Friday, January 5, 2007

Taking the Risk....."Am I Really Worthy?"

A favorite flick of mine has been "The Shawshank Redemption". I always felt like Morgan was speaking to me - "Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'". I have slowly died inside, little by little and day by day. As the years pass 'Livin' seems farther away and 'Dyin' appears normal, acceptable and ultimately expected.

And so I told Babushka everything about me - the good, the bad and the ugly (Go Ahead Punk - Make My Day). I basically told her about my life, including the decisions and behaviors that had caused me pain and I had been shamed for. Her response was always the way I dreamed of someone responding to me - safe, sensitive, caring and worthy of unconditional love. It made me realize I could accept the unhappiness I had always known or make the choice I had always thought about and dreamed of but was simply to scared of the unknown.

By God's grace the fear that for years had prevented me was lifted. That Sunday Night I had the talk I never could before. I cannot minimize how painful that discussion and the subsequent disclosure to the kids. I have felt a sense of serenity and peace that I have never known in recovery.

The final piece is in place.

I can be rigorously honest.

I can be spiritual.

I can be sexual.


Get Busy Livin' - I think I will

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