Monday, January 1, 2007

Seasons Change & So Did I....... need not wonder why. For those familiar with the Big Book of recovery, there is a line that describes how the promises of recovery come true - "Sometimes Quickly, Sometimes Slowly". My 6+ years of progress have seemed slow indeed but they did occur. My brothers cared for me when i did not care for myself. They told me time and a gain that I am a good man and deserving of love. I learned to be gentle with myself when if I did succumb to addictive behaviors and remember there were many more days that I did not. I take pride and comfort in the fact that I have never and will never give up on recovery - just dust myself off and begin again.

3 different marriage counselors ultimately followed a familiar path of starting with my faults and transgressions and ended once it was time to "look at the other 50% of marital responsibility." This pattern became less acceptable to me each time it occurred. I saw that the dysfunction in the relationship was shared and not entirely of my doing. A wounded relationship cannot heal if only one side works on improvement and acknowledges responsibility.

I pursued my quest to uncover what "healthy sexuality" was and why it seemed so important to me. I obtained books, articles and CD's (mostly from Christian resources) on the topic and asked that they be taken into consideration as to why this was important to my feeling whole and cared for. My feelings and my needs for affection were summarily dismissed. As time moved on I only confirmed what I likely knew from the very beginning - I would never be loved, cared for or fulfilled within this life. Even with my deep desire to provide a stable environment for the children it was not 'if' it would end, it was only 'when'.

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