feelings toward me, a portrayal that I confidently laughed off two nights ago. I am not laughing now.

Doubt has supplanted laughter.........Fear replaces serenity

But this too shall pass......
By this time tomorrow this doubt will be gone.....
Replaced by a new fear that is yet unknown......

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'

"If it was easy, anyone could do it"

2 comments:

Dana said...

I speak from experience when I say that the ups and downs of this process take their toll both physically and emotionally. It will be over soon - there will be other "what if's" to replace these, and Babushka will still be there for you ... loving you ...

Big Kahuna said...

Thanks Dana, today ended up being more of a sidestep, but I am happy, healthy, sober and adore my Babushka